SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE;
SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE
SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL
SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.

PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL,
YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.
I'D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW,
BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER.

SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE
AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL,
BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS,
HE SAID, 'THERE'S TROUBLE STILL.

YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL,
AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YOU' MOTHER,
BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO'
I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER.

BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD,
JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO' HAPPY.
MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE.
YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY.

Team owner Tom Benson and General Manager Mickey Loomis had put
together the perfect team for the New Orleans Saints.

The only thing missing was a good quarterback. Loomis had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a quarterback to ensure a Super Bowl victory.

One night while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan.

In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghani soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a window from 80 yards away. Then he threw another from 100 yards away and hit a camel.

"I've got to get this guy!" Loomis said to himself "He has the perfect arm!" He brought the young Afghan to the States and taught him the great game of football ...sure enough the Saints went on to win the Super Bowl.

The young Afghan was hailed as a hero of football, and when the coach asked him what he wanted, all the young man wanted to do was call his mother.

"Mom,"he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl.

"I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman says. "You
deserted us and that cause. You are not my son."

"Mother, I don't think you understand," pleads the son, "I've just won the greatest sporting event in the world!"

"No! Let me tell you," his mother retorts, "At this very moment there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!"

The old lady pauses then tearfully says, " I will never forgive you for making us move to New Orleans!"

One night, after a couple had retired for the night, the woman
became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner.

He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back.

Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side,sliding
his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.

He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other.

His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs.

His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and the returned to do the same to her right thigh.

By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself.

The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.

"Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered.

He whispered back, "I found the remote."

1. The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.

2. You let your 12-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

5. Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People."

6. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

7. Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, watch this."

8. You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl'.

9. You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

10. Your Junior/Senior Prom had a daycare.

11. You think the last words to' The Star Spangled Banner' are, "Gentlemen, start your engines".

12. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

13. The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.

14. You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.

15. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

16. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

17. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

18. You can't get married to your sweetheart 'cause there's a law against it.

19. You dated one of your parents' current spouses in high school.

20. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

21. Your school fight song is "Dueling Banjos".

22. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he would pay her a large sum of money, if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.

If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. His wife said, "Honey, you received a very strange post card today."

"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it," he said. The wife handed him the card, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white and collapsed.

On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without! Request bread...

Thank you,

the shadows overwhelm
fought them as long as I could
the more I fought
the darker it got
they show you how you're alone
the more people around
the more alone I feel
invisible as the shadows engulf
no light penetrates
best to accept and live in the dark
tis lifes decision
that this is my part

A guy met this girl in a bar and asked, "May I buy you a drink?"

"Okay," she said, "but it won't do you any good."

A little later, he asks, "May I buy you another drink?"

"Okay," she said again, "but it won't do you any good." He invites her
up to his apartment and she replies, "Okay, but you know it won't do you
any good."

They get to his apartment and he says, "You are the most beautiful thing
I have ever seen. I want you for my wife."

"Oh, well that's different!" she says. "Send her in!"

Select the year you were born....Interesting!


_1900_ (http://www.infoplease.com/year/1900.html )
_1901_ (http://www.infoplease.com/year/1901.html)
_1902_ (http://www.infoplease.com/year/1902.html)
_1903_ (http://www.infoplease.com/year/1903.html)
_1904_ (http://www.infoplease.com/year/1904.html)
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_1908_ (http://www.infoplease.com/year/1908.html)
_1909_ (http://www.infoplease.com/year/1909.html)
_1910_ (http://www.infoplea se.com/year/1910.HTML)
_1911_ (http://www.infoplease.com/year/1911.html)
_1912_ (http://www.infoplease.com/year/1912.html)
_1913_ (http://www.infoplease.com/year/1913.html)
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_1918_ (http://www.infoplease.com/year/1918.html)
_1919_ (http://www.infoplease.com/year/1919.html)
_1920_ (http://www.infoplease.com/year/1920.html)
_1921_ (http://www.infoplease.com/year/1921.html)
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_1925_ (http://www.infoplease.com/year/1925.html)
_1926_ (http://www.infoplease.com/year/1926.html)
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_1929_ (http://www.infoplease.com/year/1929.html)
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_1943_ (http://www.infoplease.com/year/1943.html)
_1944_ (http://www.infoplease.com/year/1944.html)
_1945_ (http://www.infoplease.com/year/1945.html)
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_1963_ (http://www.infoplease.com/year/1963.html)
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_1967_ (http://www.infoplease.com/year/1967.html)
_1968_ (http://www.infoplease.com/year/1968.html)
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_1977_ (http://www.infoplease.com/year/1977.html)
_1978_ (http://www.infoplease.com/year/1978.html)
_1979_ (http://www.infoplease.com/year/1979.html)
_1980_ (http://www.infoplease.com/year/1980.html)
_1981_ (http://www.infoplease.com/year/1981.html)
_1982_ (http://www.infoplease.com/year/1982.html)
_1983_ (http://www.infoplease.com/year/1983.html)
_1984_ (http://www.infoplease.com/year/1984.html)
_1985_ (http://www.infoplease.com/year/1985.html)
_1986_ (http://www.infoplease.com/year/1986.html)
_1987_ (http://www.infoplease.com/year/1987.html)
_1988_ (http://www.infoplease.com/year/1988.html)
_1989_ (http://www.infoplease.com/year/1989.html)
_1990_ (http://www.infoplease.com/year/1990.html)
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_2002_ (http://www.infoplease.com/year/2002.html)
_2003_ (http://www.infoplease.com/year/2003.html)
_2004_ (http://www.infoplease.com/cgi-bin/id/A0920845.html )

Lord I don't have that sort of time! I just happened across these things
while "freesurfing". Someone will send me something and I'll follow an
interesting looking link here, then another there or google something
and start following links it leads me to (sort of like a rambling
conversation that starts out about cars and works it's way to string
theory and quantum physics)
It's amazing the things you'll come across if you just let yourself
wander! LOL

The Geography of a Woman
Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is
half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around
the fertile deltas.

Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely
discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with
countries with cash or cars.

Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot,
relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.

Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may
have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and
desirable place to visit.

Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the
war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now
necessary.

Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide,
quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate
keeps people away.

Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a
glorious and all conquering past but alas no future (a bit like Tony
Blair, maybe Blair’s a women really).

After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it
is, but no one wants to go there.

The Geography of a Man
Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Zimbabwe - ruled by a ****.

1) At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a
hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2) Tell your children over dinner. “Due to the economy, we are going to
have to let one of you go.”
3) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries
with that.
4) Put your waste basket on your desk and label it “IN”.
5) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten
over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6) Finish all your sentences with “In accordance with the prophecy.”
7) Don’t use any punctuation
8) Use, too…much; punctuation!
9) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
10) Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
11) Specify that your drive-through order is “to go.”
12) Sing along at the opera.
13) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don’t rhyme.
14) Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle
sounds all day.
15) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can’t attend their party
because you’re not in the mood.
16) Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, “Rock
Hard.”
17) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream “I Won! I Won! Third
time this week!!!”
18) When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling,
“Run for your lives, they’re loose!”

1. If you owe someone money, always pay them back in a bar. Preferably
during happy hour.
2. Always toast before doing a shot.
3. Whoever buys the shot gets the first chance to offer a toast.
4. Change your toast at least once a month.
5. Buying someone a drink is five times better than a handshake.
6. Buying a strange woman a drink is still cool. Buying all her drinks
is dumb.
7. Never borrow more than one cigarette from the same person in one
night.
8. When the bartender is slammed, resist the powerful urge to order a
slightly-dirty, very-dry, in-and-out, super-chilled half-and-half
martini with a lemon twist. Limit orders to beer, straight shots and
two-part ****tails. (especially when i’m in line behind you)
9. Get the bartender’s attention with eye contact and a smile.
10. Do not make eye contact with the bartender if you do not want a
drink.
11. Unacceptable things to say after doing a shot: Great, now I'm going
to get drunk. I hate shots. It's coming back up.
12. Never, ever tell a bartender he made your drink too strong.
13. If he makes it too weak, order a double next time. He’ll get the
message.
14. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she refuses, she does not
like you.
15. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she accepts, she still might
not like you.
16. If she buys you a drink, she likes you.
17. If someone offers to buy you a drink, do not upgrade your liquor
preference.
18. Always have a corkscrew in your house.
19. If you don’t have a corkscrew, push the cork down into the bottle
with a pen.
20. Drink one girly drink in public and you will forever be known as the
guy who drinks girly drinks.
21. Our parents were better drinkers than we are.
22. Never talk to someone in the restroom unless you’re doing the same
thing'urinating, waiting in line or washing your hands.
23. Girls hang out, apply make-up, and have long talks in the bathroom.
Men do not.
24. After your sixth drink, do not look at yourself in the mirror. It
will shake your confidence.
25. It is only permissible to shout ‘woo-hoo!’ if you are doing a shot
with four or more people.
26. If there is a d.j., you can request a song only once per night. If
he doesn’t play it within half an hour, do not approach him again. If he
does play it, do not approach him again.
27. Learn how to make a rose out of a bar napkin. You’ll be surprised
how well it works.
28. If you can’t afford to tip, you can’t afford to drink in a bar. Go
to the liquor store.
29. If you owe someone twenty dollars or less, you may pay them back in
beer.
30. Never complain about the quality or brand of a free drink.
31. If you have been roommates with someone more than six months, you
may drink all their beer, even if it’s hidden, as long as you leave them
one.
32. You can have a shot of their hard liquor only if the cap has been
cracked and the bottle goes for less than $25.
33. The only thing that tastes better than free liquor is stolen liquor.
34. If you bring Old Milwaukee to a party, you must drink at least two
cans before you start drinking the imported beer in the fridge.(or if
you bring keystone light)
35. Learn to appreciate hangovers. If it was all good times every
jackass would be doing it.
36. If you ever feel depressed, get out a bartender's guide and browse
through all the drinks you've never tried.
37. Try one new drink each week.
38. If you are the bar’s sole customer, you are obliged to make small
talk with the bartender until he stops acknowledging you. Then you’re
off the hook. The same goes for him.
39. Never tip with coins that have touched you. If your change is $1.50,
you can tell the barmaid to keep the change, but once she has handed it
to you, you cannot give it back. To a bartender or ****tail waitress,
small change has no value.
40. If you have ever told a bartender, 'Hey, it all spends the same,'
then you are a cheap ass.
41. Anyone on stage or behind a bar is fifty percent better looking.
42. You can tell how hard a drinker someone is by how close they keep
their drink to their mouth.
43. A bar is a college, not a nursery. If you spill a beer, clean it up.
If you break a glass, wait for a staff member to clean it up, then blame
it on someone else.
44. Being drunk is feeling sophisticated without being able to say it.
45. It’s okay to drink alone.
46. After three drinks, you will forget a woman’s name two seconds after
she tells you. The rest of the night you will call her 'baby' or
'darling'.
47. Nothing screams ‘nancy boy’ louder than swirling an oversized brandy
snifter.
48. Men don’t drink from straws. Unless you’re doing a Mind or Face
Eraser.
49. If you do a shot, finish it. If you don’t plan to finish it, don’t
accept it.
50. Never brood in a dance bar. Never dance in a dive bar.
51. Never play more than three songs by the same artist in a row.
52. Your songs will come on as you’re leaving the bar.
53. Never yell out jukebox selections to someone you don’t know.
54. Never lie in a bar. You may, however, grossly exaggerate and lean.
55. If you think you might be slurring a little, then you are slurring a
lot. If you think you are slurring a lot, then you are not speaking
English.
56. Screaming, 'Someone buy me a drink!' has never worked.
57. For every drink, there is a five percent better chance you will get
in a fight. There is also a three percent better chance you will lose
the fight.
58. Fighting an extremely drunk person when you are sober is hilarious.
59. If you are broke and a friend is 'sporting you', you must laugh at
all his jokes and play wingman when he makes his move.
60. If you are broke and a friend is 'making sport of you', you may
steal any drink he leaves unattended.
61. Never rest your head on a table or bar top. It is the equivalent of
voluntarily putting your head on a chopping block.
62. If you are trading rounds with a friend and he asks if you’re ready
for another, always say yes. Once you fall out of sync you will end up
buying more drinks than him.
63. If you’re going to hit on a member of the bar staff, make sure you
tip well before and after, regardless of her response.
64. The people with the most money are rarely the best tippers.
65. Before you die, single-handedly make one decent martini.
66. Asking a bartender what beers are on tap when the handles are right
in front of you is the equivalent of saying, 'I’m an idiot.'
67. Never ask a bartender 'what’s good tonight'' They do not fly in the
scotch fresh from the coast every morning.
68. If there is a line for drinks, get your goddamn drink and step the
hell away from the bar.
69. If there is ever any confusion, the fuller beer is yours.
70. The patrons at your local bar are your extended family, your fathers
and mothers, your brothers and sisters. Except you get to sleep with
these sisters. And if you’re really drunk, the mothers.
71. It’s acceptable, traditional in fact, to disappear during a night of
hard drinking. You will appear mysterious and your friends will
understand. If they even notice.
72. Never argue your tab at the end of the night. Remember, you’re
hammered and they're sober. It’s akin to a precocious five-year-old
arguing the super-string theory with a physicist. 99.9% of the time
you’re wrong and either way you’re going to come off as a jackass.
73. If you bring booze to a party, you must drink it or leave it.
74. If you hesitate more than three seconds after the bartender looks at
you, you do not deserve a drink.
75. Beer makes you mellow, champagne makes you silly, wine makes you
dramatic, tequila makes you felonious.
76. The greatest thing a drunkard can do is buy a round of drinks for a
packed bar.
77. Never preface a conversation with a bartender with 'I know this is
going to be a hassle, but . . .'
78. When you're in a bar and drunk, your boss is just another guy
begging for a fat lip. Unless he's buying.
79. If you are 86'd, do not return for at least three months. To come
back sooner makes it appear no other bar wants you.
80. Anyone with three or more drinks in his hands has the right of way.
81. If you're going to drink on the job, drink vodka. It's the no-tell
liquor.
82. There's nothing wrong with drinking before noon. Especially if
you're supposed to be at work.
83. The bar clock moves twice as fast from midnight to last call.
84. A flask engraved with a personal message is one of the best gifts
you can ever give. And make sure there's something in it.
85. On the intimacy scale, sharing a quiet drink is between a handshake
and a kiss.
86. You will forget every one of these rules by your fifth drink.

In one episode of 'Cheers', Cliff is seated at the bar describing the
'Buffalo Theory' to his buddy Norm. I don't think I've ever heard the
concept explained any better than this...

"Well you see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move
as fast as the slowest buffalo and when the herd is hunted, it is the
slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural
selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and
health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the
weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate
as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive drinking
of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and
weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer
eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more
efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after
a few beers."

43 for me, forgot to put that on there

Body: Dr. Phil scored 55; he did this test on Oprah-she got a 38. Some
folks pay a lot of money to find this stuff out.

Read on, this is very interesting!

Don't be overly sensitive! The following is pretty accurate and it only
takes 2 minutes. Take this test for yourself and send it to your
friends.

The person who sent it placed their score in the subject box. Don't peek
but begin the test as you scroll down and answer.

Answers are for who you are now......not who you were in the past.

Have pen or pencil and paper ready. This is a real test given by the
Human Relations Dept. at many of the major corporations today. It helps
them get better insight concerning their employees and prospective
employees.

It's only 10 Simple questions, so..... Grab a pencil and paper, keeping
track of your letter answers to each question. Make sure to change the
subject of the bulletin to read YOUR total.

When you are finished, repost this.
Make sure to put YOUR score in the subject box.

Ready?? Begin...

1. When do you feel your best?
a) in the morning
b) during the afternoon and early evening
c) late at night


2. You usually walk...
a) fairly fast, with long steps
b) fairly fast, with little steps
c) less fast head up, looking the world in the face
d) less fast, head down
e) very slowly


3. When talking to people you..
a) stand with your arms folded
b) have your hands clasped
c) have one or both your hands on your hips
d) touch or push the person to whom you a re talking
e) play with your ear, touch your chin, or smooth your hair


4. When relaxing, you sit with.
a) your knees bent with your legs neatly side by side
b) your legs crossed
c) your legs stretched out or straight
d) one leg curled under you


5. When something really amuses you, you react with...
a) big appreciated laugh
b) a laugh, but not a loud one
c) a quiet chuckle
d) a sheepish smile


6. When you go to a party or social gathering you..
a) make a loud entrance so everyone notices you
b) make a quiet entrance, looking around for someone you know
c) make the quietest entrance, trying to stay unnoticed


7. You're working very hard, concentrating hard, and you're
interrupted......
a) welcome the break
b) feel extremely irritated
c) vary between these two extremes


8 Which of the following colors do you like most?
a) Red or orange
b) black
c) yellow or light blue
d) green
e) dark blue or purple
f) white
g) brown or gray


9. When you are in bed at night, in those last few moments before going
to sleep you are.
a) stretched out on your back
b) stretched out face down on your stomach
c) on your side, slightly curled
d) with your head on one arm
e) with your head under the covers


10. You often dream that you are..
a) falling
b) fighting or struggling
c) searching for something or somebody
d) flying or floating
e) you usually have dreamless sleep
f) your dreams are always pleasant


POINTS:

1. (a) 2 (b) 4 (c) 6

2. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 7 (d) 2 (e) 1

3. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 5 (d) 7 (e) 6

4. (a) 4 (b) 6 (c) 2 (d) 1

5. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 2

6. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 2

7. (a) 6 (b) 2 (c) 4

8. (a) 6 (b) 7 (c) 5 (d) 4 (e) 3 (f) 2 (g) 1

9. (a) 7 (b) 6 (c) 4 (d) 2 (e) 1

10. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 6 (f) 1



Now add up the total number of points.

OVER 60 POINTS: Others see you as someone they should "handle with
care." You're seen as vain, self-centered, and extremely dominant.
Others may admire you, wishing they could be more like you, but don't
always trust you, hesitating to become too deeply involved with you.

51 TO 60 POINTS: Others see you as an exciting, highly volatile, rather
impulsive personality; a natural leader, who's quick to make decisions,
though not always the right ones. They see you as bold and
adventuresome, someone who will try anything once; someone who take
chances and enjoys an adventure. They enjoy being in your company
because of the excitement you radiate.

41 TO 50 POINTS: Others see you as fresh, lively, charming, amusing,
practical, and always interesting; someone who's constantly in the
center of attention, but sufficiently well-balanced not to let it go to
their head. They also see you as kind, considerate, and understanding,
someone who'll always cheer them up and help them out.

31 TO 40 POINTS: Others see you as sensible, cautious, careful &
practical. They see you as clever, gifted, or talented, but modest. Not
a person who makes friends too quickly or easily, but someone who's
extremely loyal to friends you do make and who expect the same loyalty
in return. Those who really get to know you realize it takes a lot to
shake your trust in your friends, but equally that it takes you a long
time to get over it if that trust is ever broken.

21 TO 30 POINTS: Your friends see you as painstaking and fussy. They see
you as very cautious, extremely careful, a slow and steady plodder. It
would really surprise them if you ever did something impulsively or on
the spur of the moment, expecting you to examine everything carefully
from every angle and then, usually decide against it. They think this
reaction is caused partly by your careful nature.

UNDER 21 POINTS: People think you are shy, nervous, and indecisive,
someone who needs looking after, who always wants someone else to make
the decisions & who doesn't want to get involved with anyone or
anything! They see you as a worrier who always sees problems that don't
exist. Some people think you're boring. Only those who know you well
know that you aren't.

Now forward this to others, and put your score in the subject box
as: "Dr. Phil's Test - I'm a ?" please do the same before forwarding to
your friends

The evening after Mr. Wilkins lost his wife scuba diving, he answered
the doorbell rather late to find two policemen. "We're sorry to call on
you at this hour," they said, "but we have some information about your
wife."

"Well...tell me!" he demanded.

One officer said, "We have some bad news, some pretty good news, and
some really great news."

Mr. Wilkins replied, "Give me the bad news first."

So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but we found your
wife's body this morning in San Francisco Bay."

"OH MY GOD!," said Mr. Wilkens. Then, remembering what the policeman
had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"

"Well," said the policeman, "when we pulled her up she had two
five-pound lobsters and a dozen good-size Dungeness crabs on her."

"Huh?" he said, not understanding. "So, what's the great news?"

The policeman smiled, licked his chops, and said, "We're going to pull
her up again tomorrow morning."

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the
mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the
whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a
big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific
fishing lures. At each of the houses along his route, he was met with
congratulations, farewells, cards, and gifts.

At the final house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful
blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him
through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the
stairs to the bedroom where they had a most passionate liaison.
Afterwards, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant
breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and
fresh-squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As
she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the
cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, " but what's the
dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be
your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked
him what to give you."

He said, " Screw him.......give him a dollar."

The blonde then blushed and said, "The breakfast was my idea"

After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new
bride,Virginia.

Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Jersey to say hello to his
friends.

Giovanni said, "Hey Luigi, how wasa da treep?"

Luigi said, "Everyting wasa perfecto except for da train ride down."

Whata you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni.

"Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station. My beautiful
Virginia, she pack a biga basket a food. She broughta da vino, some nice
cigars for me, and we were lookina forward to da trip, and open upa da
luncha basket.

The conductore comea by, waga his finger at us anda say, 'no eat
indisa car.

Musta use a dining car.'

So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to a dining car, eat a biga
lunch and starta ta open da bottle of a nice a vino!

Conductore walka by again, waga his finger and say, 'No drinka in disa
car!

Musta use a cluba car.'

So, we go to cluba car. While a drinkina da vino, I starta to lighta my
biga cigar.

The conductore, he waga his finger again and say, 'No a smokina disa
car. Musta go to a smokina car.'

We go to a smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar.

Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to a sleeper car anda go to bed.
We just about to go boombada boombada and the conductore, he walka
through da hall shouting ata top of his a voice...

'Nofolka Virginia! Nofolka Virginia!'

Nexta time, I'ma just gonna taka da bus!!

A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions"
to his first year medical students.
Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor
decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what
your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."
The professor laughed so hard he could not continue with the class.

I know it's not just this group but hafta say I've seen REAL miracles
when they're put on the job for prayers. That's why I put in any request
from my friends here and pass them along whenever I can. There is
definately power in it!