As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember

~ Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called, "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."

~ The difference between the Pope and your boss, the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

~ My mind works like lightning, one brilliant flash and it is gone.

~ The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

~ I hate sex in the movies......
Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chi lled the mood.

~ Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

~ It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable now, of course, there's shipping and handling too.

~ A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

~ My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.

~ A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."

~ My neighbor was bitten by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be treated and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."

~ Definition of a teenager?
God's punishment...for enjoying sex!

~ As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way!

A farmer's wife was at her lawyer's getting advice about a divorce.

"He makes excessive sexual demands on me, Mr. Jones," said the woman.

"How do you mean?" asked the attorney.

"Well, Mr. Jones," says the farmer's wife, "this morning I was looking at the chickens, when he crept up behind me and had me from behind!"

"Chickens? Mrs. Smith, I didn't know you kept chickens," said the lawyer.

"We don't, Mr. Jones," replied the woman, "we were at the Piggly-Wiggly supermarket when it happened!"

A German, Englishman and a Saudi gentleman are traveling on a train. They get bored and start telling each other about their families.

The German says, "I have 4 kids, one more and they'll make a basketball team."

The Englishman says, "Huh! That's nothing I have 10 boys; one more and I'll be the world-champion soccer-team's coach."

The Saudi starts laughing. He says, "I've had 17 wives and no kids! But one more wife and I'll open a golf course!!!"

AND I DO AGREE ON THE PART OF 1 INGNORANT INDIVIDUAL, THANK YOU DRAGON. we finally agree on something

as i stated i am not sure how true this is but it did come from someone who is semi-reliable, but to counter dragonbreath i have heard simular things here (in Denver) during cinco de maya,and before you berate me dragon, i have been married to mexican women so i do know first hand, verus dreamland thoughts of others, or goverment lackys

dragon poop!!

i do not know how true this may be but it rings a bell here in Denver, i would not think that any body could be that stupid, but i see and hear them on the news every nite. just passing it on folks!!





On the streets of downtown Houston , May 1, 2007.

Jim Moore reporting for a Houston TV station:

Jim: Juan, I see that you and thousands of other protesters are marching in the streets to demonstrate for your cause. Exactly what is your cause and what do you expect to accomplish by this protest?

Juan: We want our rights. We will show you how powerful we are. We will bring Houston to its knees!

Jim: What rights?

Juan: Our right to live here ... legally. Our right to get all the benefits you get.

Jim: When did you come to the United States ?

Juan: Six years ago. I crossed over the border at night with seven other friends.

Jim: Why did you come?

Juan: For work. I can earn as much in a month as I could in a year in Mexico Besides, I get free health care, our Mexican children can go to school free, if I lose my job I will get welfare, and someday I will have the Social Security nothing like that in Mexico !

Jim: Did you feel badly about breaking our immigration laws when you came?

Juan: No! Why should I feel bad? I have a right to be here. I have a right to amnesty. I paid lots of money for my Social Security and Green Cards.

Jim: How did you acquire those documents?

Juan: From a guy in Dallas He charged me a lot of money too.

Jim: Did you know that those documents were forged?

Juan: It is of no matter. I have a right to be here and work.

Jim: What is the "right" you speak of?

Juan: The right of all aliens. It is found in your Constitution. Read it!

Jim: I have read it, but I do not remember it saying anything about rights for aliens.

Juan: It is in that part where it says that all men have alien rights, like the right to pursue happiness. I wasn't happy in Mexico , so I came here.

Jim: I think you are referring to the Declaration of Independence and that document speaks to unalienable rights not alien rights.

Juan: Whatever.

Jim: Since you are demanding to become an American citizen, why then are you carrying a Mexican Flag?

Juan: Because I am Mexican.

Jim: But you said you want to be given amnesty ... to become a U..S. citizen.

Juan: No. This is not what we want. This is our country, a part of Mexico that you gringos stole from us. We want it returned to its rightful owner.

Jim: Juan, you are standing in Texas After winning the war with Mexico , Texas became a Republic, and later Texans voted to join the USA . It was not stolen from Mexico .

Juan: That is a gringo lie. Texas was stolen. So were California , New Mexico and Arizona It is just like all the other stuff you gringos steal, like oil and babies.. You are a country of thieves.

Jim: Babies? You think we steal babies?

Juan: Sure. Like from Korea and Vietnam and China I see them all over the place. You let all these foreigners in, but try to keep us Mexicans out. How is this fair?

Jim: So, you really don't want to become an American citizen then.

Juan: I just want my rights! Everyone has a right to live, work, and speak their native language wherever and whenever they please. That's another thing we demand. All signs and official documents should be in Spanish. Teachers must teach in Spanish. Soon, more people here in Houston will speak Spanish than English. It is our right!

Jim: If I were to cross over the border into Mexico without proper documentation, what rights would I have there?

Juan: None. You would probably go to jail, but that's different.

Jim: How is it different? You said everyone has the right to live wherever they please.

Juan: You gringos are a bunch of land grabbing thieves. Now you want Mexico too? Mexico has its rights. You gringos have no rights in Mexico Why would you want to go there anyway? There is no free medical service, schools, or welfare there for foreigners such as you. You cannot even own land in my country. Stay in the country of your birth.

Jim: I can see that there is no way that we can agree on this issue. Thank you for your comments.

Juan: Viva Mexico

Mother stopped by unannounced at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.'What are you doing?' she asked.
'I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work,' the daughter-in-law answered. 'But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed.'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law explained.
'Love dress? But you're naked!' 'Mike loves me to wear this dress,' she explained. 'It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me.' The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, and dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
What are you doing?' he asked.
'This is my love dress,' she whispered, sensually.
'Needs ironing,' he said. 'What's for dinner?' He never heard the shot.

I Have no interest in seperated women, i have seen too many get back with the ex and someones heart gets broken, going both ways, men and women!! i am serious but not in a hurry, haste makes waste.
and if they dont fit your mold do you change who you are so they will?? thanks, but no thanks. love me or leave me as i am, and i will do you the same, that will equal a match made in heaven. no offence but ill look and wait for that, and except no substuite. lol

Coca Cola Condoms: Always a Real Thing.

Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one.

Cambells Soup Condoms: Mm, mm good.

The Carl's Jr. Condom: If it doesn't get all over the place, it doesn't belong in your face...

General Electric: We bring good things to life!

AT&T condom: 'Reach out and touch someone.'

Bounty: The quicker picker upper.

Microsoft: where do you want to go today ?

Energizer: It keeps going and going and going....

M&M condom: 'It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!'

Chevron: use them? people do.

Taco Bell: get some; make a run for the border

MCI: for friends and family

Double Mint: Double your pleasure, double your fun!

The Sears latex condom: One coat is good for the entire winter

Delta Airlines travel pack: Delta's ready when you are

United Airlines travel pack: Fly United

The Star Trek Condom: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before

Wendy Condoms: Where's the beef?

Denny's Condoms: $1.99 Grand Slam

Mazda Condom: It Just Feels Right!

Maxwell House: Good to the last drop!

McDonalds condom: Over 99 billion served

Hewlett Packard condoms: Expanding Possibilities

Burger King: Have it your way

Dairy Queen: We treat you right

AOL: So easy to use, no wonder it's #1

Which condom would you use....

Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling!

Nike Condoms: Just do it.

Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.

Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop!

Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.

Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.

Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, its that simple.

Ford Condoms: The best never rest.

Chevy Condoms: Like a rock.

Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?

New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey-- you never know.

California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?

Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.

KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.

A drunk is sitting in a bar. There is a very buxom
>blonde a few seats down from him with breasts size
>44DD'S.
>A fellow at the end of the bar calls for a beer. The
>bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar. It
>hits the lady's breasts and spills all over them. The
>bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the
>beer off of her breasts.
>
>This happens a couple more times.
>
>The next time, the drunk jumps up and starts to lick
>her breasts. She decks him! He's laying on the floor
>moaning and groaning.
>
>"Why do you let the bartender do it?"
>
>
>
>"Because he has.............(your gonna love this)......
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> A LICKER LICENSE!

even local govs. are to blame. left turn on arrow only is a prime example of wasted gas, here in denver almost all lighted intersections aree this way, a gross wastee of gas

don't just blame the camel jockeys, you can blame our own goverment too!

There's an owner of a gas station near my house who has gotten tired of constantly changing the gas prices as they increase on a daily basis...

Now, instead of posting the prices on that board, he has a huge photo of a hand giving people the finger!

A man goes into a pharmacist's shop and asks for a packet of condoms. The assistant asks him what variety he would like.

"How about the new box of condoms with all different colors?" he says.

So he buys a packet of 12 mixed colors and goes away.

A few months later he's in the maternity-wear shop buying a maternity dress for his wife.

"What bust?" asks the assistant.

"The yellow one," answers the man.

> The Pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors, none
> of who could figure out how to cure him. Finally he was brought
> to an old physician. After about an hour's examination the
> physician came out and told the cardinals that he had some good
> news and some bad news.
>
> The bad news was that the pope had a rare disorder of the
> testicles, which if left untreated, would be fatal. The good news
> was that all the Pope had to do to be cured, was to have sex.
>
> Well, this was not good news to the cardinals, who argued about
> it at length. Finally they went to the Pope with the doctor and
> explained the situation.
>
> After some thought, the Pope stated, "I agree, but under four
> conditions."
>
> The cardinals were amazed and there arose quite an uproar. Over
> the noise a single voice asked, "And what are the four
> conditions?"
>
> The room stilled. There was a long pause....
>
> The Pope replied, "First the girl must be blind, so that she
> cannot see with whom she is having sex."
>
> "Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear with whom she
> is having sex."
>
> "And third, she must be mute so that if somehow she figures out
> with whom she is having sex, she can tell no one."
>
> After another long pause a voice arose and asked,
>
> "And the fourth condition?"
>
> The Pope replied, "Big t*ts."
>
>

They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail

I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64 charge. I Gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave the money back to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor.
She became indignant and informed me she was Educated and knew what she was doing, and returned the money again. I gave her the money back, same scenario!

I departed the store with the $46.64.



They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail

I walked into a Starbucks with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon
for a Grande Latte. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said "buy one-get one free." "They're already buy-one-get-one-free," she said, "so I guess they're both free"
She Handed me my free Lattes and I walked out the door.



They Walk Among Us!
One day I was walking down the beach with some Friends when one of them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked Up at the sky and said, "Where"?

They Walk Among Us!
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real Estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh I don't keep up with all that stuff."



They Walk Among Us!!
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One
day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"& Wanting to end the call quickly, I said "Pacific".



They Walk Among Us!
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.

They Walk Among Us!
My friend s and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.



They Walk Among Us!
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, has your plane arrived yet?"



They Walk Among Us!
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."



Yep, They Walk Among

They Walk Among Us, and they Reproduce,..(not alone)

and Worst of all ..........

THEY VOTE

When God was creating the human race he lined up all the males on one side and all the females opposite...

Then he asked, "Which of your species would like to urinate standing up?"

Well, the males went crazy, shouting that they wanted to pee standing up.

"Fine," said God, "Women get multiple orgasms"

Tired of the boring "straights" she'd been laying, a girl decided she'd find out if bikers were really the heavy "c*cksmen" that she heard they were.

So she picked up a gigantic biker and went with him up to his pad.

Stripped and ready, anxiously awaiting some real action, she was astonished to see that his full johnson was only three inches long.

"Who," she demanded scornfully, "do you think you're going to satisfy with that?"

Grinning confidently, the biker replied, "Me!"