I bought a love doll last week. When I inflated it, it turned out to be a man. I took it back to the shop, where I bought it and explained the problem to the shopkeeper. I felt really embarrassed when he explained to me, that I had inflated it, inside-out.

That's a difficult job.

The Pollen Count.

Thanks MJ

The Air Chief Marshall (ACM) was a guest at St. Mary's School for girls. He was to give a lecture on events during the second world war. He commenced his lecture by saying, "As I was flying over Basingstoke, there was fockers on the left and there was fockers on the right." The head mistress jumped to her feet and said to the ACM, "I am sure the gels would like some clarification as to the name of the aircraft. The Fokker was a military plane, flown by the enemy." The ACM replied, "Ah, yes mam, but these fockers was flying Messerschmitts."

English literature teacher asked the dumbest pupil in class, "What do you think of Dickens?" The pupil replied, "Don't know, sir. Never been to one."

There used to be a comedy programme on TV called SOAP. It took every day events and blew them up out of all proportion. (OMG "Blew them up") What am I to do to end this madness. I think maybe KitKat has the answer. Let's have a "Love In".

God, how I hate having to explain a joke.

My God, what have I started?

Lying in bed the other night, my wife said to me that she wanted to make love. I told her that I had a headache. I dozed off. A few minutes later she started poking me in the back with the handle of a hairbrush. I woke up and asked her what she was doing. She said that that was what I did to her when she had a headache.

You will probably have to Google "Tic-Tac mints"

It is a Tic-Tac joke.

The General is announcing the situation to his subordinate.

"There are 18 heavily armoured tanks just over the hill, there. Also, at least 40 infantrymen, spread out around them." "Given that situation, what are your preferred tactics?"

"I prefer the minty ones.", he said.

Thanks all for your unsympathetic replies.

THESE FARMERS DO NOT MUCK SPREAD NEAR THEIR OWN HOMES.

Need I say any more?

Also, ................. why bother?

Guy go to the foreman, on a building site.

He asks, "Have you got any oil?"

The foreman responds with, "What do you want the oil for?"

The guy says, "I want to lubricate the wheel on this wheelbarrow. It is making a sound like squeak .......... squeak .......... squeak ........ squeak."

The foreman says, "You're sacked." "It should be going squeak, squeak, squeak, squeak."

I am always nervous about showing my privates to a woman for the first time.

I am always afraid that she'll scream and run out of the park.

Thanks GD.

Hello, this is not a subject that will warm your heart. In fact, if you are familiar with the subject, you will (unless you are a cattle or dairy farmer) have a lot of sympathy for me.
OK down to the chase.
I live in the country side. In other words, I do not have to walk far to see sheep, horses and cattle, etc in field of grass. Also, I should point out, that where I live, there are some 500 houses, BUT there are working farms close by.
OK now to the real chase.

I AM DISCUSTED AND FED UP WITH FARMERS SPREADING SLURRY CLOSE TO HOUSES.

We get no advantage from having a dairy farm just up the road, but come the first sunny day in the spring, we have to close the windows and doors because of the putrid smell. We don't even get offered the occasional carton of milk, for the undisputed discomfort associated with the discusting air quality. Beef farmers, as you will realise, are equally to blame.
Now, I realise that this animal waste has to be dumped, but not at my door. I have discovered that as little as a mile is far enough away, for the smell not to be a problem. So why is there not legislation to tell farmers not to use fields that are closer than a mile to human habitation? OK, let's say that where there are more than ten houses, within a certain space, that the farmers have to find soemwhere else, to dump there foul effluent.

There I've done it. I only hope someone with a bit of clout, could persuade common sense to prevail and give everyone who lives within this air polluted vicinity a break from unfeeling farmers. Why do I say that? Because they don't spread the much anywhere near their own homes.

REALLY?

Wall to wall carpets

Walter Wall carpet salesman do you get it?

A woman was tallking to her doctor, "It is my sister. She has told me that she forgot to take her contradiction pill."

The doctor replied, "Surely you mean contraceptive pill?"

"I'm not sure", said the woman, "that's what she told me."

The doctor said, "Well she must be ignorant".

"Yes," said the woman, "three months".

I guessed as much. Thanks for getting back to me.

I've written a post, but I want to change something. There is NO EDIT function available. I was wondering if it was because I have reached my posting limit?
If so, it seems a bit strange that the system blocks me from changing an already posted comment.

Anyone got any ideas? Please.

I walked into a bar last night.

OUCH

Iron bar.

Thanks Tommy Cooper.