Next time you fly. . . . .



1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just
sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a
hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced,
"People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a
seat and get in it!"

2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant
crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached
cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights.
This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of
your flight attendants."

3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take
all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything,
please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

4. There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are
only 4 ways out of this airplane"

5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope
you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we
enjoyed taking you for a ride."

6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald
Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker:
"Whoa, big fella, WHOA!" *

7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms
in Memphis, flight attendant on a Northwest flight
announced, "Please take care when opening the
overhead compartments because, after a landing like
that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard
Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat
belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight.
It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't
know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be
out in public unsupervised."

9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks
will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the
mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small
child traveling with you, secure your mask before
assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than
one small child, pick your favorite."

10. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some
broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before
we arrive. Thank you and remember, nobody loves
you or your money more than Southwest Airlines."

11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and,
in the event of an emergency water landing, please
paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of
your belongings. Anything left behind will be
distributed evenly among the flight attendants.
Please do not leave children or spouses."

13. And from the pilot during his welcome message:
"Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best
flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately,
none of them are on this flight!"

14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard
landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came
on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump,
and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell
you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's
fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault... it was
the asphalt."

15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into
Amarillo, Texas, on particularly windy and bumpy
day: During the final approach, the Captain was
really having to fight it. After an extremely hard
landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and
Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain
in your seats with your seat belts fastened while
the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to
the gate!"

16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less
than perfect landing: "We ask you to please
remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us
to the terminal."

17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight
had hammered his ship into the runway really
hard. The airline had a policy which required the
first officer to stand at the door while the
passengers exited, smile, and give them a
"Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in
light of his bad landing, he had a hard time
looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that
someone would have a smart comment. Finally
everyone had gotten off except for a little old
lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you
mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?"
The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were
we shot down?"


18 After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the
attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen,
please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash
and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a
screeching halt against the gate. And, once the
tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells
are silenced, we'll open the door and you can
pick your way through the wreckage to the
terminal."

19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement:
"We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us
today. And, the next time you get the insane
urge to go blasting through the skies in a
pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of
US Airways."

20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and
Gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking
section on this airplane is on the wing and if you
can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport.
After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude,
the captain made an announcement over the
intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your
captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number
293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles.
The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we
should have a smooth and uneventful flight.
Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!"
----- Silence followed, and after a few minutes,
the captain came back on the intercom and
said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I
scared you earlier. While I was talking to you,
the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup
of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the
front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach
yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the
back of mine!"