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| Topic: DOMINANT vs. submissive, which one are you? | |
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I think in most happy relationships, the rolls my change from time to time given the circumstances. Maybe I don't clean things around the house the way she'd like. So, in that area she may dominate (or nag me about it LOL). But, she doesn't know the first things about maintaining a car. So, I'd be the one in charge of that area. Each one giving control to the partner with the greater expertise in a given area. They're still equal partners. But, I still think there comes a point where one must submit and the other dominate. Otherwise, you'll reach an impasse and it's all over. I can appreciate your position, Scoundrel... it just amazes me that as soon as the words dominant and submissive are mentioned, defenses can go up, sides can be taken... when in every single relationship of any couple, there are unspoken roles we naturally follow that allows men to be dominant and women to be submissive... I dare say even in gay unions, there are dominant and submissive roles to be undertaken... and I don't understand why, as the generations have progressed and our cultures have evolved to where getting married isn't even the norm anymore, as women have become head of households, and men have been delegated to second class if they don't make enough money.. it's like that's what men have become in our society... a means to an end... they aren't leaders of our families who we rely on for affection, guidance and support.. me personally, I love being a woman who keeps my home in order the way I like it, and yet I still need my man to look after me, even while he let's me have my way, because he understands my complexity as a woman and knows that at times I do need his guidance.. and I'm not ashamed to admit it, or to proud to accept it when it's provided... I think gay couples are more honest about it. Among the ones I know they readily acknowledge one partner is the Dom and the other the sub. They recognize this is a component of a healthy relationship. It's only us straight couples that have these equality issues. |
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In traditional relationships each spouse seems to have an assigned "turf" or "domain." Everything is kept separate...In non-traditional relationships everything is open and free....There are no "turfs" or "territories" or lines drawn in the sand...I didn't wrap my identity around being the "only cook" in the family or the only one who did laundry etc...My husband didn't wrap his identity around being the only "plumber" or mechanic in the family...Since we didn't "do turfs" we both felt free to venture into any area and it felt good to be part of a team and have company!...All of this seems perfectly normal to me. My parents had this type of marriage and their friends did too. But I guess it's not normal for everyone...Have to go now and do some "work." (Hard work but I'm pretty "tough!")...Thanks for the interesting discussion. I'll check back later. 
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I think in most happy relationships, the rolls my change from time to time given the circumstances. Maybe I don't clean things around the house the way she'd like. So, in that area she may dominate (or nag me about it LOL). But, she doesn't know the first things about maintaining a car. So, I'd be the one in charge of that area. Each one giving control to the partner with the greater expertise in a given area. They're still equal partners. But, I still think there comes a point where one must submit and the other dominate. Otherwise, you'll reach an impasse and it's all over. I can appreciate your position, Scoundrel... it just amazes me that as soon as the words dominant and submissive are mentioned, defenses can go up, sides can be taken... when in every single relationship of any couple, there are unspoken roles we naturally follow that allows men to be dominant and women to be submissive... I dare say even in gay unions, there are dominant and submissive roles to be undertaken... and I don't understand why, as the generations have progressed and our cultures have evolved to where getting married isn't even the norm anymore, as women have become head of households, and men have been delegated to second class if they don't make enough money.. it's like that's what men have become in our society... a means to an end... they aren't leaders of our families who we rely on for affection, guidance and support.. me personally, I love being a woman who keeps my home in order the way I like it, and yet I still need my man to look after me, even while he let's me have my way, because he understands my complexity as a woman and knows that at times I do need his guidance.. and I'm not ashamed to admit it, or to proud to accept it when it's provided... I think gay couples are more honest about it. Among the ones I know they readily acknowledge one partner is the Dom and the other the sub. They recognize this is a component of a healthy relationship. It's only us straight couples that have these equality issues. so sad, but so true... |
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AthenaRose...Well it's definitely important for a family to have enough income to survive. I can relate to this...My husband usually made more money than I did but we didn't base it all on who brought in the most...Work is work and we both came home tired. And this is why we both pitched in to shop and cook and get the chores done after work...When the chores were done we could both sit down and relax and enjoy the night together...My husband didn't want to sit around and "stick me" with everything. And I didn't want to "stick" him with everything either...We got things done fast when we both worked together and enjoyed being a "well-oiled team!"...Wages aren't always fair and equal in our country. Some people work very hard and don't get paid much. And other people have easier days and earn higher salaries. I really admire the relationship that you and your husband had, it truly sounds like one in a million... and it's a shame that all of us here on Mingle looking for new partners can't expect to find a relationship like the one you had, very easily... since I've been on dating sites I've heard more about people that have met on here, and didn't care for each other, or if they did hit it off at first, they broke up just as quickly, instead of the success stories we'd hope to be able to hear more about too... This is true, that is because many people aren't seeking what a Really relationship calls for. Imho |
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As for myself I would be and have been called dominate. I am an accountant so the finances, bill paying, and banking are run through me. Opposing that the spreadsheet records are a matter of public record for her to review and the checkbook is open all the time and balanced twice a month. No purchase over $50 is made without two yeah votes. Both partners have total veto power.
Domicile decorations, pets allowed, and standard placement of important utilities (the remote) are also subject to the I rule within the power of your veto rule. Personal hygiene, body decorations, and sex take on an importance beyond the rules of living together. Hair on the head = long, hair on the ***** = gone. Piercings (other than ears) = not. Tattoos that show = not. Of course this would have been discussed before any long term agreement is reached. I try to be open and flexible but I fear that I come across quite the dominate and controlling hard ***. I take care of my body and how I look, being showered, shaved, and well groomed daily naturally I expect my other half to be the same. |
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Ever since 50 Shades of Grey hit the market we’re occasionally touched on the various aspects of a submissive vs. dominant relationship. But I’d like to dig deeper into this mindset if you all feel comfortable talking about these issues, being forthright with your answers will be the only way to really see both sides clearly. And I know this topic might stir contention among our different beliefs and ways of life, but where there’s debate, new ideas can help us relate. I’ll begin by acknowledging that I have always been the submissive in a committed relationship, and it’s not because my dominant counterpart demanded this from me, but because I feel secure in my role and know what’s expected of me, which is... I bring an income into the relationship so that I am not totally dependent on my partner… I cook and clean and cater to his wants, desires, and needs… without complaining or nagging… I handle the bill paying… I buy the groceries and our clothes, both mine and his… I take care of all the animals brought home… I don’t argue, if he makes a point, I accept it…even though I’m the submissive, because I have earned his trust he gives me power within the relationship to make decisions about our financial dealings, including the handling and use of his income too, in other words, the dominant works, brings his paycheck home, grabs the remote, and comes and goes as he pleases... doing whatever he likes without my questioning him about where he’s going and what he does… granted, I already know what most of you are thinking about the way I handle things in a relationship, but being this way makes it possible for me to enjoy what I appreciate most… peace and happiness… and if my partner is satisfied with the way I treat him, he naturally wants to keep me satisfied in his own way too. Plus, what I’ve said so far is only part of what being a true submissive is really like, and I’ll only reveal more if this thread shows interest… So, are any of you willing to reveal your roles, and the expectations you have regarding your partners? Hey, this is a complicated question for most if thought thoroughly. For me it is so simple. Relationship is a compromise on all things. It is different when you are single-you are either of the 2. No in-betweens. So to me this thing called being submissive or dominant does not work/exist. It long existed in the dark ages. Not since |
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Edited by
AthenaRose2
on
Tue 02/19/13 10:44 AM
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AthenaRose...Well it's definitely important for a family to have enough income to survive. I can relate to this...My husband usually made more money than I did but we didn't base it all on who brought in the most...Work is work and we both came home tired. And this is why we both pitched in to shop and cook and get the chores done after work...When the chores were done we could both sit down and relax and enjoy the night together...My husband didn't want to sit around and "stick me" with everything. And I didn't want to "stick" him with everything either...We got things done fast when we both worked together and enjoyed being a "well-oiled team!"...Wages aren't always fair and equal in our country. Some people work very hard and don't get paid much. And other people have easier days and earn higher salaries. I really admire the relationship that you and your husband had, it truly sounds like one in a million... and it's a shame that all of us here on Mingle looking for new partners can't expect to find a relationship like the one you had, very easily... since I've been on dating sites I've heard more about people that have met on here, and didn't care for each other, or if they did hit it off at first, they broke up just as quickly, instead of the success stories we'd hope to be able to hear more about too... This is true, that is because many people aren't seeking what a Really relationship calls for. Imho devotion, understanding, patience, compromise, sacrifice, on both parts...   just to name a few...
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As for myself I would be and have been called dominate. I am an accountant so the finances, bill paying, and banking are run through me. Opposing that the spreadsheet records are a matter of public record for her to review and the checkbook is open all the time and balanced twice a month. No purchase over $50 is made without two yeah votes. Both partners have total veto power. Domicile decorations, pets allowed, and standard placement of important utilities (the remote) are also subject to the I rule within the power of your veto rule. Personal hygiene, body decorations, and sex take on an importance beyond the rules of living together. Hair on the head = long, hair on the ***** = gone. Piercings (other than ears) = not. Tattoos that show = not. Of course this would have been discussed before any long term agreement is reached. I try to be open and flexible but I fear that I come across quite the dominate and controlling hard ***. I take care of my body and how I look, being showered, shaved, and well groomed daily naturally I expect my other half to be the same. Radically dominant, you speak in a style I recognize, and adhere too, it's nice to meet you... 2Keith... 
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Ever since 50 Shades of Grey hit the market we’re occasionally touched on the various aspects of a submissive vs. dominant relationship. But I’d like to dig deeper into this mindset if you all feel comfortable talking about these issues, being forthright with your answers will be the only way to really see both sides clearly. And I know this topic might stir contention among our different beliefs and ways of life, but where there’s debate, new ideas can help us relate. I’ll begin by acknowledging that I have always been the submissive in a committed relationship, and it’s not because my dominant counterpart demanded this from me, but because I feel secure in my role and know what’s expected of me, which is... I bring an income into the relationship so that I am not totally dependent on my partner… I cook and clean and cater to his wants, desires, and needs… without complaining or nagging… I handle the bill paying… I buy the groceries and our clothes, both mine and his… I take care of all the animals brought home… I don’t argue, if he makes a point, I accept it…even though I’m the submissive, because I have earned his trust he gives me power within the relationship to make decisions about our financial dealings, including the handling and use of his income too, in other words, the dominant works, brings his paycheck home, grabs the remote, and comes and goes as he pleases... doing whatever he likes without my questioning him about where he’s going and what he does… granted, I already know what most of you are thinking about the way I handle things in a relationship, but being this way makes it possible for me to enjoy what I appreciate most… peace and happiness… and if my partner is satisfied with the way I treat him, he naturally wants to keep me satisfied in his own way too. Plus, what I’ve said so far is only part of what being a true submissive is really like, and I’ll only reveal more if this thread shows interest… So, are any of you willing to reveal your roles, and the expectations you have regarding your partners? Hey, this is a complicated question for most if thought thoroughly. For me it is so simple. Relationship is a compromise on all things. It is different when you are single-you are either of the 2. No in-betweens. So to me this thing called being submissive or dominant does not work/exist. It long existed in the dark ages. Not since 
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And for some women from reading these forums the sides never have to go up. They just want a man who can clean up after themselves. As matter of fact this advise was given to me this morning by my mother. She was telling me if I will just take a few minutes to clean up after myself that the mess doesn't have to escalate. I think I actually got my sarcasm from my mother. Cause we have have had some great chats.
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A submissive woman makes for a great target for abuse.
I would want a woman who would stand up for herself. I could be assured, she would have my back. In some of the relations I've had, when a woman was determined, she was dominant. In sex, if I'm doing her right, she is submissive. If she needs something I ain't doing, she will become dominant and take what she needs to get where she wants to be. Yes, I to can be a controlling, domineering a$$wipe. Class A's are just that way. I've been told often, I'd make a great Drill Instructor. It took a long time but, I learned to share roles and positions with the one I love. |
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I think in most happy relationships, the rolls my change from time to time given the circumstances. Maybe I don't clean things around the house the way she'd like. So, in that area she may dominate (or nag me about it LOL). But, she doesn't know the first things about maintaining a car. So, I'd be the one in charge of that area. Each one giving control to the partner with the greater expertise in a given area. They're still equal partners. But, I still think there comes a point where one must submit and the other dominate. Otherwise, you'll reach an impasse and it's all over. I can appreciate your position, Scoundrel... it just amazes me that as soon as the words dominant and submissive are mentioned, defenses can go up, sides can be taken... when in every single relationship of any couple, there are unspoken roles we naturally follow that allows men to be dominant and women to be submissive... I dare say even in gay unions, there are dominant and submissive roles to be undertaken... and I don't understand why, as the generations have progressed and our cultures have evolved to where getting married isn't even the norm anymore, as women have become head of households, and men have been delegated to second class if they don't make enough money.. it's like that's what men have become in our society... a means to an end... they aren't leaders of our families who we rely on for affection, guidance and support.. me personally, I love being a woman who keeps my home in order the way I like it, and yet I still need my man to look after me, even while he let's me have my way, because he understands my complexity as a woman and knows that at times I do need his guidance.. and I'm not ashamed to admit it, or to proud to accept it when it's provided... I think gay couples are more honest about it. Among the ones I know they readily acknowledge one partner is the Dom and the other the sub. They recognize this is a component of a healthy relationship. It's only us straight couples that have these equality issues. so sad, but so true... Maybe I'm just not understanding what you mean, but what's sad about equality? |
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Edited by
navygirl
on
Tue 02/19/13 12:53 PM
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I think most people don't understand the meaning of Dominant/submissive. Taking the lead is not the same. A Dominant person doesn't care what the submissive person wants. A dominant person will tell you who can be your friends, what to wear, what to eat, and you are treated like a second class citizen. Like Willing said; you are open to abuse. Definition of dominant: ruling, governing, or controlling; having or exerting authority or influence. That is not leadership; that is abuse. Definition of submissive: inclined or ready to submit; unresistingly or humbly obedient. If a guy was dominant; he would not be asking his girlfriend/wife/partner if he can go out with his friends; he just would; or would not discuss money matters with her; he would just spend it as he sees fit. A successful relation is not run on dictatorship but working together; therefore unless the person is controlled like a puppet; there is no Dominant/Submissive relationship. In relationships; no matter who makes the decision; there will be discussion or input from the other so how can one claim to be dominant? This whole term is not used properly when describing a relationship. One can lead or make decisions but that doesn't make him dominant; just a leader. A dominant person will never; I repeat never let their partner make a decision or have any input. I saw first hand this type of relationship with my mother and it was hell for her.
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I think most people don't understand the meaning of Dominant/submissive. Taking the lead is not the same. A Dominant person doesn't care what the submissive person wants. A dominant person will tell you who can be your friends, what to wear, what to eat, and you are treated like a second class citizen. Like Willing said; you are open to abuse. Definition of dominant: ruling, governing, or controlling; having or exerting authority or influence. That is not leadership; that is abuse. Definition of submissive: inclined or ready to submit; unresistingly or humbly obedient. If a guy was dominant; he would not be asking his girlfriend/wife/partner if he can go out with his friends; he just would; or would not discuss money matters with her; he would just spend it as he sees fit. A successful relation is not run on dictatorship but working together; therefore unless the person is controlled like a puppet; there is no Dominant/Submissive relationship. This whole term is not used properly when describing a relationship. One can lead or make decisions but that doesn't make him dominant; just a leader. No, what you describe in NOT a Dominate. What you are describing is domineering. The difference is vast. I good leader takes into account the needs of his/her follower(s). A person can be Dominate without being domineering. Submission is NEVER forced. Submission is a gift from a submissive that can be taken away at any time. A sub submits only to someone that has earned his/her respect. |
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I'm too aggressive to be submissive
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I'm dominate I like to throat **** my girlfriend then bend her over and pound her *****!
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I'm dominate I like to throat **** my girlfriend then bend her over and pound her *****! Gawd, I love the honest and dirct approach... I'm sure that you'll thrive here!!  (not for being honest or direct of course... your lusts will win the day.) |
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A Dom.
  
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A Dom. Nice to see you around.
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I think most people don't understand the meaning of Dominant/submissive. Taking the lead is not the same. A Dominant person doesn't care what the submissive person wants. A dominant person will tell you who can be your friends, what to wear, what to eat, and you are treated like a second class citizen. Like Willing said; you are open to abuse. Definition of dominant: ruling, governing, or controlling; having or exerting authority or influence. That is not leadership; that is abuse. Definition of submissive: inclined or ready to submit; unresistingly or humbly obedient. If a guy was dominant; he would not be asking his girlfriend/wife/partner if he can go out with his friends; he just would; or would not discuss money matters with her; he would just spend it as he sees fit. A successful relation is not run on dictatorship but working together; therefore unless the person is controlled like a puppet; there is no Dominant/Submissive relationship. This whole term is not used properly when describing a relationship. One can lead or make decisions but that doesn't make him dominant; just a leader. No, what you describe in NOT a Dominate. What you are describing is domineering. The difference is vast. I good leader takes into account the needs of his/her follower(s). A person can be Dominate without being domineering. Submission is NEVER forced. Submission is a gift from a submissive that can be taken away at any time. A sub submits only to someone that has earned his/her respect. What I wrote is the true definition of Dom and Sub. What most couples are doing are leading and following by cooperating. They are not Sub and Dom and its a misuse of both terms. |
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