"I'm worried that I'm losing my wife's love," the husband told the counselor.

"Has she started to neglect you?"

"Not at all," the dejected man replied. "She meets me at the door with a cold drink and a warm kiss. My shirts are
always ironed, she's a great cook, the house is always neat, she keeps the kids out of my hair. She lets me choose the television shows we watch and she never objects to sex or says she has a headache."

"So what's the problem?"

"Maybe I'm just being too sensitive," the husband ventured, "but at night, when she thinks I'm sleeping, she puts her lips close to my ear and whispers, 'Die! You son of a *****, die!'"


"I'm worried that I'm losing my wife's love," the husband told the counselor.

"Has she started to neglect you?"

"Not at all," the dejected man replied. "She meets me at the door with a cold drink and a warm kiss. My shirts are
always ironed, she's a great cook, the house is always neat, she keeps the kids out of my hair. She lets me choose the television shows we watch and she never objects to sex or says she has a headache."

"So what's the problem?"

"Maybe I'm just being too sensitive," the husband ventured, "but at night, when she thinks I'm sleeping, she puts her lips close to my ear and whispers, 'Die! You son of a b*tch, die!'"

Here's some translationes of what the heck they mean in the Lone Star State...

~ Tighter than bark on a tree = Stingy

~ The engine's runnin' but ain't nobody driving = Not too smart

~ As welcome as a skunk at a lawn party = An unwelcome person

~ Big hat, no cattle = All talk, no action

~ We've howdied but we ain't shook yet = We've met, but haven't been formally introduced

~ He thinks the sun come up just to hear him crow = He thinks his sh*t doesn't stink

~ She's got tongue enough for ten rows of teeth = She's a talker

~ It's so dry the trees are bribin' the dogs = We need rain

~ Just because a chicken has wings doesn't mean it can fly = Appearances can be deceiving

~ This ain't my first rodeo = I've been around the block

~ She looks like the dog's been keepin' her under the porch = U-G-L-Y

~ They ate supper before they said grace = They're living in sin

~ Time to paint your butt white and run with the antelope = Stop arguing and do as you're told

~ As full of wind as a corn-eating horse = A braggart

~ You can put your boots in the oven, but that don't make them biscuits = You can say whatever you want, but that doesn't change a thing

~ You were meant for me... perhaps as a punishment.

~ I know how to push all my wife's buttons... now if I could only find the one marked 'OFF'!

~ Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: what the hell was I thinking?

~ As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me.

~ I must admit, you brought religion into my life... I never believed in hell until I met you!

~ When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise!

~ I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys!

~ I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here!

A man returns to the U.S. from Africa feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital, to undergo a barrage of extensive tests.

The man wakes up after the tests and finds himself in a private room at the hospital. The phone by his bed rings. "This is your doctor. We've had the results back from your tests and we've found you have an extremely contagious virus."

"Oh my gosh," cries the man. He's in a panic now. "What are you going to do, doctor?"

"Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread."

"Will that cure me?" asked the man hopefully.

The doctor replied, "Not a chance! It's the only food we can get under the door."

love 30 yr old collage students!!!!

i want to follow up on this later, a lot

A man went to the doctor to get a double dose of Viagra but his request was denied.

"Why can't I have a double dose?" the man asked. "It's not safe," the doctor replied.

"But I need it really bad," the man explained. "My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday, one of my exes will be here on Saturday, and my wife is coming home on Sunday." "Okay, I'll give it to you," the doctor relented.

"But you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check to see if there are any side effects."

On Monday the man dragged himself into the doctor's office with his right arm in a sling.

The doctor asked, "What happened to you?" The man said, "No one showed up."

DEMOCRATIC
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.

REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.

IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.

POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.

FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegals.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.

How To Shower Like a Woman:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg- lifts, etc.

Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with real passion fruit.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mold spots with Tilex.

Get out of shower and stand on bath mat.

Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How To Shower Like a Man:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo-woo' sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.

Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Pee.

Rinse off and get out of shower. Avoid bath mat.

Dry off forearms and butt only.

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.

Admire wiener size in mirror again. Shake it to watch water fly off.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo' sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.

If there is anyone among you who did not laugh at the truth behind this, there is something so very wrong with you.

Have a great day! And, "woo woo"!!!

Where the hell is Ross Perot when you need him the most!!!!!

I Would be if i could find someone nearby AND interesting

Mujibar was trying to get into the USA legally through
Immigration.

The Officer said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests,
except there is one more test. Unless you pass it, you
cannot enter the United States of America "

Mujibar said, "I am ready."

The officer said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow,
Pink and Green
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister
Officer, I am ready."

The Officer said, "Go ahead."

Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and
I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"

Mujibar now lives in a neighborhood near you and works at a
Verizon help desk. I talked to him yesterday

Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 511 -- You are cleared to land
Eastbound on runway 9R

Saudi Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on
Infidel's' runway 9R - Allah be Praised."

Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Iran Air 711 --You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."

Iran Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's
Runway 9R. - Allah is Great."

Pause...

Saudi Air: " ATLANTA ATC - ATLANTA ATC"

Atlanta ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 511."

Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFTS FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE. INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE."

Atlanta ATC: "Well bless your hearts. And praise Jesus. Y'all be
Careful now and tell Allah "hey" for us -- "

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.
The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'
'Yes, Father, it is.'
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation'
Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now.
Was it Tina Minetti?'
'I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My lips are sealed.'
'Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, Joey Pagano, and
I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an
altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and
whispers,

'What'd you get?'
4 months vacation and five good leads.

Stascz and Janos went for a walk in the countryside. After a while, Stascz had to answer a call of nature. Spying an outhouse, he excused himself.

Janos waited for Stascz...and waited, and waited. Finally, he looked inside and saw Stascz stirring around in the outhouse muck with a long stick.

"Stascz, what the hell are you doing, stirring in the ****?" he yells.

"I dropped my jacket down the hole," he complains.

"It's the one my momma gave me,"

Janos shakes his head.

"You're crazy--you not gonna wear that thing now, are you?"

"Hell no," Stascz assures him, "but there's a baloney sandwich in one of the pockets!"

A gent was out walking his dog when a woman stopped to admire the animal.

"What's your dog's name?" she asked.

"Herpes," replied the dog's owner.

"How....odd," said the woman. "Why Herpes?"

"Because he won't heel!" barked the gent

One day, JANE met TARZAN in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he engaged in sex.



"What's that?" he asked.



She explained to him what sex was and he said, "Oh, I use a hole in the
trunk of a tree."



Horrified, she said," Tarzan, you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground and spread her legs. "Here," she said, "you must put it in here."



Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?"



"Just checking for bees," said Tarzan

SNOW WHITE saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up behind him, knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face crying, "Lie to me! Lie to me!"

MICKEY MOUSE and MINNIE MOUSE were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy."



Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she's f**king Goofy."

PINOCCHIO had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help. Geppetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.



A couple weeks later, Geppetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"



Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"