Officer Tim said to Officer Jasper, "Guess who I pulled over in a traffic stop the other day?"

"Who?" snapped Jasper.

"Janet Jackson!" retorted Tim.

"Was she speeding?" asked Jasper.

"Nah," said Timmy, "It was just like at the Superbowl -- she had one headlight out!"

remember, if you cant say something nice, just shut the hell up, even in email

A teacher asks her class if anyone can use the word fascinate in a sentence.

Brian raises his hand and says, "The sky is fascinating."

The teacher says, "No, that's fascinating."

Jennifer raises her hand and says, "When I saw the tigers at the zoo I was fascinated."

The teacher says, "No, that's fascinated."

So finally Little Johnny raises his hand and says, "My mom bought a new blouse with 12 pearl buttons, but her boobs are so big she could only fasten eight!"

"Now, what are you planning to do about that excess weight you're carrying around?" the doctor asked the patient.

"I just can't seem to lose the weight," the patient said. "Must be an overactive thyroid."

"The tests show your thyroid is perfectly normal," the doctor said. "If anything is overactive, it's your fork!"

While making love to his wife, Rajeeb discovered he couldn't concentrate (Though they were only married a few years, he reflected unhappily, their lovemaking had become infrequent and essentially joyless.)...

Then, suddenly alarmed, he cried, "What happened? Did I hurt you?"

"No," said his surprised wife. "Why do you ask?"

"No reason, really," he replied with a sigh. "It was just for one moment there I thought you moved."

At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word "service.""It's the act of doing things for other people."

Then I heard these terms which reference the word SERVICE:

Internal Revenue Service
Postal Service
Telephone Service
Civil Service
City & County Public Service
Customer Service
Service Stations

Then I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I thought "service" meant.
So today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to "service" a few of his cows

BAM!

It all came into perspective. Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us.
I hope you now are as enlightened as I am.

A lady walks into Tiffany's. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.


Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in
the form of a salesman standing right behind her.



Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?'

Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little
'accident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'

He answers, 'Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to sh*t when I tell you the price.

My father-in-law had prostate surgery. We brought him to the hospital at 7:30 a.m.,
and he was operated on at eight. We were amazed when the hospital called at noon to tell us he could go home.
Two months later our beagle, Bo, also had prostate surgery. When I brought him in, I asked the veterinarian what time I should pick him up. The vet told me Bo would remain overnight. 'Overnight?' I said. 'My father-in-law came home the same day.'







The vet looked at me and said 'Bo's not on Medicare

Boudreaux was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

Doc: 'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.

When Boudreaux returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 lbs!

Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'

Boudreaux nodded..'I'll tell you though, by God, I thought I wuz gonna drop dead on dat 3rd day.

'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.

Boudreaux: Hell no, it wuz from from all dat dam skippin'

While on vacation a married couple walked into a shoe store. The Salesman said to them, 'I have some very special Jamaican sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex.'
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was.
The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you into a sex freak?'
The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.' So, the husband, after Some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on.
As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.
The Jamaican then began screaming, 'You got dem on the wrong feet! You Got dem on the wrong feet!'

1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.

anything for you cutie!!

There's the sad story of the poor guy who was in a terrible motorcycle accident...

When he came out from under the anaesthetic, the doctor was leaning over him anxiously.

"Son," he said, "I've got some good news and some bad news."

"Tell me the bad news first," replied the guy.

"The bad news is that your were in a very serious accident, and I'm afraid we had to amputate both your feet just above the ankle."

"Jesus," gasped the patient. "What's the good news?"

"Well," explained the doctor, "the fellow in the next bed over will give you a good price for your boots."

Dear

a) Mom,
b) Dad,
c) Love of my life,
d) Assistant Principal,
e) Local Police Chief,

Words cannot begin to express how sorry I am that your

a) Car
b) House
c) Pet
d) Mother-in-law
e) Left arm

was severely damaged by my

a) infantile
b) puerile
c) inept
d) comically brilliant but nonetheless sadistic
e) woefully under appreciated

prank.

How could I have known that the

a) car
b) jet ski
c) large helium balloon
d) Patriot missile
e) Zamboni

I was riding in would go so far out of control? And while it is true that I should not have pointed it in the direction of your

a) house
b) wife
c) Cub Scout pack
d) 1/16th sized replica of the Statue of Liberty, complete
with lightbulb in the torch
e) priceless collection of Rolling Rock beer cans

You must understand that it was all meant in fun. The subsequent carnage that I caused is beyond my ability to

a) imagine
b) fathom
c) comprehend
d) appreciate
e) pay for

and I must therefore humbly ask your forgiveness. I know that you are perfectly within your rights to

a) hate me
b) sue me
c) spank me
d) take my firstborn
e) gouge out my eyes with spoons and feed them to the
fish in your koi pond

but I ask you to remember all the good times we've had, joshing around at

a) school
b) work
c) church
d) the bowling alley
e) the municipal jail

and to remember that I am first and foremost your

a) friend
b) child
c) sibling
d) lease co-signer
e) only possible match should you ever need a bone marrow transplant.

I think that counts for more than one prank, especially one that

a) was so stupid
b) was so silly
c) would have been funny if it worked
d) you would have done, if you had thought of it first
e) I'm going to use again on someone else.

Sincerely,

(your name here)
----------------

A friend has 4 extra tickets for the Robbie Knievel (son of Evil Knievel) event at the Stadium this weekend if anybody wants them.

He's going to try to jump 500 politicians with a bulldozer.

Should be a good time!

jim, you are right on, but in all fairness it happens both ways. i just think we see more of it from our side. i really do enjoy reading the profiles of women who live in their fantasy land, it lifts me up when i am a little down. your post is like a breath of fresh air. maybe a few will wake up??

1. Well thought out planning works until the implementation of that plan.

2 The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt or a leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn, so if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

9. If at first you don't succeed...... skydiving is not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

12. Some days you're the bug, some days you're the windshield.

13. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

14. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put back in your pocket.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

17. There are two theories to arguing with a women - Neither one works.

18. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

19. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, "'Where
in the hell have you been?"

Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."

"A tattoo?" she frowned, "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my penis," he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head
in disdain. "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred
dollar bill tattooed on his penis?"

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while
I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my
hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay
right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

Larry is recovering in room 232 at Johns Hopkins Hospital

> A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other in an airplane.
>
> After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"
>
> The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws."
> The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"
>
> To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation
> and tasted a ham sandwich."
>
> The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
>
> A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a
> requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
>
> The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."
>
> The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"
>
> The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my
> faith."
>
> The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five
> minutes.
>
> Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats the hell out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?
>

Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument, go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.
His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning."
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.
The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."
Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."
Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."
They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.
"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I woke up, slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning for either sex or golf."
and she said "You'd better take a sweater."