A whole lot of those 6 foot *ssholes around here.

How are we suppose to know if we don't ask someone?

Feels great to make to make someone laugh.

nothing wrong with bringing back the good ones.
I've read jokes from the 1800s that put me in stitches.
So keep up the good work Txsgal3333.

Nice. I haven't heard that before and I concider myself well versed in jokology.

Good one dude. I'm new to this site but I already see that you are a prolific joke teller. my respects. Boxerpup

how many parts of the human body only have three letters? Ass is not one.

Hello people, I have been on this site for a few days but have just been hanging out in the joke forum. Humor is a huge part of who I am so I figured that would be a great place to start. So far so good but I've been told this is the best way to say hi. If you have a great sense of humor and don't take life or yourself too seriously then say hi back.

A Texas cowboy walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a male
pharmacist.

The elderly woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist.
She said that she and her widowed elderly sister owned the store and that
there were no males employed there. She then asked if she could help him
with anything in particular. The cowpoke said that it was something that he
would be much more comfortable discussing with a man.The female pharmacist
assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he
needed to discuss, he could do so with her and be confident that she would treat
him with the highest level of professionalism.

The old bronco-buster agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for
me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot
of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you
could give me for it?"

"The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."

When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length, and the
absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company
car, free room & board, and $3,000 a month plus living expenses."

This is for you Wicked

These two guys meet after not having seen each other
for many many years. The first guy asks the second guy,
"How have things been going?" The second guy - speaking
very s..l..o..w..l..y.. - tells the first guy, "I
w..a..s.. a..l..m..o..s..t m..a..r..r..i..e..d."
The first guy says in amazement, "Hey, you don't stutter
any more." The answer comes,

" Y..e..s, I w..e..n..t t..o a d..o..c..t..o..r..
a..n..d h..e t..o..l..d m..e t..h..a..t i..f
I s..p..e..a..k.. s..l..o..w..l..y I w..i..l..l
n..o..t s..t..u..t..t..e..r."

The first friend congratulates him and then asks again
about how he was almost married.

"W..e..l..l m..y f..i..a..n..c..e..e a..n..d
I w..e..r..e s..i...t..t..i..n..g.. o..n h..e..r
p..o...r..c..h a..n..d t..h..e d..o..g w..a..s
s..c..r..a..t..c..h..i..n..g h..i..s b..a..c..k
a..n..d I t..o..l..d h..e..r t..h..a..t w..h..e..n
w..e a..r..e m..a..r..r..i..e..d s..h..e c..a..n
d..o t..h..a..t f..o..r m..e a..n..d s..h..e
t..h..r..e..w t..h..e r..i..n..g i..n m..y
f..a..c..e.."

"Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?"
asks the first friend. " W..e..l..l I s..p..e..a..k
s..o s..l..o..w..l..y, t..h..a..t b..y t..h..e
t..i..m..e s..h..e l..o..o..k..e..d.. a..t
t..h..e d..o..g, h..e w..a..s l..i..c..k..i..n..g
h..i..s b..a..l..l..s"

While she was 'flying' down the road yesterday, a

woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with

a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with

that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love,

asked, 'What's your hurry?'

To which she replied, 'I'm late for work.'

'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'

I'm a rectum stretcher,' she responded.

The cop stammered, 'A what? A rectum stretcher?

And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'

'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger,

then work my way up to two fingers, then three,

then four, then with my whole hand in. I work

from side to side until I can get both hands in,

and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's

about 6 feet.'

'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot

asshole?' he asked

'You give him a radar gun and park him behind

a bridge.'

Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs;$55.00
Look on the Cop's Face -
PRICELESS!

Lawyers should never ask a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grand motherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why yes, I do know you Mr Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife and you manipulate people and talk about them behind thier backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.
Yes, I know you".

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr Bradley since he was a youngster too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him".

The defence attorney almost died.

The judge asked both attorneys to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice said "If either of you f..cking idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair!"

An old Arapaho, Charlie Two Shirts was fishing on a lake. He rowed in and tied up his boat. A game warden came by and looked at his catch. "Charlie.....how in tarnation did you catch these fish? This lake is not good for fishing!" Charlie said: "Mister game warden...it is an old Indian method. I show you!" They got in the boat and rowed out to a spot. Charlie opened his tackle box, took out a half stick of dynamite weighted with a rock, lit the fuse and tossed overboard. A few seconds later there was a muffled explosion underwater and shortly fish began to float to the surface belly up. The game warden said: "Charlie.....that's illegal! You can't fish with dynamite!' Charlie opened his tackle box again, took out another weighted half stick of dynamite, lit the fuse and handed it to the game warden. "Ok mister game warden are you gonna fish.....or talk?"

Mom-radar never fails

I didn't mean it honey,I think those jeans make your butt look SMALL!!!

Signed;Cyclops Dothead

Loose women and loose change. Niether make cents

All refunds are paid out in pennies so you feel short-changed

The following is a telephone exchange between you, as a hotel guest, and room-service in most hotels in almost any city in North America:

Room Service : "Morrin. Roon sirbees."
Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."
Room Service: " Rye . Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???"
Guest: "Uh..... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs."
Room Service: "Ow July den?
Guest: ".....What??"
Room Service: "Ow July den?!?... pryed, boyud, poochd?"
Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. scrambled, please."
Room Service: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"
Guest: "Crisp will be fine."
Room Service: "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"
Guest: "What?"
Room Service: "An toes. July Sahn toes?"
Guest: "I... don't think so."
RoomService: "No? Judo wan sahn toes???"
Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what you're saying."
RoomService: "Toes! Toes!...Why Joo don Juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"
Guest: "Oh, English muffin!!! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'...Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RoomService: "We bodder?"
Guest: "No, just put the bodder on the side."
RoomService: "Wad?!?"
Guest: "I mean butter... just put the butter on the side."
RoomService: "Copy?"
Guest: "Excuse me?"
RoomService: "Copy...tea..meel?"
Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... and that's everything."
RoomService: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin, we bodder on sigh and copy .. rye??"
Guest: "Whatever you say."
RoomService: "Tenjooberrymuds."
Guest: "You're welcome"
Remember I said "By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TENJOOBERRYMUDS' "
.....and you do, don't you?

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent." "One penny!?" exclaimed the guy. The barman replied, "Yes."

So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?" "Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "all that is just four cents" he replies. "Four cents?!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife." The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?" The bartender replies, "Same thing that I'm doing to with business"

Three men are standing in Hell. Satan comes up and says "today I have an offer. The one thing that sends you to hell can now save you from it."
" The man who can tell me the greatest lie will never have to worry about hell ever again. You will go back and live a long and happy life then go to heaven"

Man #1 takes a deep breath and says "I was a great musician and played before thousands of people every night, I lived in a palace and screwed 20 virgins every day and drove a gold Rolls Royce."

The Devil shook his head and sent the man to the flames.

Man #2 stepped up and said "I once stole the Hope Diamond and sold it for two tickets to the Super Bowl."

Satan laughed and said "pretty good but not good enough" and poof!! the man was engulfed in flames.

Man #3 said "look,I don't know what to say other than just tell you what happened to me that sent me here. You see, I was standing in front of my bosses club last night talking to some people when a black car drove by and someone threw a bomb out of the window.It was the most horrible thing you have ever seen.There was a body of a woman lying on top of a car. there was the body of a man lying in the street. There was a whole pile of bodies lying right where I was standing just a moment before."

Satan,who had gotten caught up in the story asked "So where were you lying?"


The man smiled up at the Devil and said " I was lying the whole Time."