Community > Posts By > nu2topcat

 
nu2topcat's photo
Wed 03/05/08 07:31 AM




Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book. The peace and solitude are magnificent.



Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, “ Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?”

“Reading a book,” she replies, (thinking, “Isn't that obvious?”)



“You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,” he informs her.

“I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.”



“Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.”

“If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,” says the woman.

“But I haven't even touched you,” says the Game Warden.

“That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.”

“Have a nice day ma'am,” and he left.



MORAL:
Never argue with a woman who reads.
It's likely she can also think.



nu2topcat's photo
Tue 03/04/08 09:36 AM




1. If you're choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water
down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.

2. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else
to hold while you chop.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using
the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed
for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to
use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm c lock, will prevent you
from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough , take a large dose of laxatives, then
you'll be afraid to cough.

7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it
doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use
the duct tape.

8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

9. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical
problem.

Daily Thought:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES, NOT REALLY GOOD FOR
ANYTHING, BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE
STAIRS.






nu2topcat's photo
Tue 03/04/08 09:15 AM
Next time you fly. . . . .



1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just
sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a
hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced,
"People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a
seat and get in it!"

2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant
crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached
cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights.
This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of
your flight attendants."

3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take
all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything,
please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

4. There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are
only 4 ways out of this airplane"

5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope
you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we
enjoyed taking you for a ride."

6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald
Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker:
"Whoa, big fella, WHOA!" *

7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms
in Memphis, flight attendant on a Northwest flight
announced, "Please take care when opening the
overhead compartments because, after a landing like
that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard
Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat
belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight.
It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't
know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be
out in public unsupervised."

9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks
will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the
mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small
child traveling with you, secure your mask before
assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than
one small child, pick your favorite."

10. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some
broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before
we arrive. Thank you and remember, nobody loves
you or your money more than Southwest Airlines."

11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and,
in the event of an emergency water landing, please
paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of
your belongings. Anything left behind will be
distributed evenly among the flight attendants.
Please do not leave children or spouses."

13. And from the pilot during his welcome message:
"Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best
flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately,
none of them are on this flight!"

14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard
landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came
on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump,
and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell
you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's
fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault... it was
the asphalt."

15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into
Amarillo, Texas, on particularly windy and bumpy
day: During the final approach, the Captain was
really having to fight it. After an extremely hard
landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and
Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain
in your seats with your seat belts fastened while
the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to
the gate!"

16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less
than perfect landing: "We ask you to please
remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us
to the terminal."

17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight
had hammered his ship into the runway really
hard. The airline had a policy which required the
first officer to stand at the door while the
passengers exited, smile, and give them a
"Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in
light of his bad landing, he had a hard time
looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that
someone would have a smart comment. Finally
everyone had gotten off except for a little old
lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you
mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?"
The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were
we shot down?"


18 After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the
attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen,
please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash
and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a
screeching halt against the gate. And, once the
tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells
are silenced, we'll open the door and you can
pick your way through the wreckage to the
terminal."

19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement:
"We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us
today. And, the next time you get the insane
urge to go blasting through the skies in a
pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of
US Airways."

20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and
Gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking
section on this airplane is on the wing and if you
can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport.
After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude,
the captain made an announcement over the
intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your
captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number
293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles.
The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we
should have a smooth and uneventful flight.
Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!"
----- Silence followed, and after a few minutes,
the captain came back on the intercom and
said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I
scared you earlier. While I was talking to you,
the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup
of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the
front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach
yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the
back of mine!"

nu2topcat's photo
Tue 03/04/08 09:03 AM
FARM KID,
(NOW AT San Diego MARINE CORPS RECRUIT TRAINING.)

Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.
Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their fo o d plus yours holds you til noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The country is nice but awful flat The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bu lls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake . I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter

Carole



nu2topcat's photo
Tue 03/04/08 08:56 AM


At a paternity trial, the blonde's lawyer asked, "On the night of July 16th last, at approximately 11:45 p.m., in the locale known generally as 'Lover's Lane' did the defendant have sexual relations with you?"

"Yes," whispered the girl, her head bowed.

"And did the defendant on that occasion, to the best of your knowledge, have a climax?"
the lawyer continued.

"Oh no," she replied, "I'm pretty sure... he had one of them fancy Mitsubishis."

nu2topcat's photo
Mon 03/03/08 07:51 AM



Two fleas from Minnesota had an agreement to meet every winter in Miami for
a vacation. Last year when one flea got to Miami, he was all blue, shivering
and shaking, damn near frozen to death!

The other flea asked him, 'What the hell happened to you?'

The first flea said, 'I rode down here in the mustache of a guy on a Harley.'

The other flea said,' That's the worst way to travel. Try what I do. Go to
the Pierre International airport bar and look for a nice stewardess. Crawl
up her leg and nestle in where it's warm and cozy. It's the best way to
travel that I can think of.'

The first flea thanked the second flea and said he would give it a try next
winter. A year went by. When the first flea again showed up in Miami once
more he was all blue, shivering and shaking again and damn near frozen to
death.

The second flea asked him, 'Didn't you try what I told you?'

Yes,' said the first flea, 'I did exactly as you said. I went to the Pierre International airport bar and this nice young stewardess came in. I crawled right up to her warm cozy spot. It was so nice and warm that I fell asleep immediately. When I woke up, I was back in the mustache of the guy on the Harley...'


nu2topcat's photo
Mon 03/03/08 07:48 AM




...the Doctor replied "Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional.

In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," Bob said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the
tiniest 'whoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen.
It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery.

Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing
to the floor Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and
regain his composure.

"I'm so sorry," said the doctor. "I really am. I don't know what came over
me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen
again. Now, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Bob replied.


nu2topcat's photo
Mon 03/03/08 06:19 AM



The Yuppie was accosted by a hooker. She said, "How 'bout some relaxing oral sex honey... only $50... you look all uptight."

"No way!" the man responded. "I'm married!!!"

"So???" queried the hooker.

"My wife will do it for $20!" he replied.



nu2topcat's photo
Mon 03/03/08 06:18 AM


On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and, with great

anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her new Catholic husband had

settled down on the couch.



When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he

replied, "It's Lent."



In tears, she remarked, "Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard!

Who did you lend it to, and for how long?"

nu2topcat's photo
Mon 03/03/08 05:59 AM



Some times

you just have to ask yourself 'Will I live to be 80?'

I recently chose a

new primary care physician.

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests,

he said I

was doing 'fairly well' for my age.

A little concerned

about that comment, I couldn't

resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live

to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic
beverages?'
'No,' I replied. 'I don't do drugs, either.'
Then he
asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'
I said, 'No, my
other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot
of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, fishing
or relaxing on
the beach?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive
fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said. 'I don't do any of th
ose things.'
Then he looked at me and asked, 'Then why do you give a sh*t?'



nu2topcat's photo
Mon 03/03/08 05:55 AM
Now that the tanker program is Out sourced. Just one more thing!!

Our president said each one of us would get $300. It was $800, but Congress dropped it to a $300 tax rebate. If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China. If we spend it on gasoline, it will all go to the Arabs or Hugo Chavez, and neither will help the American economy.

The way I see it, we need to keep that money here in America, so the only way to keep that money here at home is to buy more beer or spend it on prostitution. These are the only businesses still in the U.S

nu2topcat's photo
Sun 03/02/08 11:06 AM
you still have HOT AND SEXY LEGS!!!!!!!!!

nu2topcat's photo
Sun 03/02/08 11:03 AM
that is how they prey on people. you cash the check, they get money, check or money order or cashiers check bounces, BINGO, bank nails your account for the debit. remember a few years ago a cashiers check was as good as gold?? not no more too many fakes!!! BE CARFULE OUT THERE PEOPLE THE WORLD IS A JUNJLE!!!!!

nu2topcat's photo
Sun 03/02/08 08:25 AM


A biker is riding by the zoo when he sees a little girl leaning into
the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and
tries to pull her inside to slaughter her under the eyes of her screaming
parents. The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage, and hits the lion
square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion
jumps back letting go of the girl and the biker brings her to her terrified
parents, who thank him endlessly.

A reporter has seen the whole scene and addressing the biker says, "Sir,
this was the most gallant and brave thing I have seen a man do in my whole
life."

The biker replies, "why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I
just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right."

The reporter says, "well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a
journalist, you know, and tomorrow's papers will have this on the first
page. What motorcycle do you ride?"

The biker tells him, "a Harley Davidson."

The journalist leaves. The following morning the biker buys the paper to see
if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on first page:

BIKER GANG MEMBER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH.




nu2topcat's photo
Sun 03/02/08 08:23 AM

Trojan Condom Company

69 slippery Root Drive

Rootrouser, NC 22269



Dear Ken,

We regret to inform you that we have rejected your application to model and represent our product, Trojan Condoms.

Although your general appearance is not displeasing, our board of directors feels that your wearing of our product does not portray a positive romantic image of our product. A loose, baggy, wrinkled condom is NOT considered romantic.

We did admire your efforts to firm it up by using Poly-Grip, but even then it slipped off before we could get the photographs taken. We would like to note, however, that we have never seen a penis that looked like a bicycle grip until now.

We appreciate your interest and thank you for your time. We will retain your application for future consideration if, by chance, we decide that there is a market for Micro-Mini Condoms.

We send our greetings and our deepest sympathy to your wife and/or girlfriend.



Yours very truly,

Burly ****, President

Trojan Condom Company



PS: Remember our slogan:

Cover your stump before you hump;

Don’t be silly, cover your willy;

Before you attack her, cover your whacker;

If you’re not going to sack it, GO HOME AND WHACK IT!

nu2topcat's photo
Sun 03/02/08 08:19 AM


> Two Radical Arab Terrorists boarded a flight out of London. One took a
> window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.
> Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After
> takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was
> settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I need to get up to
> get a Coke."

> "Don't get up," said the Marine, "I'm in the aisle seat; I'll get it for
> you."

> As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marine's shoe and
> spat in it.

> When the Marine returned with the Coke, the other Arab said, "That looks
> good; I'd really like one, too." Again, the Marine obligingly went to
> fetch it.

> While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marine's other shoe and
> spat in it.

> When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

> As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and
> knew immediately what had happened.

> "Why does it have to be this way?" the Marine asked earnestly . "How
> long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred?
> This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in Cokes?"


> THE FEW. THE PROUD. THE MARINES.

nu2topcat's photo
Sun 03/02/08 08:12 AM




- The milkman is wearing your bathrobe.

- You get a ticket for the Jerry Springer Show.

- She starts every sentence with the words ... "To whom it may concern."

- Your mail comes addressed to "Current Resident."

- The local mortician starts measuring you for a new suit.

- Her mother looks at you and starts laughing.

- You are urged to stir your coffee "very well," before drinking it.

- Your favourite easy chair is plugged into the wall outlet. - People are already referring to her as the "widow."

- Your name is Fred but the new tattoo just below her navel reads ... "Joe's Place."



nu2topcat's photo
Sun 03/02/08 08:10 AM


A man is on a business trip in Houston and buys a really cool pair of snakeskin boots and can't wait to show them to his wife.

Upon returning from his trip late the next evening, his wife is in the bathroom getting ready for bed.

He quickly strips down naked except for his new boots and stands in the bedroom to wait for her.

As his wife emerges from the bathroom, her husband asks, "Well, honey, do you notice anything special?"

To which the wife replies, "Yeah, it's limp!"

"It's not limp!" exclaims the husband. "It's admiring my new snakeskin boots!"

The wife looks at him and says, "Well next time buy a hat."

nu2topcat's photo
Sun 03/02/08 08:08 AM
Sunburn Treatment

A man goes on vacation to the Caribbean, quickly falls asleep on the sand and ends up with a wicked sunburn.

Wincing in pain as even a slight wind touches his scorched skin, the man hobbles off to the local doctor for help.

The doctor takes one look at the man's legs and says, "I don't have anything to treat sunburn that bad. Try taking
these blue pills."

"I've got sunburn!" cries the man. "What the hell's Viagra going to do for me?"

"Well," the doctor replies, "it will help keep the sheets off your legs when you try to sleep tonight."

nu2topcat's photo
Sat 03/01/08 10:35 AM
sorry threads posted are for all, if you want private do email!!!!!!!!!!!

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