HARD TO SAY THINGS WHEN YOU ARE DRUNK

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. No thanks, I'm married.

2. Nope, no more booze for me!

3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.

4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry.

5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?

6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.

7. I'm not interested in fighting you.

8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination . I'd hate to look like a fool!

9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.

10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty
of room at each side.

With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight
out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.
Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.
Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a
bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks.

Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to
where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each sack.

1.) Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
"How old was your husband?"
"98," she replied.
"Two years older than me."
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?

2.) Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

3.) The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

4.) I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees,
Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

5.) I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

6.) An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
"Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?"
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week "

7.) My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

8.) Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

9.) It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

10.) These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

11.) Re member: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.

12.) THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Hope dis vill cheer you op.

Reverend Ole was the pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church,
and Pastor Sven was the minister of the Swedish Covenant Church
across the road.

Yesterday I saw them standing by the road, pounding a sign into the
ground. The sign read:
"Da End iss Near! Turn Yourself Aroundt Now! Before It's Too Late!"

As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and
yelled, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!"

From the curve we heard screeching tires and a big splash...

Rev. Ole turns to Pastor Sven and asks, "Do ya tink maybe da sign
should yust say 'Bridge Out'?"

Confucius says:

'Passionate kiss, like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.'

'Virginity like bubble. One prick and all gone.'

'Man who run in front of car get tired.'

'Man who run behind car get exhausted.'

'Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.'

'Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ.'

'Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways is going to Bangkok.'

'Man who scratches arse must not bite fingernails.'

'Man who eats many prunes gets good run for money.'

'Baseball all wrong. Man with four balls not able to walk.'

'Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.'

'War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.'

'Man who sleep in cathouse by day sleep in doghouse by night.'

'Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.'

'It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.'

'Man who drive like hell bound to get there.'

'Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.'

'Man who lives in glasshouse should change in basement.'

'He who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.'

'Man who farts in church sits in own pew.'

'Man with one chopstick go hungry.'

The first old woman told the second old woman that sometimes she gets her husband excited at night by getting totally naked, lying in bed and putting both legs behind her head, yoga style.

The second old woman thought that this was a great Idea, so that night when her husband went in the bathroom to get ready for bed, she got totally naked and began the process of putting her legs behind her head. The first leg was kind of tough to put in place as she was a bit arthritic. However, she finally got it in place.

She had an even tougher time with the second leg, so she rocked herself backwards until she finally got it behind her head. However, she had rocked just a little too hard so that she flipped slightly backwards and got stuck with her butt sticking straight up in the air. It was just then that her husband came out of the bathroom.

'Agnes!' he exclaimed.' For heavens sake, comb your hair and put your teeth in .... You look like an azzhole.'

Two drunks are sitting at a bar...

One says to the other, "Hey! I hafta take a helluva pisssh. Would yeew pleashe go take a pisssh fer me?"

"Suure". says the other drunk.

So he staggers into the men's room, and after what seemed like an eternity, he comes staggering back out and sits down again beside his buddy.

His buddy says, "Whut thuh hell keppt yuh so long?! Did yeew take a pissh fer me?"

The other drunk says, "Yeew lyein' baastard!!! Yuuu din't haefta Piissh!!!"

Q: Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?








A: He decided to stick it out for one more year!

An elderly woman entered a large furniture store and was greeted by a much younger salesman.

"Is there something in particular I can show you?" he asked.

"Yes, I want to buy a sexual sofa," replied the older vixen.

"You mean a sectional sofa?" he suggested.

"Sectional schmectional," she said shrugging. "All I want is an occasional piece in the living room!"

Prior to her trip to Texas , Buffy

(a New Yorker),

confided to her co-workers she had three goals

for her trip to the Lone Star State ;


1. She wanted to taste some real Texas Bar-B-Que.

2. She wanted to take in a bona fide rodeo. And..

3. She wanted to have sex with a real cowboy.

Upon returning, the girls were curious as to how she fared.

"Let me tell you, they have a tree down there called a Mesquite and when they slow cook that brisket over that Mesquite, it's ooooh so good. The taste is unbelievable!" And I went to a real rodeo. Talk about athletes... those guys wrestle full grown bulls! They ride horses at a full gallop, then jump off the horses and grab the bull by the horns and throw them to the ground! It is just incredible!"


They then asked,
"Well tell us, did you have sex with a real cowboy?"

"Are you kidding? When I saw the outline of the condom they carry in the back pocket of their jeans, I changed my mind!"

lol

the lessor of 3 evils??

Norris and Fallon died in a hunting accident. Norris goes to heaven and Fallon goes to hell.

One day Norris looks down at Fallon in hell. Fallon has a beer in his hand and a blonde on his lap.

Norris gets p*ssed off so he goes to God and says, "What is this sh*t? I think I want to go to hell! Just look at my friend down there."

God says, "Look closer, the beer has a hole in the bottom and the blonde doesn't."

Leaving the wedding reception the honeymoon couple hailed a cab to take them to their romantic boutique hotel in the hills.

The driver wasn't too sure how to get there and said he would ask directions when they got closer.

Meanwhile, the lovers couldn't wait and got down to it on the back seat.

Seeing a fork in the road the driver said, "I take the next turn, right?"

"No way, get your own," said the groom, "this one's all mine."

Q: What do you do when a Rottweiler humps your leg?






A: Fake an orgasm.

A little old lady had two pet monkeys for years.

One day one of them died of natural causes.

In grief, the second monkey passed away two days later.

Not knowing what to do with them, she finally decided to take them to the taxidermist and have them stuffed.

After telling the owner of her wishes, he asked her, "Do you want them mounted?"

Blushing, she said, "No. holding hands will be fine."

Stan was seconds away from receiving a vasectomy when his brother and sister-in-law, Deniece, barged in the room holding their newborn baby.

"Stop! You can't do this!" exclaimed the brother.

"And why not?" asked Stan. "Don't you want to have a beautiful baby some day, like my wife and I have here?"

Stan said nothing as his brother held the baby towards him.

The brother grew impatient, "C'mon Stan, I want a nephew. Stan, make me an uncle!"

Stan couldn't take it anymore. He gave Deniece an apologetic look and asked his brother, "You're SURE you want a nephew?"

"Yes," the brother replied. "It would be an honor!"

"Well, congratulations," said, "you're holding him right now!"

One spring day, a fish was swimming about a foot below the surface of a lake and saw a fly hovering just out of striking distance.

The fish said to itself, "If that fly comes six inches closer, I'll jump up and have myself a meal."

Just then, a bear on the shore of the lake looked up and said to itself, "If that fly gets any closer to that fish, the fish will jump up, and I'll catch the fish and have myself a meal."

As luck would have it, a hunter saw what was happening. He thought to himself, "If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will lean over to grab the fish, and I'll shoot the bear."

Just then, a rat was standing behind the hunter saying to itself, "If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will lean over to grab the fish, the hunter will lean over to shoot the bear, and I'll grab the sandwich from the back pocket of the hunter."

However, unbeknownst to the rat, a cat was observing everything and thinking, "If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will grab the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, the rat will grab the sandwich, and I'll snatch the rat."

At that very moment, the fly dropped a few inches, the fish grabbed the fly, the bear grabbed the fish, the hunter shot the bear, the rat grabbed the sandwich, the cat jumped, missed the rat and landed in the lake.

The moral of this story is:

If the fly drops six inches... the pussie will get wet!

One spring day, a fish was swimming about a foot below the surface of a lake and saw a fly hovering just out of striking distance.

The fish said to itself, "If that fly comes six inches closer, I'll jump up and have myself a meal."

Just then, a bear on the shore of the lake looked up and said to itself, "If that fly gets any closer to that fish, the fish will jump up, and I'll catch the fish and have myself a meal."

As luck would have it, a hunter saw what was happening. He thought to himself, "If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will lean over to grab the fish, and I'll shoot the bear."

Just then, a rat was standing behind the hunter saying to itself, "If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will lean over to grab the fish, the hunter will lean over to shoot the bear, and I'll grab the sandwich from the back pocket of the hunter."

However, unbeknownst to the rat, a cat was observing everything and thinking, "If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will grab the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, the rat will grab the sandwich, and I'll snatch the rat."

At that very moment, the fly dropped a few inches, the fish grabbed the fly, the bear grabbed the fish, the hunter shot the bear, the rat grabbed the sandwich, the cat jumped, missed the rat and landed in the lake.

The moral of this story is:

If the fly drops six inches... the ***** will get wet!

A Zebra dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates. As he enters, he asks St. Peter, "I have a question that's haunted me all of my days on earth. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?"

St. Peter said, "That's a question only God can answer."

So, the zebra went off in search of God.

When he found Him, the zebra asked, "God, please, I must know. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?"

God simply replied, "You are what you are."

The zebra returned to see St. Peter once more, who asked him, "Well, did God straighten out your query for you?"

The zebra looked puzzled. "No sir, God simply said 'You are what you are.'"

St. Peter smiled and said to the zebra, "Well then, there you are. You are white with black stripes."

The zebra asked St. Peter, "How do you know that for certain?"

"Because," said St. Peter, "If you were black with white stripes, God would have said, "You is what you is."

WARNING

If you laugh at this, Al Sharpton & Jesse Jackson will be comin' right over to kick your white honky butt !!!!