Sunshines in the palm of my hand
I drink it down and i'm a better man
walk on air with my head in the haze
but the next morning i feel the remains

It's a black out but I see a bright light
Came home late it was the next night
she's getting mad when i'm not home
Just with the boys not tryin to roam

Lady I kind of like to watch you walk away
but I love to see you come.

So I know I haven't been on here for like forever. I've been happy in a relationship for a while, So I am here for shameless promotion. I am in a band Called SUPERCHIEF, we just released a Demo/EP thing If you guys wouldn't mind listening to it and giving me feedback I would appreciate it.
www.superchiefband.com


Love,
JT

The clicks of her thumbs on phone pad spell out
I'm getting tired of him, I want someone sexy
Someone stronger, one with much less doubt
Someone worthy of someone like me

I go walking in the park and light up a cigarette
I look in the water see my reflection I hate what I see
This distorted image isn't nearly as bad as whats in my head
That image is all I let my self be

Well if she wants a sexy man Maybe she should leave me

I've lived in the gutter for too long to be pretty and wanted
at best I hang around and am tolerated
A damaged ego and busted spine
I forgot how to just have a good time
She says to her friends she wants something better
I find out second hand through electronic letter
I know that there is so much that I lack
so I'm taking out the garbage and I'm not ever coming back

hung over, good show last night. I'm in the band

I don't go to meetings, I just decided to stop before I had a problem. Tonight I want to let loose, I want to have fun.

I hate this.

She is tired of me always being around and I worry too much. My ex-wife wanted space too once, thats when she left and cheated. I don't think the new one will but the thought floods my head, I hate this. I have no one else here to hang out with, but tonight I am singing with a band, trying to join, if I do well I'm in and maybe then I can meet people.
I worry about this girl though, we are very different, she reads romance, I read of revolution and the mockery of ourselves. I believe in nothing, she believes in god.
Maybe we aren't gonna work out, but I have grown to loving her. I hate what I have become, I have been sober for about 6 months, I think tonight I need a drink. Tonight I need to forget and let the party animal out to kill.

All my friends on AiM have went away
All I do anymore is sit and complain
Lets sip a coffee and point out the obvious
The difference between you and this anarchist
You feel positive energy with your head in the clouds
I see reality and you wonder why I'm down

Perhaps this sitcom is over
The original cast of feelings has left
The romantic plot line of lovers
Comedy is over after they protagonists have sex
And when, it gets serious It gets boring
I think this show is at an end

Your religion, your dressing up for the lord
Your god, your beliefs are getting old
The optimism of life you almost had me
But it end with me in misery

so I hope that your gold heart
won't blacken like mine
You try to call me smart
but I'm alone all the time
I see the pattern
It's a circular one
Your linear thinking
and me are done

I'm arriving at the party after
the cops have busted it up
The once boisterous laughter
Now has sobered up
And the night is getting late
and I'm running out of time
postpone the fun for a different date
when I can be a part of the crime

The record skips playing the same song
and radio plays the same four
Happy, gangsta, Party, then everything is wrong
I don't feel the radio waves penetrating very deep
My bones are unaffected, I want to be a sheep

I didn't sleep well last night. I wrote my paper and got to class early to hand in my less than mediocre attempt to report on Dadaism. My mind is filled with anxiety and I feel like things are falling apart. I hope I am wrong.

What is it that one should do when locked in a basement forcing themselves to do homework while their girlfriend is out having fun with her friend because they are smothering her?
What am I to do? I have no friends of my own here, no money for booze and lack the courage to go out. I don't know how to meet people sober and sobriety has been the one constant lately.
I am depressed right now, I feel like the girlfriend's want for space will lead to the same conclusion of the ex-wife's need for space. That result is her on someone else's penis and me left feeling inadequate and useless.
If I had a job I would at least have an escape, but with no DL and no money to get it back, plus bad credit from a divorce and the result of it to my financial being I am left with no one wanting to hire me.
I graduate in 2 weeks with my BA, and I can't find a damned job anywhere here, even though they are all over.
Hi my name is JT, I become a broke-ass loser that sits in his parents basement on a friday night trying to hold in the thoughts of gratuitous bodily harm, my security blanket I suppose. In the old days I would get depressed and put a cigarette out on my arm or something like that. Not anymore, I may not be much more sane but I know enough not to do that stupid and idiotic stuff again.
well I don't know how and if anyone would respond to this I just needed to get it out there.

JT

I spent all day walking looking for work
All this rejection is starting to hurt
And I can't seem to get the radio out of my head
I got a negative signal pushing me to remember my debt

But when you get home from your job I got someone there
Who will lay with me in my underwear
But you say it's getting to be too much
You ned your space to be you instead of us

I got nothing else to do
than hang around with you
I know this economy sucks
But I'm getting overplayed
Like the next hit track being made
I'm sorry I'm such and annoying ****

I spent all day doing homework so I'll do more tonight
And every time I talk to you we fight
I've seen this scene once before
It end with you with someone else and me calling you a whore

But when I'm with you I don't worry about that
And I don't mind I'm eating too much getting fat
I hate that I got no one else to hang with
But go a head and have fun being a *****


I am so sorry
I didn't mean to say that
I am so sorry
I really want you back
I am so sorry
Let's please make up
I am so sorry
Can we forget about it and ****

This party is over
Time to start the process again
Give our love reverence
This time it wont end up as friends
Perhaps I should've seen the signs
I've just gotten too old
messages on blue lines
I feel you've gotten cold

And at least this time I have
new break up songs to drink to
New break up songs to cry to
A new person to curse when things go wrong
An anger renewed
So do what you do
I didn't mean to get in the way
Just one last question
What is wrong with me.

I'll let you go
I wont fight this time
Just sit by myself
Move away move on be fine
The sand is calling
The blue waters and waving me in
My search for happiness all for nothing
but here it goes again

is it starting to grow cold already it's hard for me to tell
am I just paranoid of the things that you don't share
is the consequence of my ineptness you leaving
I don't know how to stop myself from believing I'm not breathing

I have been swimming with sharks for so long that I
Can't help but be afraid of being bitten
My wounds aren't healing bleeding leaving a trail and I
wonder what happened to you being smitten.

I just want communication, a whisper is all that it takes
I'm tired of this frustration, wondering what else is fake

I don't want to turn back, fall back into
what I once became

there is nothing more I'd love than you loving me
My aching heart aches for you to heal me
But I can't expect you to fix my sinking ship
I am dangling off the ledge and I feel my fingers slip
perhaps i need, to get a grip

Hold me close and lie in to my eyes
When you leave me shut off your phone and you'll never hear my cries
I just expect the worst from every relationship
who could love me, you say you love me but I see my self in the mirror I don't buy it

The weather freezes my bones to the marrow
And the older I get the more my vision gets narrow
I feel like the jaded old man I swore I'd never be
washed up, used up, un-drugged up and angry

I have become the flaccid phallic symbol
once proud and hopeful to find some place to belong
I never noticed I was inches from an asshole
And I never found a place be because I wasn't that long

But the sex never mattered to the one that left me
and I know I should believe you when you say you are happy
I wish i could kill the uncertainty she left inside me
I mean it when i say it to you, and I hope you mean it when you say you love me.

Let it go, I think I should
stop harboring this anxiety
A silent house misunderstood
Sometimes silence can mean your free

But it gets cold in december
when the land lord doesn't give you heat
and the woman you want is away
so I sit with a control in my hand and play

My hair is as sparse
as the jobs around this place
Pretty soon if I don't get it together
I'll never be able to put, a smile on my face.

don't give up says the cricket
Life isn't life until you've lived it
A catchy harmony is sung
forget the wrong things you've done
It is time I moved on

Another holiday I expect
heartbreak disappointment
another menthol cigarette
An "I love you" in my lament
am I just crazy or am I still damaged

Hang from that Christmas tree I stare at a gun
my feet cant touch so I can't run
santa clause with a grim grin
He didn't want cookies he wanted gin
So I think I'll hang here on this cross

Now who is the martyr
I am what I have become
self sacrifice for no one
am I the martyr you've been looking for
behind the pews picture on your glass door
God Bless me everyone

My selfish life will lead to disappointment
Or a presidential pardon
but my diaper has give me a rash won't somebody wipe my ass
I've been a baby look at what i've done
I guess it's time to move on

I guess she loves me for what I am
and for what i could be
and when i am with her
I am almost always happy
but then I think about those
who have walked the path be for me
how am i the one she chose
what if she tells me in bed I am boring

Masculinity unfortunately
is tied so closely to sex
It isn't the holding and poetry
It's how well I please her breasts
I know I don't got the biggest
she says there is such a things as too big
I want to be number one; the best
I'm number three instead

But She tells me that she loves me
and she hasn't said that in so long
In spite of all my insecurities
in spite of all of my flaws

So i strive to be better
and to not be so bitter about the past
I don't want the sex to get mundane
I don't want to come too fast

and as she shivers once
I think that's not enough she probably want more
But I feel so useless
i don't want to be thrown out her door

The last one that left complained
two times isn't as much as three
And i've never been the best in my life
at anything
So I'm striving trying to out pace the ghosts
while trying not to meet their demise
cause while I love ****ing her
I do it because of the way i get lost in her eyes.

I am working on my personal site and still have a long way to go on it. I need to animate it more and add sound. But let me know what you think.

www.jtstrang.com

JT

I do not like what I've become
listless in life feeling dumb
Time to put away all my toys
The loud noise they make leave most annoyed

I hear your stories from your past
The three women and the guys who didn't last
You say I'm wonderful but I can't help think
what If something better comes along and are you really pleased?

I feel inadequate I feel so useless
You tell me I'm just wonderful when we kiss
But I've heard this song before; I was left feeling dumb
And when she walked out the door to some guy who made her cum
in a way I never could.
I'm so sorry for what I've become
Selfish and insecure when all you've show me is love

When I hold you at night I wonder when it will end?
What if you fall again for your baby's dad?
If he gets his **** straight, stays out jail and gets a job
Shaves twice a day and says he loves you because he found god

I am so sorry baby, I don't believe in all that you do.
I don't have anything against religion; like the the kind you do
I just can't put my faith in something that fails
I can't believe in fairy tales
But I hope you know I almost believe in you.
Right now I put my faith in you.

A god sits above and laughs at our singing when we sing his songs
A woman on her knees pleasing her man he says she doing it all wrong
It always seems to me that we amuse the things that have power over us
The whole time we just look for acceptance and give in to their power lust

I guess it gets lonely and meaningless without something to worship.

But I guess I don't need a god I see more beauty in the human spirit.

Your god's are getting old
and I'm getting bored
Religion has been bought and sold
Religion is something I just afford

Not Trying to play daddy, but I also don't want to be "confusing male figure" I don't want to get in between the father and his child. I told Angie that he should have to pay child support and if he can stay out of jail and be a good influence on little Alex's life then yes he should get a chance to be a father. I also worry for the kids safety because when he was loosely involved he left him crying with a dirty diaper for a couple hours, before she left him early on after the baby was born.(He was in jail during the birth) I am not trying to be daddy, but I worry about things.