Harry always got drunk before going home after work. His wife, Jane, would shout at him until she got a headache. One day while talking to a friend, Jane explained the goings on after work with Harry. The friend suggested treating Harry differently. Taking off his shoes, making him a cup of coffee and maybe giving him a kiss. So Jane tried that the next evening. Jane did as her friend had said. Even down to giving Harry a big kiss. Then she added a bit of her own treatment and said to Harry, "Do you think we should go to bed now?" Harry replied, "We might as well, I'm going to get a terrible rollicking when I get home, anyway."

A little boy, in the toilet of a department store, was watching an older man having a pee.

He said, "My dad has two of those."

"Oh, really?" said the man.

"Yes" said the boy, "One he uses to pee with and the other to chase mom round the house with."

The following are from a book called Disorder in the Court, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

Some of these are excellent; don't miss the last one.


Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.

My friend had a condition that he had to go to his doctor about. When he was passing wind, it made a sound like 'honda'. Very strange. The doctor asked him when it started. He told the doctor that it had started when his wife had gone to stay with her mother for a while. The doctor slapped his thigh and said, "I think I've found the problem."

He said, "It's because absence makes the farts go honda"

On a sunny day in April, the photographer arrived at the Womans' Institute (WI) to take a group photograph.

There was already a group of women waiting for events to unfold.

The photographer was setting up his camera on a tripod and put his head under the black cloth.

One woman, seeing this, asked, "What's he doing?"

Another woman answered her, "He's going to focus."

The first woman replied, "WHAT?" "All of us?"

Two kids arguing one says, "I'll bet you it is spelled wooombaah".

The other one replies, "Nah, it has to be spelled whooomboooh".

A little old lady, just passing overheard the two kids.

As she passes she said, "The actual spelling is plain and simple W-O-M-B".

The two kids look at each other in amazement.

Then one says, "Don't listen to her. I'll bet she's never even seen a real hippopotamus, let alone heard one fart."

An elderly woman comes into the butcher's shop and asks, "Could I have a pound of sausages?"
The butcher replies, "Sorry madam, we're right out of sausages."
"OK", she says, "Could I have a pound of kidley?"
The butcher replies, "Surely madam you mean a pound of kidney."
"Didle aye say that?", returns the woman, "Also could I have a pound of sausages?"
The butcher replies, "Sorry madam, we're right out of sausages."
"Oh right", says the woman, "I'll bet you ten, no, twenty that you can't get me a sirloin off that top shelf, without using a ladder."
The butcher replies, "Sorry madam, I'm not a gambling man."
"Why not?" she asks.
The butcher replies, "Because the steaks are too high."
"Oh, then give me a pound of sausages. Please."
"Can you just humour me, madam and spell these words containing the letter F?"
"OK" she replies.
He says, "Furniture".
She says, "f-u-r-n-i-t-u-r-e"
He says, "Flood".
She says, "f-l-o-o-d"
He says, "Sausages"
She says, nothing for a moment. Then nothing for another moment. Then she says, "There's no F in sausages."
The butcher replies, "I've been trying to tell you that for the last half hour."

An electric circuit complained to me one day.

"I've lost an electron."

I said, "Are you sure?"

The reply was, "Yes, I'm positive."

To understand this joke, you have to know that men from Derry are a bit workshy. I have no experience of this, but if you believe it, it will make this joke work for you.

In the middle of the afternoon, a Derry man was sitting on a barstool sipping his pint of draught Guinness. The door swung open and a little guy minced in. Blonde curly hair, tight fitting pale grey suit, lavender shirt and pink tie. He went up to the bar and ordered a pink gin, in a cocktail glass with a cherry on a stick. He climbed onto a barstool at the end of the bar where the Derry man was sitting. They both sat there for over half an hour with no one speaking. Then the curly haired guy slid off his stool and edged up to the Derry man. He leant forward and whispered into the Derry man's ear, "Do you fancy a B/Job?"
The Derry man was off his stool in a flash. Hit the curly haired guy such a punch that he flew across the bar and crashed into the dukebox. The Derry man was after him, swinging his boot at the wee guy, who was running as fast as his wee legs could carry him towards the door of the bar.
The Derry man went back to his seat at the bar and continued to sip his pint. The barman approched the Derry man and nervously asked, "What was all that about, Paddy? What did the wee guy say to you?"
The Derry man replied, "Ah couldn't tell you for sure, but I'm sure he mentioned a job."

This is just a "By-the-way" in an attempt to avoid any confusion, caused by anyone actually wanting to test the TRUE/FALSE statement, mentioned above. i.e. BLACK = WHITE = FALSE.
You might be surprised to find, that in computer parlance, the expression - BLACK = WHITE is actually TRUE. Also, so is the expression - CHALK = CHEESE.
No magic involved. It is simply that the program interpreter sees the name BLACK as a user defined variable, with a probable value of NULL. Also WHITE is also seen as having a value of NULL. Therefore, they are, in fact both equal and the statement BLACK = WHITE is TRUE.

This was written for Access basic, about 25 years ago. It shouldn't be difficult for someone with rudementary programming skills to convert the code into something usable. A guy who plagerised my code back then (without any reference to my work) converted it to Visual Basic.

I was browsing a Visual Basic website, looking for free software, when I found a site covering the calculation of a person's age from their date of birth. There were over 50 submissions and I admit I didn't have time to read them all, but what I did notice with the ones that I read, was that some of the calculations were only approximate. Some of them even counted the number of days from the birth date to the present day and then divided the total by 365.25 (one year plus a quarter day, to allow for leap years).

Here is a one line piece of code that is accurate to the day. Copy and paste these three lines of code into your visual basic debug or immediate windows and alter the date of birth to see the changes.

DOB=#26/10/1903# 'variable DOB holds the date of birth, which needs the hash (#) markers.

Age = (DatePart("yyyy", Date) - DatePart("yyyy", DOB)) + (Date < (DateSerial(DatePart("yyyy", Date), DatePart("m", DOB), DatePart("d", DOB)))) 'these lines are actually one line.

PRINT Age

A quick look at the workings of the code above.

DOB = a user defined variable. DOB means nothing, I could have called it "housebrick".
AGE = a user defined variable. Again this could have been any name, e.g. "YearsOld".

Now to the nitty-gritty.

DatePart = a visual basic defined function. It can be used to extract days, quarters, weeks etc. In the example above I have used it to extract the Year Number from "Date".

Date = a visual basic defined function. It is used to pull the date part from your computer's system clock. So, DatePart("yyyy", Date) will return 2003 for this year, or whatever year you are trying this piece of code.

The same functions are used to calculate the year number of the date of birth. I have used 1903 as the year to make checking the calculation easier. The (DOB) year number is subtracted from the (Date) year number, i.e. 2003-1903 the answer = 100. Now, that is the easy part. The next part is to make the code recognise the actual day that the birthday falls.

This part uses a function that is built into all programming codes, i.e. "True" and "False"
TRUE = -1 and FALSE = 0. That is minus one for TRUE and zero for FALSE. We can use this to adjust the AGE right down to the day.

After the code has calculated the "Year" difference between the DOB and TODAY, there has to be a way for the code to recognise that, although the year difference is correct, the actual date of the subject's birthday hasn't arrived yet. Example, using a 100 year old person born on the 1st of June, 1903 that person isn't actually 100 until 1st of June, 2003. Dates before the 1st of June make the person only 99. So, the tricky piece of code to adjust this uses the value -1 TRUE, if the Month and Day of this year is less than the Month and Day of the birthday year. What the code does is "makes a statment" that can be checked against either "TRUE" or "FALSE".
For instance: BLACK = WHITE would return FALSE which equals 0 (zero)
BLACK = BLACK would return TRUE which equals -1 (minus one) or even
7 < 10 (seven is less than ten) which is TRUE = -1
The statement the code uses can be broken down into manageable chunks if I describe it in smaller detail. After the year difference has been calculated, the TRUE/FALSE statement is added.
+ (Date < (DateSerial(DatePart("yyyy", Date), DatePart("m", DOB), DatePart("d", DOB))))

PLUS (+) (we are going to add the TRUE or FALSE value to the year difference calculation).
Date (returns the date taken from the computer's system clock)
< is less than
DateSerial visual basic function, to convert numbers into a date.
In the order: year,month,day e.g. 1st June 1902 = DateSerial(1902,6,1)
Notice that the code creates a date that is made up from the year number of this year and the month and day from the date of birth. This is so that the calculation (or statement) is only concerned with the month and day values.
DatePart Is explained above.

Basically the statement says that if the Month and Day from this year is less than the Month and Day from the date of birth (in other words, the birthday has yet to come) then the answer is TRUE = -1, so, the code adds -1 to the calculation. Converting 100 to 99. If on the other hand if the Month and Day values are the same (today is the birthday) then the statement is FALSE = zero, so zero is added to 100 the result is 100. The same applies to dates after the birthday which will calculate as FALSE.

A very complicated description, I'm sorry, but if you use the code and don't worry about how it works, who cares. I am sure that this is not the only possible calculation for age, in fact it is such a common function of most personal details databases, that it must have been "cracked" a long time ago. I am really surprised that visual basic code still does not have a function called "AGE" that will do all the work for us code writers.

I used to work in Customer Support.

Our favourite response to idiot customers was:-

There is a problem between the seat and the screen.

I was sitting in the pub with my mate Denzile.

He had just got himself a part-time job in a mortuary.

He asked me, "Why is it that some ladies have a prawn between their legs?"

I laughed and explained, "That's not a prawn. That's a clitoris."

He said, "Well, it tastes like a prawn."



Thanks Jethro.

I went into a shop yesterday and a girl came and asked me what I wanted.

I said in my most repectful voice, "Could I please have a bunch of flowers, just like the one in the window?"

The girl replied, "Oh sorry sir, we are not a flower shop, we're a circumcision clinic."

I said, "Well, you've got a bunch of flowers in your window."

The girl replied, "Yes sir, but what would you suggest we put in the window?"

Sometimes takes a while for the penny to drop. Very funny.

Could it possibly be that the same nurse was in the operating theatre when the surgeon said, "Oh my God, nurse. I said to remove his spectacles."

At St. Mary's Catholic Girls School, Father O'Halloran was holding an open confessional. First off he said, "Well, has anyone of you girls ever touched a man's privates?" Siobhan spoke up, "Oh, yes Father, I once touched a boy's privates." "Right," said the priest, "Go and put your finger in the Holy Water and say 5 Hail Marys." "Is there anyone else?" said the Father. Caroline spoke up, "Oh, yes Father, I once held a boy's privates." "Go, this minute," Said Farther O'Halloran, "and put your whole hand into the Holy Water and say 10 hail Marys." There was a comotion in the room and Astrid pushed her way to the front of the class. She burst out, "Oh, Father, if I have to gargle that Holy Water can I please do it, before Veronica sticks her bottom in it?"
Class dismissed.

When I was much younger, one day at school, my friend turned up wearing a beautiful wrist watch. "Where did you get that?" I asked him. He told me that he had heard his parents' bed springs squeaking and had gone to investigate. When he opened their door, his mum and dad were making love. Later his dad had said to him that if he kept it a secret, he would buy him a watch. So, here it was.

Later that week, I too heard my parents' bed squeaking and went into their room, hoping I could catch them making love. Sure enough, they were. My dad looked round at me and said, "What do you want?" I replies, "I wanna watch." My dad answered with, "Well pull up a chair and be quiet."

An Australian was standing in an Irish pub, telling everybody how big things were in Australia. He talked about flocks of sheep as big as a county in Ireland. He talked about roads in Australia that were so long, you could fit Ireland into them ten times. Then he told everyone in the pub about his farm, where he could get into his car and drive all day and never reach the far fence. Paddy who was getting fed up with all this boasting, stood up and said to the Australian, "Ah, sure, I used to have a car like that."

I went into a large department store to buy a Christmas tree. I chose a rather nice one. When I went to the check-out the young man there asked me, "Are you going to put it up yourself?" I felt rather shocked at such a question and replied, "No, I was thinking about putting it up in the living room."

Thanks GD.