Gary and John are in a sauna. Gary says to John, "Do you want to see a magic trick?"

John says "Sure."

"OK. Face away from me and get down on your hands and knees."

John turns around and gets down on all fours.

"There," says Gary, "does that feel like you've got a thumb up your azz?"

"Yes!" replies John

Gary waves both of his hands in the air, "Magic!"

You remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics? These questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now.



Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.



Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver (aka Clifford Arquette): Three days of steady drinking should do it.



Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.



Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.



Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning < /o:p>





Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.


Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.


Q. What are 'Do it,' 'I can help,' and 'I can’t get enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie : Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie : Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.


Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen : Only after lights out.




Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.


Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde : Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.



Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver : I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A Charley Weaver : His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.

the police still investigate. the no questions crap is just that. if it is murder you will go to jail as some in prison will testify. a few have tried to slip it past as make my day and now are up the river. it works

The parish priest went on a fishing trip.

On the last day of his trip, he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel
it in.

The guide, holding a net, yelled, 'Look at the size of that Son of a B*tch!'

'Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!'

'No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is - a Son of a B*tch fish!'

'Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a B*tch!'

Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster.

'Father, that's the biggest Son of a B*tch I've ever seen'

'Yes, it is a big Son of a B*tch. What should I do with it?'

'Why, eat it! Of course. You've never tasted anything as good as Son of a
B*tch!'

Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory.

While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his
trip.

'Take a look at this big Son of a B*tch I caught!'

Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, 'Father!'

'It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is, a Son of a B*tch fish!'

'Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a B*tch?'

Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit
in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a B*tch for his dinner.

'I'll even clean the Son of a B*tch', she said.

As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.

'What are you doing Sister?'

'Father wants me to clean this big Son of a B*tch for the new Bishop's
Dinner'

'Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!'

'No, no, no, it's called a Son of a B*tch Fish.'

'Really? Well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and
that Son of a B*tch can be the main course!

Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a B*tch.'

On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect. The Friar
had prepared an excellent meal.

The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent.

The new Bishop said, 'This is great fish, where did you get it?'

'I caught that Son of a B*tch!' proclaimed the proud priest.

'And I cleaned the Son of a B*tch!' exclaimed the Sister.

The Friar added, 'And I prepared the Son of a B*tch, using a special recipe!

The new Bishop looked around at each of them.

A big smile crept across his face as he said,




'You f*ckers are my kind of people!'

The 1st Affair:

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon'

'You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!'





The 2nd Affair:

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife, 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied, 'Not this time!'







The 3rd Affair:

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

'I have to show you something you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead?'






The 4th Affair:

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him, and then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue.' she replied. 'The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too.'

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing.'






The 5th Affair:

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One cent?' the man thought.

He glanced at the menu and asked, 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied, 'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked, 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'

The bartender replied,
'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'






The 6th Affair:

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly, 'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to,' his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know, I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work.

DAMNITOL
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

EMPTYNESTROGEN
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out!

ST. MOMMA'S WORT
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.

PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

DUMBEROL
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

FLIPITOR
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

MENICILLIN
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person. "

BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.


JACKASSPIRIN
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat

ANTI-TALKSIDENT
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

NAGAMENT
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him, without opening your mouth.

i live here in colo. i would have blown his azz away too. its a good law and works well here. many cases of homeowner justified shooting

ty suzi

fruit should be brewed in the beer, not added when you drink it, man law #1

roflmao

1. Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.

2. There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in GEORGIA.

3. There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in GEORGIA plus a couple no one's seen before.

4. If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.

5. "Onced" and "twiced" are words.

6. It is not a shopping cart; it is a buggy.

7. Fire ants consider your flesh a picnic.

8. People actually eat okra.

9. "Fixinto" is one word.

10. There is no such thing as "lunch". There is only dinner and then there is supper.

11. Ice tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two.
We do like a little tea with our sugar!

12. "Backards and forwards" means "I know everything about you."

13. "DJeet?" is actually a phrase meaning "Did you eat?"

14. You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is.
You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.

15. You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH them.

> Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking
> buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary. He
>
> tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their
> upstairs
> bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by
> grabbing
> the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.
> A
> whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially
>
> painful. Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants,
> and
> looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and
> bleeding.
> He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a
> Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid
> the
> now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
> In
> the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt
> and
> Mary staring at him from across the room. She said, "You were drunk
> again
> last night weren't you?"Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean
> thing?""Well,"
> Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken
> glass at
> the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing
> through
> the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all
> those
> Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

> Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a
> stiff
> one - just had another fight with the little woman." "Oh yeah?" said
> Charlie, "And how did this one end?""When it was over," Mike replied,
> "She
> came to me on her hands and knees."Really," said Charles, "Now that's a
> switch! What did she say?" She said, "Come out from under the bed, you
>
> little chicken."

> An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for
> speeding
> in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's
> breath
> and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says,
> "Sir,
> have you been drinking?""Just water," says the priest.The trooper says,
> "Then why do I smell wine?"The priest looks at the bottle and says,
> "Good
> Lord! He's done it again!"

>
> Paddy was in New York .He was patiently waiting and watching the
> traffic
> cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and
>
> shouted, "Okay, pedestrians." Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.He'd
>
> done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.After the
> cop
> had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him
> and
> said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"
>

>
> Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he
>
> meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man said, "I do, Father."The
> priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."Then the priest
> asked
> the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?""Certainly, Father," was
> the
> man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the
> priest.Then
> Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to
> heaven?"O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father." The priest said, "I don't
> believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to
> go
> to heaven?"O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. ; ; ; I thought you
> were
> getting a group together to go right now."
>
>
>

A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying

to maintain eye contact After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and

my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'

Clearing his throat, he stammered 'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming that was me.'

Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whisky, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. And, after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hil lbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
--Tom Clancy (Eliott Spitzer concurs!)


"You know 'that look' women get when they want sex? Me neither."
--Steve Martin?


"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
--Woody Allen?


"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
--Rodney Dangerfield


"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
--Lynn Lavner