British Deep Sea Divers.

Do they come up to scratch?

Why do ducks have flat feet?

From stamping out forest fires.

Why do elephants have flat feet?

From stamping out flaming ducks.

Hail, Cesar.


OR as answered by a schoolboy, when asked, "What was Hitler's first name?"

"Heil."

Two nuns in the bath.

One says, "Where's the soap?"

The other nun replies, "Yes. Doesn't it?"





Two nuns cycling along a lane.

One nun says, "I've never come this way before."

The other nun says, "Yes, nice isn't it. It must be the cobblestones."

A woman, looking out of her kitchen window, sees her husband's rowing boat, floating close to shore. Her husband had gone to the pier on a small island to do some fishing. Obviously the boat had not been tied up proerly and luckily had blown almost back home. She waded out to the boat and dragged it back to shore. She noted that half of her husband's fishing gear was still in the boat. She returned to the cabin to lock up and dress suitably to row the boat out to the island, where she expected to find her husband.

Only minutes after she had set out, she was approached by the local water bailiff, who arrived in a motorised launch.

He hailed the rowing boat, "What you doing there?"

The woman explained.

He shouted back, "Have you got a licence for that fishing tackle?"

She replied, that, no, the tackle was her husband's and he held the licence.

The bailiff went on, "How do I know you are telling me the truth? It looks to me that you are going fishing illegally."

The woman replied, "That is most certainly not true."

The bailiff replied, "Well you've got the equipment. SO, I'll have to arrest you."

The woman shouted back, "If you put a foot on this boat, I'll scream RAPE!"

The bailiff replied, "What are you talking about? I have no intention of raping you."

"No", said the woman, "but you've got the equipment."

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several
hundred young (hens) layers, called pullets, and eight or ten roosters,
whose job was to fertilize the eggs. The farmer kept records, and any
rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced.

That took an awful lot of his time so he bought sets of tiny bells and
attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John
could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. So, now he
could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by
listening to the bells.

The farmers favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was,
too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell
hadn't rung at all. John went to investigate. The other roosters were
chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters
coming, would run for cover. BUT, to Farmer John's amazement, Butch
had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a
pullet, do his job and proceed to the next one.

John was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the county fair, where
Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result: The
judges not only awarded Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize" but they also
awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly Butch was a Politician in the making. Who else could figure out
how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being
the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they
weren't paying attention?

Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into the house and says to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?" Bessie looks him over, "Nope." Frustrated Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?" Bessie looks up and says, "Sam, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!!" Furious, Sam yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT'S
HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!" To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Sam ------- ya shoulda bought a hat.

A very old couple who have been married forever are sitting on the porch one night. Suddenly, the old woman reaches over and smacks her husband, knocking him off the porch and into the bushes.

He crawls back up and asks, "What was that for?"

She says, "For having a little pecker."

He sits there quietly for a moment, then smacks her, sending her off the
other side of the porch and into the bushes.

She crawls back and says, "What was that for?"

He says, "For knowing there was more than one size."

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another
blonde on the opposite bank.

"Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back,

"You ARE on the other side."

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station.

She tells the mechanic it died.

After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, "What's the story?"

He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."

She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body.

It fitted under his shirt and was not noticeable at all.

On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work.

When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

Discipline was not a problem from that day forth.

A man was walking down the street past his Grandpa's house when he noticed his Grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.

"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?"

The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck.

This is your Grandma's idea."

Joe Biden and Donald Trump somehow ended up at the same barbershop.
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. Trump was quick to stop him saying, "No thanks, my wife Melania will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse."

The second barber turned to Biden and said, "How about you?"

Biden replied, "Go ahead, Jill doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."

Three indians sitting round a campfire.

1st indian says, "How".

2nd indian says, "How".

3rd indian says, "How".

1st indian says, "How".

2nd indian says, "Ugh".

3rd indian says, "Don't change um subject".

A young farm girl answers the door and sees an older neighbour there.

Girl: "My father isn't home, but I know what you want and I can help you.
You want our bull to service your cow. Well, my father charges one hundred quid for his best bull."

Neighbour: "That's not I want."

Girl: "We have a young bull who is just starting out. My father charges fifty quid for him."

Neighbour: "That's not I want."

Girl: "We have an old bull out in the pasture. He can still do a job. My father charges only twenty quid for him."

Neighbour: "That's not what I want. I came here to see your father about your brother. Your brother Kevin made my daughter pregnant."

Girl: "Oh. You'll have to see my father about that because I don't know what he charges for Kevin."

My girlfriend Rennie, suggested a bit of fun, the other day.

She said, "Why don't we make out a list of the top three people we would like to make love with?" "Then we can compare our lists."

I of course agreed.

A short time had passed and she shouted to me, "Are you ready? I've finished my list."

I replied, "Yes."

She said, "OK, let's swap lists and see who we've picked."

I handed over my list and took hers.

On her list was Brad Pitt, Leonardo DeCaprio and Tom Cruise. "Oh my God", I thought, "Wait until she sees my list."

My list was ... Your sister. Your mum. Jean from across the street.

Never saw Rennie much after that. So, be warned, young men. Sometimes it is better to tell lies. Ha ha ha.

HI Jaish, sorry for surfing your joke. It was the crab fishermen gave me the idea.

Husband says to his wife, "What's in these sandwiches?"

She answers, "Crab paste".

"Where to hell did you get it?"

"In the chemist's"

My son has just graduated from university, with firsts in Mecanical Engineering and Veterinary Surgery.

So, if any of you out there want your cat welded, he's your man.

Italians - Slanty little eyes.

Oh, no, Sorry.

Italics







Thanks MJ