1. If you're choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water

down your throat.

Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.

2. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by

getting someone else to hold while you chop.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and

bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock,

will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep

after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives,

then you'll be afraid to cough.

7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape.

If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40.

If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Daily Thought: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES. NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS

P.S. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

I'm gonna out a mouse trap near the cookie!!

But I thought you said the only tools we need was WD-40 and duct tape?

A hammer is not a tool. It's a universal widget for breaking glass, mirrors & bending nails.

As a carpenter, that's what I always say!!!!