What do you call a Jewish midget?

Leprecohen.

Mary comes home from school and says to her mum, "Oh Mammy, I am pregnant."

Her Mammy, looks up from her magizine and says, "Are ye sure it's yours?"

Have you heard the one about the hen that laid the square egg?

No?

I thought that everyone had heard that.

In the park the other day, I passed a guy giving life support to a lady, who was lying half in and half out of a decorative pond. He was pumping her chest and water was gushing out from her mouth. In between pumping the guy said, "I'm trying to revive this lady. She must have fallen into the pond and lost consciousness. I've been pumping like this for over 5 minutes and water keeps pouring out from her mouth." I said to him, "If you don't take her bottom out of the water, you'll pump the pond dry."

Thanks Jethro.

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.

Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

Blind man in a store, is swinging his dog round by the tail.

Shop assistant approaches and says, "Hey! Mister, what do you think you're doing?"

Blind man says, "Just looking round, son!"

My name is Raymond Trout.

I am going to Scotland, to find out if I have any chance of becoming the next Socttish Premier. My name would lead me to believe that I am the right person for the job.

Salmond next Sturgeon next ME (Trout)

My parents are coming up for the weekend.

They live in the basement.

I'm only joking.

I don't know who they are.

MJ.

I went to our local pet shop yesterday.

I said to the shopkeeper, "Hello, Can I buy a wasp?"

The shopkeeper replied, "He he he, we don't sell wasps."

I was indignant, "Well, you've got two in your window."

Steve Wright in the afternoon.

Don't tell anyone.

Idiot. I meant SWita.

SRita.

I worked with a guy from Ireland, his name was Declan O'Farrell. Not his real name. He arrived at work one day quite late. He explained that the local council had turned off his water supply, because he hadn't paid the water bill. Apparently he had to drive to a friend's house to borrow a key for the water valve, so that he could turn the water supply on again.
This story went on for about 6 months. He didn't pay the bill, they turned the water off. He turned it back on again.
He came in one morning in a rage, not only had the council turned off the water supply, They had dug up the road around the valve and moved it under the road. Then tarmaced the road over the top of it. Every time this happened his wife would give him grief until the water was turned on again.
This went on for a while until one day he came in to work, covered with what looked like tar and soil. He told us that he had been up most of the night digging up the road to find where the council had buried the valve. He told us, "I had to dig six holes to find the damned valve."
When we had stopped laughing, I think I had suggested to him, that it might be easier to pay his water bill. I won't tell you what he said.

Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A. Both of them.
Q. Why did the man cross the road?
A. He heard the chicken was a slut.
Q. Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A. They don't have time
Q. What do men and sperm have in common?
A. They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.
Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer.
Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
A. The bonds mature.
Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.
Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A. We don't know; it has never happened.
Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
A. They already have boyfriends.
Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.
Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
A. They're married.

A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious'.
Roland, the class swot, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my Mum said it was contagious".
"Well done, Roland" says the teacher. "Can anyone else try"?
Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says here's a bug going round, and it's contagious".
"Well done, Katie" says the teacher, "Anyone else"?
Little Irish Shaun jumps up and says in a broad Irish voice, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two-inch brush and my Dad says it will take the contagious."

A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?"

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humour!"

Sadly the decision has to be made. Certainly, flattening the curve, must have allowed the NHS to save some lives, as pointed out the emergency hospitals were not needed. Therefore we can deduce that the population was obeying the instructions to either self-distance or shield. The point I was trying to make was that protecting the NHS instead of vulnerable and the economy, might be something we all will regret for many years.

AND yes I do consider myself vulnerable. I also believe that I got a weakened strain of the virus before Christmas last year. I had bought a beachball from China and I think only for the fact that it took about 4 weeks to travel from China to Britain and therefore made it weaker, I probably would have been infected with full blown covid 19

I am sure this subject will rattle round for ages, I hope a vaccine will soon be available for everyone and we can all get back to a normal life. Do we know what is normal anymore?

The figure was/is hypothetical. Sure I could have said 2000000. Would that have made any difference to my arguemenmt? No. How about if I had used 3.175% of the British population. The point I was trying to make was the fact that the countiy's economy is going down the toilet, regardless of the outcome of NOT protecting the vulnerable, but just flattening the curve.

Sharon, a blonde was involved in a serious crash; there's blood everywhere.

The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she's lying flat out on the floor.

Medic: "OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed."

Sharon: "Ok"

Medic: "Ok then how many fingers am I putting up?"

Sharon: "Oh my god I'm paralysed from the waist down!"

A blonde was driving down the A13 when her car phone rang.

It Was her boyfriend, urgently warning her, "Treacle, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the A13. Please be careful!"

"It's not just one car!" said the Essex girl, "There's hundreds of them!"