a very happy bithday to you, and have a good time here, the pina coladas are very good.

keep em comming, uk

i am so sorry that i started the thread. i was not aware of the fact that the taliban was full of upstanding citizans, who would never harm a human being. jokes are just that, please get a life and if you are going to be so sensitive do not read the joke forum, PLEASE

you are so right, im glad your not american,

You Might Be a Member of the Taliban if...

10. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a
moral objection to beer.


9. You own a $300 machine gun and a $5,000 rocket launcher, but you
can't afford shoes.


8. You have more wives than teeth.


7. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.


6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.


5. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry ammunition
in your robe.


4. You've never been asked, "Does this burka make my ass look fat?"


3. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than
setting off roadside bombs.

2. You've never uttered the phrase, "I love what you've done with your
cave."


1. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon
unclean.

In the hospital, the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.

'I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,' he said as he surveyed the worried faces.

'The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.

It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.

Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves...'



The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, 'Well, how much does a brain cost?'



The doctor quickly responded, '$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain.'

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked..

A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, 'Why is the male brain so much more?'



The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, 'It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been
going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long,
long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall
and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him
pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane
and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

'Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

'Morris Fishbein,' he replied..

'Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?'

'For about 60 years.'

'60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?'

'I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. 'I
pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. I pray for all our
children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their
fellow man.'

'How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?'

'Like I'm talking to a f*ckin' wall.'

A young man goes into the Job Centre in Jacksonville, Florida , and
sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested he
goes to learn more -


'Can you give me some more details about this?' he asks the guy
behind the desk.


The Job Centre man sorts through his files & replies - 'Oh yes here it is:

The job entails you getting the lady patients ready for the gynecologist.

You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and carefully

wash their genital regions. You then apply shaving foam and gently

shave off all their pubic hair then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready

for the gynecologist's examination. There's an annual salary of $45,000,

but you're going to have to go to Oxford, Mississippi. That's about 620

miles fom here.'

'Oh why, is that where the job's at?'

'No sir - that's where the end of the line is!'

Anger Management

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying 'Hello.'

I politely said, 'This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear 'Get the right f***ing number!' and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, 'You're an SOB!' and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'SOB' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, 'You're an SOB!' It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'SOB' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?'

He yelled 'NO!' and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, 'That's because you're an SOB!' and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking Spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a 'For Sale' sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first SOB (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW SOB, too.

I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'

He said, 'Yes, it is.' I asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?' He said, 'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax. It's a yellow rambler, and the car's parked right out in front.'

I asked, 'What's your name?'

He said, 'My name is Don Hansen,'

I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'

He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.'

I said, 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'

He said, 'Yes?'

I said, 'Don, you're an SOB!'

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two SOB to call.

Then I came up with an idea. I called SOB #1.

He said, 'Hello.'

I said, 'You're an SOB!' (But I didn't hang up.)

He asked, 'Are you still there?'

I said, 'Yeah,'

He screamed, 'Stop calling me,'

I said, 'Make me,'

He asked, 'Who are you?'

I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'

He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?' I said, 'SOB, I live at 34
Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, a yellow rambler, I have a black Beamer parked in front.'

He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.'

I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, SOB,' and hung up.

Then I called SOB #2.

He said, 'Hello?'

I said, 'Hello, SOB,'

He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...'

I said, 'You'll what?'

He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your DONKEY,'

I answered, 'Well, SOB, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now.'

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two SOB'S beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger management really does work.

This week we celebrate a special birthday !



Monica Lewinsky is turning 34. Can you believe it ?



It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees, and putting everything in her mouth.



They grow up so fast, don't they?

A young woman had been taking golf lessons.



She had just started playing her first round

of golf when she suffered a bee sting.



Her pain was so intense that she decided to

return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.



Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse

And asked, "Why are you back in so early?



What's wrong?" "I was stung by a bee", she said.



"Where", he asked.



"Between the first and second hole", she replied.



He nodded knowingly and said, "Then your

Stance is too wide."

HEY BOB, how the heck are ya, long time no see!!

Saw a billboard that said,

'Need help, call Jesus.'
“1-800-505-3787”

...Out of curiosity I did.

A Mexican showed up with a tow truck.

Little Johnnie was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the
children what their fathers did for a living.

All the typical answers came up -- fireman, policeman, salesman,
doctor, lawyer, etc.

Johnnie was being uncharacteristically quiet, so the teacher asked him
about his father.

"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his
clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good,
he'll go out to the alley with some guy and make love with him for
money ."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the
other children to work on some exercises and took little Johnnie aside
to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

"No," said Johnnie, "He works for the Bush administration, but I was
too embarrassed to say that in front of the class

the picture of me and my dog was taken above Georgetown on Guanella Pass the middle of Aug. it snowed up there that day. was at freezing most of the day. no accumulation of snow but just a hint of what was to come. lol

Took me awhile to get this read, this has some really good points..
Now, Who is the person who can step up to the plate and swing the
bat and get things RIGHT



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

With the 2008 election coming up this needs to be read by all who vote, those that don't are lost anyway.





Remember Lee Iacocca, the man who rescued Chrysler Corporation

from it's death throes? He has a new book, and here are some excerpts.

_____________________________________________________________



Lee Iacocca Says:


"Am I the only guy in this country who's fed up with what's happening?

Where the hell is our outrage? We should be screaming bloody murder.


We've got a gang of clueless bozos steering our ship of state right

over a cliff, we've got corporate gangsters stealing us blind, and we

can't even clean up after a hurricane much less build a hybrid car. But

instead of getting mad, everyone sits around and nods their heads when

the politicians say, "Stay the course"


Stay the course? You've got to be kidding. This is America, not the

damned "Titanic". I'll give you a sound bite: "Throw all the bums out!"


You might think I'm getting senile, that I've gone off my rocker, and

maybe I have. But someone has to speak up. I hardly recognize this

country anymore.


The most famous business leaders are not the innovators but the guys in

handcuffs. While we're fiddling in Iraq, the Middle East is burning and

nobody seems to know what to do. And the press is waving 'pom-poms'

instead of asking hard questions. That's not the promise of the "

America " my parents and yours traveled across the ocean for. I've had

enough. How about you?


I'll go a step further. You can't call yourself a patriot if you're not

outraged. This is a fight I'm ready and willing to have. The Biggest

"C" is Crisis!


Leaders are made, not born. Leadership is forged in times of crisis.

It's easy to sit there with your feet up on the desk and talk theory.

Or send someone else's kids off to war when you've never seen a

battlefield yourself. It's another thing to lead when your world comes

tumbling down.


On September 11, 2001, we needed a strong leader more than any other

time in our history. We needed a steady hand to guide us out of the

ashes.


A Hell of a Mess


So here's where we stand. We're immersed in a bloody war with no plan

for winning and no plan for leaving. We're running the biggest deficit

in the history of the country. We're losing the manufacturing edge to

Asia, while our once-great companies are getting slaughtered by health

care costs. Gas prices are skyrocketing, and nobody in power has a

coherent energy policy. Our schools are in trouble. Our borders are

like sieves.


The middle class is being squeezed every which way. These are times

that cry out for leadership.


But when you look around, you've got to ask: "Where have all the

leaders gone?" Where are the curious, creative communicators? Where are

the people of character, courage, conviction, omnipotence, and common

sense? I may be a sucker for alliteration, but I think you get the

point.


Name me a leader who has a better idea for homeland security than

making us take off our shoes in airports and throw away our shampoo?


We've spent billions of dollars building a huge new bureaucracy, and

all we know how to do is react to things that have already happened.


Name me one leader who emerged from the crisis of Hurricane Katrina.

Congress has yet to spend a single day evaluating the response to the

hurricane, or demanding accountability for the decisions that were made

in the crucial hours after the storm.


Everyone's hunkering down, fingers crossed, hoping it doesn't happen

again. Now, that's just crazy. Storms happen. Deal with it. Make a

plan.


Figure out what you're going to do the next time.


Name me an industry leader who is thinking creatively about how we can

restore our competitive edge in manufacturing. Who would have believed

that there could ever be a time when "The Big Three" referred to

Japanese car companies? How did this happen, and more important, what

are we going to do about it?


Name me a government leader who can articulate a plan for paying down

the debt, or solving the energy crisis, or managing the health care

problem. The silence is deafening. But these are the crises that are

eating away at our country and milking the middle class dry.


I have news for the gang in Congress. We didn't elect you to sit on

your asses and do nothing and remain silent while our democracy is

being hijacked and our greatness is being replaced with mediocrity.

What is everybody so afraid of? That some bonehead on Fox News will

call them a name? Give me a break. Why don't you guys show some spine

for a change?


Had Enough?


Hey, I'm not trying to be the voice of gloom and doom here. I'm trying

to light a fire. I'm speaking out because I have hope, I believe in

America In my lifetime I've had the privilege of living through some of

America's greatest moments. I've also experienced some of our worst

crises: the "Great Depression", "World War II", the "Korean War", the

"Kennedy Assassination", the "Vietnam War", the 1970s oil crisis, and

the struggles of recent years culminating with 9/11.


If I've learned one thing, it's this: "You don't get anywhere by

standing on the sidelines waiting for somebody else to take action.

Whether it's building a better car or building a better future for our

children, we all have a role to play. That's the challenge I'm raising

in this book. It's a call to "Action" for people who, like me, believe

in America. It's not too late, but it's getting pretty close. So let's

shake off the crap and go to work. Let's tell 'em all we've had

"enough."


Excerpted from "Where Have All the Leaders Gone?".

Copyright (c) 2007 by Lee Iacocca. All rights reserved.

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter. Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk: "Dddooo youuuu hhhave dddddiilllldosss?"

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models."

The old lady then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss ththiickk...aaand rrunns by bbaatteries?

The clerk responds, "Yes we do."

She asks: " Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ssunoooffab***** offffff?