Saint Peter, while keeping watch at the gate, asked a newcomer his name and where he was from.

"Eastwood from Northern Ireland", came the reply.

Saint Peter rushed off to speak with God.

"There's a man at the gate, who calls himself Eastwood, from Northern Ireland what should I do?"

God, in turn asks, "Is that Eastwood the boxing promoter or is that Eastwood the scrap metal collector?"

"I'll go and ask." says Saint Peter.

He was back in a flash. "It must have been the scrap metal collector, the gates have gone."

I went for a pint with my cousin.

He hates bad language.

We sat beside a group of loud mouthed drunk young lads.

One of the lads was describing an event that had taken place in his presence.

He said, "Me and my mates were in the forest park, having a naked swim in the pond. Charlie was on the bankside and decided to do a bomb jump into the water. That's where you jump and hold your knees, hitting the water with a big splash. Someone had thrown a wooden dining chair into the pond and it was floating just below the surface. Well, Charlie landed on this chair and the leg went up his a$$hole."

At this, my outraged cousin turned to the speaker and said, "Rectum".

At which the speaker replied, "Wrecked him? It nearly f^$£&*"g killed him."

My mate shaved his head and got lots of tattoos.

This was because his wife said if he looked harder, he would be able to find his car keys.

Uri Geller.

Surprisingly difficult to stab.

The telephone rang the other morning.

I had to climb over my big wife to answer it.

My wife is a big lady.

You won't believe it, but I burnt my bottom on the light bulb.

What bigger influence does a woman have than that from a husband.

No ulterior motive intended.

It was meant to be funny.

Why do you take everything so literally?

Just a few things that women have, that seem to be influenced by men.

hyMEN

MENstruation

FELLOWpian (fallopian)

SIRvix (cervix)

HISterectomy (hysterectomy)

MENopause

and last but not least

HUSBAND.

Two guys, in a doctor's waiting room, eventually get around to discussing their ailments.

One guy tells the other, that he is there to get a diagnosis on a red ring around his knob.

The other guy, astounded, says that he is also there with a similar problem, except the ring around his knob is green.

Anyway, the first patient to be called in the guy with the red ring.

Five minutes he comes out of the surgery and says to the other guy. No bother at all. Put some cream on it and the red disappeared.

The guy with the green ring was relieved to hear this and was called to see the doctor.

The doctor had a look at his green knob and said, "Sorry, but I will have to amputate it."

The guy says, "But you fixed the other guy with a smear of cream."

"Ah, yes", said the doctor, "but there is a difference between lipstick and gangrene."

I met a girl in a bar.

She asked me for sex.

I had to disappoint her.

We had sex.






Thanks GD.

Why are there no asprin in the pet shop?

Because "Their parrot's eat 'em all."






Because "They're Paracetamol." Go on, laugh.

Well then. Wash your hands and make me a beef sandwich.

Man walks into a bar.

The barman, noticing that the guy is very tanned, said, "You look like you've been on holiday."

"Yes", said the man.

"Where have you been?" asks the barman.

"Foreign shores." says the man.

"What shores?" asks the barman.

The man says, "That is very kind of you. I'll have a double brandy."

The barman was dumbstruck, but gave the man a double brandy.

A year later, in the same bar, a very tanned man walks in.

The barman sees him and says, "You're the guy who came in here last year and tricked me into giving you a double brandy."

"No, indeed", says the man, "I've never been in this bar before."

"Are you sure?" asks the barman.

"Absolutely sure. I fact, I've never even been in this town before."

"Well," says the barman, "You must have a double."

"That's very kind of you. Would you make it a brandy?"

How do you make an idiot.

Get him to tell the same blonde joke, over and over and over and over.

BTW, I used to be ginger. (Just in case.)

It was my turn to get the milk for breakfast.

So, dressed only in my pyjamas, I headed for the barn, where the farmer had tied our milking cow.

I went in, grabbed the pail and stool and set myself down to start milking.

I had just got enough, when the cow kicked the bucket up the byre.

To avoid that happening again I found a piece of sisal, on a hook and tied the cow's rear left leg to the side of the stall.

I sat down and began milking again.

Would you believe it? I just had enough again, when the cow, using its other rear foot, kicked the bucket away again.

I was fuming. I took the last piece of sisal off the hook and tied the offending foot to the other side of the stall.

She won't do that again, I thought.

I had only started to milk again, when she swung her tail in between her rear legs and skited the bucket up the byer.

No sisal left. Then I remembered, the cord in my pyjama trousers.

So I placed the stool behind the cow, grabbed her tail and climbed up unto the stool. I pulled the cord from my pyjamas and proceeded to tie the cows tail to a beam above.

Just then as I had just secured her tail, my pyjama trousers slipped down and in walked my wife.

So, if you can convince my wife that I was not about to shag that cow ........

I was at a party, the other night.

A woman asked me for sex.

I had to disappoint her.

We had sex.





_________
Thanks GD.

I said to my doctor, "I think I'm losing my sexdrive."

He said, "When did you first notice this?"

I replied, "Twice last night and once this morning."

The local Irish newspaper in CORK, The ECHO, reported,

CORK MAN DROWNS.


AND to cap it all, his name was BOB.

I love the logic. My life has been full of disappointments, but give me the chance to change things for the better, I'm your man.

Not surprising that only men commented on this post. Ha ha ha.

Newspaper headlines.

Psychiatrist has a silent P.