Topic:
woman and a boat
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Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book. The peace and solitude are magnificent. Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, “ Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?” “Reading a book,” she replies, (thinking, “Isn't that obvious?”) “You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,” he informs her. “I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.” “Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.” “If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,” says the woman. “But I haven't even touched you,” says the Game Warden. “That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.” “Have a nice day ma'am,” and he left. MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think. |
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1. If you're choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself. 2. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop. 3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink. 4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer. 5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm c lock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button. 6. If you have a bad cough , take a large dose of laxatives, then you'll be afraid to cough. 7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape. 8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. 9. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem. Daily Thought: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES, NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING, BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS. |
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Topic:
Fly the Friendly Skies
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Next time you fly. . . . .
1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!" 2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants." 3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have." 4. There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane" 5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride." 6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella, WHOA!" * 7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted." 8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised." 9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite." 10. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you and remember, nobody loves you or your money more than Southwest Airlines." 11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments." 12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses." 13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!" 14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault... it was the asphalt." 15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!" 16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal." 17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?" 18 After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal." 19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways." 20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and Gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em." 21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" ----- Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!" |
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Topic:
Letter from a farm kid
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FARM KID,
(NOW AT San Diego MARINE CORPS RECRUIT TRAINING.) Dear Ma and Pa, I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their fo o d plus yours holds you til noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice but awful flat The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none. This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bu lls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes. Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake . I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry. Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in. Your loving daughter Carole |
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Topic:
The Anticlimactic Punch-line
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At a paternity trial, the blonde's lawyer asked, "On the night of July 16th last, at approximately 11:45 p.m., in the locale known generally as 'Lover's Lane' did the defendant have sexual relations with you?" "Yes," whispered the girl, her head bowed. "And did the defendant on that occasion, to the best of your knowledge, have a climax?" the lawyer continued. "Oh no," she replied, "I'm pretty sure... he had one of them fancy Mitsubishis." |
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Topic:
2 fleas
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Two fleas from Minnesota had an agreement to meet every winter in Miami for a vacation. Last year when one flea got to Miami, he was all blue, shivering and shaking, damn near frozen to death! The other flea asked him, 'What the hell happened to you?' The first flea said, 'I rode down here in the mustache of a guy on a Harley.' The other flea said,' That's the worst way to travel. Try what I do. Go to the Pierre International airport bar and look for a nice stewardess. Crawl up her leg and nestle in where it's warm and cozy. It's the best way to travel that I can think of.' The first flea thanked the second flea and said he would give it a try next winter. A year went by. When the first flea again showed up in Miami once more he was all blue, shivering and shaking again and damn near frozen to death. The second flea asked him, 'Didn't you try what I told you?' Yes,' said the first flea, 'I did exactly as you said. I went to the Pierre International airport bar and this nice young stewardess came in. I crawled right up to her warm cozy spot. It was so nice and warm that I fell asleep immediately. When I woke up, I was back in the mustache of the guy on the Harley...' |
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Topic:
Laughing Doctor
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...the Doctor replied "Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient." "Okay then," Bob said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'whoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery. Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure. "I'm so sorry," said the doctor. "I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now, what seems to be the problem?" "It's swollen," Bob replied. |
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Topic:
Let Us Laugh
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The Yuppie was accosted by a hooker. She said, "How 'bout some relaxing oral sex honey... only $50... you look all uptight." "No way!" the man responded. "I'm married!!!" "So???" queried the hooker. "My wife will do it for $20!" he replied. |
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On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch. When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, "It's Lent." In tears, she remarked, "Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard! Who did you lend it to, and for how long?" |
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Topic:
WILL I LIVE TO BE 80?
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Some times you just have to ask yourself 'Will I live to be 80?' I recently chose a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?' He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?' 'No,' I replied. 'I don't do drugs, either.' Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?' I said, 'No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!' 'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, fishing or relaxing on the beach?' 'No, I don't,' I said. He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?' 'No,' I said. 'I don't do any of th ose things.' Then he looked at me and asked, 'Then why do you give a sh*t?' |
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Now that the tanker program is Out sourced. Just one more thing!!
Our president said each one of us would get $300. It was $800, but Congress dropped it to a $300 tax rebate. If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China. If we spend it on gasoline, it will all go to the Arabs or Hugo Chavez, and neither will help the American economy. The way I see it, we need to keep that money here in America, so the only way to keep that money here at home is to buy more beer or spend it on prostitution. These are the only businesses still in the U.S |
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you still have HOT AND SEXY LEGS!!!!!!!!!
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that is how they prey on people. you cash the check, they get money, check or money order or cashiers check bounces, BINGO, bank nails your account for the debit. remember a few years ago a cashiers check was as good as gold?? not no more too many fakes!!! BE CARFULE OUT THERE PEOPLE THE WORLD IS A JUNJLE!!!!!
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Topic:
outlaw biker
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A biker is riding by the zoo when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage, and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter has seen the whole scene and addressing the biker says, "Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I have seen a man do in my whole life." The biker replies, "why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right." The reporter says, "well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's papers will have this on the first page. What motorcycle do you ride?" The biker tells him, "a Harley Davidson." The journalist leaves. The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on first page: BIKER GANG MEMBER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH. |
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Topic:
reply from trojan
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Trojan Condom Company 69 slippery Root Drive Rootrouser, NC 22269 Dear Ken, We regret to inform you that we have rejected your application to model and represent our product, Trojan Condoms. Although your general appearance is not displeasing, our board of directors feels that your wearing of our product does not portray a positive romantic image of our product. A loose, baggy, wrinkled condom is NOT considered romantic. We did admire your efforts to firm it up by using Poly-Grip, but even then it slipped off before we could get the photographs taken. We would like to note, however, that we have never seen a penis that looked like a bicycle grip until now. We appreciate your interest and thank you for your time. We will retain your application for future consideration if, by chance, we decide that there is a market for Micro-Mini Condoms. We send our greetings and our deepest sympathy to your wife and/or girlfriend. Yours very truly, Burly ****, President Trojan Condom Company PS: Remember our slogan: Cover your stump before you hump; Don’t be silly, cover your willy; Before you attack her, cover your whacker; If you’re not going to sack it, GO HOME AND WHACK IT! |
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Topic:
The Aisle Seat
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> Two Radical Arab Terrorists boarded a flight out of London. One took a > window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat. > Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After > takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was > settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I need to get up to > get a Coke." > "Don't get up," said the Marine, "I'm in the aisle seat; I'll get it for > you." > As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marine's shoe and > spat in it. > When the Marine returned with the Coke, the other Arab said, "That looks > good; I'd really like one, too." Again, the Marine obligingly went to > fetch it. > While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marine's other shoe and > spat in it. > When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. > As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and > knew immediately what had happened. > "Why does it have to be this way?" the Marine asked earnestly . "How > long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? > This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in Cokes?" > THE FEW. THE PROUD. THE MARINES. |
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- The milkman is wearing your bathrobe. - You get a ticket for the Jerry Springer Show. - She starts every sentence with the words ... "To whom it may concern." - Your mail comes addressed to "Current Resident." - The local mortician starts measuring you for a new suit. - Her mother looks at you and starts laughing. - You are urged to stir your coffee "very well," before drinking it. - Your favourite easy chair is plugged into the wall outlet. - People are already referring to her as the "widow." - Your name is Fred but the new tattoo just below her navel reads ... "Joe's Place." |
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Topic:
Limp Bisket
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A man is on a business trip in Houston and buys a really cool pair of snakeskin boots and can't wait to show them to his wife. Upon returning from his trip late the next evening, his wife is in the bathroom getting ready for bed. He quickly strips down naked except for his new boots and stands in the bedroom to wait for her. As his wife emerges from the bathroom, her husband asks, "Well, honey, do you notice anything special?" To which the wife replies, "Yeah, it's limp!" "It's not limp!" exclaims the husband. "It's admiring my new snakeskin boots!" The wife looks at him and says, "Well next time buy a hat." |
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Topic:
Sunburn Treatment
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Sunburn Treatment
A man goes on vacation to the Caribbean, quickly falls asleep on the sand and ends up with a wicked sunburn. Wincing in pain as even a slight wind touches his scorched skin, the man hobbles off to the local doctor for help. The doctor takes one look at the man's legs and says, "I don't have anything to treat sunburn that bad. Try taking these blue pills." "I've got sunburn!" cries the man. "What the hell's Viagra going to do for me?" "Well," the doctor replies, "it will help keep the sheets off your legs when you try to sleep tonight." |
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Topic:
I may get banned
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sorry threads posted are for all, if you want private do email!!!!!!!!!!!
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