I don't sponsor women.

anonymous

I am not an alcoholic and I do not quite understand addiction, except that I find certain habits like excess sugar hard to break. My brother is a hopeless alcoholic. I don't know where he is. My grandfather was one also. He disappeared from the family for 30 years and was found only after his death. Below is a letter written by me addressing the anger I felt towards the situation. And yet in spite of it, I think my life and our family's life has somehow been better with my brother being born as apposed to if he had never been born. I don't know why I believe this. Even now I wonder where he is and how he is doing. No one can "save" or "rescue" him. He has been through every treatment there is. He only has himself now. He has burnt all his bridges. He is his last hope. There is no one he can turn to now.



Where do you go from nowhere?
Letter to an Alcoholic


I don’t buy it anymore. The whining that is. The claiming that you can’t help yourself. The bull**** that you have a disease. Of course you do. But you also have a choice to be well and you have had many chances to get your life together. Others have done it. Why can’t you? Why do you think you are so special? Why do you think the world owes it to you to take care of you? Of course you will say that no one understands you or how hard life is, and you will say that you can take care of yourself. You haven't. So now where do you go from nowhere?

You are a cruel selfish irresponsible pathetic human being. I don't know your soul, you have abandoned it. You have broken many hearts, and nearly destroyed some of the people who cared for you the most without any compassion for them or any thought for anyone but yourself. You have lost your children. They are smoking pot, and they won’t even talk to you anymore. You turn your back on life. You blame others. You threaten suicide, you refuse to face responsibility. This is a dangerous game you play, it will not end well.

You feel sorry for yourself. You moan and cry about how you let everyone down. You let yourself down. You hate yourself and you hate others who try to keep you from your addiction. You are a crybaby who can’t face life and can’t grow up and can’t face responsibility of any kind. You crawl into a hole hoping someone will come and take care of you and feel sorry for you. Even when you are sober you are afraid and unable to handle responsibility. You need to grow up. AA cannot even help you. None of us can help you. You are lost, and we have lost faith in you. You have nothing more to loose. The love in our hearts can't help you. You have to find the love in your own heart now.

Thank you for listening.

Jeannie,

Pray for him. Many never get it. My brother didn't and someone else in my family is still in his cups. However, there is one in my family that says I planted the seed, not the hammer.

They cannot be helped and helping them the way codependents help, is not help.

Big Book page 111

The first principle of success is that you should never be angry. Even though your husband becomes unbearable and you have to leave him temporarily, you should, if you can, go without rancor. Patience and good temper are most necessary.

Our next thought is that you should never tell him what he must do about his drinking. If he gets the idea that you are a nag or killjoy, your chance of accomplishing anything useful may be zero. He will use that as an excuse to drink more. He will tell you he is misunderstood. This may lead to lonely evenings for you. He may seek someone else to console him - not always another man.

Be determined that your husband's drinking is not going to spoil your relations with your children or your friends. They need your companionship and your help. It is possible to have a full and useful life, though your husband continues to drink. We know women who are unafraid, even happy under these conditions. Do not set your heart on reforming your husband. You may be unable to do so, no matter how hard you try.

We know these suggestions are sometimes difficult to follow, but you will save many a heartbreak if you can succeed in observing them. Your husband may come to appreciate your reasonableness and patience. This may lay the groundwork for a friendly talk about his alcoholic problem. Try to have him bring up the subject himself. Be sure you are not critical during such a discussion. Attempt instead, to put yourself in his place. Let him see that you want to be helpful rather than critical.

Bill's friend

13th stepping is having a relationship with another new comer to the meetings.

Kat

Oh yeah, that how they do it.

Good morning just thought I would drop in and say hi before I went out and faced the day and a cold one it is. Its with the wind -39 celcius.

We have a roundup here at the end of the month feb.22,23,24 should be a blast the keynote speaker is someone from the states.

I have been not too bad as of late at least having a drink or drug has not crossed my mind. I have my family friends who are sober and just about to start a new job( getting away from construction) which is pretty slippery for me and starting to get back into social work. This thread means alot to me and the feedback has been terrific and its my wish it does continue. Anyway heres to a new day easy does it everyone and talk to you later.

I am no longer angry at him, but I still don't understand how he could have done some of the things he did. His children were left standing in the rain with all the worldly possessions and household furniture after being evicted from their home while he laid in jail after being arrested for waving a gun around threatening to shoot himself. I realize his problem is much worse than simply alcoholism. I believe he has other problems as well and other addictions and may even be psychotic. He hears voices when he is sober. I think he is a sensitive and does not know how to handle it. Doctors would probably call him psychotic. He is bi-polar. The real person is a deeply sensitive and spiritual being, but he has lost touch with that real person. I don't think he will recover unless he does it on his own. I don't think anyone has really identified his true problem. He just wants to be left alone in a dark place with his bottle. Its a real shame.

Jeanniebean,

Have you ever tried Alanon? I have been to Nar-Anon and it helped me.

Winx

A new comer of the opposite sex while attempting to help.
That goes on waaaaay too much.

AlAnon is a great help to those that are affected by a drug user or alcoholic.

I spent many years in meetings and taking them elsewhere. Lots of different meetings. AlAnon for teens and AlAnon for adults. NA and AA. I even went to a sex addiction meeting. I don't remember why....but I do remember joking that I was looking for someone in relapse.

Kat

I attended a few meetings when my brother was living here when he was going to AA. I even took my father to one. He grew up with an alcoholic father and then his only son became one. He is getting very old and forgetful now so he does not get out at all anymore. I don't go to meetings anymore either. I understand the concept they teach. I can't ad anything to it. But when you focus on a thing too much, you tend to attract that very thing into your experience. So I took my attention off of it when he left. I let go of the problem and I live my life the best I can. I wish him well, but I would not want him back in my life if he has not changed. I don't think he will. I don't hold much hope for that. Let him be what he chooses. But I won't let that be in my life. Its too depressing and stressful.

When we talk about De Nile, we ain't talkin 'bout the river.

The most obvious symptom of the disease of alcoholism is 'DENIAL'!! We just think it will be different the next time because we have all this knowledge about it. This is the insanity of the disease. On both sides.

Alnonomous

The bottom line is that we make our own choices. There comes a time when you just have to let go of the idea that you can solve their problem or help them if they no longer want your help and are not willing to help themselves. I hope a cure for addiction of all kind is found. To do that, they need to discover what causes addiction in the first place.

Does an alcoholic appreciate a person who is trying to help them? Ultimately, not. If anything they get angry at you if you try to come between them and their addiction. I understand this. Nobody likes to be judged or told what to do.

I was asked by my brother and by his children for help. That was the only reason I went to Al-anon when he started going to AA. I don't like getting into other people's lives but they were living with me so it was not easy to be out of their lives. Their lives directly affected mine.

People create their own lives. That includes alcoholics. Other people, like me, can choose to be involved in that life or not. You can't divorce your brother true enough. (You can divorce your husband.) You have a choice. You can spend your life watching someone you love destroy themselves and everyone around them, or you can choose not to have them in your life. This too is a choice. I would not let him come back into my life or live here again if he is still drinking. I realize I cannot help him. That is not denial.

Jeannie

"


Hi Jeannie yes I know its hard to watch someone kill themselves and feeling helpless and your right you cannot help them but you can help yourself hun.

His addiction seems to be making you very angry see the thing is nobody could have made me quit that was my desision. If I choose to relapse that to is my choice weird thing this disease.

Alanon is all about you and what the disease is doing to you and steps that you take for your happiness. Anyway Jeannie take care

Yes I understand what the purpose of Alanon is. I also know what detachment is. I have taken the steps for my own happiness. I am never "unhappy." I am a very happy person. There is nothing that alanon can tell me that I don't already know.

An alcoholic has a choice to choose to indulge in his or her addiction and pay the price of hurting or deserting the people who love him ~~ or not. A wife or family member can choose to live with that, put up with that, go to alanon to help them deal with that ~~ or not.

Yes I probably am angry, but more disappointed than anything because of the choices he made. Because he chose to blame and hurt others, he chose to abandon his children, he chose to be irresponsible. That is his choice. I have accepted that. His life is his own.

But where I draw the line on any compassion for him is when he hurts the people that I love. I will not let him do that again. I CAN handle my own disappointment, but I will not let him hurt the people I love. He becomes the enemy at that point.
Call that angry if you want. I call it self preservation.

Jeannie

Yes self preservation can also be a tool for survival. I hope you have a good day.

Good morning just though I would drop in and say hi and at the same time bump up this thread lol.

Did anyone hear of the two drunks walikg down the railroad trscks. Well the fist drunk says " God these stairs are awful long' and then the second drunk pipes up and says yes plus these damned railings are way too low. lol

I have seen it and lived it,good for you all things are possible if we let go and let God

That's a good one, Jon. Thanks for the laugh. Reminds me of the two drunks sitting under the Golden Gate bridge. One takes a drink of cooking wine and says, "I am thinking of buying this bridge". Then he hands the bottle to his buddy and his buddy says, "I don't think I want to sell it." I can remember my sponsor saying once, "The man takes a drink and then the drink takes the man." Sometimes even when I miss one meeting I can feel it. Going to manage my money better this week hopefully so I can keep plenty of gas to make my meetings.

I am going to take your advice and pray for my brother. I pray that something happens in his life that will turn him around. I pray that if that does not happen he finds peace and solace in his isolation. He often spoke of moving into the mountains and living with nature in some cabin. My grandfather did the same thing. He lived as a hermit and caretaker for some property in a small cabin in the woods. He drank when he wanted and he lived the way he wanted. I think he was happier that way. Even though we might think we know what is best for another person, we do not.

Well I am off to start a new job this morning. I am hopeing all you guys and gals have a great day. This is a god chance to work my program as I will be dealing with lots of people. So I will talk tonite and remember "Easy Does It"