>
> Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar.
> After awhile, one guy looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but
> think,
> from listening to you, that you're from Ireland.'
> The other guy
> responds proudly, 'Yes, that I am!'
> The first guy says, 'So am I! And
> where about from Ireland might you be'?
> The other guy answers, 'I'm from
> Dublin, I am.'
> The first guy responds, 'So am I!'
> 'Sure and begorra. And what street did you live on in Dublin?
> The other guy says, 'A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary
> Street
> in the old central part of town.'
> The first guy says, 'Faith and it's a small world. So did I! So did I!
> And to what school would you have been going'?
> The other guy answers, 'Well now, I went to St.
> Mary's, of course.'
> T he first guy gets really excited and says, 'And so did I. Tell me,
> what
> year did you graduate'?
> The other guy answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'
> The first guy exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I
> can
> hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can
> you
> believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self!'
> About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down and orders a beer.
> Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters,
> 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'
> Vicky asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian'?
> 'The Murphy twins are drunk again.'
>

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients
to operate on. The first surgeon, from New York, says, "I like to see
accountants on my operating table because when you open them up,
everything inside is numbered."

The second, from Chicago, responds, "Yeah, but you should try
electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, "No, I really think librarians are
the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order"

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: "You know, I like
construction workers... Those guys always understand when you have a few
parts left over."

But the fifth surg eon, from Washington, DC shut them all up when he
observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There are no guts; no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the
head and the ass are interchangeable.

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.

'OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I hav e no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh*t?

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.



"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.



"Who was that?" asked his wife.



"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.



"Did you help him?" she asks.



"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"



"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"



The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.



He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"



"Yes," comes back the answer.



"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.



"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.



"Where are you?" asks the husband.



"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.

Disaronno, some of the posters here are just that, posters and imposters, i agree i would love to see some of the commie lovers and peaceniks in allah land, they didnt care for the russians either. if these people care so little as their posts proclaim i for one sure wish they would leave america, they only see want they want to so they can inflame the public with their outragious garbage,
AMERICA LOVE IT OR LEAVE IT..........
please leave!!!!!

sorry i forgot that afghanistan is the NEW hip vacation place for kids, it narrowly beat out Panama Beach, florida for spring break. or maybe he is an exchange student??? i wonder what he was exchanging?? I wont reply to such stupidity about a 15 year old traveling to that country. the vacation spot of mecca, even during war. if you 2 lean any further you will fall over, hopefully some one has a shovel.

mirror, i am still waiting to hear why a 15 year old from canada was in afghanistan, nice dodge though. can you say terrorist?? or is our goverment ALWAYS wrong??

damn the U.S. goverment, i'll bet they stole that poor Canadian boy from Canada and air dropped him in Afghanistan just to set him up so they could torture him.
Why else would a 15 year old muslim from canada be in Afganistan. i am sure it was purely for humanatarian reasons, maybe like delivering satchel charges for the U.S gov. and he was mistaken for an al queda terrorist.
If i had caught him killing a G.I. rape would be the least of his worrys.

Dear Tide:

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.

What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.

Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.

The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony, beaming at thousands of people in the forecourt below. The Queen says to the Pope out of the corner of her mouth, "I bet you a tenner that I can make every English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand."

The Pope says "No way. You can't do that."

The Queen says, "Watch this".

So the Queen waves her hand and every English person in the crowd goes crazy, waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and cheering, basically going ballistic.

So the Pope is standing there going, "Uh oh, what am I going to do? I never thought she'd be able to do it."

So he thinks to himself for a minute and then he turns to her and says, "I bet you I can make every IRISH person in the crowd go wild, not just now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head."

The Queen goes "No way, it can't be done."

So the Pope headbutts her.

At a clearance sale, the wife of a federal district court judge found a green tie that was a perfect match for one of her husband's sports jackets. It had a bit of a shamrock-motif, so it was particularly attractive to her husband, who loved St. Patrick's Day most of all the holidays...

Soon after the purchase, while the couple was vacationing at a resort complex to get his mind off a rather complicated cocaine conspiracy case, he noticed a small, round disc sewn into the design of the tie.

The judge showed it to a local FBI agent, who was equally suspicious that it might be a 'bug' planted by the conspiracy defendants. The agent sent the device to FBI headquarters in Washington, DC for analysis.

Two weeks later, the judge phoned the Washington office to learn the results of their tests. "We're not sure where the disc came from," the FBI told him, "but we discovered that when you press it, it plays 'The Lucky Leprechaun Dance'

An Irish humor column editor was walking along the beach one day, when he saw a bottle lying in the sand.

He picked it up, started to brush it off, and out popped a genie.

The genie said, "Since you have freed me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes."

The Irish editor thought for a moment and said, "I'm feeling a might thirsty, I think I'll be wishing for a pint of stout."

POOF! There was a pint of stout in his hand.

He drank it down, and started to throw the bottle, when the genie said, "If I were you, I'd look at that bottle again before throwing it away."

So he looked at the bottle, and it was magicaly filling back up with stout.

The genie told him, "That is a magic bottle, and it will always fill back up after you finish it."

The genie then asked, "What other two wishes can I grant for you?"

The editor looked at the bottle in his hand and said, "I'll be taking two more of these

Sex in a boat - oar-gasms.
Sex with a prostitute - whore-gasms.
Sex with a nerd - dork-gasms.
Sex at the entrance to your house - door-gasms.
Sex on carpet or linoleum - floor-gasms.
Sex at the supermarket - store-gasms.
Sex at a Steven King Movie - horror-gasms.
Sex with an accountant - bore-gasms.
Sex while sleeping - snore-gasms.
Sex with 'Arthur' - Dudley Moore-gasms.
Sex with cartoon donkeys - Eyeore-gasms.
Sex while broke - poor-gasms.
Sex with a lion - roar-gasms.
Sex for hours and hours on end - sore-gasms.
Sex on a golf course - fore-gasms.
Sex with a nymphomaniac - more-gasms.
Sex in a gold mine - ore-gasms.
Sex with a dermatologist - pore-gasms.
Sex with a politician - Al Gore-gasms.
Sex with Chocolate, marshmallows, and graham crackers - s'more-gasms.
Sex with a bullfighter - toreador-gasms.
Sex with a masked man carrying a sword - zorro-gasms.
Sex at an all-you-can-eat buffet - smorgasbord-gasms.
Sex on a cruise ship deck - shuffleboard-gasms.
Sex in Asia - Singapore-gasms.
Sex among the wonders of nature - outdoor-gasms.
Sex in the vicinity of a garbage can - odor-gasms.
Sex on the way to the train - 'All Aboard'-gasms.
Sex that wasn't very satisfying - 'There's the door'-gasms.
Sex in an adult theater - hard-core-gasms.
Sex with someone who's not paying attention - ignore-gasms.
Sex with a competitive partner - score-gasms.
Sex while flying - soar-gasms.
Sex with a beloved partner - adore-gasms.
Sex with a meat-eater - carnivore-gasms.
Sex with a person who's got a really bad hairdo - pompadour-gasms.
Sex with someone who's got bad taste in clothes - velour-gasms.
Sex while traveling - tour-gasms.
Sex with a big dog - Labrador-gasms.
Sex with Beavis and Butthead - 'GonnaScore'-gasms.
Sex on stairs at the mall - escalator-gasms.
Sex with three of your friends - four-gasms.
Sex with a Norse God - Thor-gasms.
Sex when resistance is futile - Borg-gasms.

10. Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be!

9. Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?

8. I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed rock!

7. I may not be the best-looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you with $4,600 in his pocket!

6. Yo Baby, you be my Dairy Queen, I'll be your Burger King, you treat me right, and I'll do it your way!

5. Excuse me, do you have your phone number, I seem to have lost mine.

4. You might not be the best-looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away!

3. I'm new in town, could I have directions to your room at the Mayflower Hotel?

2. If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be called McT&A! Huch do you charge for a Value Meal?

1. I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this high-priced hotel room!

Bill was 26 over par by the eighth hole; he had landed a fleet of golf balls in the water hazard, and dug himself into a trench fighting his way out of the rough.

When his caddy coughed during a 12-inch putt, Bill exploded.

"You've got to be the worst caddy in the world!" he screamed.

"I doubt it," replied the caddy. "That would be too much of a coincidence."

During a wild party at a Long Island country house, Roxanne had too much to drink and strolled outside for some air.

Getting to a grassy field, she lay down to watch the stars.

Roxanne was almost asleep when a cow, searching for clover, carefully stepped over her.

Groggily, she raised her head and said, "One at a time boys, one at a time."

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that
they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married,
so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.
Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, 'Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are
In love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.'

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, 'Well
Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?'

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, 'In
Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.'

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin,
'Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job.
You'll need to support Jenny.'

Again, Bruce instantly replies, 'Our allowance. Jenny makes 5 bucks a
week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month and
that should do us just fine.'

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Bruce has put so much
thought into this. He thinks for a moment trying to come up with
something that Bruce won't have an answer to.

After a second, Mr. Smith says, 'Well Bruce, it seems like you have
got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you.
What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?'


Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says,
'Well, we've been lucky so far.'

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little sh*t is adorable

Most of the sites fake a lot of mail, they will send you fake matches just to get your money, and a lot of money later you figure out you have been scammed.

>>An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.
>>Father, he confessed, 'It has been one month since my last confession. I
>>had sex with Nookie Green twice last month.'
>>The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail
>>Mary's.'
>>Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it
>>has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Nookie
>>Green twice a week for the past two months.'
>>This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Nookie Green?'
>>'A new woman in the neighbourhood,' the sinner replied.
>>'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary�s.
>>
>>At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a
>>tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary
>>The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed
>>up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was
>>green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.
>>The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and
>>matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but enough.
>>The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Nookie Green?'
>>
>>The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly
>>reply, ' No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes.'
>>

The Audacity of Pastor Hope

After the church service a little girl told the pastor, "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money."

"Well, thank you," replied Pastor Jeremiah Hope. "But why?"

"Because," the girl responded, "my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we have ever had."