Do NOT eat YELLOW snow.

I got home last evening after a great day at work.

I felt like a million dollars and randy.

I said to me wife, "How do you fancy some super-secks?"

In her small quiet voice she replied, "Oh all right then. I'll just have the soup."

I went to my doctor recently, about a tic that I had in my right eye.

I didn't have to demonstrate my problem, as while I was talking to him, my eye was going WINK WINK WINK.

He told me to try using asprin as a means of controlling the tic.

So, I put in place a plan to take one asprin daily.

This was about 3 weeks ago and I still have the problem, as I will go on to explain, because as yet I haven't taken one asprin.

Yesterday, my wife decided to launder my outdoor jacket. She shouted to me from the kitchen (where the washing machine is located) "What are you doing with these all these packets of condoms in your pocket?"

"Well", I said, "When, in the pharmacy, I ask for a packet of asprins and my eye is going WINK WINK WINK, the shop assistant immediately misconstrues my objective and gives me a packet of condoms."







(Sorry it is not very well told. It is actually a better visual joke. Tell your friends, but describe it in such a way, that as you tell of asking for the asprins, you add the WINK WINK WINK. It works much better as a funny story.)

I was at the airport yesterday.

I went up to a woman at a desk.

I wagged my elbows like wings and made a noise like a hen chicken.

The woman said to me, "I'm sorry sir, this is the CHECK-IN Desk."





I said to her, "BNAG". That's BANG out of order.

No I didn't.

A printed circuit board (pcb) reported to the PSU (power supply unit) transformer, saying, "I've lost an electron."

The PSU transformer replied, "Are you sure?"

The PCB returned, "Yes. I'm positive."

EXPLANATION:-

It all refers to a little confection, very popular in the British Isles called, wait for it, TICTACs


Here's what I found on Google:-

Tic Tac (stylized as "tic tac") is a brand of small, hard mint manufactured by the Italian company Ferrero. They were first produced in 1969 and are now available in a variety of flavours in over 100 countries.

The General asks the Major, "The enemy is coming towards you from two angles and your men are pinned down. What are your preferred tactics."

The Major replies, "Preferred tactics? I would say that I preferred the little green, minty ones."

I go to MATCH then FIND MATCH. I get two or three members to SKIP or LOVE. Then after clicking on a button, nothing happens for about 10 to 15 seconds then a new page opens with the message "The page isn't redirecting properly".
Followed by:-
The error occurred during a connection to Mingle2.com.


I think this problem used to be called something like:- "THERE ARE NO MORE MATCHES". Why does it not just say that?

After World War Two, my father will always be remembered.

He was the man who broke the Enigma Code



machine.

Have you heard about the man who thought that Aerlingus was something to do with the "MILE HIGH CLUB"?

NO, that's quite OK. Especially for the slow thinkers. Who needs Google when Basel is about.

Shakespeare when a young man, before he became famous, was having a conversation with a friend, in a public house (pub).

Things got a bit heated and Shakespeare began shouting at his friend and slamming his fist down on the table.

The pub landlord decided that enough was enough and threw Shakespeare out onto the street, saying, "YOUR BARD".

My aunt Marge.

She is always very sick.

I can't believe Marge's not better.

Husband says to wife, "These crab paste sandwiches taste a bit strange."

"Where did you get the crab paste?"

"In the chemist's", replied the wife

Two ladies of a particular persuasion, living together.
One lady tells the other lady that she is going into hospital, for something to improve their relationship.
The other lady asks what this procedure is going to be. Is it going to be a tonsillectomy?
No, was the reply.
Is it going to be an appendectomy?
No, was the reply.
OK, then what is it?
A strapadicktome.

Pondering. It is mans' way of passing valuable time, over something nonsensical.

Ladies, you should try this. When you are with your man and you see his eyes glaze over, say to him, "TELL ME WHAT YOU ARE THINKING, NOW. IMMEDIATELY"

Be prepared for the most extreme, nonsensical reply.

OK, having said that, I was standing in the park, the other day, pondering on why a frisby gets bigger, the closer it gets.

Then it hit me.

Walking through town, the other day, I saw a man walking toward me carrying a very long thin parcel.

As he passed me I ask, "Are you a polevaulter?"

He replied, (German accent) "No. I am a German. How did you know my name is Walter?"







AND BAsel, before you start, Germans pronounce Ws like Vs. OK?

Ian Paisley a firebrand from Northern Ireland, died.

Around about the same time as Mother Teresa and Martin Luther King.

When they arrived in heaven God asked them in turn what lives they had had on earth.

Mother Teresa told of how she had performed great works for the poor and the unGodly.

God said that she should take place on the seat to His left.

God then asked Martin Luther King what he had done while he was on earth.

Martin Luther King explained all the efforts he had made to bring the sinners to the fold.

God said that he should take the seat to His right.

God then looked at the third man and asked, "Who are you?"

"I'm the reverend Ian Paisley and you're sitting in my seat".