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Topic:
Can you identify this man?
Edited by
Mefikit
on
Wed 11/04/20 06:39 PM
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Paddy was out walking the train line when he got hit by an express train. He was so disfigured that the coroner couldn't get anyone to identify him. So he went to the nearest town to find out if anyone had gone missing. A good place to start was the local pub. At the pub, he asked the barman and a few customers if someone had strangely been absent, recently. With a bit of head scratching and banter, someone came up with the name, Paddy. The coroner found out that Paddy had two close friends, Finbar and Declan, who were always with Paddy, everywhere he went. The coroner asked if Paddy's friends could be contacted. "Come back about 8 o'clock. They'll be here then." he was told. Sure enough, at 8 o'clock Finbar and Declan arrived. The coroner asked Finbar and Declan if they would come and help to identify a body. At the mortuary the coroner asked Finbar, "Is that Paddy?" Finbar replied, "Could you turn him over?" Which the coroner did. Immediately Finbar said, "No that's definetly not him." The coroner called in Declan and asked him, "Is that Paddy?" Declan replied, "Could you turn him over?" Which the coroner did. Immediately Declan said, "No that's definetly not him." Curiosity made the coroner ask, "What are you looking for, that you think you'll find by looking at the back of the body?" "Well", said Declan, "You know that Finbar and meself were always with our friend Paddy?" "Do you know, that everywhere we went you could hear people praising Paddy, for being so unique?" "You could hear them say, Here Comes Paddy With The Two ********." Ha soles. |
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Topic:
Australian waiter.
Edited by
Mefikit
on
Wed 11/04/20 06:35 PM
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I was sitting waiting for my meal to arrive, when the waiter came up.
I said to him, "Excuse me, but you have your thumb on my steak." He said, "Yeah, mate, I don't want to drop it again." Thanks DO |
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Topic:
Can you identify this man?
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Paddy was out walking the train line when he got hit by an express train. He was so disfigured that the coroner couldn't get anyone to identify him. So he went to the nearest town to find out if anyone had gone missing. A good place to start was the local pub. At the pub, he asked the barman and a few customers if someone had strangely been absent, recently. With a bit of head scratching and banter, someone came up with the name, Paddy. The coroner found out that Paddy had two close friends, Finbar and Declan, who were always with Paddy, everywhere he went. The coroner asked if Paddy's friends could be contacted. "Come back about 8 o'clock. They'll be here then." he was told.
Sure enough, at 8 o'clock Finbar and Declan arrived. The coroner asked Finbar and Declan if they would come and help to identify a body. At the mortuary the coroner asked Finbar, "Is that Paddy?" Finbar replied, "Could you turn him over?" Which the coroner did. Immediately Finbar said, "No that's definetly not him." The coroner called in Declan and asked him, "Is that Paddy?" Declan replied, "Could you turn him over?" Which the coroner did. Immediately Declan said, "No that's definetly not him." Curiosity made the coroner ask, "What are you looking for, that you think you'll find by looking at the back of the body?" "Well", said Declan, "You know that Finbar and meself were always with our friend Paddy?" "Do you know, that everywhere we went you could hear people praising Paddy, for being so unique?" "You could hear them say, Here Comes Paddy With The Two ********." |
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Topic:
Golf?
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Why does the golfer wear two pairs of trousers?
In case he gets a hole in one. Sorry. |
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It's called the
MING INN (Update. The name has recently been changed to The Ming Bay) |
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Topic:
Hippo and zippo
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What is the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? A hippo is a huge mammal weighing tons A Zippo is a little lighter Simple and very funny. I live the play on words. Intelligent humour. |
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Topic:
Tap Joke #2
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When I arrived home from a shopping trip, there was a tap on the front door.
Our local plumber has a weird sense of humour. |
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Topic:
Tap Joke #1
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They say that a cure for Water On The Brain is a tap on the head.
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Topic:
Feeling Dizzy.
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I told my doctor that I was having dizzy spells.
He said, "Have you vertigo?" I said, "No. I just live two blocks away." |
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Topic:
Skilled Worker
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Paddy and Mick worked together in the factory and were both laid off.
At the unemployment office, Paddy was asked his occupation. "panty stitcher....I stitch the elastic in ladies panties" he replied. Being unskilled labour, Paddy was given 100 Euros a week. Mick was asked his occupation. Mick replied 'diesel fitter', and since this is skilled work he was given 200 Euro's a week. When Paddy found out Mick was getting 100 Euros a week more than him he was furious. He stormed back into the unemployment office and demanded to know >why his mate was getting more money. The clerk explained that panty stitching is unskilled work, whereas diesel fitting was skilled work. 'What fecking skill?' yelled Paddy. I sew the fecking elastic on the panties. Mick puts them over his head and says 'yep, diesel fitter' |
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Topic:
Stress Reliever.
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Girl: "When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden."
Boy: "It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles." Girl: "Well that's because we aren't married yet." |
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Customer asks, "Are these panties satin?"
"No madam", answers the shopkeeper, "They are straight from the factory. They haven't been worn by anyone." |
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Topic:
HARD WORK.
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The Penis Letter
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons: I do physical labour I work at great depths I plunge head first into everything I do I do not get weekends off or public holidays I work in a damp environment I don't get paid overtime I work in a dark place that has poor ventilation I work in high temperatures My work exposes me to contagious diseases Dear Penis After assessing your request and considering the arguments you have risen, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons: You do not work 8 hours straight You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods You do not always follow the orders of the management team You do not stay in your allocated position and often visit other areas You do not take initiative- you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start work You leave the work place messy at the end of your shift You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing You'll retire well before reaching 65 You're unable to work double shifts You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day's work And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags. Sincerely The Management |
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Topic:
Death in the Distillery.
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It was reported to the wife of a distillery worker who died as a result of falling into a vat of whiskey.
She asked of the distillery manager, "Oh my poor husband, was a quick death?" "No", said the manager, "He got out three times for a pee." |
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Topic:
Does size really matter?
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 there are signs of an improvement Don't encourage me. |
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Topic:
Newspaper Headlines.
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At a local asylum, an inmate escaped.
He waited in bushes in the grounds of the asylum and attacked a woman laundry worker. He had his wicked way with her. Then made a run for it. The newspaper headlines read:- NUT SCREWS WASHER AND BOLTS |
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Topic:
Clever Dick.
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A prostitute answers her doorbell and opens the front door.
There in front of her was a man with no arms and no legs. She says, "You're no use to me with no arms and no legs." The man answers, "I rang your doorbell, didn't I?" |
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Topic:
Designed by WHO?
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Myself and a couple of friends were discussing the human body. A complex piece of kit. So, we got to thinking as to who was the most likely person to have designed it.
Frank, who worked with computers, he reckoned that because it used so many electrical signals that it would have had to be designed by an electrical engineer. Pat, who worked in the shipyard, he said that surely because of all the mechanical joints in the skeleton and the muscles that controlled them, the body must have been designed by a mechanical engineer. I came straight to the point. The body was probably designed by our local council. Who else would run a waste disposal through a recreation area? |
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Topic:
Something to sit on.
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I went out to shop for a sofa.
A friend had recommended a shop called Sofa King. When I entered the store, I saw their logo, large and clear for all to see. "Looking for a Sofa? Buy ours, they're SOFA KING COMFORTABLE" |
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Topic:
The Penultimate Survey
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In a village near where I live, a poll was taken.
Fourteen firemen fell through a hole in the floor. |
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