(((Marie))) I called the Dr and he will see me thursday afternoon. They already did a CT the night it happened at the hospital and they said everything was good.

I went to the Dr in the first place because of this and ended up getting a full physical which was ok, since I havent had one in years, but he said he wanted to wait for my records from the hospital to see what they said. I cant wait that long.

They said if it gets worse, I can come back in, so I made the appt. Then yesterday a friend took me to drop off my car to the mechanic, then we went to the store came back dropped off the stuff and drove to the bank.

When he dropped me off I said we need to get the stuff out of the trunk. He told me we already had. He said I had been acting strange all day and that he noticed the difference. He knows what has been going on. This kind of stuff has been going on and getting worse by the week. I forget the month days years names times conversations people and what Ive said to them etc....scary

Well, that scared me so I called Dr and will ask for an MRI. If they cant figure out what is going on and it doest get better, I will have to sit this semester out.

Good news is that the car got the belt, coolant flush and service and no problem with the breaks, struts, or ait conditioner. I have air conditioning! Whoo hooo

With record 100's I finally have a car with air. No leaks just contaminated freon. They sucked it out and put fresh in and whoo whoo!

I might have some gage problems so I asked them to check it out and left the car there for them to check out. It could also be a sensor/s....

So Im happy about my car and discusted about my health. I really thought I was ok. Scared this might be a case of early alzhiemers. It does happen. So Ive taken to carrying a note book around with me. Ive had trouble with my memory for years, but nothing thi bad. Ive had a couple of strokes in my life so I just thought it was that. But this definately has somthing to do with my fall.

(((roy))) this reminds me of the saying, " never mistake my kindness for weakness" Keep up the good work!

Karen, sometimes with a head injury, the problems don't always show up on a CT done right away, may take a day or two to show up, that way with strokes too. Keep on the doc for the testing. I am worried about you my friend. You are the best `judge of what is going on in your body. You know what is normal and what is not. Make a list of all your` concerns and questions, especially since you are having memory problems, that way you won't forget anything important to tell him when you see him. Take care, I am keeping you in my thoughts.

Thanks, Karen. The nurse and other aides are helping me to deal with this resident. One of the aides was asking the resident if she really needed to hoard so many stryrofoam glasses. Her closets and dressers are filled with so much stuff. She is a real packrat. The aide was taking a lot of the styrofoam glasses out of her closets. Another resident we are finding another place for him to stay. His aggression towards women and just slapping the other female residents just couldn't be tolerated any more. We just had to keep other female residents away from him. They have rights, too. Sometimes when we stumble across the right medication for some of the residents it really make a difference. We found out last night that we are getting a raise. Last night one of our hispanic aides and me had a discussion. She was telling me that this one female resident was on my shower list. I was telling her that I would be glad to give the resident a shower if the resident would let me. She was telling the resident who protested about me being in the shower room with her that we are shorthanded. The resident remarked with, "You brought a man in here with us." The resident made my point for me. The hispanic aide then said ok that she didn't need me any more and that she would give the resident a shower. You can't punish them for being in their right mind. That is something that we try to encourage.

No air they messed up and now nothing works.....can't prove it. Have to take it all over the fukcing place to have all the thing swrong fixed and spending all my money.......wont be enough left to do what I wanted......assh0les

man i'm so godd@mned, ****ING tired of this ****....




is it right for my stepmother to blame ME for they're going into bankruptcy because she went out and bought a car she knew they COULD BY NO MEANS AFFORD........


she went to a car dealership and bought a van knowing there was no way in hell they could afford it......and a month later they surrendered (after my stepmother blamed me and my father for her buying it because we weren't there to stop her from signing the papers......)......now the bank that financed the van is suing her and my dad for the balance after it was auctioned off.....and the lawyer that is representing the bank is suing for attorney fees.....

but there is something i learned in group therapy as a child, you're responsible for your own actions......

and it's not like i held a gun to her head and made her sign those papers. she's done more financial damage to my dad than my mother did (and that's saying soemthing)









i started a thread in misc......just to vent and they think they know what goes on in my house.....f*ck it i knew letting things out only causes trouble...............some sh!t is better bottled until i explode.

(((amber))), sometimes, it is better to relax before you vent. I know it is hard. You have no idea the things I would love to vent, but this is the internet and you have to realize that not everyone is going to understand.

I know I have to check myself into the hospital soon. Freind of mines GF tried to commit suicide and he was chicken **** to call so I did. He told he and now she wants to kill me. Problem is that she is at the same facility I need to do my vol assement. I know they will keep me for a few days, but she is there till friday and she has been giving them hell. She is explosive and I cant go in if she is there. Yeah I know. She wouldnt know who I am but it wouldnt take a brain sergon to figure it out.

So I wait here. I have to get this **** taken care of with the car and money and house before I do anything anyway. They are supposed to let her out tomorrow.

I still have to let a freind take my car to have the air checked. He swears there is nothign wrong with it, and that if there is he can fix it. I hope so, but that means i cant do anything until after Monday at the very least.

I promised my Dr that I would check in if I got bad. Im bad. Real bad. Sighhhh

hey karen check this out.....i got this mood chart from a thread out of sparkpeople.com (weightloss support group site) out of the bipolar team.......you can tailor it to suit your self.....pretty neat.

it's a one to ten scale, ranging from severely depressed to severe rage
_________________________________
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

1 Severely depressed: need major help, do not leave alone: Crisis life line. (found in phone book for local hospital)

2 Depressed: I just need to cry it out hard. Feel free to leave with the kids, but call to check on me & remind me how much you love me & our beautiful kids I can usually pull myself out of this one, but it has to be me.

3. Some depression; mostly tired & exhausted. I need you to take over the kids. I may require at least an hour of alone time.

4. Discombobulated: Not depressed, but not happy. Mostly confusion & emotionless I may not know what’s bothering me so don’t force it out of me. Do not take anything personal, just let me be.

5. Content. I’m just here in the moment. I may not appear happy, but just be glad I’m not upset. Ok to make jokes. I may laugh a little, but don’t get mad if I don’t.

6. Happy & Content: Feel free to relax & get crazy. I will make jokes here & there myself or just be calm. I’m not too serious or too silly.

7. so HAPPY. I love me & I love you. Life is wonderful. These days are rare so take advantage.

8 Assertive: Happy, but bored. I may look for trouble & have a mean streak . I am irresponsible. Do not trust me, especially with money or fire, but do love me!

9 B!tch! There’s no winning. I’m sorry, but I cannot be reasoned with. Just be the better person & walk away, possibly with kids. But check in on me & don’t stay away all day. The more you try to reason with me or defend yourself, the harder I fight. I'm sorry, that's why I said *****.

10. Crazy Psycho. Scary anger. I will hurt you on purpose because I have so much anger for myself. Do not leave me alone. Call Neva ( my BF) or the hospital because your wife is bipolar & tempting to hurt herself

Depression...caused by so many things in life...affects everything...your social life, your work, your sleep, your stamina...every single thing..depression affects...one of the funniest things is that with the millions of people on this planet...it only takes one to turn ur world upside down, or rightside up...some people in the world are so cruel...

is it that hard for someone to understand?...Normally...a dog doesn't flinch when a hand comes near it...it's expecting to be pet...until somewhere down the line..someone hits the dog...creating a phobia...anytime someone comes near the dog..it flinches...when it has a new nice owner...it flinches because it's afraid and remembers it's past...but people don't understand...dogs get sad, dogs get mad, dogs cry...they don't want to be put to sleep and forgotten by the one they loved..is it that hard for someone to understand?...what could they possibly gain by kicking a dog while it's already down?...

Millions of people suffer from depression...including me...as the story of the dog is just me telling my own story of one of the things I'm going through right now and how I feel...

I said this before quite awhile back but I'll say it again, just being in the battle, continuing...striving to win...carrying on...we are incredibly strong to say we haven't given up yet...no matter how meaningless it seems at times..we still carry on...

we'll get our wings back some day =] ......

Good observation, AhaloAskewed. The dog that I used to have must have been mistreated before I got him because he flinched like that. Growing up I was very afraid of my father and used to flinched because of the way I was treated by him. I can remember him telling me not to flinch one time because he said if he was going to hit me that he was going to hit me and not to flinch. Growing up afraid of the one that has charge over you is growing up in fear. It is natural to fear some things and our emotions and feelings are there to help us. Now I see that his intention was to make a man out of me but then it was different. You have probably have heard the old cliche that the road to hell is paved with good intentions. He wanted me to be self-reliant and independent but like all things there is the extreme effect where too much is too much. I had an athiest friend on here that said that there are no absolutes. Case in point was last night for me. Our call lights are there for the resident who needs help and recently I have found like the nurse has explained to me that there are there for us aides if we need help with helping a resident. I was putting a resident in a shower chair. I was physically strong enough to put her in the chair by myself but because of her back she has trouble sitting up straight in one. I was smart enough to use the straps so she couldn't fall but wasn't smart enough to realize that if she slipped in the chair that to straighten her up in the chair that the chair would tip backwards even with the back brakes on. You have probably have heard that pride becomes before a fall. I always looked at that from the point of view of my fall but learned that it can cause me to cause the fall of others, too. I didn't let her fall because I realized my own limitation because of the limitation of the shower chair and the limitation of the resident and my own limitation. I really think I could design a better shower chair and I think there is a limit to how independent one can be. I am learning that I shouldn't try to do somethings by myself just like I wouldn't want other aides or residents to do somethings by themselves.

Sometimes, no matter how much you try to get past the flinch, you never really get past it. It made me grow up an untrusting soul, but my real nature is empathy. Hard to combine the two. I have been working on the pride thing. that is a hard one. All these things combined can make for a bit of a crazy personality.

I want to help but Im scared and if someone tries to help I push them away. I can't win. Don't tell me to go to therapy. Im sick of telling the same worn out story of my life and all the stupis ass things they say to do that are supposed ot help.

Just give me my meds, let me sleep and leave me alone. I let two people hurt me very badly lately. I have sent them both letters to leave me be and dont come around me.

I cant go into all the pariculars as they are too much to bear, but suffice it to say, I will have to learn to deal with this fo the rest of my life. The most recent at this time is the worst and i feel alone and discusted.

Life just can't be what we want it to be all the time. Unfortunately, bad things happen. Ive been told this is all my fault. So I will crawl under my blankie and try to sleep it off for as long as I can.

I feel so fukcing trapped.

good point trout...it's good to know when to accept help...if someone takes the time out of their life to help you, it must mean they think you are a person worth helping out..

I was never afraid of my father as a kid, actually he was like my best friend..we used to play guitar together..hang out and eat, he would even hang with me and my friends strange enough..then life got really complicated and he got sent to "the big house"...and a huge guilt overwhelmed me for never visiting him..and time ran out...he grew ill and very weak from cancer he didn't know he had, and suffered accidents that lead to his death last year..I was the one that had to make the decision to pull the plug or not..let him live a life as a vegetable, or be set free..

I was always afraid of my mom as a kid, she knew how to use a belt man, but I love them both..Life is strange..when you lose someone you care about..it takes a really long time to realize that they aren't there anymore..I had dreams about my father telling me to follow him, he was offering me to die with him and be set free, but I was happy in life at the time, things were getting better...is it luck that I had that dream at that point in my life?...had I had that dream now..I don't know If I'd still be here..maybe things do have their reasons..or perhaps things are...just what they are


I know you can't say everything thats goin on in ur life Karen, I'm sorry to hear you've been going through so much lately...I never liked going to "shrinks"...they make up some stupid fancy word to describe something they don't understand..and prescribe me an artificial emotion in pill form that my body will eventually grow tired of...

It's only your fault..if you truly believe it is your fault..don't listen to anyone else but yourself..

The only people we should have in our lives, are the people that fight for us to be in theirs...the love we withhold..is the burden we carry...

You'll find the key sooner or later Karen, and you will be able to unlock yourself from the room you are trapped in..hang in there..just put everything behind you..the past is called the past, because you have to get "past" it....until you can get past something..it will never be considered your past

I know you can do it

I had to make a similiar decision, Askewed when my wife passed and two months later when the new girlfriend passed. I had tried CPR on both of them to no avail. They both had massive heart attacks and the girlfriend had breast and brain cancer to boot. To change the past for me is impossible. I just have to deal with it like the hand that I was dealt. Today I look at a lot of stuff differently than what I used to but then it is because some of my ignorance I have overcome. Rage was a big part of the denial of some of the truth that I have had to face. The expectations of others for me and the expectations of myself of others is just that; Expectations. Unless I communicate those expectations I am just suffering from a wrongful conclusion that others should know where I am coming from. How can they know if I don't tell them? Like the incident with the shower chair I should have asked for help. Assuming that the person that I helped with another resident to get into a shower chair would just naturally return the favor by helping me to get another resident into a shower chair was just an assumed unrealistic expectation of mine. If she had had to ask for help so should have I. I will try to remember that from now on.

hey you guys.....i guess i better break the news now.....

i don't know when (but will be within the next 3-4) but i will be moving YET again....going back to my hometown.....parents are going bankrupt down here and will be going up north after everything is done......

so after i leave...i don't know when i'll be able to post on here.....as soon as i find out when all this is happenin i'll post

Okay, Amber. Keep us updated. I hope you are able to get moved okay and everything gets resolved.

most def roy....i'm doing some research for job opportunities in that area and i just found out that the community college there offers a degree in spanish interpretation (now if i combine that and office systems tech......:D) my passion is spanish

Good field to go into, Amber. We have two hispanic aides where I work. The younger one on days is more prolific with the english language than the older one who works swing shift. I try to help the older one like the younger spanish lady does. The older one trips less and less on the english language. I have found if I try to communicate with people even if the language is different it makes my job less lonely. That and I am a hopeless flirt. It is interesting when the younger one corrects the older one's use of english. The older sometimes gives this look like, "Huh?" and the younger one interprets the correction in spanish. Then we are looking at the younger one like, "Huh?" and she interprets back for us. And then it is like we all get it. The older one calls just about all of our gadgets, "The machine." It was funny one day when the older one told me that she doesn't like people who suck up. I thought man your english is getting better and she laughed.

lol one of my ex boyfriends was like that....his best friend and i were ALWAYS having to correct him.....

i've started a blog on blogspot.....if you the link, email me for it y'all


just my life and my quirks

That makes me think of when I was in Wichita State University and at that time one of the classes was called ESL or English as a second language. Being a confirmed redneck at that time one of my English teachers thought I should learn the English language since it was hard for her to learn redneck. It was like a dejavu because my fourth grade English teacher thought I should learn English because I spoke fluid hick.

i'm gonna post the link up here anyway


http://singleandstressed.blogspot.com


comments are welcome!!!!