Q: What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?


















A: Beer Nuts are $1, but Deer Nuts are always under a buck.

Bruce is driving over the Sydney Harbor Bridge one day when he sees his girlfriend, Sheila about to throw herself off.

Bruce slams on the brakes and yells, "Sheila, what the hell d'ya think you're doing?"

Sheila turns around with a tear in her eye and says, "G'day Bruce. Ya got me pregnant and so now I'm gonna kill myself."

Bruce gets a lump in his throat when he hears this. He says "Strenth Sheila... Not only are you a great shag, but you're a real sport, too!" ... and drives off

bull, it has worked for over 200 years. now a vast minority want to change it screw them, i am 1 tired american of of this crap where the majority must bend to the minority. about 85% of america has no problem with prayer in schools or the pledge of alligence or in god we trust on our money, i am not even religious. i have not been to church in years, and it does not bother me or millions of others. so please just shut your mouth and leave the majority of america alone. you people are whats wrong with the usa. please take a long walk off a short pier, your all wet anyway

The Cowboy Boots

(Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this)

Did you hear about the Michigan teacher who was helping

One of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy
boots?

He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her
pulling and him
pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on.

By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked
up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher,
they're on the wrong feet.' She looked, and sure
enough,
they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off
than
>it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool
as,
together, they worked to get the boots back on, this
time
on the right feet.

He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.'

She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his fac e
and
scream, 'Why didn't you say so?', like she wanted to.
Once again she struggled to help him pull the
ill-fitting boots
off his little feet.

No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said,
'They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em.'

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But she

mustered up what grace and courage she had left to
wrestle
the boots on his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are
your
mittens?'

He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'

She will be eligible for parole in three years.

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive. It was, and she said to her husband, 'It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?'


He says, 'O.K., Get in the car with it.'

'Where shall I put it to get it warm?'

He says, 'Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there.'

'But what about the smell?'

'Just hold its little nose.'

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.

A father, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old daughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time.

One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and he really didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their daughter out. When they returned, the little girl ran upstairs to see her father.

'Well,' the father asked,

'Did you enjoy your ride with mommy?'

'Oh yes, Daddy' the girl replied, 'and do you know what? 'We didn't see a single dumb b*stard or lousy sh*t head!'


Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it?

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California. . White minorities still trying to have English recognized
As Mexifornia's third language.



Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States
Crops and livestock.



Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.




Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.



Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.




France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica
No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation!



Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.




George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.




Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.




85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.



Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.


Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive
Year in Mexifornia and Floruba.




Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.


Abortion clinics now available in every
High School in United States.


Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR even though gas is selling for 4532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays.



Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.



Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals
Violates their civil rights.



Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.



New federal law requires that all nail clippers,
Screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must
Be registered by January 2030



IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.



Floruba voters still having trouble with voting machines.

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know
Jack Schitt!'

Well, thanks to genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.

Awe Schitt was married to O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate,
and owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious
couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla
Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb
Schitt, a high school dropout.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.

Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids
were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She
was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a
son with a rather nervous disposition who was nick-named
Chicken Schitt.

Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt,
were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married
the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.

He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

One day in the future, OJ Simpson

has a heart attack and dies

He immediately goes to hell, where

the devil is waiting for him.



"I don't know what to do here,"

says the devil. "You are on my list, but I

have no room for you. You definitely

have to stay here, so I'll tell you

what I'm going to do. I've got

a few folks here who weren't quite as bad as

you. I'll let one of them go,

but you have to take their place. I'll even

let YOU decide who leaves."



OJ thought that sounded pretty

good, so the devil opened the door to the

first room

In it was Ted Kennedy and a

large pool of water.

Ted kept diving in, and surfacing,

empty handed. Over,

and over, and over he dove in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his

fate in hell.

"No," OJ said. "I don't think so. I'm not

a good swimmer and I don't think

I could do that all day long."





The devil led him to the door of

the next room.

In it was George W. Bush with a

sledgehammer and a room full of rocks.

All he did

was swing that hammer, time

after time after time. "No, this is no good;

I've got this problem with my shoulder.

I would be in constant agony if all

I could do was break rocks all

day," commented OJ.



The devil opened a third door.

Through it, OJ saw Bill Clinton,

lying on the bed, his arms tied over his

head, and his legs restrained

in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was

Monica Lewinsky, doing what

she does best. OJ looked at this in

shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah

man, I can handle this."



The devil smiled and said . .



. . .



(This is priceless)



"OK, Monica, you're free to go."

> My grandmother died in 1975, but her birthday is coming up, and that always causes me to reminisce. The long walks we used to take to the
> store on Brunswick Street, the quarters she gave me for meaningless
> jobs like pulling weeds or washing the sidewalk... Those gems were all good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandmotherly advice, occurred when I was only about 10.
>
> We were sitting in a park having just finished collecting some 40 soda
> bottles for the deposit money on a beautiful spring day. She told me
> that one day, I would find a wonderful woman and start my own family.
> "And remember always this thing," she said. "Be sure you marry a woman
> with small hands."
> "How come, Grandma?" I asked her. She answered in her soft voice..
> "Makes your **** look bigger."
>
> Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

robm248, the system will double post sometimes. this country is screwed, because of people that are blind. when they bawl in a few years, screw you, you just doomed your children, i just wish you see how bad you hurt them, fools

not sure that is fair to the child, but much better than some alternatives that make the news, sad that we can not put our children first, but sometimes our former mates will not allow it.

go ahead

by the way hellkitten54, no your butt does not look fat and i have been checking, lol

check and see if your elected official voted just the way you wanted him to
that is why we elect them.
do they
hell no
they vote the way they want to, after we elect them and screw you.
its to late to kick them out of office

i am all for helping citizens, screw the illegals and the sissys who protect them, maybe they would be better off protecting our own citizens, as you stated, the crippled, homeless and others, but theres not enough money to go around, so who do we help??????????????????? our own??????????????? or others?????????????????

if you close your eyes like some, then we don't have a problem

i know a way to control overpopulation, but you candy-azzes wont like it 1 bit, but it would solve a bigger problem here. and fix most of what wrong here

cop pulls over an elderly lady for doing 50mph in a35mph

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

O fficer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

Th e woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand.

One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said, "Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thing, I'm going to the cops!"

"I don't know what you're talking about miss - that's just my pay check in my pocket."

"Oh really," she spat back. "Then you must have some job, because that's the fifth raise you've had in the last half hour!"