Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window." "Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can
see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her...... He's naked, too!!!

He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth."

"Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his d*ck off to teach him a lesson."

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.

"Hold on," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here....."

puffins, if you feel that way, want to go out?? lol

On the first day, God created the dog and said:
>
> 'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes
> in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty
> years.'
>
> The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten
> years and I'll give you back the other ten?'
>
> So God agreed.
>
> On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
>
> 'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll
> give you a twenty-year life span.'
>
> The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty
> long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'
>
> And God agreed.
>
> On the third day, God created the cow and said:
>
> 'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer
> under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family.
> For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'
>
> The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for
> sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'
>
> And God agreed again.
>
> On the fourth day, God created man and said:
>
> 'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give
> you twenty years.'
>
> But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my
> twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and
> the ten
> the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'
>
> 'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'
>
> So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and
> enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support
> our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the
> grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and
> bark at everyone.
>
> Life has now been explained to you.
>

>

Every 14th of February you get the chance to display your fondness for your wife or girlfriend by showering her with gifts, flowers, dinner, shows and any other baubles that women find romantic.

Secretly...guys feel left out. That's right...left out. There's no special holiday for the ladies to show their appreciation for the men in their lives. Men as a whole are either too proud or just too embarrassed to admit it. This is why a new holiday has been created. March 20th is now officially

"'Steak, Blow job & Shut the F*ck Up Day." Simple, effective and self-explanatory...this holiday has been created so your ladies can have a day to show your man just how much you love him. No cards, no flowers, no flashy gifts, no special nights on the town. The name of the holiday explains it all...just a steak, a BJ, & shut your mouth for the rest of the day! That's it!

This twin pairing of Valentine's Day and "Steak, Blow Job & Shut the F*ck Up Day" will usher in a new age of love as men everywhere will try THAT much harder in February to ensure a more memorable March! It's like a perpetual love machine. The word is already spreading, but as with any new idea, it needs a little push to start the ball rolling. So spread the word, and help bring love and peace to this crazy world.

roflmao

actually they are just down on their luck women looking to meet a great man that they can love with all their heart forever and ever, who would be willing to do anything for you, you want. if they could just get back home to the u.s.a.

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.

The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings."

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings that are on drugs."

The bear says, "I'm not on drugs."

The bartender says, "You are now, that was a Bar*****youate."

An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polish guy are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.

Then the Irishman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Dublin, there's a better one. At McDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and McDougal himself will buy your third drink!"

The others agree that sounds like a nice place.

Then the guy from Italy says, "Yeah, that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vinny buys you anudda drink."

The others agree that sounds like a nice place, as well.

Then the Polish guy says, "You think that's great? Where I come from, there's this place called Warshowski's. At Warshowski's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"

"Wow!" say the other two.

"That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?" asks the Italian gent.

"No," replies the Polish guy, "but it happened to my sister!"

MONDAYS:

8:00 - "Husseinfeld"
8:30 - "Mad About Everything"
9:00 - "Suddenly Sanctions"
9:30 - "The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show"
10:00 - "Allah McBeal"

TUESDAYS:

8:00 - "Wheel of Terror and Fortune"
8:30 - "The Price is Right If Osama Says It's Right"
9:00 - "Children Are Forbidden From Saying The Darndest Things"
9:30 - "Afganistans Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers"
10:00 - "Buffy The Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer"

WEDNESDAYS:

8:00 - "U.S. Military Secrets Revealed"
8:30 - "Bowling For Food"
9:00 - "Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pita Bread"
9:30 - "Just Shoot Everyone"
10:00 - "Veilwatch"

Q: What is the difference between a dog and a fox?
A: Click Here to see!


THURSDAYS:

8:00 - "Matima Loves Chachi"
8:30 - "M*U*S*T*A*S*H"
9:00 - "Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses and Veils"
9:30 - "My Two Baghdads"
10:00 - "Diagnosis: Heresy"

FRIDAYS:

8:00 - "Judge Laden"
8:30 - "Funniest Super 8 Home Movies"
9:00 - "Who Wants To Execute A Multimillionaire"
9:30 - "Achmed's Creek"
10:00 - "No-witness News"

"A blonde goes to a drug store's deodorant display and tells the clerk, "I need to buy some deodorant for my husband."

"Does he use the ball kind?" inquired the clerk."

"No," replied the blonde, "The kind for under his arms."

~ "Honey, let's watch Lifetime!"

~ "Sex is overrated."

~ "I don't want to go too far on the first date."

~ "Yes, I did notice your sister's breasts are bigger than yours."

~ "There is nothing I like better than crawling into bed with a good book."

~ "I'm glad I don't have a large penis."

~ "My hips are too big."

~ "Aw, can't we watch Oprah?"

~ "Does this suit make me look fat?"

~ "I'll never get tired listening to Celine Dion."

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked pretty
good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't bad at all, and I found
myself thinking that she probably had a hot daughter.

We drank a bit, and a had a bit of a snuggle, and she asked if I'd ever
had a I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked pretty
good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't bad at all, and I found
myself thinking that she probably had a hot daughter.

We drank a bit, and a had a bit of a snuggle, and she asked if I'd ever
had a Sportsman's Double.

'What's that?' I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she
said. I said, 'No, but it sounds good!'

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was 'my lucky night'.

I went back to her place. We walked in ...... she put on the hall light
and shouted upstairs ...

'Mom, you still awake'.

'What's that?' I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she
said. I said, 'No, but it sounds good!'

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was 'my lucky night'.

I went back to her place. We walked in ...... she put on the hall light
and shouted upstairs ...

'Mom, you still awake'

MARTHA RECENTLY LOST HER HUSBAND. SHE HAD HIM CREMATED AND BROUGHT HIS ASHES HOME.

PICKING UP THE URN THAT HE WAS IN, SHE POURED HIM OUT ON THE PATIO TABLE.

THEN, WHILE TRACING HER FINGERS IN THE ASHES, SHE STARTED TALKING TO HIM......


'JOE, YOU KNOW THAT DISHWASHER YOU PROMISED ME? I BOUGHT IT WITH THE INSURANCE MONEY.

SHE PAUSED FOR A MINUTE TRACING HER FINGERS IN THE ASHES THEN SAID, 'JOE, REMEMBER THAT CAR YOU PROMISED ME? WELL, I ALSO BOUGHT IT WITH THE INSURANCE MONEY!'

AGAIN, SHE PAUSED FOR A FEW MINUTES AND WHILE TRACING HER FINGERS IN THE ASHES SHE SAID, 'JOE, THAT DIAMOND RING YOU PROMISED ME? BOUGHT IT TOO, WITH THE INSURANCE MONEY!'

FINALLY, STILL TRACING HER FINGERS IN THE ASHES, SHE SAID, 'JOE, REMEMBER THAT BLOW JOB I PROMISED YOU?'

'HERE IT COMES...'

Cowboy: 'That your dog?'

Indian: 'Yep.'

Cowboy: 'Mind if I speak to him?'

Indian: 'Dog no talk.'

Cowboy: 'Hey dog, how's it going?'

Dog: 'Doin' all right.'

Indian: (Look of shock!)

Cowboy: 'Is this Indian your owner?' (Pointing at the Indian)

Dog: 'Yep.'

Cowboy: 'How's he treating you?'

Dog: 'Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play.'

Indian: (look of total disbelief)

Cowboy: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

Indian: 'Horse no talk.'

Cowboy: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'

Horse: 'Cool.'

Indian: (Extreme look of shock!)

Cowboy: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing to the Indian)

Horse: 'Yep.'
Cowboy: 'How's he treating you?'

Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me, brushes me down often and keeps me in a lean-to to protect me from the weather.'

Indian: (Look of total amazement)

Cowboy: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

Indian: 'Sheep lie.'

A woman went to her doctor. The doctor, after an examination, sighed and
> > said, "I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you had best put your
> > affairs in order."
> >
> > The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the
> > waiting room where her daughter had been waiting. "Well daughter, we
> > women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things do not
> > go so well. In this case, things are not well. I have cancer. Let's
> > head to the club and have a martini."
> >
> > After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There
> > were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by
> > some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were
> > celebrating.
> >
> > The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. "I've
> > been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends were aghast and gave the woman
> > their condolences.
> >
> > After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered,
> > "Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told
> > your friends you were dying of AIDS."
> >
> > The woman said, "I don't want any of those b*tches sleeping with your
> > father after I'm gone."
> >
> > Now that's putting Your Affairs In Order

bulls*th

let me know how they are!!

HELLO, she is 16?? is that old enough to make adult decisions?? her parents need to be involved, they need to see what see writes if for no other reason than to show the cops when she dissapears and hope they can find her, the more i read the sicker i get, dam no wonder these kids are so screwed up, no one willing to take affirmative action til its too late. she needs guidance. as an earlier poster stated in my house my rules. that should go for miles!!

its there!!

google it and see what happens!!