Okay I'll get off the blondes.








one









at








a








time!!!!!

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your Duck Cuddles has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? "Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.
"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean,you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat.
The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on it's haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.
"$150!", she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!!
"The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150.00.

An old man is sitting on a bench at the mall, when a kid with a mohawk dyed green, red, and yellow sits next to him. The old man turns to look at him and just stares.

"What's the matter, Gramps?" the kid asks. "Never done anything wild in your life?"

"Sure have," replies the old guy. "Screwed a peacock once. Was just wondering if you were my son."

An old man loves to fish, was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."

He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up." He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, "Are you talking to me?"


The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll then give you more pleasure than you ever could have dreamed of."


The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.


Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will give you pleasures like you have never had."


The old man opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

Thanks ccindy, just having fun.

A girl came skipping home FROM school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school. "Mommy, Mommy," She yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A,b, c, d, e, f, g!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"

"No, Honey, it's because you're 25."

Anally - occurring yearly
Artery - study of paintings
Bacteria - back door of cafeteria
Caesarian section - district in Rome
Cat scan - searching for kitty
Cauterize - made eye contact with her
Colic - sheepdog
Coma - a punctuation mark
Congenital - friendly
Dilate - to live long
Enema - not a friend
Fester - quicker
Fibula - a small lie
Impotent - distinguished, well known
Intense pain - torture in a teepee
Labour pain - getting hurt at work
Medical staff - doctor's cane
Morbid - higher offer
Nitrate - cheaper than day rate
Outpatient - person who has fainted
Pathology - a rambler's association
Post operative - letter carrier
Protein - favouring young people
Radiologist - Dr Fox on Capital FM
Rectum - damn near killed 'em
Recovery room - place to do upholstery
Secretion - hiding anything
Serology - study of knighthood
Terminal illness - sickness at airport
Tumor - an extra pair
Urine - opposite of you're out
Varicose - located nearby

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the
freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the
blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was
oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked
down his window, turned on his bullhorn and
yelled, "PULLOVER! "NO," the blonde yelled back,"IT'S A SCARF!"

Two midgets go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms. The first midget, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of "Here I come again ONE, TWO,THREE...UUH!" all night long.

In the morning, the second midget asks the first, "How did it go?"

The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an erection."

The second midget shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing I couldn't even get on the bed."

Eight Words with two Meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female... Any part under a car's hood.
Male.... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male.. Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female... A desire to get married and raise a family
Male..... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5.! ENTERTA INMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male..... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.

Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male..... A source of entertainment, self-_expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male.. A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

Why do women have small feet?
So they can stand closer to the sink.

Why do wives wear white?
So all the applainces in the kitchen match.

How do you fix a woman's watch?
>You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be open when she brings it to me.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me."

Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.


In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested



I'm a pig, But I'm a nice pig.oink oink

Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put 'poor planning' as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over
which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs.

Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.

You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now
proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid
descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several
lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry.

I am an athlete in Bathroom Olympics and the flying Superman is an out-dated technique. Try the Crouching Tiger. It brings you closer to the bowl and requires less balance. Work on your form.

sex with a storyteller....a folklore-gasm

sex with a storyteller....a folklore-gasm

Or the word Pause?

Thank you for an honest answer. and I will keep an open mind.

Yes!!!!

I am 38 years old and don't consider myself old at all, But I feel as though I am out of touch with the way people chat with each other on here. I don't know if that makes me old-fashion or what. I'm a pretty bold, forthright person in my every-day life but there's somethings that just seems too bold.
Question # 1: Are people this bold because they are in the safety of thier own homes ?
Question # 2: Is everyone living out an alter-ego fantasy thing on here?
Question # 3 Why do I feel as though most of what I see here is not real?

Any answers will be greatly appreciated.
Boxerpup

GOOD JOB CATFISH!!!