A dog may piss on the carpet but it won't b*tch about cleaning it up all day long!!!!

Fourteen reasons men have more than one dog and not more
than one wife



1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see
you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's
name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your
point across.

6. You never have to wait for a dog - they're ready to go
24 hours a day.

7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, 'If I died,
would you get another dog?'

10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and
give them away.

11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without
calling you a pervert.

12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad.
They just think it's interesting.

13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

And last, but not least:

14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

A hillbilly family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their lives. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped.

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked "Paw, what's at?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seed anything like dat in my entire life; I ain't got no idea'rwhat it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular number above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 20 something year old blonde woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son,

"Boy ........... go gitcha momma..........

Q: How many women with MENOPAUSE does it take to change a light bulb?

Woman's Answer: One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the #&%!* light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATEDFROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE!AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES

THE TOILET PAPER ROLL !!

I'm sorry. What was the question?

I got this one from my sister. Thanks Sis!!

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around.. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee .Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

Nice retort 9cornerpocket.

if you had sex every day for a year, kept all 365 condoms, melted them down and made a tire out of the rubber. what would you call it?

ANSWER......A F*cking Goodyear!!!

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the
front door of a sex shop.
Obviously very unstable on her feet,she wobbles the
few feet across the store to the counter.

Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support,she
asks the sales clerk: "Dddooo youuuu hhhave dddddiilllldosss?" The clerk,
politely trying not to burst out laughing,replies:
"Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models."

The old woman then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee,
Tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aa bboutt ttwoo inchesss ththiickk...aaand
Rrunns by bbaatteries ? The clerk responds, "Yes we do."

"Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn ttthe

ssunoooffab*tch offffff?"

Recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex:





The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.

This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.






The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.

This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.







The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.

This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.






The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex.

This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you."






The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex

This means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.






The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex.

This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone






And last, but not least, the 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.

You get a little each month. But not enough to live on.

A Cowboy and his wife had just been married and went to a hotel for their honeymoon. The man went to the front desk and asked for a room.



He said, "This here is a very special 'casion...... our wedding night and we need a nice room with a good, strong bed.



The clerk winked and asked, "Do you want the Bridal?"



The Cowboy thought about it a minute and then replied, "Nope, I reckon not, I'll just hold on to her ears 'til she gets used to it."

THIS IS FOR YOU WICKED

That was great catfish ! I was born and raised in Maine!!

An old Arapaho, Charlie Two Shirts was fishing on a lake. He rowed in and tied up his boat. A game warden came by and looked at his catch. "Charlie.....how in tarnation did you catch these fish? This lake is not good for fishing!" Charlie said: "Mister game warden...it is an old Indian method. I show you!" They got in the boat and rowed out to a spot. Charlie opened his tackle box, took out a half stick of dynamite weighted with a rock, lit the fuse and tossed overboard. A few seconds later there was a muffled explosion underwater and shortly fish began to float to the surface belly up. The game warden said: "Charlie.....that's illegal! You can't fish with dynamite!' Charlie opened his tackle box again, took out another weighted half stick of dynamite, lit the fuse and handed it to the game warden. "Ok mister game warden are you gonna fish.....or talk?"

There is a girl walking up the stairs in a church one day. As the priest is walking by, he looks up and notices that this girl is not wearing any panties. He then calls the girl and gives her $50 and says "Little girl, take this money and buy yourself some panties as it is not good to walk around without any panties on."

The girl then goes home and gives the money to her mother and asks her mother to buy panties for her. When the mother asks where the girl got the money from, the girl explained what happened. Upon hearing how the girl got the money, the mother rushes to her room, whips off her panties, and puts on one of her shortest dresses and runs out to the church. As soon as the mother sees the priest coming, she begins to walk up the stairs. The priest then notices the lady and calls her down.

The woman, not wanting to show that she is expecting anything walks back to the priest very calmly. The priest then gives the lady $1 and says, "Take this money and for God's Sakes, buy yourself a razor!"

YES. !!! GOOD ONE. KEEP 'EM COMING

Sex in a boat - oar-gasms.
Sex with a nerd - dork-gasms.
Sex at the entrance to your house - door-gasms.
Sex on carpet or linoleum - floor-gasms.
Sex at the supermarket - store-gasms.
Sex at a Steven King Movie - horror-gasms.
Sex with a prostitute - whore-gasms.
Sex with an accountant - bore-gasms.
Sex while sleeping - snore-gasms.
Sex with 'Arthur' - Dudley Moore-gasms.
Sex with cartoon donkeys - Eyeore-gasms.
Sex while broke - poor-gasms.
Sex with a lion - roar-gasms.
Sex for hours and hours on end - sore-gasms.
Sex on a golf course - fore-gasms.
Sex with a nymphomaniac - more-gasms.
Sex in a gold mine - ore-gasms.
Sex with a dermatologist - pore-gasms.
Sex with a politician - Al Gore-gasms.
Sex with Chocolate, marshmallows, and graham crackers - s'more-gasms.
Sex with a bullfighter - toreador-gasms.
Sex with a masked man carrying a sword - zorro-gasms.
Sex at an all-you-can-eat buffet - smorgasbord-gasms.
Sex on a cruise ship deck - shuffleboard-gasms.
Sex in Asia - Singapore-gasms.
Sex among the wonders of nature - outdoor-gasms.
Sex in the vicinity of a garbage can - odor-gasms.
Sex on the way to the train - 'All Aboard'-gasms.
Sex that wasn't very satisfying - 'There's the door'-gasms.
Sex in an adult theater - hard-core-gasms.
Sex with someone who's not paying attention - ignore-gasms.
Sex with a competitive partner - score-gasms.
Sex while flying - soar-gasms.
Sex with a beloved partner - adore-gasms.
Sex with a meat-eater - carnivore-gasms.
Sex with a person who's got a really bad hairdo - pompadour-gasms.
Sex with someone who's got bad taste in clothes - velour-gasms.
Sex while traveling - tour-gasms.
Sex with a big dog - Labrador-gasms.
Sex with Beavis and Butthead - 'GonnaScore'-gasms.
Sex on stairs at the mall - escalator-gasms.
Sex with three of your friends - four-gasms.
Sex with a Norse God - Thor-gasms.
Sex when resistance is futile - Borg-gasms.


I've got hundreds but would really like to hear yours.

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels....
Helllloooo!!!.....bottles won't fit in printer !!!

March - Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6
months.....box said "2-4 years!"

April - Trapped on escalator for hours ..... power
went out!!!

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of
water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a
slope.

July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later,
the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....car swamped
because soft-top was open.

September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

October - Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .. instructions said 1 hour
per pound and I weigh 108 pounds !!

December - Couldn't call 911 ..... "duh".....there's no "eleven"
button on the stupid phone!!!

Thanks Torylynn. I see we have the same sense of humor.

Thank you for keeping us laughing

Pay-back is sooooo sweet

Awwww I'm all warm and fuzzy inside.Like I swollowed a bunny or something. Thanks guys