I’d like to add the address for wounded Marines:



National Naval Medical Center
Marine Corps Liaison Center
8901 Rockville Pike Bethesda, MD 20889-5600

When you are making out your Christmas cards this year, please include a
card to:

A Recovering American soldier
c/o Walter Reed Army Medical Center
6900 Georgia Avenue,NW
Washington,D.C. 20307-5001

If you agree, please forward to others on your e-mail list and other
friends. These guys deserve all the holiday cheer and thanks we can give
them!

It was the first day of school, and the elementary school teacher was
establishing the fact that she'd take no nonsense from the kiddies this
year. While taking the roll, she was told by one boy, "My name is Johnny
Fuckhauer."
So she said, "There'll be none of that kind of thing this year, Johnny;
tell me your REAL name!"
The kid said, "No, really teacher, it IS Johnny Fuckhauer. You can go
across the hall to fourth grade and ask my brother if you don't believe
me!"
Not wanting to be subjected to that kind of thing, the teacher went
across the hall and knocked on the fourth grade classroom door. The
fourth grade teacher had stepped down the hall to the front office for a
moment, so she entered the room and directly asked the class, "Do you
have a Fuckhauer in here?"
"Hell no!" replied a little kid from the front row, "We don't even get a
cookie break!"

Two guys were walking along a deserted beach and bored to tears. The
first guy says: "Hey, I have an idea. Let's split up. You walk as far as
you can that way down the beach, and I'll walk as far as I can the other
way down the beach. We'll meet here tomorrow and tell each other what we
did. The other gentleman agreed and each man began walking in opposite
directions down the beach. The next day, they meet and the first guy
says: "So...Tell me about your day!" The second guy smiled and said:
"Oh, I had a great one! I found a small little oasis with a pond and
some cool grass and spent the day swimming and eating coconuts from a
tree! What happened to you? His friend laughed and said: "You're never
going to believe it!! I walked about five miles up the coast and came to
these train tracks. I walked down the tracks about a mile and found this
girl with the most incredible body I've ever seen tied to the rails! I
untied her and carried her to some grass nearby and we spent all day and
night having the most incredible sex I've ever had! This girl was
amazing! We did everything together!" The other guy looked at his friend
in amazement and asked him..."Everything?" "Everything!" he replied.
"Did she suck your dick?" "Well...no...She didn't do that..." the man
said with a sigh..."I couldn't find her head!"

There's a little 13 year old boy walking down the street one day with
some chicken wire in his grasp, an old man on the corner see's this and
is puzzled. He then asks the boy, "What are you gonna do with that
chicken wire?" To which the boy replies, "I'm gonna catch me some
chickens!" When he comes back later, he's holding three chickens in his
hands. The next day, the old man sees the boy with duck tape this time,
this again puzzles the man, and he asks the lad, " What are you going to
do with that duck tape?" To which the boy replies, "I'm going to catch
me some ducks." Later the boy walks by the man, his arms full of ducks.
Then next day, the man see the boy walking down the street with a
flower, the guy asks him, " What kind of flower is that son?" the boy
says " This is pussy willow." This time the old man understands and
replies, "Wait a second, I'll go get my hat!"

A woman walks into a tattoo parlor and asks for a Thanksgiving turkey to
be placed on her upper right thigh. The man giving her the tattoo thinks
it's a little strange, but doesn't think much of it. After all, he has
done stranger before. After it is done, she pays him and walks out the
door. Two weeks later she comes back in the parlor and asks for a tattoo
of a Christmas tree to be placed on her upper left thigh. The guy thinks
this is very weird and asks "Why do you want these tattoo's?" She
replies "It's a very simple answer- my husband is always complaining
about having nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas...now he
does."

A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. The doctor takes
one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window.
Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to
stroke her thigh. As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know
what I'm doing?" "Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or
dermatological abnormalities." "That is correct," says the doctor. He
then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he
asks. "Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps or breast
cancer." "That's right," replies the doctor. He then begins to have
sexual intercourse with the woman. He says to her, "Do you know what I'm
doing now?" "Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes."

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The
little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says,
"Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."
The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too
wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair
spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board.
Then he stuffs the worm back into the hole.
The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray
and runs into the house.
Thirty minutes later, the grandfather comes back out and hands the
little boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you
already gave me five dollars."

The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."

The middle-aged wife had just returned to the house on Saturday
afternoon after a shopping trip. She was quite agitated, and proceeded
to tell her husband about a certain shoe salesman who had been rude.
It seems she was sitting down while he helped her try on various shoes,
and happened to glance up and notice that she was not wearing any
knickers under her dress. Without even thinking, he just blurted out,
"If that thing was full of ice cream, I'd eat every bite."
Well, she was understandably insulted, and now wanted to know what her
husband was going to do about it.
The husband just sat there, watching football on TV, and grunted. The
wife became hysterical, and insisted on knowing why he didn't go down to
the shop and punch the rude salesman right in the nose.
"Well", the husband replied, "There are three reasons why I won't punch
that guy in the nose. First of all, you shouldn't have even been
shopping for shoes, since you have a whole wardrobe full of them.
Secondly, you have no business going shopping with no knickers on. But
most of all, I'm not going to punch anyone who's big enough to eat that
much ice cream!"

In the Old West, a family is crossing the plains in their covered wagon
when they see an Indian with his head against the ground.
The father watches as the Indian remains motionless for quite some time
and finally asks what the Indian is up to...
Indian replies "Buffalo come!"
"How can you tell?"

"Ear stuck to ground!"

A man was feeling very depressed and walked into a bar and ordered a
triple scotch. As the bartender poured him the drink he remarked "That's
quite a heavy drink. What's wrong?"
After quickly downing his drink, the man replied "I got home and found
my wife in bed with my best friend."
"Wow" exclaimed the bartender, as he poured the man a second triple. "No
wonder you needed a stiff drink. The second triple is on the house."
As the man downed his second triple scotch, the bartender asked him
"What did you do?"
"I walked over to my wife" the man replied "looked her straight in the
eye and told her that we were through and to pack her stuff and to get
the hell out."
"That makes sense" said the bartender, "but what about your best
friend?"

The man replied, "I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye and
said 'bad dog!'"

One day during confession the priest had to take a shit. No one was
coming in so the father was going to run to the bathroom. But as soon as
he stepped out of the confession box a woman ran up to him. Father I
must talk with you. The father asked her to wait in the booth. she went
inside and the father called for Ray the janitor and asked him to fill
in confession for a moment. so Ray gets into the booth. and asked the
woman here sins. the woman replied I had sex with a married man. Ray
looks on a piece of paper and looks up adultery. then tells the women to
say ten hail-mary and bless your self in holy water. then a man comes
in. forgive me father I stole money. Ray looks up stealing and tells him
to say five hail-mary and bless your self in holy water. Soon a woman
came in and said forgive me father I gave a man a blowjob. Ray looks up
blowjob and there was nothing, he then looked up oral sex and there was
nothing. Ray looks out the door and see's little billy the alter boy.
Ray called for billy. What does the father give for a blowjob? Little
billy looks at ray and says "usually a snickers bar and a pat on the
back!"

Little Johnny was seven years old, and like other boys his age, rather
curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from other boys
and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his
questions to his mother, and she became flustered. Instead of explaining
things to Johnny she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and
watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did, and the following
morning Johnny described everything to his mother.
"Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for awhile, then he turned off
most of the lights. Then he started to kiss and hug her. I figured sis
must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. He must
have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel
her heart, just like the doctor would. Except he's not as good as the
doctor, because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. He was
getting sick too, because pretty soon, both of them started panting and
getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been getting cold,
because he put it under her skirt.
About this time, sis got toward the end of the couch. This was when the
fever started. I know it was a fever, because sis told him she was
really HOT. Finally, I found out what was making them so sick. . . a big
eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. HONEST! Anyway, he grabbed it
in one hand to keep it from getting away. When sis saw it, she got
really scared. Her eyes got big and her mouth fell open, and she started
calling out to God and stuff like that.
I should tell her about the ones I saw at the lake! Anyway, sis got
brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden,
she made a noise and let the eel go. I guess it bit her back. Then she
grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out
of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting
again. Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock
on it. And he helped by laying on the top of the eel. The eel put of a
hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing, and her boyfriend
almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squishing
it between them.
After a while, they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her
boyfriend sat up and, sure enough, they had killed the eel. I knew it
was dead because it just hung there limp and some of its insides were
hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired form the battle,
but they went on courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her
again. And, by golly, the eel wasn't dead after all. It jumped straight
up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats. . . they have
nine lives or something. this time sis jumped up and tried to kill the
eel by sitting on it.
After about thirty-five minutes of struggle, they finally killed the
eel. I know it was dead this time because I saw sis's boyfriend peel off
the skin and flush it down the toilet." Mother fainted.

This doctor is considering specializing in sex disorders. He calls a
local clinic and asks if he can get a tour of their facility. The Clinic
Administrator tells the doctor that would be fine and to come right on
over. As they're walking through the hospital, the doctor sees this guy
jerking off in the middle of the hallway. He asks the Administrator
what's going on. The Administrator explains that the guy suffers from
Hyper Spermatogenisis, that is, unless he gets off several times a day,
his balls will explode! A few minutes later they turn the corner and see
a guy standing in the hallway getting a blow job from this beautiful
nurse. The doctor inquires as to this guy's condition. The Administrator
explains to the doctor that this man has the same problem as the other
guy, but he has a much better health plan!

One day a horny guy got tired of jacking off all the time so he started
thinking, "Hmm.. I got to have a woman." He looks all over his house for
money, but all he finds is two bucks. So he goes to the local whore
house and says to a lady at a desk, "I need a woman", and the lady
responded with, "How much money do you have?" He threw down the two
dollars and she laughed at him and said, "You can't buy sex with a woman
for two dollars!" The guy felt horrible and almost started to cry, but a
woman at another desk says, "Wait, for two dollars, I will let you fuck
this chicken here!" The guy immediately says, "No way, I ain't fucking
no chicken!" and the runs back home.
When he gets home, all he can think about is that chicken. He started to
want the chicken more than a woman. So the next day he goes back to the
whore house, drops the money on the desk and says, "Give me the
chicken." So the lady gives him the chicken and tells him to go into the
first room down the hall and to be back in an hour. So he goes into the
room with a giant window on one side and starts fucking the chicken. He
fucks the chicken fifteen times and he does it so hard that he almost
kills the chicken.
He brings the nearly dead chicken back to the woman at the desk and
leaves. When he gets home, all he can think about is how great that
chicken was, and how badly he wanted to fuck another chicken, so he
borrows $5 from a friend and goes back to the whore house and says,
"Give me the chicken, I need another chicken", and the lady says, "You
almost killed my other chicken, I won't let you harm another one." So he
pleads, "Can't you give me something like a cat or a goat or something?"
The lady says, "Hmm.. I guess I could let you watch two women finger
each other." The guy stops and thinks about and decides that wouldn't be
to bad and he gives her the money. She tells him to go to the second
door down the hall next to the room he was in yesterday.
He goes to the room and looks at many rows of chairs in front of a giant
window looking into a little room. He takes his chair along with several
other guys. The lights dim and two completely nude girls walk into the
little room and start fingering each other. The guy says to the person
sitting next to him, "Man this is great, huh." And the person responds
with, "Sure is. You should have been here yesterday when a guy fucked a
chicken."

Three Anthropologists are studying an African tribe. Perched carefully
in a tree, they are about to witness tribal rituals never seen before by
civilized nations. Suddenly the branch breaks and they found themselves
surrounded with spears at their throats. A man wearing a necklace skull
and feathers approaches them. Amazingly, he speaks English. "You have
disturbed our sacred rites, for this you must be punished" He looks at
the first man and says, "Death or Bunga Bunga for 10 minutes?" The man,
thinking that Bunga Bunga is certainly better than death, says, "Bunga
Bunga" The Chief throws him across a log and proceeds to fuck him up the
ass for 10 minutes. After he is done, the chief says, "You are free to
go."
The Chief looks at the second man and says, "Death or Bunga Bunga for 1
hour?" The second man considers his family, and says "Bunga Bunga" The
Chief throws him across a log and fucks him up the ass for 1 hour. After
he is done, he says "You are free to go."
The second man quickly leaves Finally, The Chief looks at the third man
and says, "Death or Bunga Bunga for 2 hours" The third man thinks that
he cannot stand anal sex for that long and says "Death" The Chief looks
at with a smile, and says, "Ok, Death...By Bunga Bunga"

OOUUUUUUUUCH ! ! !

Dear Santa,

I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned and cuddled my
children on demand, visited the doctor's office more than my doctor,
sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree
on the school playground.

I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases,
since I had to write this letter with my daughter's red crayon, on the
back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows
when I'll find anymore
free time in the next 18 years.

Here are my Christmas wishes:

I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache (in any color, except purple,
which I already have) and arms that don't hurt or flap in the breeze;
but are strong enough to pull my screaming child out of the candy aisle
in the grocery store.

I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month
of my last pregnancy.

If you're hauling big ticket items this year I'd like fingerprint
resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music; a television
that doesn't broadcast any programs containing talking animals; and a
refrigerator with a
secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the
phone.

On the practical side, I could use a talking doll that says, "Yes,
Mommy" to boost my parental confidence, along with two kids who don't
fight and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the
use of power tools.

I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting "Don't eat in
the living room" and "Take your hands off your brother," because my
voice seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can only
be heard by the dog.

If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for enough
time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the
luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature w ithout it being
served in a Styrofoam container.

If you don't mind, I could also use a few Christmas miracles to
brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare
ketchup a vegetable? It will clear my conscience immensely.

It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around the
house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an
organized crime family.

Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is ringing and my daughter saw my
feet under the laundry room door. I think she wants her crayon back.
Have a safe trip and remember to leave your wet boots by the door and
come in and dry off so you don't catch cold.

Help yourself to cookies on the table but don't eat too many or leave
crumbs on the carpet.

Yours Always, MOM...!

P.S. One more thing...you can cancel all my requests if you can keep my
children young enough to believe in Santa.

This has been verified on Snopes.com (link listed below) and by the FBI
(their link is also included below).

Please pass this on to everyone in your email address book. It is
spreading fast so be prepared should you get this call. Most of us take
those summons for jury duty seriously, but enough people skip out on
their civic duty that a new and ominous kind of scam has surfaced.
Fall for it and your identity could be stolen, reports CBS. In this
con, someone calls pretending to be a court official who threateningly
says a warrant has been issued for your arrest because you didn't show
up for jury duty. The caller claims to be a jury coordinator. If you
protest that you never received a summons for jury duty, the scammer
asks you for your Social Security number and date of birth so he or she
can verify the information and cancel the arrest warrant. Sometimes
they even ask for credit card numbers. Give out any of this
information and bingo! Your identity just got stolen.

The scam has been reported so far in 11 states, including Minnesota,
Oklahoma, Illinois, and Colorado . This (scam) is particularly
insidious because they use intimidation over the phone to try to bully
people into giving information by pretending they're with the court
system. The
FBI and the federal court system have issued nationwide alerts on their
web sites, warning consumers about the fraud.

Check it out here:
http://www.snopescom/crime/fraud/juryduty.asp
http://www.fbigov/pressrel/pressrel05/092805.htm

PLEASE PASS THIS ON. ESPECIALLY TO ANY SENIOR CITIZENS YOU KNOW EVEN IF
THEY DON'T HAVE EMAIL, PRINT & GIVE THEM A COPY.

OOOPS ! ! Forgot to paste the link !

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ui48DANZgn4&mode=related&search=