What's pale brown and flies around the kitchen?
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A plain biscuit.

What's long and thin
Covered in skin
Red in parts and
Goes into tarts?
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RHUBARB.

I love it when something joggs a memory and others add something of their own. Thanks Robin and Julie

The last time I was in church, they threw water round me and called me names.

A woman asked how men are an influence on her life, replied:-

hy men

men struation

men opause

his terectomy

Yes, sorry folks. I should've mentioned that NICE people would probably never get what I was suggesting.

Apologies. Please forgive me.

a *** up

A twist on the English language.

I was asked, "How would you NOT like your coffee?"

I responded with, "Half a cup."

The questioner replied with what I thought was a bit over the top, "I would never even think of making it so very badly."





I had to run it over in my mind for quite a while until I realised what he had heard.

Say, "Half a cup" over and over. It will come to you.

We used to say that in the Draught's Office.

"One day my prints will come."

As in, "Who watches the watchers?"

Obviously another sceptic, like me.

On my way into the carpark at the local hospital, I read a sign saying, "THIEVES ARE OPERATING IN THIS AREA".

I thought to myself, "They will do anything to save money. BUT thieves? I ask you."








Just a BTW, I picked up a parking penalty fine for £40 on that day. Bad memories.

A woodworm pipes up, "YES it is. Go get your own dinner."

Once I had an iron cow

Milked it with a spanner

Big tins a shilling

Small ones a tanner.





Ask someone older than 50 for a translation.

TIME FLIES LIKE AN ARROW.

FRUIT FLIES LIKE A BANANA.

I am always a bit nervous about showing my genitals to a woman for the first time.

I am always afraid she'll scream and run out of the park.

What has eight legs and flies?

Four pairs of trousers.

Now you're getting into the swing of it. Ha ha ha.

Paddy says to Mick, "Where abouts on your body is your YET?"

Mick says, "What?"

Paddy says, "I'm asking you, where on your body is your YET?"

"What do you mean?" says Mick.

"Well", says Paddy, "There's a report in the newspaper, that says a woman has been shot in Clontibrit and they haven't got the bullet out of her YET."

Mick didn't answer.

Paddy and Mick are having a drink in a local bar, when in walks a man wearing an equisitely tailored suit.

"Look at the cut of that suit.", says Paddy.

"Must be worth a fortune." says Mick, "I wonder what he does for a living."

The man heads straight for the gents' toilet and Paddy jumps up saying, "I'll check him out in the bog and let you know."

Inside the toilet, Paddy introduces himself to the well dressed man and asks, "You must have a great job, to be able to wear such fine threads?"

The man replies, "Why, yes, I am a Logical Scientist and it does pay quite well."

Paddy says, "A Logical Scientist? What might that be?"

The man says, "Let me explain."

He continues, "Let me see how I can explain this to you. OK, let's see if this will work. Do you own any goldfish?"

Paddy replies, "Yes, as it just happens, I do."

The man says, "Do you have them in a bowl or in a pond?"

Paddy replies, "In a pond."

The man says, "Well in that case I can deduce that you have quite a big garden."

"Yes", says Paddy.

"And with a big garden comes a big house."

"Yes" says Paddy.

"and that suggests to me that you are married with a family."

"Yes", says Paddy.

"with children"

"Yes" says Paddy, "two. A boy and a girl."

"which tells me that you are happily married"

"Of course" says Paddy.

"and because you are so happily married, you'll never have any reason to play with yourself"

"NO NEVER" says Paddy.

"So, there you are. Just by asking you about goldfish, I was able to use my logical science to come to that conclusion."

"That's amazing." says Paddy and left the toilet and headed back to his seat, where Mick was waiting.

"Well?" says Mick, "What did you find out?"

"The guy is a Logical Scientist." says Paddy.

"A what?" asks Mick.

"Let me explain." says Paddy.

"Do you have any goldfish?"

"No" says Mick.

"Then you're a wanker."says Paddy

At a local dance hall, Denzil said to me, "I really fancy that lady in the red dress."

I told him, "That lady is a lesbian."

He said, "I don't care where she is from." and he wandered over to where she was standing.

"Hello there", he said, "what part of Lesbiania are you from."

"No, no, you don't understand, let me explain. I am a lesbian" she said.

She continued, "Do you see that blond lady standing at the door? Well I'd like to pull off that tight top she is wearing and fondle her breasts."

Denzil replied, "I think I must be a lesbian too."