Farmer tells wife that the artificial insemination (AI) man is coming today. He also tells her that he has to go to market with a couple of sheep. He says that he is hammering a bright shiney nail into the third doorframe of the shed that the cow to be inseminated is held. So that the man from AI knows which cow to inseminate. Wife hears third shed, AI man and nothing else. An hour or two later the man from AI arrives and the farmer's wife takes him to shed number three. The AI man spots the bright shiney nail hammered into the doorframe and asks the wife if there is any significance to it. The farmer's wife puzzles for a minute and says, "That's probably for you to hang your trousers."

That is because you haven't met me yet. Ha ha ha.

Denzel came into work the other day. I said to him, "That looks like you've got a black eye."

He replied, "Well, I was in church yesterday and while kneeling to pray, I noticed the Mrs. Trebogan's dress was tucked up the crack of her a$$. So, I lent forward and pulled it out. That's how I got the black eye."

Monday again and Denzel arrived in to work sporting another black eye.

"Heavens Denzel", I said, "What happened to you to get another black eye?"

"Much the same as last week", said Denzel, "Except that yesterday when we was praying, I could see that Mrs. Trebogan's dress was stuck in her a$$ crack, but I knew not to touch it, but beside me was Mr. Lowestone and he didn't know. He reached forward and pulled the dress out. Well, like I said, I knew she didn't like it out so I lent forward and tucked it back in again."




Thanks Jethro RIP.

Man prays, "Oh God, why did you make women so very beautiful?"

A voice booms down, "That is so that you will love them."

Man prays again, "Oh God, but why did you make them so dumb?"

Booming voice again, "That is so that they will love you."

Your codding me.

Can you imagine a life without toast?

I'll drink to that.

Woman who take breakfast to man in bed, might get titbit.

Man who go to bed with sexual problem on mind, might wake up with solution in hand.






Basel, don't start.

My friend is so mean.

Standing at the bar, he dropped a pound coin.

He bent down so fast to pick it up, the coin hit him on the back of his head.

I said to this guy behind the bar, "Can I have a strong coffee, without cream?"

He said, "Certainly sir" and went up the back.

He was back in a flash, He said, "Sorry sir, there's no cream. Will you have your coffee without milk?"

I went to my optician's the other day.

I said to him, "I can't see very far with these glasses."

He said, "Come with me, out to the street."

I followed him.

He said, "Look up. Can you see that big yellow thing?"

I said, "Of course, that's the sun."

He said, "Well the sun is about 90 odd million miles away. How far did you want to see?"

Joe and Mabel are sitting on the porch.

Mabel reaches out and clubs Joe a mighty whack.

Joe, completely shocked, says, "What was that for?"

Mabel replies, "That's for having a small pecker."

Joe, thought for a bit, then he reached out and gave Mabel a mighty whack.

Mabel, truely shocked says, "What was that for?"

Joe said, "That's for knowing that there's more than one size."

A freind of mine was telling me that his house was infested with mice.

I said to him, "Why don't you get a ball baring mouse catcher?"

He said, "WHat the hell is a ball baring mouse catcher?"

I told him, "A TOM CAT."




(BTW, tom cats are useless mousers).

In Portaferry, Northern Ireland, a Poll was taken.


Fourteen firemen fell through a hole in the floor.

Broadcasting tonight.

Don't worry if you miss it.

You can watch it later on Ketchup TV.





Where are you Basel?

For "Ketchup" READ "Catch-up".

Simples.

YOU'RE EXCUSED.

Uri Geller.

Surprisingly hard to stab.







(Uri Geller bends metal.)

Had my mum and dad up for the weekend.

I keep them in the cellar.


It's ok, I was only joking.

I don't know who they are.




Thanks MJ.

A black man goes into the vet's with a parrot on his head.

The parrot says to the vet, "Can you get this black head off my foot?"

Why has your dog got a flat face?

Because it keeps on chasing parked cars.