"Doc," said the husband, "I got nine kids and the wife's expecting again! How do I stop the stork?"

The doctor replied, "Shoot it in the air!"

A little boy squirrel and a little girl squirrel were chattering and playing around when up comes a fox.

The girl squirrel dashed up a tree, but the boy squirrel stayed on the ground.

"That's strange," said the fox. "Usually squirrels are afraid of me and run to the nearest tree."

"Listen, bud," replied the boy squirrel. "Did you ever try to climb a tree when you were in the process of making love?"

One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said, "You had a great checkups. Is there anything that you'd like to ask me?"

"Well," he said, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy."

"That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?"

"Yeah, and they're in favour 15 to 2."

 Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on TV.  The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their TV set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed. Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the TV, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain. Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch. Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don't get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead." 

There are less than seven months until the election, an election that will decide the next President of the United States. The person elected will be the president of all Americans, not just the Democrats or the Republicans.

To show our solidarity as Americans, let's all get together and show each other our support for the candidate of our choice. It's time that we all came together, Democrats and
Republicans alike.

If you support the policies and character of John McCain, please drive with your headlights on during the day.

If you support Obama or Hillary, please drive with your headlights off at night.

with only 4 posts you are batting 000. to improve your average you need to jump into the forums and chat with the pubic so the gals will get to know you a bit first!!!

makes sence to me. When in my younger years meaningless sex was a kick that i actively looked for. Now in my older years my priorites are diffrent. went on a date last week, nice gal and i was thinking it might be worth seeing if we had any compability for a long term thing. She called me a few days later and was not interested in a romance, but was very interested in a sexual relationship, lol, years ago i would have been at her place before she hung up the phone. but i told her no thanks that wasnt what i was looking for. we decided to still be pals but without the benifits. i guess i worry to much about the gifts that just keep giving, STD. Just do what feels right to you and the hell with everyone else.

A doctor, an architect, and an attorney were dining at the country club one day, and the conversation turned to the subject of their respective dogs, which were apparently quite extraordinary.

A wager was placed on who had the most intelligent dog.

The physician offered to show his dog first, and called to the parking lot, "Hippocrates, come!"

Hippocrates ran in, and was told by the doctor to do his stuff. Hippocrates ran to the golf course and dug for a while, producing a number of bones. He dragged the bones into the country club, and assembled them into a complete, fully articulated human skeleton.

The physician patted Hippocrates on the head, and gave him a cookie for his efforts.

The architect was only marginally impressed, and called for his dog, "Slide-rule, come!" Slide-rule ran in, and was told to do his stuff. The dog immediately chewed the skeleton to rubble, but reassembled the fragments into a scale model of the Taj Mahal.

The architect patted his dog and gave him a cookie.

The attorney watched the other two dogs, and then called "Bullsh*t, come!"

Bullsh*t entered and was told to do his stuff. Bullsh*t immediately sodomized the other two dogs, stole their cookies, auctioned the Taj Mahal replica to the other club members for a tidy profit, and went outside to play golf.

A cowboy, who is visiting Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, 'You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.'



The cowboy replies, 'Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself.'



The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.



The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.



One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, 'I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.'



The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. 'Oh, no, everybody's just fine,' he explains, 'It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected my brothers though.'

Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that
Connects the eyeball to the anus?

It's called the 'Recta-Optic' Nerve, and it is responsible for giving people a
****ty outlook on life.

If you don't believe it, try to pull a hair from your ass and see if it
doesn't bring a tear to your eye.

And on that note, have a great day!

This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...
it goes like this:

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bull**** and Ass kissing that will put you over the top

"REMEMBER SOME PEOPLE ARE ALIVE SIMPLY BECAUSE IT IS ILLEGAL TO SHOOT THEM."

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?" The little boy nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that? Again the little boy nodded.

He continued, "And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach a dumb ass is it?" Again the little boy nodded. "Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother."

ROFLMAO

While vacationing in the hills of Alabama, the big city man discovered he had no writing paper at all for his personal correspondence.

He went into the small town nearby and found only an old-fashioned country store. Behind the counter was a really nice looking young lass, quite obviously a local farm girl.

He asked, "Do you keep stationery?"

"Well," she giggled, "I can...until I have an orgasm, then I just go plain wild and crazy!"

There was this guy riding down the road when he sees this pretty young lady standing with her thumb out.

The driver pulls over and offers her a ride.

She gets in and later on down the road she says, "My name is June Hanson."

He says, "My name is Gene Snow."

Later on down the road she looks over at him and says, "Why do you keep sizing me up?"

He says, "I was just wondering what it would be like to have eight inches of Snow in June."

There once was a religious young woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional she said, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."

The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."

The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."

The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."

The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

The Priest said "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face

A couple visited a marriage counselor and each was instructed to write a sentence using the words 'sex' and 'love.'

The woman wrote, "When two people love each other very much, like Bob and I, it is morally acceptable for them to engage in sex."

And Bob wrote "I love sex."

should have stayed in school longer