Have you ever wondered where the Phrase "You Gotta Be Sh*ttin' Me" came from?

Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of
Our Country way back when George Washington was crossing the
Delaware River with his troops.

There were 33 [remember this number] in Washington 's boat.

It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was
Tossing them about.

Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters [remember this name] and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern.

He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading.

Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging
The lantern back and forth, back and forth.

Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and
His lantern into the Delaware.

Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find
Corporal Peters, but to no avail.

All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.

Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side,
Wet and totally exhausted.
He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.

Another hour later, one of his men said, "General, I see lights ahead"

They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house.

What they didn't know, was that this was a house of ill repute
Hidden in the forest to serve all who came.

General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him.

The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman.

A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.

Washington was the first to speak, "Madam, I am General George
Washington and these are my men.

We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort."

Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a
Broad smile on her face, Said, "Well, General, you have come to the right place. We can Surely give you warmth and comfort.

How many men do you have?"

Washington replied, "Well, madam, there are 32 of us without Peters."
And the Madam said, "You gotta be sh*ttin' me."

Maxine was driving down the street in a sweat because she had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up toward heaven, she said, 'Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up sex and tequila.' Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

She looked up again and said, 'Never mind. I found one.'

eat me!!!

Have you ever wondered where the Phrase "You Gotta Be ****tin' Me" came from?

Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of
Our Country way back when George Washington was crossing the
Delaware River with his troops.

There were 33 [remember this number] in Washington 's boat.

It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was
Tossing them about.

Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters [remember this name] and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern.

He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading.

Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging
The lantern back and forth, back and forth.

Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and
His lantern into the Delaware.

Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find
Corporal Peters, but to no avail.

All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.

Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side,
Wet and totally exhausted.
He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.

Another hour later, one of his men said, "General, I see lights ahead"

They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house.

What they didn't know, was that this was a house of ill repute
Hidden in the forest to serve all who came.

General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him.

The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman.

A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.

Washington was the first to speak, "Madam, I am General George
Washington and these are my men.

We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort."

Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a
Broad smile on her face, Said, "Well, General, you have come to the right place. We can Surely give you warmth and comfort.

How many men do you have?"

Washington replied, "Well, madam, there are 32 of us without Peters."
And the Madam said, "You gotta be ****tin' me."

Lars--a Norwegian from Cook County in northern Minnesota-- was an older, single gentleman who was born and raised a Lutheran. Each Friday night after work, he would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak.

Now, all of Lars's neighbors were Catholic.....and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Fridays. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The priest came to visit Lars, and suggested that Lars convert to Catholicism. After several classes and much study, Lars attended Mass.....and as the priest sprinkled holy water over Lars, he said, "You were born a Lutheran and raised a Lutheran, but now you are Catholic."

Lars's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Frid ay night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The priest was called immediately by the neighbors and, as he rushed into Lars's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold Lars, he stopped in
amazement and watched......

There stood Lars, clutching a small bottle of water, which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat, and chanted: "You were born a deer, and raised a deer, but now you are a walleye.

Willie "Big Stick" Daly and his hot blonde gal, Mary Edna Knightly, were embracing passionately in the front seat of Willie's car.

"Want to go in the back seat?" Willie asked, attempting to shift things into full throttle.

"Nope," replied the demure Miss Mary Edna.

A few minutes later Wille asked again, "Now do you want to get in the back seat?"

"No, I do not," she said again, "I wanna stay here in the front seat with you!"

A woman goes on a blind date that hadn't been all that great, she was relieved the evening was finally over.

At her apartment door, he suddenly said, "Hey! You wanna see my underwear?"

Before she could respond, he had dropped his pants.

Right there in the hall, he revealed that he wasn't wearing any underwear.

Glancing down she said, "Nice bulge, but does it also come in men's sizes?"

1. In your bosses office as you are turning to leave. Tip-Make sure it's a silent one.
2. In a bathroom
3. In a cashier's line - it might help to speed up things
4. In an empty elevator before you get off
5. Next to an occupied changing room - it may quickly become unoccupied.
6. In someone elses unoccupied cubicle at work
7. While parachuting
8. While scuba diving
9. In the back seat of a patrol car if you are arrested
10. During interrogation if you're the one being interrogated
11. In your car if you've been carjacked
12. In the changing room when you're sure someone else is waiting their turn.
13. In your car once you've been pulled over. The cop may let you go quicker.
14. During a pie eating competition to distract your competitors
15. While walking down a crowded hallway. Nobody will know who to blame.

1. In a crowded elevator
2. On a crowded bus
3. In a public library
4. While on a date
5. While giving a speech
6. In church
7. In a crowded classroom
8. In your office when you're alone - someone's bound to walk in immediately afterwards
9. In a movie theater
10. In your cubicle at work - again someone's bound to walk in to visit
11. In a walk-in freezer - it'll linger a while
12. In an commercial airplane
13. On a ticket line
14. In your car before picking up a family member
15. In a Cessna

DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS
TO ANSWER THE FOLLOWING!

Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby, What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence On My VCR?

Dear Abby, I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.

Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

Dear Abby, I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?

Dear Abby, My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $250.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.

Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short tempered I think she is going through mental pause.

Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?

Remember these people can vote.......

Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?

Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland .

Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.

The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.

As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, 'Who is that man going into the barn?'

'That fellow traveling through,' said the farmer, 'needs a place to stay for the night, so I told him he could sleep in the barn.'

The daughter said, 'Perhaps he is hungry.' So she prepared a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn.

About an hour later, the daughter returned, her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.

The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.

When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. 'How could he leave without even saying goodbye,' she cried. 'We made such passionate love last night!'

'What?' shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.

The farmer screamed up at him, 'I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!'

The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out.....


'LAIDTHEOLADEETOO.!!'

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your
arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.

Three guys are fishing together on a winter day, when Fred gets up to get a beer, loses his balance, and falls out of the boat.

Ed says, "What should we do?"

Bill says, "You better jump in after him, he's been under water for a while, he might need some help."

So Ed jumps in, and after some time, he surfaces. He says, "Help me get Fred back in the boat."

They wrestle Fred back into the boat.

Ed says, "What do we do now, it doesn't look like he's breathing."

Bill says, "Give him mouth to mouth."

Ed starts to blow air into Fred's mouth and says, "Whoa, I don't remember Fred having such bad breath."

Bill says, "Come to think of it, I don't think Fred was wearing a snowmobile suit, either."

A guy enters a bar and orders two shots of vodka. He drinks the first and dumps the second on his right hand.

He then orders a second round of shots, drinks the first and again dumps the second on his right hand.

The bartender sees this and becomes curious as the guy orders a third round and does the exact same thing.

So the bartender asks the guy, "Hey man, I hope you don't mind me asking but why the waste of good drinks?"

So the man says, "I have to get my date drunk."

A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No," he says, "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been together since we got married in 1970."

"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."

In God We Trust,

lol

dam censors!! ruin the joke!!

Wanda, my two favorite things in life!!!! big hooters and a *****!!!!

thank you. yours is very nice also. sheperds are a pain but worth it

This guy goes into a doctors and says, "Doctor, doctor you've gotta help me. I just can't stop having sex!"

"Well how often do you have it?" the doctor asks.

"Well, twice a day I have sex with my wife, TWICE a day," he answers back.

"That's not so much," says the doctor.

"Yes, but that's not all. Twice a day I have sex with my secretary, TWICE a day," replies the man.

"Well that is probably a bit excessive," says the doctor.

"Yes, but that's not all. Twice a day I have sex with a prostitute, TWICE a day," says the man.

"Well, that's definitely too much," says the doctor. "You've got to learn to take yourself in hand."

"I do," says the man. "Twice a day!"