Little Johnny was in his math class one day when the teacher singled him out...

"Johnny, if I gave you $200," the teacher began, "and you gave $50 to Mary, $50 to Sally and $50 to Susan, what would you have?"

"An orgy!" answered Johnny.

It was three o'clock in the morning, and the receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing off. Suddenly, a little old lady came running towards her, screaming -- "Please come quickly!" she yelled, "I just saw a naked man outside my window!"

The receptionist immediately rushed up to the old lady's room.

"Where is he?" asked the receptionist.

"He's over there," replied the little old lady, pointing to an apartment building opposite the hotel.

The receptionist looked over and could see a man with no shirt on, moving around his apartment.

"It's probably a man who's getting ready to go to bed," she said reassuringly. "And how do you know he's completely naked, you can only see him from the waist up?"

"The dresser, honey!" screamed the old lady. "Try standing on the dresser

>
> One day, Jimmy Joe was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy
> Bubba driving a brand new pickup.
>
> Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.
>
>
> "Bubba, where'd you get that truck?!?"
>
>
> "Bobby Sue gave it to me" Bubba replied.
>
>
> "She gave it to you?
>
>
> I knew she was kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?"
>
>
> "Well, Jimmy Joe, let me tell you what happened.
>
> We were driving out on County Road 6,in the middle of nowhere. Bobby Sue
> pulled off the road, put the truck in4-wheel drive, and headed into the
> woods.
> She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her
> clothes and said,
>
>
>
> 'Bubba, take whatever you want'.
>
>
>
> So I took the truck!"
>
>
>
> "Bubba, you're a smart man!
>
> Them clothes wouldanever fit you!"
>

Two old men are approaching each other on a sidewalk...

Both are dragging their right foot as they walk...

As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points at his foot and says, "Korea, 1951."

The other hooks his thumb behind him and says, "Dog poop, 20 feet back."

A mom of an 8-year-old boy was awaiting her son's arrival from school. As he ran in, he said he needed to talk to her about making babies. He claimed he knew about the development of a fetus but didn't understand the answer to that "million dollar question". Namely, how did the sperm get into the woman?

The mom asked the boy what he thought the answer was. The boy said that the sperm is manufactured in the man's stomach, it rises up to his chest, then throat, and into his mouth whereupon he kisses the woman and deposits the sperm into her mouth.

The mom told her boy that that was a good guess, but wrong. She said that she would give him a hint...that the sperm came out of the man's penis.

Suddenly, the boy's face became quite red and he said, "YOU MEAN YOU PUT YOUR MOUTH ON THAT THING!!??"

Insider's Guide to Dating
(What men say...and what they really mean!)

"Haven't I seen you before?"

- "Nice azz."

---------------

"I'm a Romantic."

- "I'm poor."

---------------

"I need you."

- "My hand is tired."

---------------

"I am different from all the other guys."

- "I am not circumcised."

---------------

"I want a commitment."

- "I'm sick of masturbation."

---------------

"You're the only girl I've ever cared about."

- "You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me."

---------------

"I have something to tell you."

- "Get tested."
---------------
I really want to get to know you better."

- "So I can tell my friends all about our most intimate moments!"

---------------

"It's just orange juice, try it."

- "3 more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head."

---------------

"She's kinda cute."

- "I wouldn't kick her out of bed...but a pillow over the head might be necessary."

---------------

"I don't know if I like her."

- "She won't sleep with me."

---------------

"I miss you so much."

- "I am so horny that my male roommate is starting to look good."

---------------

"Was it good for you?"

- "I'm insecure about my manhood."

---------------

"How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?"

- "Is my penis really that small?"

---------------

"I had a wonderful time last night."

- "Who the hell are you?"

---------------

"Do you love me?"

- "I've done something stupid and you might find out."

---------------

"Do you 'really' love me?"

- "I've done something stupid and you're going to find out sooner or later."

---------------

"How much do you love me?"

- "I've done something really stupid and someone's on their way to tell you by now."

---------------

"I'll give you a call."

- "I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again."

---------------

"I've been thinking a lot."

- "You're not as attractive as when I was drunk."

---------------

"I think we should just be friends."

- "You're ugly."

---------------

"I've learned a lot from you."

- "Next!!!!"

---------------

"I'm on a long distance call, can you call me later?"

- "I gotta turn on my answering machine."

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp:

"Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"

The shopkeeper gets down on his knees (so that he's on her level), and asks:

"Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy black wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle brown wabby over there?"

The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice:

"I don't fink my pyfon weally gives a thit."

it is ok to cuss in general, but not ok to cuss at people, if it is your normal lifestyle to cuss

A woman goes to her doctor, complaining that her husband is 300% impotent.

The doctor says, "I'm not sure I understand what you mean."

She say, "Well, the first 100% you can imagine. In addition, he burned his tongue and broke his finger!"

As an ultimate test of his will power, a man decided to give up sex for Lent.

Although not thrilled with the idea, his wife agreed to support him in this effort.

The first few weeks weren't too difficult.

Things got tougher during the next couple of weeks, so the wife wore her dowdiest night clothes and chewed on garlic before going to bed.

The last couple of weeks were extremely tough on the husband, so the wife took to locking the bedroom door and forcing the husband to sleep on the couch.

Easter morning finally came. A knock came on the wife's bedroom door.

KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!!

"Guess who?" said the husband.

"I know who it is!" answered the wife.

"Guess what I want?" said the husband.

"I know what you want!" answered the wife.

"Guess what I'm knockin' with?" asked the husband.

i agree, but there not so get over it, and maybe some of you could try to belive what these people are writing, instead of blowing smoke.

damn what do the troop see that most here do not.
i do not want them there, i would rather them be home but they are making for a better world. my son is on a minesweeper in the persian gulf, better there than the gulf of mexico, wake up america these folks are defending our soil by keeping terriosts off our soil, they do not always win but no one does

I WONDER HOW MANY WOULD FEEL THE SAME WAY IF: a brother, sister mother, father was killed in the same manner?
but since it was just a crummy G.I. that i don't know, who cares, the U.S. is practicing torture, some people are pathetic, and i am 1 of them, i would have shoved a grenade up his butt and waved bye-bye!!

it will always amaze me that some people will not believe posts from people who are there and see first hand what is going on there. i guess its just more inflamnatory posting just so they can stir up trouble and peave people off. or cnn and fox news is telling the truth and thousands of soldiers aree lieing thru there teeth., my company donates bunches of things for the troops in Iraq and afghanistan, we get tons of thanks you's from the troops telling us how much better both countrys are now compared to a few years ago. are they lieing?? i think not! forest gump is right, " stupid is as stupid does". i am done here.

GOD BLESS OUR TROOPS, AND KEEP THEM SAFE, AT HOME AND AWAY!!!

My wife asked me to buy organic vegetables from the market.

I went and looked around and couldn't find any.

So I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and said, "These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?"

The produce guy looked at me and said, "No, you'll have to do that yourself."

A man who thought he was John the Baptist was disturbing the neighborhood, so for public safety, he was committed.

He was put in a room with another crazy and immediately began his routine, "I am John The Baptist! Jesus Christ has sent me!"

The other guy looks at him and declares, "I did not!"

One day Belinda was walking down the road when she saw a yellow frog crying.

She asked him, "What is wrong?"

He said, "I just want to be green like the other frogs."

So she did some magic and he turned green, but when he looked down, his **** was still yellow.

She said that she couldn't do any more magic for him, then jestured down the road and told he'd have to go see the Wizard.

As she kept walking she saw a pink elephant that was crying.

She asked him, "What is wrong?"

He said, "I want to be gray."

So she did some magic and turned him gray.

When he looked down, his **** was still pink, so she told him to go see the Wizard.

He asked, "How do I get there?"

She said, "Follow the yellow-**** toad. Follow the yellow-**** toad."

A Japanese doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that
we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another,
and have him looking for work in six weeks."


A German doctor said, "That's nothing, we can take a lung out of one
person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in
four weeks."

A British doctor said, "In my country, medicine is so advanced that
we can take half of a heart out of one person, put it in
another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks."

A Texas doctor, not to be outdone said, "You guys
are way behind. We took a man with no brains out of Texas, put him in
the White House and now half the country is looking for work."

it is not always about us

Did you know that 47 countries' have
re-established their embassies in Iraq ?

Did you know that the Iraqi government
currently employs 1.2 million Iraqi people?

Did you know
that 3100 schools have been renovated,
364 schools are under rehabilitation,
263 new schools are now under construction;
and 38 new schools have been completed in Iraq ?

Did you know
that Iraq 's higher educational structure consists
of 20 Universities, 46 Institutes or colleges and 4 research centers, all currently operating?

Did you know
that 25 Iraq students departed for the United States in
January 2005 for the re-established Fulbright program?

Did you know
that the Iraqi Navy is operational?
They have 5 - 100-foot patrol craft,
34 smaller vessels and a naval infantry regiment.

Did you know
that Iraq ' s Air Force consists of three operational squadrons,
Which includes 9 reconnaissance and 3 US C-130 transport aircraft (under Iraqi operational control) which operate day and night, and will soon add 16 UH-1 helicopters and 4 Bell Jet Rangers?

Did you know
that Iraq has a counter-terrorist unit and a Commando Battalion?

Did you know
that the Iraqi Police Service has over 55,000
fully trained and equipped police officers?

Did you know
that there are 5 Police Academies in Iraq
that produce over 3500 new officers every 8 weeks?

Did you know
there are more than 1100 building projects going on in Iraq ?
They include 364 schools, 67 public clinics, 15 hospitals,
83 railroad stations, 22 oil facilities, 93 water facilities
and 69 electrical facilities.

Did you know
that 96% of Iraqi children under the age of 5 have received the first 2 series of polio vaccinations?

Did you know
that 4.3 million Iraqi children were enrolled in primary school by mid October?

Did you know
that there are 1,192,000 cell phone subscribers in Iraq and phone use has gone up 158%?

Did you know
that Iraq has an independent media that consists of 75 radio stations, 180 newspapers and 10 television stations?

Did you know
that the Baghdad Stock Exchange opened in June of 2004?

Did you know
that 2 candidates in the Iraqi presidential election had a
televised debate recently?

OF COURSE WE DIDN'T KNOW!
WHY DIDN'T WE KNOW?
BECAUSE OUR MEDIA WON'T TELL US!

Instead of reflecting our love for our country, we get photos of flag burning incidents at Abu Ghraib and people throwing snowballs at the presidential motorcades.
Tragically, the lack of accentuating the positive in Iraq serves two purposes:
It is intended to undermine the world's perception of the United States thus minimizing consequent support; and it is intended to discourage American citizens.

Above facts are verifiable on the Department of Defense web site.

http://www.defenselink.mil/

Did you know?

But I know now.....