1) That’s not right ……………….. Sum Ting Wong

2) Are you harboring a fugitive?…. Hu Yu Hai Ding

3) See me ASAP…………………… Kum Hia Nao

4) Stupid Man …………………….. Dum Fuk

5) Small Horse ……………………. Tai Ni Po Ni

6) Did you go to the beach? ……. Wai Yu So Tan

7) I bumped into a coffee table … Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni

I think you need a face lift ….. Chin Tu Fat

9) It’s very dark in here …………. Wao So Dim

10) I thought you were on a diet .. Wai Yu Mun Ching?

11) This is a tow away zone …….. No Pah King

12) What are you doing here …….. Wai Yu Kum Nao?

13) Staying out of sight ………….. Lei Ying Lo

14) He’s cleaning his automobile … Wa Shing Ka

15) Your body odor is offensive …. Yu Stin Ki Pu

16) Great ……………………………. Fa Kin Su Pah

American liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA’s suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol beverage containers:

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in getting your ass kicked.

WARNING: the crumsumpten of alcohol may Mack you tink you kan tpye reel gode.

The f*ckin' monks will be in an uproar, watch

A new young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.

So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all subsequent copies.

The head abbot replies, “We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.”

So, the head monk goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscript is held in a locked vault that hasn’t been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by, and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young new monk gets worried and goes downstairs to look for the elder monk. He sees him banging his head against the floor. His forehead is all bloody and bruised, and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, “What’s wrong, father?”

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, “The word is celebrate!”

I posted a joke called "yeast infection" and the women freaked on me.


Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.

“Please allow me to help. I’m a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me,” she told him.

“Oh, no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,” the man replied, still in pain, in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together in his groin.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and put her hands inside. She began to massage him.

She then asked, “How does that feel?”

He replied, “It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell.”

What kind of man interests women?










A man that can carry 6 doughnuts without using his hands.

What kind of woman interests a man?









A woman that can eat the 6th doughnut.

a young man walks into the bedroom where his wife is trying to sleep.He has a sheep under his arm and says..."honey, this is the cow I have sex with when you have a headache." The wife rolls her eyes and says...."you idoit,you're so stupid. That's a sheep." The husband replies...."Yeah and if you was half as smart as you think you are,you would have known I was talking to the sheep.

MALE 'DATE RAPE'WARNING
_________________________________

Be on the lookout! Police warn all male clubbers, party-goers, and unsuspecting pub regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. A date rape drug on the market, called "beer", is used by females to target unsuspecting men. The drug is found in liquid form, and is now available almost anywhere. "Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach.

After several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking "beer", men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened the night before...usually with a vague feeling that something bad occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship". Apparently men are much more susceptible to this scam after "beer" is administered and sex is offered by the predatory female. Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. However, if you fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys. For the support group nearest you, just look up "golf courses" in the yellow pages.

HANDS ?? I HAVE A PRETTY IDLE MOUTH ALSO. AND A ...........

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the
local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my
husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very
embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you.
I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will
motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a
good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing
this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the
ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the
hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr.
Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is
your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards
Mrs. Jones.

"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr.
Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not
notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few
motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her
husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore
him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that
goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it off and shove up your *ss !!

"Amen," replied the congregation.

Good morning right back atcha !!!

What has 75 balls and screws old ladies?
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*



















BINGO!

A young cowboy does his daily work and then goes into town to relax and have a brew, while there he meets a young girl and she asks, "Are you a REAL cowboy? to which he replies, "Well YES ma'am I am a REAL cowboy, I get up in the morning and mend fences, punch cows, rope cows, ride my horse down the trail, and do everythang a REAL cowboy does all day!" Then he asks the pretty little thang what she is and she replies that she is a lesbian and loves ONLY women, any women, any size woman and everythang about a woman.. Then she finishes her drink and leaves with her gorgeous big boobied girlfriend..
A few minutes later a couple from out of town sits down at the bar and orders drinks, the lady looks over at the cowboy and asks, "Are you a REAL cowboy?" To which the cowboy replies, "Well ma'am this morning when I got up to go to work, I thought I was but, just a few minutes ago I larn'd that I was REALLY a Lesbian!!"

A lady is lamenting to her husband how she wished she had bigger breasts.

The husband told her "take toilet paper and rub it on your boobs once a day"

The wife replied "How will that help"

The husband said "trust me I know"

So she rubbed TP on her Breasts every day. After about 3 months she said "it does not seem to be working"

The husband encouraged her to be patient and keep trying.

After 6 months she again said "I do not think this is working"

The husband said " I just don't get it.... I know since we got married 15 yrs ago it has done a great job on your A$$!!!"

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen Sodium. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch,
reflecting on her long life.

All of a sudden a fairy godmother appears in front of her and
informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

"Well, now." says the old lady "I guess I would like to
be really rich."

*POOF* her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

"And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess."

*POOF* she turns into a beautiful young woman.

"Your third wish?" asks the fairy godmother.

Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them.

"Ooh-can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks.

*POOF* there before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone
could possibly imagine.

She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak,
he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear


"Bet you're sorry you had me neutered."

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, retired and moved to Alberta. Bert always wanted a
Pair of authentic cowboy boots. So seeing some on sale one day, he bought them,
wore them home, while walking proudly. He walked into the house and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'

Margaret looks him over, 'Nope.'

Frustrated Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and Walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little Louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'

Margaret looks up and says, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow.'

Furious, Bert yells, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?'

'Nope,' she replies.

'IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS !!!!!'

To which Margaret replied... 'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.'

A woman gave birth to a baby, and afterward, the doctor said "I have to tell you something, about your baby."
Fear flashed across her face. "What's wrong with my baby?"
The doctore said "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite."
Confusion clouded her face. "A hermaphrodite? What's that?"
"Well, it means your baby has the...er...features...of a male and a female."
The woman turned pale. "Oh my goodness! You mean my baby has a penis...and a brain?"

See, I can dish it out and take it.

He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?


He said . . . Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said. That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said . ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . .....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!


He said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said We don't know; it has never happened.

He said . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
She said ...... . . They already have boyfriends.

She said...What do you call a women who knows where her husband is every night?
He said . . . A widow.

He said . .. . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Yet another from Sis.

Adam was sulking around the garden , when God asked.....

God: What's wrong Adam , are you not happy with that I have provided to you?

Adam: No , everything is fine , but I am lonely , I would like a mate....

God: You are right I will make you a women....one that will love you with all her heart , she will bathe you , cook and clean for you , she will listen and obey , and provide you with the sweet pleasures of intimacy at any time , day or night.....

Adam begins to smile.

God: ...But I will need one of your legs to make her with...

Adam looks down at his legs , and scratches his head...then looking up to God asks....


" WHAT CAN I GET FOR A RIB "