Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and Mask over their eyes.

After a few days they meet again.....

The engaged girlfriend said: 'The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4" stilettos and mask. He said, 'You are the woman of my life, I love you'...then we made love all night long.'

The mistress stated: 'Oh Yes! The other night we met in his office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word. We just had wild sex all night.'

The married one then said: 'The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mother's for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband came in from work, fell in his mangy Lazyboy, grabbed the TV controller and a beer, and said, 'Hey Batman, what's for dinner?'

1. If you're choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water

down your throat.

Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.

2. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by

getting someone else to hold while you chop.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and

bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock,

will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep

after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives,

then you'll be afraid to cough.

7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape.

If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40.

If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Daily Thought: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES. NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS

P.S. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

a fast growing vine

~ More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.

~ You think the stock market has a fence around it.

~ You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.

~ You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu.

~ Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

~ Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.

~ You've ever used lard in bed.

~ Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.

~ You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

~ You've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame

It was during the gold rush in the Yukon Territory. Harry Alexander packed a bag, grabbed his Bible, and started out of the tent he shared with Gary Thorndike. Gary asked, "Where are you going?"

"I'm heading into Fort Dawson. I hear it's the wildest town anybody's ever seen. There's booze you could take a bath in, gambling, and women who'll drive you crazy with their favours."

"Why are you taking your Bible?"

"Well, if it's as good as they say, I'm planning to stay over Sunday!"

A young man visiting a dude ranch wanted to be "Macho," and went out walking with one of the hired hands. Walking through the barnyard, the visitor tried starting a conversation:

"Say, look at that big bunch of cows."

The hired hand replied, "Not 'bunch,' but 'herd.'"

"Heard what?"

"Herd of cows."

"Sure, I've heard of cows. There's a big bunch of 'em right over there."

A woman goes to the doctor. After examining the woman thoroughly, the doctor is perplexed.

"I'm not sure what it is," he said.

"You either have a bad cold or you're pregnant."

"Oh," says the woman, "I must be pregnant-- I don't know anyone who could have given me a cold."





A woman goes to the doctor. After examining the woman thoroughly, the doctor is perplexed.

"I'm not sure what it is," he said.

"You either have a bad cold or you're pregnant."

"Oh," says the woman, "I must be pregnant-- I don't know anyone who could have given me a cold."

One day Vito The Gat goes to his 14-year-old son, Alto, and says, "Today is the day that you get your first pistola!"

Alto replies, "But I don't want a gun. I want a golden watch!"

Vito looks strangely at his son and says, "Wadda you want wit a watch?" Before the son can answer, Vito adds, "Picture this, you come home from a job and you find your wife in bed wit your best friend, Mario. What say you then?"

"Time's up, Mario!" fires back Alto.

put it in savings so when gas hits 4 dollars a gallon i can afford a tank or 2 of gas to drive to work!!!

On my 65th birthday I got a gift certificate from brother-in-law and his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a shaman living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction (AKA E.D.).

After being persuaded, I drove to the reservation, handed my ticket to the shaman, and wondered what I was in for.

The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to me, and with a grip on my shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3.' When you do that, you will be longer and harder than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."

I was encouraged. As he walked away, I turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' the shaman responded. "But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

I was eager to see if it worked. I went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited my wife to join me in the bedroom. When she came in, I took off my clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, I was the manliest of men.

Cara was excited and began throwing off her clothes. Then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition!

Farmer Brown had been screwing one of his pigs for 5 years, when all of a sudden he was hit by pangs of guilty conscience.

It bothered him so much that he decided that he just had to tell his priest about it in confession.

The priest was shocked and could only say to Farmer Brown, "Well, was the pig a male or a female?"

"A female, of course!" shouted Farmer Brown. "What do you think, I'm some sort of queer?"

Department of Water representative stopped at a ranch and talked
> with an old rancher.
>
>
> He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch
> for your water allocation."
> The old rancher said, "Okay, but don't go in that field over
> there."
> The Water representative said, "Mister, I have the authority of the
> Federal Government with me. See this card? The card means I am
> allowed
> to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions
> asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"
>
>
> The old rancher nodded politely and went about his chores.
> Later, the
> old rancher heard loud screams and saw the Water Rep running for the
> fence and close behind was *the rancher's bull*. The bu ll was
> gaining on the Water Rep with every step.
> The Rep was clearly terrified, so the old rancher immediately threw
> down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted out.....
> "Your card! Your card! Show him your card!"
>

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You know I keep hearing and reading regarding the Mel Gibson story that they know that Mel meant what he said because alcohol is a truth serum.

I keep hearing this over and over. Alcohol is a truth serum... Really?

Since when?

Just ask any woman, when was the last time you met a guy in a bar drinking heavily and he told you the truth?

The radio show was Queensland FM (QFM) and the host was Jim.

The phone-in competition was to give an English word that's not in the Oxford Dictionary and put the word in a sentence. The first prize was a fortnight for two in Los Angeles.

The show went as follows (don't forget the Aussie accent):

Jim: "Hi, this is Jim. What's your name and what's your word?"

Caller: "This is Bob from the bush and my word is gaan, spelt g. a. a. n."

Jim: "Thanks Bob, my assistants are just checking and they are telling me that the word does not appear in the oxford Dictionary, so for two weeks in Los Angeles, please put your word into a sentence."

Bob from the bush: "Gaan f*** yourself!"

Jim immediately breaks the call and puts out the following message: "Ladies and gents, this is a family show and we would appreciate that any future contestants refrain from using such language."

Forty-five minutes and many unsuccessful contestants later...

Jim: "Hi, this is Jim at QFM. What's your name and what's your word."

Caller: "This is Steve from Caloundra and my word is smee, spelt s. m. e. e."

Jim: "Thanks Steve, we're just checking... and... yes, smee does not appear in the Oxford Dictionary. Now for two weeks in Los Angeles, please put your word into a sentence."

Steve: "Smee again, gaan f*** yourself!"

The traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a trim before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.

"I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall is a vending machine that should serve your purposes."

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the appropriate machine, inserted fifty cents, and stuck his head in the opening. Moments later, he pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign which read, "Manicures - 25 cents."

"Why not?" thought the salesman. He inserted twenty-five cents, and stuck his hands into the slot. Moments later, he pulled them out and they were perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a huge sign which read, "This Machine Provides What Men Need Most When Away from Their Wives - 50 cents."

The salesman looked both ways, put in fifty cents, then unzipped his fly and inserted his penis into the opening. The machine started buzzing, and the guy let out a shriek of agony. Moments later, the machine shut off and, with trembling hands, the salesman withdrew his penis to find a button sewn to the tip.

There was this couple that got married recently, and they both were happy about the whole thing!

He was happy about the hole....

....and she was happy about the thing!

As you know, the government takes 40 percent of what you make.

The other 60 percent, of course, is taken by the gas stations.

~ The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

~ The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.

~ The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country, and who are very good at crosswords.

~ USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand the Washington Post. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.

~ The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could spare the time, and if they didn't have to leave L.A. to do it.

~ The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and did a far superior job of it, thank you very much.

~ The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country, and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.

~ The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country, as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.

~ The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country .... or that anyone is running it; but whoever it is, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority feminist atheist dwarfs, who also happen to be illegal aliens from ANY country or galaxy as long as they are Democrats.

~ The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores.

~ The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.