A YOUNG REPORTER GOES TO A RETIREMENT HOME TO INTERVIEW AN AGING BUT LEGENDARY EXPLORER. AFTER HEARING MANY TALES, HE ASKS THE OLD MAN TO TELL HIM ABOUT THE MOST FRIGHTENING EXPERIENCE HE EVER HAD.
THE OLD EXPLORER SAYS, "ONCE I WAS HUNTING TIGRS IN THE JUNGLES OF INDIA. I WAS ON A NARROW PATH AND MY NATIVE GUIDE WAS BEHIND ME CARRYING MY
RIFLE. JUST THEN, THE LARGEST TGER I'VE EVER SEEN LEAPED IN FRONT OF USE. I TURNED AROUNDFOR MY WEAPON ONLY TO FIND THAT THE NATIVE HAD FLED. THE TIGER LEAPED TOWARD ME WITH A MIGHTY
ROARRRR! I SOILD MYSELF."
THE REPORTER SAY, "SIR, DON'T BE ASHAMED. UNDER THOSE CIRCUMSTANCES
ANYONE WOULD HAVE DONE THE SAME."
"NO, NOT THEN," THE OLD MAN REPLIES.
"JUST NOW WHEN I WENT, 'ROARRRR!'"

A MAN LIES SPRAWLED ACROSS THREE SEATS IN A FANCY THEATER. AN USHER WALKS BY AND SEES THE MAN.
“SORRYY, SIR. BUT YOU’RE ALLOWED ONLY ONE SEAT”, THE USHER SAYS.
THE MAN GROANS BUT DOESN’T BUDGE. THE USHER GETS FRUSTRATED AND SUMMONS THE MANGER. THE TWO THEATER WORKERS TRY TO MOVE THE MAN, WITHOUT SUCCESS. FINALLY, THE MANGER, NOT KNOWING WHAT ELSE TO DO, CALLS THE POLICE.
WHEN AN OFFICER ARRIVES, HE ASKS THE MAN, “BUDDY, WHAT’S YOUR NAME?”
“SAM,” THE MAN MOANS
“WHERE YOU FROM SAM?” THE COP ASKS
“THE BALCONY,” SAM GASPS

A WOMAN STOPS BY HER SON’S HOUSE AND FINDS HER DAUGHTER-IN-LAW NAKED ON THE COUCH.
“I’M WAITING FOR FRED,” THE EMBARRASSED GIRL STAMMERS. “THIS IS MY LOVE DRESS… EVERY TIME HE SEES ME IN IT, HE, RAUAGES ME.”
WHEN THE MOTHER –IN-LAW GETS HOME SHE UNDRESSES AND WAITS FOR HER HUSBAND TO ARRIVE.
WHEN HE WALKS IN, SHE WHISPERS,
“THIS IS MY LOVE DRESS.”
“HMM,” SAYS THE SPOUSE
“NEEDS IRONING.”

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD IS SKIPPING DOWN THE ROAD WHEN SHE SEES THE BIG BAD WOLF CROUCHED DOWN BEHIND A LOG.
“MY WHAT BIG EYES YOU HAVE MR. WOLF.” SAY LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD. SO MR WOLF JUMP UP AND RUNS AWAY!!!
FURTHER DOWN THE ROAD LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD SEES THE WOLF AGAIN. THIS TIME HE’S IS CROUCHED BEHIND A TREE STUMP. “MY WHAT BIG EARS YOU HAVE MR.WOLF,” SAY LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD.
AGAIN THE WOLF JUMPS UP AND RUNS AWAY. ABOUT 2 MILES DOWN THE TRACK LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD SEES THE WOLF AGAIN; THIS TIME CROUCHED DOWN BEHIND A ROAD SIGN.
“MY WHAT BIG TEETH YOU HAVE MR.WOLF,” TAUNTS LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD.
“WILL YOU **** OFF,
I’M TRYING TO TAKE A SHIT”

"TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS--OLD SANTA WAS PISSED. HE CUSSED OUT THE ELVES AND THREW DOWN HIS LIST. MISERABLE LITTLE BRATS, UNGRATEFUL LITTLE JERKS. I HAVE A GOOD MIND TO SCRAP THE WHOLE WORK!
I'VE BUSTED MY *** FOR DAMN NEAR A YEAR. INSTEAD OF "THANKS SANTA," WHAT DO I HERE? THE OLD LADY ******* CAUSE I WORK LATE AT NIGHT. THE ELVES WANT MORE MONEY-- THE REINDEER ALL FIGHT. RUDOLPH GOT DRUNK AND GOOSED ALL THE MAIDS. DONNER IS PREGNANT AND VIXEN HAS AIDS. AND JUST WHEN I THOUGHT THAT THINGS WOULD GET BETTER THOSE ******** FROM THE IRS SENT ME A LETTER, THEY SAY I OWE TAXES, IF THAT AIN'T DAMN FUNNY, WHO THE HELL EVER SENT SANTA CLAUS ANY MONEY?
AND THE KIDS THESE DAYS, THEY ALL ARE THE PITS. THE WANT THE IMPOSSIBLE, THOSE MEAN LITTLE *****. I SPENT A WHOLE YEAR MAKING WAGONS AND SLEDS, ASSEMBLING DOLLS... THEIR ARMS, LEGS AND HEADS. I MADE A TON OF YO YO'S, NO REQUEST FOR THEM! THEY WANT COMPUTERS AND ROBOTS. THEY THINK, I'M IBM!
FLYING THROUGHT THE AIR... DODGING THE TREES, FALLING DOWN CHIMNEY'S AND SKINNING MY KNEES. I'M QUITTING THIS JOB THERE'S JUST NO ENJOYMENT. I'LL SIT ON MY FAT *** AND DRAW UNEMPLOYMENT
THERE'S NO CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR, NOW YOU KNOW THE REASON.
I FOUND ME A REDHEAD.
I'M GOING SOUTH FOR THE SEASON!

A wealthy man was having an affair with Italian women for several years. One night during One of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation Or his marriage, he would pay a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly to have the child and Would stay in Italy to raise the child. He would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but Asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin. One day about 9 months later he came home to his confused wife, "Honey" she said. "You received a very strange post Card today". "OH, just give it to me and I'll explain it" he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the Card, turned white and fainted.

On the card was written: Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti 2 with
Meatballs and 1 without.

A GUY IS HIKING UP A MOUNTAIN WHEN SEES A GIRL STANDING AT THE EDGE OF A CLIFF, CRYING.
“HEY,” HE SAYS, “IF YOU’RE GOING TO JUMP, HOW ABOUT GIVING ME A BLOW JOB BEFORE YOU DO IT?”
“MY LIFE’S BEEN NOTHING BUT CRAP,” SAY THE GIRL. “SO I MIGHT AS WELL.”
AFTER THE GIRL IS DONE, THE GUY SAYS, “WOW, THAT WAS GREAT. WHY ARE YOU SO DEPRESSED, ANYWAYS?”
THE GIRL REPLIES, “MY FAMILY DISOWNEDME FOR DRESSING LIKE A WOMAN.”

A JUDGE WORKING A DOUBLE-"HOMICIDE CASE TELLS THE DEFENDANT, “YOU’RE CHARGED WITH BEATING YOUR WIFE TO DEATH WITH A HAMMER.”
“YOU BASTARD!” YELLS A VOICE FROM THE BACK OF THE COURTROOM.
“YOU’RE ALSO CHARGED WITH KILLING YOUR MOTHER-IN-LAW WITH A HAMMER,” SAYS THE JUDGE.
“BASTARD!” THE SAME PERSON YELLS.
THE JUDGE ADDRESSES THE MAN SITTING IN THE BACK OF THE COURTROOM. “ SIR, ONE MORE OUTBURST AND I’LL CHARGE YOU WITH CONTEMPT.”
“I’M SORRY, YOUR HONOR,” SAYS THE MAN. “BUT I’VE BEEN THIS BASTARD’S NEIGHBOR FOR 10 YEARS, AND EVERY TIME I ASKED TO BORROW A HAMMER, HE SAID HE DIDN’T HAVE ONE.”

A GUY HAS A FEW DRINKS AT A BAR, AND THEN HEADS TO THE REST ROOM. WHILE HE’S DOING HIS BUSINESS, A VERY SHORT MAN TAKES THE URINAL NEXT TO HIM AND WHIPS OUT A 10-INCH JOHNSON.
“I’M SORRY FOR STARING,” SAYS THE GUY, “BUT YOU’RE”RE HUGE.”
“THAT’S BECAUSE I’M A LEPRECHAUN,” SAYS THE SHORT MAN. “ALL LEPRECHAUN ARE WELL-ENDOWED.”
“I’D DO ANYTHING TO HAVE A PENIS THAT SIZE,” SIGNS THE GUY.
“IT JUST SO HAPPENS THAT I CAN GRANT WISHES,” SAYS THE LEPRECHAUN. “IF YOU LET ME HAVE SEX WITH YOU IN THE BATHROOM STALL, I’LL GIVE YOU A BIGGER PENIS.”
THE MAN THINKS IT OVER AND DECIDES HE WANTS A GIANT SCHLONG. AS THEY’RE GOING AT IT, THE MAN CRIES OUT, “I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M LETTING A LEPRECHAUN SCREW ME!”
“I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT YOU BELIEVE I’M A LEPRECHAUN!”

AN ELDERLY COUPLE IS HAVING AN ANNIVERSARY DINNER WHEN THE HUSBAND ASKS HIS WIFE, “DO YOU REMEMBER THE FIRST TIME WE HAD SEX TOGETER, 50 YEARS AGO? WE WENT BEHIND THIS TAVERN, YOU LEANED AGAINST THE FENCE AND I MADE LOVE TO YOU.”
“YES,” SHE SAYS. “I REMEMBER IT WELL.”
“WHY DON’T WE DO IT AGAIN FOR OLD TIME SAKE?” HE ASKS, AND THE WIFE AGREES.
A BEMUSED POLICE OFFICER OVERHEARS THEM AND DECIDES TO KEEP AN EYE ON THE PAIR TO MAKE SURE THERE’S NO TROUBLE. BEHIND THE TAVERN, HE OBSERVES THE COUPLE DROP THEIR DRAWERS. THE WIFE GRABS THE FENCE AND SUDDENLY THE TWO BEGAIN HAVING THE MOST FURIOUS ATHLEIC SEX THE COP HAS EVER SEEN. IT LASTS FOR A FULL HOUR. AMAZED, THE COP APPROACHES THEM. “THAT WAS SOMETHING ELSE!” HE SAYS. “HOW DO YOU MUSTER SUCH ENERY AT YOUR AGE?”
THE OLD MAN REPLIES “FIFTY YEARS AGO THAT WASN’T AN ELECTRIC FENCE.”

BRYAN HESTER INVITED HIS MOTHER OVER FOR DINNER. DURING THE COURSE OF THE MEAL, BRYAN'S MOTHER COULDN'T HELP BUT KEEP NOTICING HOW BEAUTIFUL BRYAN'S ROOMMATE, STEPHANIE, WAS. MRS. HESTER HAD LONG BEEN SUSPICIOUS OF A RELATIONSHIP
BETWEEN BRYAN AND STEPHANIE, AND THIS HAD ONLY MADE HER MORE CURIOUS.
OVER THE COURSE OF THE EVENING, WHILE THE TWO REACT, MRS. HESTER STARTED TO WONDER IF THERE WAS MORE BETWEEN BRYAN AND STEPHANIE, THAN MET THE EYE. READING HIS MOM'S THOUGHT, BRYAN VOLUNTEERED, "I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE THINKING, BUT I ASSURE YOU STEPHANIE, AND I ARE JUST ROOMMATES."
ABOUT A WEEK LATER, STEPHANIE CAME TO BRYAN SAYING, "EVER SINCE YOUR MOTHER CAME FOR DINNER, I'VE BEEN UNABLE TO FIND THE BEAUTIFUL SILVER GRAVY LADLE. YOU DON'T SUPPOSE SHE TOOK IT, DO YOU?" BRYAN SAID, "WELL, I DOUBT IT, BUT I'LL SEND HER A E-MAIL JUST TO BE SURE."
SO HE SAT DOWN AND WROTE:

I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID" TAKE THE GRAVY LADLE
FROM ARE HOUSE, I'M NOT SAYING YOU "DID NOT" TAKE THE GRAVY LADLE. BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT ONE HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.

LOVE, BRYAN

SEVER DAYS LATER, BRYAN RECEIVED A LETTER FROM HIS MOTHER THAT READ:

DEAR SON,
I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO" SLEEP WITH STEPHANIE, AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID NOT" SLEEP WITH STEPHANIE. BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF SHE WERE SLEEPING IN HER OWN BED, SHE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE GRAVY LADLE BY NOW.

LOVE, MOM

A FARMER BUYS A YOUNG ROOSTER TO INPREGNATE
HIS CHICKENS. THE YOUNG ROOSTER STRUTS INTO BARN
AND YELLS TO THE OLD ROOSTER, “GET OUT, OLD MAN!
THIS IS MY BARN NOW”
“TELL YOU WHAT,” SAYS THE OLD ROOSTER.”I’LL RACE YOU AROUND THE FARM; WINNER GET ALL THE CHICS.”
THE OLD ROOSTER TAKES OFF TOWARD THE FRONT OF THE HOUSE WITH THE YOUNG ROOSTER CHASING HIM. THE FARMER TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE ROOSTER, PULLS OUT HIS SHOTGUN, AND BLOWS THE YOUNG ONE WAY.
“DAMMIT,” SAYS THE FARMER.
“THAT’S THE THIRD GAY ROOSTER I’V BOUGHT THIS MONTH!”

THE CAT IN THE HAT

I CANNOT SEE
I CANNOT PEE
I CANNOT CHEW
I CANNOT SCREW
OH, MY GOSH, WHAT CAN I DO?
MY MEMORY SHRINKS
MY HEARING STINKS
NO SENCE OF SMELL
I LOOK LIKE HELL
MY MOODIS BAD--CAN YOU TELL
MY BODY'S DROOPING
HAVE TROUBLE POOPING
THE GOLDEN YEARS HAVE COME AT LAST
THE GOLDEN YEARS CAN KISS MY ***

A MAN FINDS A LADDER LEADING UP TO THE
CLOUDS AND STARTS CLIMBING. AFTER SOME
TIME, HE REACHES A CLOUD WITH A FAT WOMAN
SITTING ON IT.
"SCREW ME OR CLIMB THE LADDER TO SUCCESS," SHE SAID. WITHOUT A SECOND THOUGHT, THE MAN CONTINUES UP UNTIL HE HITS ANOTHER CLOUD WHERE A RATHER AVERAGE-LOOKING WOMAN.
"SCREW ME OR CLIMB THE LADDER TO SUCCESS," SHE SAYS. CONSIDERING THE FIRST IMPROVEMENT, THE MAN THINKS HE'LL TRY HIS LUCK ON THE NEXT CLOUD, WHERE AN ABSOUTE STUNNER AWAITS HIM.
LIKE THE OTHERS, SHE SAYS, "SCREW ME OR CLIMB THE LADDER TO SUCCESS." NOW, UNABLE TO IMAGINE THE SEXPOT WHO AWAITS HIM ON THE NEXT LEVEL, THE MAN TAKES A GAMBLE AND CONTINUES HIS ASCENT. BUT WHEN HE REACHES THE NEXT CLOUD, HE FINDS AN OBESE MAN WITH FLIES BUZZING AROUND HIS CROTCH.
"HI!" THE FATTY SAYS. "I'M CESS!"

A MAN ESCAPES FROM PRISON WHERE HE BEEN KEPT FOR 15 YEARS. AS HE RUNS AWAY, HE FINDS A HOUSE AND BREAKS INTO IT, LOOKING FOR MONEY AND GUNS, BUT ONLY FINDS A YOUNG COUPLE IN BED.
HE ORDERS THE GUY OUT OF BED AND TIES HIM IN THE CHAIR. WHILE TYING THE GIRL TO THE BED, HE GETS ON TOP OF HER.
KISSING HER ON THE NECK, THEN GETS UP AND GOES TO THE BATHROOM.
WHILE HE'S IN THERE, THE HUSBAND TELLS HIS WIFE, "LISTEN, THIS GUY IS AN ECAPED PRISONER, LOOK AT HIS CLOTHES!
HE PROBABLY SPENT LOTS OF TIME IN JAIL, AND HASN'T SEEN A WOMAN IN YEARS."
"I SAW HOW HE KISSED YOUR NECK. IF HE WANTS SEX, DON'T RESIST, DON'T COMPLAIN, JUST DO WHAT HE TELLS YOU, JUST GIVE HIM SATISFACTION. THIS GUY MUST BE DANGEROUS, IF HE GETS ANGRY,
HE'LL KILL US. BE STRONG, HONEY
I LOVE YOU"
TO WHICH THE WIFE RESPONDS, "HE WAS NOT KISSING MY NECK. HE WAS WHISPERING IN MY EAR.
HE TOLD ME HE WAS GAY, THOUGHT YOU WERE CUTE, AND ASKED IF WE KEPT ANY VASELINE IN THE BATHROOM.
BE STRONG, HONEY
I LOVE YOU TOO.