It is my mission in life to make people smile. What more beautiful thing is there than a laugh or a smile? You are most welcome.

The local drama society was putting on a play for Christmas, in the church hall.

The vicar was hovering in the background watching events taking place.

The director, looking perturbed, spotted the vicar loitering and had a brainwave.

"Hello Vicar, I am in a bit of a quandary. I need a bit part actor, for one minute, but no one wants to spend all day for such a small part. Would you be interested in trying for it?"

You could see the vicar's chest swelling with pride.

"I would love to have a go at it", he said.

"Well", said the director, "You just need to walk onto the stage and pretend that you have been shot. Do you think you could do that?"

"I'll give it a real go." he said.

"Good", said the director, "When the killer fires the gun, all you have to do is grasp your chest and say something like, holy $hit, I've been shot and fall to the ground."

The vicar immediately said, "Oh but I am a man of the cloth, I can't use foul language in God's house."

"OK", said the director, "Just make up something that sounds convincing."

_________________________________________________

Later that day everyone turned up for dress rehersal. The fake blood capsule embedded in the shirt, that the vicar was to wear.

When the moment arrived for the vicar to play his part, he stood in the wings waiting for his cue.

AND ACTION

The vicar strolled onto the stage and a gunshot rang out.

The vicar grasped his chest, puncturing the blood capsule and said, "My goodness gracious, I have been shot."

Then looking down to where the blood was soaking his chest, he exclaimed, "HOLY $HIT, SO I HAVE."

Two babies lying close to each other in small incubaters.

One baby turns to the other and asks, "Hey you, do you know if I am a boy or a girl?"

The other baby replies, "I'm not too sure, but I could give it a go."

"OK", said the first baby, "What next?"

"You'll have to pull down your blanket so that I can look." Said the second baby.

The first baby pulls down the blanket.

With a whoop of success the second baby says, "You're a GIRL".

"How do you know? How do you know?", squealed the first baby.

"Easy, I just had to look and there it was staring me in the face."

"What? What?", the first baby emplored.

"Oh all right", said the second baby.

"YOU'RE WEARING PINK SOCKS"

Fingers McCoy left a night club, in the early hours, with his Mol, Veronika.

Walking through the centre of London, she says, "Oh Fingers, look at that lovely furcoat in that shop window".

He pulled out a brick from his pocket. Threw it at the shop window and walked off smartly with the furcoat, which Veronika quickly donned.

It wasn't long before they passed a jewelers and sure enough there was the most beautiful diamond taira, on a stand in the window.

Veronika whined, "Oh look Fingers, a beautiful diamond tiara."

Fingers pulled out another brick, threw it at the window and he and she ran off to the sound of the shop alarm.

Veronika now wearing the tiara and the furcoat passed a very expensive shoe shop and there in the window was the most expensive pair of handmade suade boots ever made.

"Mmmmmm", said Veronika, "Look Fingers at those lovely boots. Can I have them?"

"Wait a minute, wait a minnute", said Fingers, "Do you think I'm made of bricks."

Doctor says to man, "Goodmorning Geoff, what seems to be the problem today?"

Geoff replies, "Well doctor, I have something wrong with my peni$."

"OK", says the doctor, "I'll have to have a look at it."

Geoff says, "Just one thing, doctor. You have to promise that you won't laugh when you see it."

The doctor replies, "Oh Geoff, I take my job very seriously and I would never put a patient into any distress by any wayward attitude towrds him or her. So, please be assured that I will not laugh."

Geoff says, "OK". Then stands up and drops his trousers.

The doctor burst out laughing so hard that snot flew out of his nose. Until he stifled it as quickly as he could.

The doctor continued after he had calmed himself, "That was so very not a professional way for me to treat you. It is just that I have never seen such a small, no, tiny peni$". As a smile twitched his lips.

He continued, "So, Geoff, can you explain to me what is the problem you have with it."

Geoff replied, "Well doctor, it's swollen."

The receptionist had to close the surgery and take the doctor home. He is still laughing yet.

Sam goes into a shop and lays his peni$ on the counter.

He says, "Can you fix that, please?"

The woman shopkeeper says, "I think sir, that you have mis-read the sign above the shop door. It says, "CLOCK REPAIRS".

"OK", says Sam, "Can you put a couple of hands on that?"

Sam went into a shop and asked the girl behind the counter, "Could I have a nice bunch of flowers, like the one in the shop window?"

The girl replied, "Oh, dear me sir. We are not a flowerists'. We are a circumcision clinic."

"Well", said Sam, "You've got a bunch of flowers in your window."

"Goodness sir. What would you suggest we put into the shop window?"

Yes. Open to a whole new tribe of readers. Unfortunately, my old fans have to put up with repeats. Just pretend that I am the BBC.

My mate was on the phone the other day,

He said, "Did you know, that I cut off my finger?"

I said, "What? Your whole finger?"

"No", he said, "The one beside it."

When I did a really noisy fart, my friend used to say, "Naw, don't rip it. I'll take the whole piece."

Out jogging the other day, I passed the local tennis club.

The fence around the courts is very high, but that doesn't stop some people from lobbing a ball or two over it.

As I jogged past, I found two tennis balls, which I stowed in my shorts pockets.

A bit further on, at a set of traffic lights, I had to wait, jogging on the spot, for the crossing signal.

I saw a young lady, already waiting there, notice the bulges in my short's pockets, with raised eyebrows.

I said to her, "Tennis balls."

She exclaimed, "Oh, how terrible. I once had tennis elbow and it was so painful."

I while ago I bought a new STB. (Set Top Box) For recording TV programmes. It uses an American connection called SCART. The scart plug is full of sharp edges and as I was fiddling with it to get the thing plugged in, I cut myself. Quite a bad cut. That was about a year ago and you can still see where the cut was, because there is now a scar.

So, because of a SCART ISSUE

I now have some SCAR TISSUE.


Please do not encourage me. I really am quite mad.

Ha ha ha ha ha aha ha aha ha hahahah a aha aha h

First of all I have to proclaim that I have nothing against blondes. In fact, it is the exact opposite. I love blondes. They get dirty quicker.

At a hotel a number of blondes arrive, soon to be joined by even more blondes.

As they congregate in the lounge they begin to chant, "Eighteen weeks. Eighteen weeks. Eighteen weeks."

More blondes arrive.

The chant continues, "Eighteen weeks, eighteen weeks, etc."

The hotel manager arrives and asks one of the blondes what is going on.

The blonde replies, "We are all members of the local blonde girls club."

She continues, "Just recently we completed a very complicated jigsaw puzzle, in just eighteen weeks."

The manager asked, "What was so special about that?"

The blonde replied, "It said 3 to 5 years on the box."

Woman says to the doctor, "My daughter says that those contraceptive pills you gave her, taste so bad, that she is giving them to her dog."

The doctor replies, "They won't do your daughter any good, giving them to the dog. She must be very ignorant."

"Yes", said the woman, "Five months now."

When I was very young, my grandfather was so ill that my grandmother had to cover my grandfather's back with lard.

He went downhill very quickly after that.

Fred's wife sends Fred a letter, which arrives at the prison where Fred is serving a sentence for stealing gold and jewellery.

The gold and jewellery was never recovered.

In the course of the letter, Fred's wife writes that because money is a bit scarce, she is thinking of digging up the rear garden, to plant some vegetables.

Only problem is that the garden is big and it will take ages to dig.

Fred immediately writes a reply to his wife's letter.

Just one sentence, "Absolutely, under no circumstances, are you to touch the rear garden."

A day or two later, Fred recieves a reply from his wife. "I don't know how you did it, but those big brutes from the Special Branch, came out yesterday and dug the whole of the rear garden. You're a love."

When asked, "What time of day did you get pregnant?", most women say, "at Knight time."

A divorce lawyer is discussing blame for divorce.

"Tell me, Mrs, Magilacuddy", said the lawyer, "did he ever withhold the housekeeping money?"

"No. Never. He was always very generous." she replied.

"Did he ever hit or beat you?" Asked the lawyer.

"No he never did. I'd have broke his jaw if he did".

"Was he ever unfaithful to you?"

"Ah, I think we've got him there." said Mrs. Magilacuddy. "I know for a fact that he wasn't the father of our last child."










Thanks SM.

Gloria went to visit her friend Jenny who had moved to South Africa, some eight years ago.

Jenny took Gloria for a coffee and cake, one afternoon.

It was a beautiful day, so they decided to go for a walk before returning to Jenny's home.

Jenny acting like a tour guide, explained some of the sights as they walked along.

"AND this is the South African Army barracks".

Looking over the low wall, Gloria exclaimed, "That really surprises me. I thought that the South African army were black".

Jenny replied, "Oh no. Only their privates are black".

To which Gloria remarked, "Oh, how exotic".

Lorry driver gives a lift to a young scantilly clad woman.

After talking about the weather and the local politics, the woman says to the lorry driver.

"Did you know that I am sitting on something warm and moist?"



The lorry driver replies, "Ooooh Nooooo. You're not sitting on my Yorkie?"