A young kid playing in the front of the house when his father came home from work, rushed up to him to tell him the news.

Daddy, Daddy, we nearly lost Mummy today.

Really, son, what happened?

I got home from school early today, because the teacher was sick. When I got into the house I could hear Mummy shouting.

What was she shouting, son?

She was shouting, Oh, God, I'm coming. Oh God I'm coming. So, I ran upstairs to make sure she was OK.

She was lying on the bed and I am sure that if it hadn't been for the mailman holding her down, she would have gone to heaven.

Have you heard of the judge with no balls?


Justice Toole.

What do a clitoris, an anniversary and a toilet have in common?




Men usually miss all three.

Road Rage
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder. This evidently pissed the driver off enough, that he hung out his window and flipped the woman off. "Man, that guy is stupid" I thought to myself I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and here's why: I drive 38 miles each way every day to work, that's 76 miles round trip. Of these, 16 each way, is bumper-to-bumper, most of the bumper-to-bumper is on 8 lane highway. So if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass something like a new car every 40 feet per lane. That's 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars. Even though the rest of the 34 miles
is not bumper to bumper. I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to
something like 36,000 cars I pass every day. Statistically half of these are driven by females, that's 18,000. In any given group of females 1 in 28 are having the worst day of their period.
That's 642. According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding, that's 449, according to the National Institutes of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide, that's 98, and 34% describe men as their biggest problem, that's 33. According to the National Rifle Association 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing. That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that, has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, is having the worst day of her period and is armed. No matter what she does in traffic, I wouldn't DREAM of flipping her off.

Charlie Ebdo. Probably wrong, but these days you can't be too careful.

Osama bin Laden goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you." He stops and ponders the predicament before him, then continues..."You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." Osama thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed. The devil opened the first room: in it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed-over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. No," bin Laden said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long." The devil led him to the next room: in it was Tony Blair with sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," said Osama. The devil opened a third door. In it, Osama saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Osama bin Laden looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said, "OK, Monica, you're free to go."

He said, "I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it."

She said, "You wear pants don't you?"

He said, "Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly."

She said, "Well, you succeeded!"

He said, "Shall we try swapping positions tonight?"

She said, "That's a good idea, you do the ironing, while I sit on the sofa and fart!"

He said, "What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?"

She said, "Turn sideways and look in the mirror!"

He said, "Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?"

She said, "I would but you're never there."

On a wall in a ladies room, it says, "My husband follows me, everywhere."

Written just below it, it says, "I do not."

Funny enough.

Would have been better if it had been what my eyesight thought it was.

I read it as Vasaline Trials.

Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, "You are
charged with beating your wife to death with a spanner."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You b*stard!"

The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your daughter to
death with a spanner."

Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You ****ing
b*stard!!!"

The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and
said, "I can understand your anger and frustration at this terrible crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt. Now what is the problem?"

The man stood up and responded, "For fifteen years I lived next door to that b*stard. And every time I asked to borrow a spanner, he said he didn't have one!"

A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home with her. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured his ashes out on the counter. Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him.

"Irving, you know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money."

"Irving, remember that new car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money."

"Irving, you know that emerald necklace you promised me? I bought it, too, with the insurance money."

Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Irving, remember that blow job I promised you? Here it comes..."

I think Groucho Marx was of the same breed.

He is reported to have said, "I never forget a face, but for you, I'll make an exception."

A witness interviewed by the police after a man died from a fall from the 24 floor of an office block.

"You're telling me," said the policeman, "that you reckon this guy died from a venereal disease?"

"Yes", answered the witness, "when he passed my window, on the twelfth floor, I could swear he said, I'm a gonorrhea."

The doctor is examining the little old lady and says, "OK, big breaths, now."

The little old lady says, "Yes, but you should have seen them when I was nineteen."

Elderly lady says to the doctor, "Oh, doctor, I am hurting all over the place."

The doctor replies, "Can you point to the places that hurt you the most?"

The little lady touches her shoulder, "Ouch!" She touches her cheek, "Ouch!" She touches her thigh, "Ouch!"

The doctor leans forward and says gently, "Please tell me, before your hair went grey, were you blonde?"

"Why yes", said the little old lady, "What made you ask?"

"Because you got a broken finger."

Why do hen's eggs have a pointed end?

So that the hen's bottom doesn't close with a bang.



Have you heard about the hen that laid a square egg?


I thought that everyone within 100 miles heard that one.

Two elderly people on the dance floor.

She is saying to him, "No,no,no, Mister Tomkins, I said that I have acute angina."

A Doctor, standing beside an elderly patient and almost shouting into his ear, saying, "YES MR TOMKINS, THAT WAS VERY LOUD, BUT I SAID THAT I WOULD LIKE TO HEAR YOUR HEART".

A guy was driving home one evening when he suddenly realizes that it is his daughter's birthday and that he hasn't bought her anything.

Out the corner of his eye he sees a shopping mall.

Knowing it was "now or never", he pulls his car through three lanes of traffic, finds a parking bay and runs into the mall.

After a frantic search he finds a toy store, goes inside and attracts the attention of a shop assistant.

When asked what he would like, he simply says "a Barbie doll".

The shop assistant looks at him in the particularly condescending manner that only shop assistants can muster up and asks, "Which Barbie would that be, sir?"

The man looks surprised so the assistant continues, "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Night Clubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00"

The man can't help himself and asks, "why is Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the other Barbies are selling for $19.95?"

"That's obvious!" the assistant exclaims,

"Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's furniture ...."

Santa appeared in an American court.

He was being cross-examined by the lawyer of a jumped up woman with her nose stuck up in the air.

The lawyer went on, "Did you, Mr Clause, or did you not, call my client, not once, not twice, but three times, a ho?"

Unfortunately NO.

I have been collecting them for nearly 30 years.