Do tell, please.

You have to be at least 65 to understand this joke.


The Lone Ranger and Tonto go to Walmart for some goods.

Lone Ranger says, "I'll not be too long. I've just got to pick up a few items."

Tonto replies, "Sure, that's fine. I'll just do a bit of jogging round the car park here."

The Lone Ranger is just collecting some items when there is an anouncement on the Tanoy.

"WOULD THE LONE RANGER PLEASE COME TO THE HELP DESK. HE HAS LEFT HIS INJUN RUNNING IN THE CAR PARK".

An elderly lady, while in her garden, heard the sounds of a metalic scraping noise, coming from the next garden.

She looked over the fence to see a little girl wielding a spade, obviously digging a hole.

The elderly lady asked, "What are you doing, little girl?"

"I'm digging a hole to bury my goldfish."

The elderly lady said, "That's a very big hole to bury a goldfish."

The little girl replied, "That's because it's inside your cat".

What do you call a Jewish Dwarf?

A LepreCohen.

TIME FLIES LIKE AN ARROW.

FRUIT FLIES LIKE A BANANA.


Anybody want to have a guess at the relevant speed?



I did say not to encourage me. Ha ha ha.

Just had to reply to that last post.

In October 9th 2013 Colin Braun set a lap record at Daytona.

No one said that he (the driver) never went anywhere, but the distance he travelled was timed to produce a lap SPEED record.

I suppose, using your logic, you could say that your heart goes nowhere. Yet when talking about your heartbeat, it is calibrated at so many beats per minute. SPEED. You can't get away from it.

Well, OK, I haven't heard anyone (yet) saying that "the virus spread at 25 MPH". Ha ha ha.

The official photographer arrived at the Womans' Institute building and began setting up his camera.

The women gathered, in preparation for the event.

He put his head under the black cloth ans one woman said, "What's he doing now?"

Another knowledgeable woman said, "He's going to fucus".

Another woman piped up, in an excited voice, "WHAT? All of us?"

Generally measured as the time taken to travel a certain distance.

The TIME for common reference is usually 1 hour.

Depending on your country's unit of measurement, either (Europe's) Kilometer or (USA and UK) Mile.

The result is written like KPH or MPH. For instance the roads in Britain are governed by a maximum of 70 MPH.

OK, since I am sure you didn't want a lecture on how to refer to SPEED, what was your question about.

Surely ORIGINALITY is the issue you are discussing.

Listen, even professional comedians steal each others' material. It is called SHARING.

A bit like stealing from the Apple shop. It should be treated as scrumping.

(AND before you say it, that isn't one of my originals, either. Ha ha ha.)

No. Like most of my favourite jokes, I either get them from DVDs or TV comedy programmes.

What difference does it make?

I'm always nervous when I show my genitals to a woman for the first time.

I'm always afriad that she'll scream and run out of the park.


Thanks GD.

My mate rang me up the other day.

He told me he had cut off his finger.

I said, "What? You cut off your whole finger?"

He replied, "No! The one beside it".

I would put £25 on the Deli Llama.

That is, if I was a Tibetan man.

A local well known dignitary was visiting an old folks care home.

An elderly lady smiled and waved at him.

He approached her and asked, "Do you know who I am?"

She replied, "If you ask Matron, she'll tell you who you are."

Italians.

Slanty little eyes.

Oh no, got it wrong.

ITALICS.




Not funny? Try saying it out loud to someone.

Oh your reply was exact. Just not in a form that my simple mind was able to absorb. I have always been a slave to everything being broken down into individual parts. When it comes to science or mechanics, I have to have the information spoonfed to me.

For instance, sliding downhill after stepping on a banana skin.


When I was a child my grandfather was quite ill. My grandmother used to have to cover my grandfather's back with some sort of grease. He went downhill very quickly after that.

Don't laugh, you'll only encourage me. Ha ha ha.

No, you are perfectly correct. I think I have covered myself by using the word "Approximately" here and there. I do that quite a lot with mathematics. Approximations are sometimes easier to arrive at, but give a broad idea of the finished result.

I love things like, instead of multiplying by 5, I add a zero and divide by 2. (Or, in reverse (i.e. divide by 5) really only works with large numbers, remove the last digit and multiply by 2. The answer is approximate, but close enough to give a working number.)

Simple question:- "What is the fastest speed that you have ever travelled?"

What if I told you that I knew the correct answer before you said anything?

Better still, what if I told you that the fastest speed you had ever travelled at was "approximately 64,000" Miles Per Hour (or 18 Miles Per Second). You would probably laugh your head off.

IT IS TRUE. The earth travels at approximately 64000 MPH.

Simple geometry. The sun is at the centre of the earth's orbit. The sun is aproximately 93 million miles away from earth. So the diameter of the earth's orbit is 186 million miles. Using the formula Pi times D where D is the diameter of the circle (orbit) and Pi is valued at 22/7 (or approximately 3) So roughly the earth travels 558 million miles in one year. Divide by 365 gives 1.529 million miles in one day. Divide again this time by 24 to find out how far the earth travels in one hour = Roughly 64,000 MPH

Isn't mathematics wonderful.

Ah, I think I am getting it. The shape of the interior is part of the microwave operation. That would never have occurred to me.

Thank you.

Would you believe that I worked for British MOD on nothing less than microwave wave guides. (I worked on User Guides, in the PERT department. Nothing scientific.)