Hello everyone. My name is Walter Wall. I'm a carpet salesman.

Time flies like an arrow.

Fruit flies like a banana.

An elderly couple are on the dance floor. The lady, quite perturbed, is practically shouting at her male partner, "You must listen carefully. I SAID, I HAVE ACUTE ANGINA"

Yeah. Nuisance phone calls.
What can I say about them?

They put the phone bills up.

I said, "I am totally stone deaf".

I never thought I'd hear myself say that.

Thannks Tim Vine.

I went visiting a local DIY store. As I approached the entrance to the store, a man appeared in front of me, wearing a bright orange jacket and trousers. He said, "You look like you need decking." Just then, I got lucky and got in the first punch.

While I was cycling through a crowded market place, an elderly Jewish man stepped out in front of me. I clipped him with the handlebars as I pedaled past and he fell to the ground. I immediately took off my jacket and folded it and placed it under the old man's head, saying as I did so, "Are you comfortable?" He replied with a shakey voice, "No, but I make a living."

The BBC (British Broadcasting Corporation) are to broadcast a documentary, charting the history of the brown sauce called HP Sauce OR Houses of Parliament sauce. It will be aired next month.

If you miss it you can get it on Ketchup TV.

That is very true. Some people are really fanatical about their pets. Take the Pope, for instance. Apparently he is a cat-aholic.

catholic Go on laugh.

"I'm tellin' ye, it's a virus, Paddy" says Mick.

"It says in the paper that it's a Panda, Mick" says Paddy.


Pandemic Go on laugh.

In a restaurant the other day, when a lass from Scotland, working as a waitress, came to my table and said, "Hellae therrrrre sirrrr. Whit cannee be getting forrrr ye?" I asked for a cup of coffee and asked, "Are you from Scotland?" "Ah am that," she said, "how would ye everrrr have known?" I said, "It's probably the way you roll your RRRs." "Ach aye," she said, "it's prrrobably these new high heel shoes."

What is the difference between a Scotsman and Walt Disney?

A Scotsman wears a kilt

and Walt Disney.

When I was in Australia I learned some new words. For instance the Aboriginal word "Boo". It means to return, because when you throw an ordinary meringue ...

I met a man walking his dog, yesterday. I said to him, "Why does your dog have a flat face?" The man answered me, "That's because he won't stop chasing parked cars."

I worked with a guy who experimented with LSD when he was younger. He got so high, that he jumped out of a bedroom window, believing he could fly. He ended up in hospital with serious injuries. When I asked him about it, he said, "The flight was just about perfect. The landing was totally rubbish."
BTW, nice joke. Appeals to my weird sense of humour.

My cousin told me a story the other day. She said, "My next door neighbour used to feed her husband cat food. Least ways, she did until he broke his leg. "How awful", I said, "How did that happen?" My cousin replied, "Well, apparently, he fell off the yard wall."

I might have told you all before, that my wife is a big lady. One morning the phone rang, when we were still in bed. I had to climb over her to reach the phone and burned my *** on the light-bulb.

If someone comes to your front door and says they are conducting a survey
and then asks you to show them your bare bottom, DO NOT show them your bare bottom.

This is a scam; they just want to see your bare bottom.

I wish someone had told me this yesterday.

I feel so stupid and cheap......

This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas but there are more Catholic churches there than casinos. Not surprisingly, some worshippers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.

Since they get chips from so many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings. The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan Monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.

This is done by a chip monk

Lying in bed with my wife, just starting to doze off, when the doorbell rang. My wife nudged me, as if I hadn't heard the bell, "Go and see who it is." she said. I looked at the clock, 2:15am. I opened the door and a guy was standing there, holding his coat across his chest to keep the wind out. He said, "Is there any chance you could give me a push?" I could feel the biting cold through my dressing gown and answered him with as much sympathy as I could muster, "I'm sorry, it is much too cold for me to risk getting hypothermia." The guy turned away and I closed the door. When I got back to bed my wife asked, "What was that about?" I explained. She said, "Come on dear, what if that had been you and had needed a push?" "AND look at the time, who else could help him?" "Sure five minutes will do it." "There's a dear, pull on some clothes and go and give the guy a push." Doing as I was bid, I ventured out into the dark, freezing night. I couldn't see the guy anywhere. Maybe he had gone. I'd better not go back to bed without at least trying to find him. So, I called out into the darkness, "Hello are you there?" A voice came back, "Yes, I'm still here." I couldn't place the direction of the voice, so, I asked, "Where are you?" The voice came back, "I'm over here on the swing."