Seems a guy was driving for hours thru desolate country when he passed a farmhouse, and before he could react, a cat ran out in front of him and 'splat!'... he flattened the cat.

Out of kindness and consideration, he stopped, turned around and drove back to the farmhouse to notify the occupants.

When the housewife came to the door, he said, "Pardon me madame, but I just ran over a cat in front of your house, and assumed that it must belong to you. I know this might be hard to hear, but I wanted to let you know instead of just driving off..."

"Not so fast", said the lady. "How do you know it was our cat? Could you describe him?... What did he look like?"

The man promptly flopped down on the ground, and said, "He looked like this," as he gave his best shot at a dead cat impression.

"No, you foolish man", she replied. "I meant, what did he look like BEFORE you hit him?"

The man got up, covered his eyes with both hands and screamed, "Agggghhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!"

Monique walked in to a sexshop. She told the shop assistant she wanted to buy a dildo. The man said, "Far wall... right hand side... we have lots to choose from."

So she began to choose. Green ones... pink ones.... but Moniqe wanted the red one, so she took it up to the counter.

The shop assistant said, "Sorry, but you can't have that one. That's our fire extinguisher."

bull**** being a vetern is a cop out. if you worked and paid taxes you qualify. being a vet is a bonus, the system needs fixed it takes to long for the aveage person to get help

there is another side of the coin also. i have adult boys who live far away due to divorce. i do not have a lot to do with them at all. ever since they have been teenagers the only time i hear from them is when they want or need someting, IE, a car or a cash loan that never gets repaid, i will not be a cash cow for them. if i heard something other than they need, need, need, it might be differant, my youngest is in the navy (22 yrs old) was thinking of visiting for xmas but didnt have the money i told him maybe next year (he is in texas) but he found the money to go to ohio with his mother, if that makes me badd so be it, but if all you do is pay their way what are you teaching them, how great it is to live on welfare? sorry, not in my life time.

spqr, i disagree, if your not patriotic enough to place your hand over your heart during OUR national anthem, then you are NOT patroitic enough to be OUR President, I think he has a hidden agenda, did he ever quit smoking or is he still hiding it??

lol, i work for a brewery!!!

Before you order a drink in public, you should read this! Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could 'nail' a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:

PART A: WOMEN-DRINKS, WHO THEY ARE, & YOU!

Drink: Beer
Personality: Causal, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.


Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabana boy.

Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows EXACTLY what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. If she's interested, she'll send YOU a drink..................


Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with my friends.

Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually, she has NO clue.
Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...this should be an easy target.

Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with pals and looking to get
totally drunk... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed. Nothing to do but wait, however, be careful not to make her mad!


Drink: Tequila
No explanations required - everyone just KNOWS what happens there.




PART B: MAN-DRINKS & WHO THE MEN ARE!

THEN, there is the MALE addendum -- The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:

Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.

Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid .

Wine:
He is hoping that the wine will give him a sophisticated
image to help him get laid.

Whiskey: He doesn't give a damn about anything but getting laid.

Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.

White Zinfandel: He's gay

the truth will set you free!! lol

This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a
pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an
unusual pet. After some discussion he finally bought a centipede, (100 leg
bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box
home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by
taking his new pet to the bar for a drink. So he asked the centipede in the
box, "Would you like to go to Frank's place with me and have a beer?" But
there was no answer from his new Pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited
a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and
having a drink with me?" But again there was no answer from his new friend
and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He
decided to ask him one more time. This time putting his face up against the
centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to
Frank's place and have a drink with me?

A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time ! I'm
putting my f*cking shoes on!"

Two lawyers were walking down Rodeo Drive and saw a beautiful model walking towards them.

"What a babe," one said, "I'd sure like to screw her!"

"Really?" the other responded, "Out of what?"

maybe in reality, im 54 your 28 why write to you for a relationship. a lot of people view people but dont write because they dont match up for whatever reasons, smokers, drinkers, self sufficient, strong independant woman, lol

I could walk around the yard barefoot in safety.

My house could be carpeted instead of tiled and laminated.

All flat surfaces, clothing, furniture, and cars would be free of hair.

When the doorbell rings, it wouldn't sound like a kennel.





When the doorbell rings, I could get to the door without wading through fuzzy bodies who beat me there.

I could sit on the couch and my bed the way I wanted, without taking into consideration how much space several fur bodies would need to get comfortable.





I would have money ....and no guilt to go on a real vacation.

I would not be on a first-name basis with 6 veterinarians, as I put their yet unborn grand kids through college.





The most used words in my vocabulary would not be: out, sit, down, come, no, stay, and leave him/her/it ALONE.

My house would not be cordoned off into zones with baby gates or barriers.





My house would not look like a day care center, toys everywhere.

My pockets would not contain things like poop bags, treats and an extra leash.





I would no longer have to Spell the words B-A-L-L, F-R-I-S-B-E- E, W-A-L-K, T-R-E-A-T, B-I-K-E, G-O, R-I-D-E

I would not have as many leaves INSIDE my house as outside.





I would not look strangely at people who think having ONE dog/cat ties them down too much.

I'd look forward to spring and the rainy season instead of dreading "mud" season.





I would not have to answer the question "Why do you have so many animals?" from people who will never have the joy in their lives of knowing they are loved unconditionally by someone as close to an angel as they will ever get.






How EMPTY my life would be!

I think it's time we all got behind our elected officials...
....less chance of getting stabbed in the back!!!

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated.

As he examined the body of Sam Jones, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Sam had the longest private part he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Jones," said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity."

And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's distinguishing member.

The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife.

"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase.

"Oh, my God!" she screamed, "Sam is dead!"

im sorry, i am getting older.(i have 2 sons older and smarter than you) maybe if you would write in a more knowledgable way (less foul language that gets deleted) people might understand you better. please be careful of what you say, you could be banned if someone reports you, the moderaters will not tolerate that type of behavior, until then please enjoy your stay. and keep thinking those happy thoughts!!!

didnt mythbusters do a deal on the wineglass thing and prove it wrong??

COAL

come on spring!!!

last, you are the last person who i think would be a christian, you sir, are a charlatan. and i use the term "sir" loosely. Using terms such as gay and your foul language only prove my point, you are no more a true christian than the man on the moon. come back when you grow up.