very nice, well said

when my girlfriend and i broke up, the last thing she said to me was "you will never find anyone else like me". Thank god for small favors.

my girlfriend came home one day, packed a bag of clothes and said she was leaving me, i said "oh sure, now you want to do me a favor."

my girlfriend and i split up, we had a dis-agreement over sexual positions. My favorite sexual position was doggy style, and hers was with another mother fu*ker.

my girlfriend and i re-invented doggy style, I sit up and beg, she rolls over and plays dead.

I nick named my girlfriend "tornado" cause when she comes over there's alot of sucking and blowing and when she leaves my car disappears.

*words of advice-- if you hit your girlfriend/wife it's domestic violence, if you have a friend come over and hit her, it's only simple assault.

my girlfriend passed away last week, i didn't even realize it until i noticed the dishes had piled up.

I was very particular when i chose my kids mom, I wanted to be comfortable with who my kids spend the weekend with.

my girlfriend and i both got life insurance, now it's just a waiting game.

it wouldn't be much of a fight, they would throw around insults go to a commercial break then continue to say real mean things, then chis mathews would leave and kill himself. so whats nancy grace's body count now?

lol, i feel your pain, just the sound of her voice makes people wanna commit suicide.

Sublime- what I got http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Uc3ZrmhDN4&feature=channel


Sublime- waiting for my ruca
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I8fhyBbkzOg

1)It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. "No" says the neighbor. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?" The neighbor says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married." "Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. That's terrible... But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head. "No,” he says. “They're all at the funeral."


2)A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says "What the hell was that all about?"


3)On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they’ll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, "What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob." All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says "Don’t forget the coffee!"


4)A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words." The guy replies, "Hey, why not?" He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paint…my…house."


5)A guy enters a bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, "Here’s a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks." The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It's a woman. "I'll give it a try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."


6)A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That’s not surprising," the elders say. "You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here."


7)Two Irish guys are fishing. The first guy reels in his line and sees that he's snagged an old bottle. As he's taking it off the hook, a genie pops out and promises to grant him one wish. "Turn the lake into beer," he says. The genie goes "Poof!" and the lake turns into beer. He says to the other guy, "So what do you think?" The other guy says, "You jerk. Now we've got to piss in the boat."



8)I celebrated thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.


9)I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. "Well, there's so much to live for!" "Like what?" "Well... are you religious?" He said yes. I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?" "Christian." "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant ? "Protestant." "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?" "Baptist" "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?" "Baptist Church of God!" "Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you reformed Baptist Church of God?" "Reformed Baptist Church of God!" "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off. (Emo Philips)


10)A guy tells his psychiatrist: ‘It was terrible. I was away on business, and I emailed my wife that I’d be back a day early. I rushed home from the airport and found her in bed with my best friend. I don’t get it. How could she do this to me?" "Well," says the psychiatrist. "Maybe she didn’t see the email."


11)Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing. St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight. It reaches the green. Jesus is up next. He slices it. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street. Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a lilly pad at the edge of a lake. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog. As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the ball. It’s in the hole. Saint Peter looks at Jesus, exasperated. "Are you gonna play golf?" he asks "Or are you just gonna f*<k around?"


12)A Jewish grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea. She pleads, "please God, save my only grandson. I beg of you, bring him back." And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new. She looks up to heaven and says: "He had a hat!" (Myron Cohen)


13)A Jewish man is walking on the beach when he discovers a bottle containing genie. He rubs it and a genie comes out, promises to grant him one wish. He says, "Peace in the Middle east, that's my wish." The genie looks concerned, then says "No, I'm sorry, that's just not possible. Some things just can't be changed. Do you have another wish?" The guys says 'Well...for my whole life I've never receievd oral sex from my wife. That would be my wish." The genie pauses for another moment and then says "How would you define peace?"


14)I went to the psychiatrist, and he says "You're crazy." I tell him I want a second opinion. He says, "Okay, you're ugly too!"


15)A father is explaining ethics to his son, who is about to go into business. "Suppose a woman comes in and orders a hundred dollars worth of material. You wrap it up, and you give it to her. She pays you with a $100 bill. But as she goes out the door you realize she’s given you two $100 bills. Now, here’s where the ethics come in: should you or should you not tell your partner?"


16)Last night I went to a 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He goes: "Not in a row!"


17)I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it "Do not eat if seal is broken." So I opened up the box, and sure enough..


18)I failed my driver’s test. The guy asked me "what do you do at a red light?" I said, I don’t know… look around, listen to the radio..


19)I went to a fight the other night and a hockey game broke out.

20)I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said. "No. I hate myself now."

1)This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What’s WRONG with me, Doctor!?”
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain’t nothing wrong with your eyesight….”


2)Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.


3)A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That’s not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That’s it.”


4)Relationships are hard. It’s like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks’ notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.


5)A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. ‘You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?’ she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, "oh no hon, I took out a puerto rican for this baby!"


6)My girlfriend said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, "babe, I don't think they were teaching you how too swim, and your dad admitted he was disappointed you did."


7)In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?


8)I went to the 30th reunion of my preschool. I didn’t want to go, because I’ve put on like a hundred pounds.


9)A word to the wise ain’t necessary. It’s the stupid ones who need the advice.


10)There’s only one difference between Catholics and Jews. Jews are born with guilt, and Catholics have to go to school to learn it.

1)Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his cell phone and calls emergency services.

He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?"


2)PATIENT: "Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum."
DOCTOR: "I've got some cream for that."


3)A patient says, "Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip. I was having dinner with my mother-in-law and wanted to say: 'Could you please pass the butter?' But instead I said: 'you f**kin B**ch you have completely ruined my life."


4)A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow! That is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man."

The other man replies, "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."


5)TEXAN: "Where are you from?"
HARVARD GRAD: "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions."
TEXAN: "OK - where are you from, jackass?"


6)A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen." The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "That driver just insulted me!" The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off! Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."



7)When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 degrees Celsius. The Russians used a pencil.


8)A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof." The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price." The dog replied, "But that would make no sense at all!"

I just noticed this, my favorite part of this is this quote.

“She seems to know an awful lot more about this case than even Casey [Anthony],” said Dick Surelock, a detective working on the case, who spoke on a condition of anonymity.

nice name drop huh? so much for anonymity.

ORANGE COUNTY, FL – In a stunning move by the Orange County Sheriff’s Department, CNN fixture and self-described legal analyst Nancy Grace has been named a person of interest in the murder of Florida toddler Caylee Marie Anthony.
'Tot Mom' mom herself a murderer?

'Tot Mom' mom herself a suspect?

“She seems to know an awful lot more about this case than even Casey [Anthony],” said Dick Surelock, a detective working on the case, who spoke on a condition of anonymity.

“It’s a high-profile case, and sometimes that means high-profile suspects.”

Chunk Mullets, a spokesman for the Casey Anthony defense team, lauded the announcement.

“It’s about time. It’s like we been saying all along: Casey’s innocent. Woo ha!”

FBI profiler and author of the best-selling true crime series “Everyone’s A Serial Killer Sometimes”, Hannibal Bundy isn’t surprised.

“Killers often like to share intimate knowledge of their crimes with the public. It gives them a sense of empowerment as well as a forum where they can bounce their ideas off others. They love feedback, particularly from the media. In Nancy’s case, we see someone who is already a part of the media and thus, even more empowered and awash in feedback.”

Suspicions were first raised when Grace began spending the majority of her show covering the popular Florida murder. Grace garnered ‘person of interest’ status once her show became a seemingly non-stop source of information unknown to police.

“Ms. Grace’s obsession with Caylee, coupled by the constant praise of her own offspring, could be a sign of an outward projection of deep-seeded guilt,” said Bundy, who cautioned the analysis was purely speculative.

“I can’t know the true source of her pathology unless I have her on my couch.”

“So to speak,” he was quick to add.

Meanwhile, Grace is expected to meet with detectives in Orlando sometime next week.

Grace, best known for her breathlessly accusatory verbal screeds on overly-hyped legal cases, could not, surprisingly, be reached for comment.

However, a source close to the hawk-nosed harlot of hyperbole claims Grace is “delighted to be visiting Orlando.”

“She can’t wait to return to the scene, um, I mean, Sunshine State, where she vacations from time to time.”
VN:F [1.9.4_1102]

Q:What does Nancy Grace and a beautiful young woman, with a gorgeous body, a very intellectual mind, and an all around good nature have in common?

A: Not a fuc*in thing!


Q:why does nancy grace "poof" her hair up before each show.

A: because if she slicks it back her horns still show.


Q:whats the difference between nacy grace and a bucket of ****?

A:the bucket.

Q:how do you get nancy grace to commit suicide?

A:you don't! she gets you to commit suicide!

Have you ever wondered how this woman, who looks like the first contestant eliminated in a fake reality show called “Bitch Island,” got her own televised platform in which to figuratively jizz on the face of all Americans? The story starts in a motel room in Reno, NV and ends on the day the Columbia exploded. Look it up yourself.

Nancy Grace has a library like the one in that scene from Beauty and the Beast, where Belle freaks out because of all the books. Thing is, Princess Grace's stacks hold 666,666 copies of the 1998 Baltimore Orioles Yearbook, because she can't read anything.

Nancy Grace has had an odd number of sex changes.

So there was one year, 1998, where Nancypants spoke exclusively in metaphors drawn from the board game Monopoly. Like, she attended an execution and was shouting "Do not collect $200!" the entire time. Or she would refer to the commission of a double homicide as “rolling doubles.”

Nancy Grace's husband is named David Linch. Of course, she thought she was marrying David Lynch. Not that David Lynch.

Nancy Grace has a hammock made out of a precious pterodacyl wing. Her motto is "If it ain’t Christian, sleep on it."

Yes, Nancy "Sweaterburn" Grace has visited a psychiatrist. At first he told her she had a severe borderline personality disorder, potentially resulting from a minor neuralgia. By the end of the session, the self-starter had convinced him that she was the only truly healthy person around, as well as a reincarnation of someone muscular. The doctor ended up admitting that he was a "kook and a bully" and that his mother wasn't really in the holocaust. Nancy did confess, however, that she's terrified of one thing and one thing only: her own breasts.

"Born in the USA," performed by New Jersey native Bruce Springsteen, was accidentally composed by one Nancy Grace, nee Nixon-Goebbels, while falling from a mechanical bull. By the way, Nancy Grace practices her character assassination on a) animals, b) children.

"Self Portrait," oil on canvas, 1978, N. Grace: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Jean_Paul_Laurens_Le_Pape_Formose_et_Etienne_VII_1870.jpg

Nancy Grace has a vanity social security number. She misspelled the words “scandal” and “heroin” on her resume.

After recovering from all that vomiting, statisticians have concluded that viewers of Ms. Grace's show encounter the following words most often: “a,” “the,” “grace,” “but,” “fancy,” “nancy,” “unforgivable.”

Keep in mind also that Nancy Grace has referred to the Baltimore Orioles as “The Taliban of the Potomac.” She went on to explain that she was currently ****ing three or four “Marines.”

Some guy once made the terrible mistake of asking Nancy Grace what person, living or dead, she most wanted to interview. Nancy Grace’s formative years were spent in a Gravitron.

Nancy Grace has tried, every July 4, to sneak into the US Patent Office and rewrite the 2nd verse of "Amazing Grace" so that it paints her in a more positive light. Some phrases Nancy Grace takes literally: dog-eat-dog, death by chocolate, windows to the soul, the south will rise again.

Nancy Grace has a Pete Sampras tattoo. There are Holocaust Deniers, and then there are Holocaust Reliers.

Once some street scum asked Nancy Grace if she wanted to play "8 ball." Whatever happened to them and their parents, police say a conviction is "not likely."

Guess what Nancy Grace, honoris causa, did with a cell phone that would, if it were fathomable, be illegal in 48 states. You're right.

What’s the penalty, if any, for superimposing Jon Bon Jovi’s face on the Stars and Stripes and then using it to wipe your own ***? Because Nancy Grace’s “lawyer” needs to know.

Nancy Grace has four diplomas: two in crayon, one Ducktales, one in Hebrew.

Ever notice that the Nancy Grace Justiceathon is never broadcast on Sunday? Turns out the award-nominated broadcaster has some strong religious beliefs, and most viewers don't understand German.

Nancy Grace’s much-vaunted “bloodless revolution” was neither bloodless nor a revolution.

Moments of levity on the NG show? Once when she couldn't stop talking about a hilarious new comedy she saw. It was a documentary on the Battle of Midway. Grace's favorite color is called "Enola Gray."

Nancy Grace has a pterodactyl dildo. Remember when singer-songwriter Michael Jackson died? That mo(u)rning, Nancy Grace had planned to gather “all the heroes” in a minor-league ballpark outside Atlanta. Then she was going to get up and sing a song that had the tune of the national anthem but the lyrics of “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun.”

Oh, she went ahead with those plans.

How many exorcisms do you think Nancy Grace has attended? It might help you to know that this is her homepage.

Nancy Grace thinks that children are angels, creeps are the devil, and she’s a unicorn. She once called Vice President Al Gore a “spex criminal.”

Only three homo sapiens have ever performed miracles in anger: Terry Bradshaw, St. John the Baptist, and Nancy Grace. Nancy Grace once woke up as/with a mascot.

Nancy Grace has 'pitched' for a kickball team called The Gospel According to Luke. She also adopted a highway. It died.

The thing about Nancy Grace is that she has a three-page MS Word Document titled “Victims List.” The grammar of that title is as ambiguous to us as it is to you. One of the names on the list is “Henry Kissinger.” Another is “The Grand Canyon.”

Nancy Grace once burned a document, "To Be a Mother, Pros & Cons.”

Speaking of Michael Jackson, did you guys know that he owned (or at least made) a 60,000-piece jigsaw puzzle that, when assembled properly, portrayed a happy family except all nude? It’s the only thing Nancy Grace has ever referred to as “art.”

Nancy Grace invented an ice cream flavor called "Carnival Clown Tuesdays." Every morning Nancy Grace shouts for about an hour into a new empty mason jar and then quickly puts a lid on it. She thinks if she breaks them all at once her dead grandmother will hear it.

Literally no one who's eaten dinner with Nancy Grace has finished his meal.

We heard Nancy Grace refers to her womb as “the mercy seat,” and that sometimes, when the offer's right, she serves as some sort of surrogate death chamber for women who want all abortion and no fat.

Manager of the New York Yankees Joe Girardi, 44, refuses to watch Nancy Grace's Hour of Shout, citing high blood pressure and a pleasant childhood.

THERE WAS A HORRIBLE RUMOR THAT NANCY GRACE HAS TIES TO SATAN, AND I INTEND TO PROVE THAT THIS HORRIBLE, NASTY, CRUEL DEMEANING RUMOR, IS ACTUALLY FACT.


Nancy and her sister in Jesus
ColbericanAdded by Colberican

Nancy Grace is a mean prosecutor turned CourtTV talk show host who is not a lesbian, amen. In fact, she has been known to have sex with Rob Corddry who is kind of like a man. Like a man? Yes, close enough. She also can make people commit suicide just by merely interviewing them, Nancy can read the mind of a demon. She is a committed Christian and condemn all you liberals to hell to burn for eternity.

Nancy knows you did it. Don't even try to lie to her. Confess! Confess!

Nancy Grace's first ever claim to fame is that she was the one who made up the story and pointed fingers which led to the Salem Witch Trials of 1692. In court, she faked a trembling type of orgasm, which she learned to imitate after eavesdropping on and peeping into a couple of married neighbors who lived in a holey log cabin.

Nancy Grace has a deep connection with the Original Sin. It is thought that by communicating with the Original Sin by using her gut, she is able to find out the sins committed by others with great degree of truthiness. This rare power allows her to become a successful prosecutor in the courtroom until the liberal judges banish her for her use of truthiness.

Nancy's special kind of vigilanteism has created a cult-like following for the shrinking violet.

Housewives across America are abandoning The Oprah viewing habits of their youth in exchange for the many froth-inducing Nancy Grace cable programs. They call themselves, "gracehounds".

The devil has found a way to our hearts. It is through Nancy Grace. It would be most satisfying to think that Nancy Grace could be the devil, but she is merely an instrument of the devil, probably the greatest current American spawn. A wolf in sheep's clothing, if you will, only worse. If there was one great invention of the devil to penetrate our hearts and souls, it would be the invention called Nancy Grace.

Gracehounds have been advised by Catholic priests to recite the Apostle's Creed, prior to watching Nancy Grace. This is similar to the recitation of the Apostle's Creed prior to the use of the Ouija Board. The purpose of this required exercise is so that no malevolent entity or spirit would linger in the house, nor a portal from hell be left open to haunt unsuspecting humans in the house after the show is over or the television channel has been changed.

Nancy believes America should do away with the costly annoyance of "trials". Often, defendants at these proceedings are actually found not guilty. Well if they aren't really guilty, then why were they on trial! Answer THAT! Huh, smart guy!

Miss. Grace believes we should bring the principles of truthiness to the criminal justice system. If someone seems guilty, they probably are!

When not appearing on her show, Ms. Grace tends to rape puppies. John Stewart has an open challenge for all to prove otherwise. It will be intereting to see if she read the new religious satire that heavily lampoons her? Entitled "Sex with THE Virgin Mary" by Charles Webb from thekickasspress.com and sold my Amazon.com. Nancy runs the TV side of a large fraud trial of a man accused of selling worthless rights to living men to go to heaven and 'deflower' the Blessed Mother.

Rumors started in August 2007 stating that Nancy somehow became pregnant! Perhaps it was due to one of her puppy rapes. In any case, that puppy would clearly be more manly than Rob Corddry. Puppy, you're doin' a heckuva job!

Miss Grace is expecting a litter of at least two. Update: It has come to pass that she has spawned twins.

Parenting for Nancy Grace is like a game of Jenga. It is a competition where only one wins and the rest topple like blocks.

At the same timeframe when the US-backed Isreali forces where conducting airstrikes on Gaza in Jan. 2009 and 1400 civilians died (1/3 were innocent terrorist women and children), Nancy put her priorities where the story was at. She started the 24 hour "Where's Caylee?" channel...a true investigative journalist. If a group of arabic people die, nothing new there...If a little WHITE girl goes missing, SOMEONE BRING IN THE NATIONAL GUARD AND CSI!!

GOD BLESS AMERICA!!!

When calling Nancy Grace, it is important that you mention how God loves her to have been blessed with children, after which you must pause to allow Nancy Grace to fawn over your personal concern and self-serving tribute to her proven fertility and a sidetrack type of insinuation that she is not frigid, and is indeed useful to a spouse.

At the mention of praise about her twins, watch the television screen as she contorts a plastic smile to show the viewers that she is sincerely touched. Angels of Death have yet to learn honest human reactions.

After any initial greeting, or acknowledgement, it is important that one adds the line, "I hope it's not a sin to enjoy your show, because I know that you will personally burn in hell."

Her consistency in judgment and finality in damning people to her place of origin, maintained from show to show, proves great competency.

Only a Angel of Death can endure to pass out rhetoric with joie de vie for as long as a court trial can stretch.

Only an expert talk show host can drive guests to suicide.

LOL, call me old fashioned, but there is no substitute for the real thing. Well, I mean there are substitutes lol but none that provide the same gratification. And if there is a substitute that provides the same gratification, (minus the relationship problems) I am missing out.

my girlfriend recently asked me if i would be interested in trying phone sex, since we are away from eachother so much. I told her "hon, I appreciate the effort your your putting into our relationship to keep things exciting, but i'm pretty sure the holes would be too small."

POLICE INTERROGATION (the wrong way)
--------------------

Q:who are you?
A: A trouble maker, who has no respect for the law.

Q:Are you screwing with me?
A:No! wait, YES!..no, no i'm not. Ok yes, Yes I'm sure that i am.

Q:are you aware of your rights?
A:yes, and I've noticed my lefts too.

Q:why did you run from the police?
A:because they chased me.

Q:have you ever been known by any other names?
A:yes. my children call me,dad. my parents call me,son. my girlfriend calls me Babe, or @sshole. and bill collectors call me, 3 or 4 times a day.

Q:where were you two nights ago?
A:in the past.

Q:when is your birthday?
A:july, 1st.

Q:what year?
A:every year.

Q:what is your social security number?
A: 4

Q:where do you live?
A:on the corner

Q: on the corner where? are there street signs?
A:yes, and according to the signs, i live on the corner of walk and don't walk.

Q:do you abuse drugs?
A:NO! I am very nice to them.

Q:what is your drug of choice?
A:hmmm... I'm not picky.

Q:have you ever been to rehab?
A:NO! my daddy didn't raise a quitter!

Q:what do you do, when a blond throws a grenade at you?
A:pull the pin, and throw it back.

due to political correctness we have been forced to glorify the most simple of jobs, in an effort not to over simplify a persons duties.

Janitors are no longer called janitors. They are now referred to as "Masters of the Custodial Arts."

Stewardess's are now "flight attendants."

rodeo clowns are now "diversionary Experts."

drug dealers are now "fundraisers"

garbage men(women)are now "sanitary engineers"

murderers are now "population control consultants"

greenskeepers are now "botanical reduction artists"

(LMFAO) I couldn't agree more.

wow, ya gotta appreciate the honesty.