One day, a trucker is driving down the highway, when he sees a priest walking along side the road. Now, he's not a very pious man, but he's feeling a little guilty due to the way he's been living his life. So, he stops and picks up the priest.

They are driving down the road, when the trucker spots a lawyer walking alongside the road. Without thinking, he swerves toward the lawyer (he had a particularly bad divorce recently.) At the last second, he realizes what he's doing, and with a priest in the cab with him! He swerves to miss the lawyer, but still hears a sickening thud.

The man, completely stricken and sick at what he had done, turns to the priest, and says, "Father, I am so sorry, I really did try to miss him, I don't know what I was thinking. Can you forgive me?"

The priest turns to him and says, "Oh, it's alright, I got him with my door."



-Josiah

ps. appologies in advance to ladyblack :P

Two cross country bicyclists are...well, riding cross country, and it's getting close to sunset, when everything to the west is a black silhouette. They decide they should find a place to unroll their sleeping bags before the sun goes completely down. Just before they decide on a place to sleep, they see a large figure on the road at the crest of a hill.

They decide to ride on, and check it out, before they call it a night. As they get closer, they realize it's a man, laying in the road with his ear to the ground, muttering something. As they get closer, they can hear what he's saying, and it goes something like this:

"Blue '85 Ford Bronco, 3 passengers, German Shepherd in the back seat, goodyear tires, going about 65mph."

Amazed, one of the bicyclists exclaims "You can tell all that from having your ear to the ground?!"

The man looks over toward him, and says, "Hell no! It just ran me over!"



-Josiah

Fred, Bill, and George are all in a jet, flying across a large city. They decide that each of them is going to throw something out of the airplane. Fred throws out a barbell, Bill throws out an anvil, and George throws out a bomb.

Later that day, a policeman is walking through town, when he sees a young girl crying. He stops to ask her what's the matter, and she tells him that she was approaching this cute little kitten, when all of a sudden a barbell fell out of the sky and killed it.

Not too long after that, the policeman sees a little boy crying on the sidewalk. He asks the boy what's wrong, and the boy tells him that he was walking his dog, when an anvil fell out of the sky and killed his dog.

Continuing his patrol, the man sees a boy rolling on the ground laughing. He stops and asks the boy what's so funny, and the boy says, "Well, I farted and the building behind me blew up!"




-Josiah

A man decides one day to come home early from work, and surprise his wife with a nice bouquet of flowers, and then a nice dinner at their favorite restaurant.

He pulls into the parking lot of their apartment complex, looks up at the 10th floor window to his apartment, and sees two silhouettes standing *real* close together.

Furious, he races up the stairs, and bursts into the room, to find his wife standing there in her robe, two empty wine glasses on the table.

He runs through the house, looking in every hiding place, destroying things as he goes. Finding nobody in there, he storms out onto the balcony for a breather. Lo and behold, there is a set of fingers holding onto the edge of the balcony.

He stomps on the fingers, until the man holding on falls. In a miraculous stroke of luck, the man falls into a dumpster. The husband sees that the man is still moving, and so he drags the refrigerator out of the house, and hefts it over the edge, to fall and crush the man below. Just after getting the refrigerator over the edge, the husband falls dead as a stone, as his heart failed from the strain.

Suddenly, the husband, and two other men are standing in front of the pearly gates, and St Peter tells them that heaven is almost full, there is room for only one more. Whomever died the most tragic death, will be accepted, and the other two are just out of luck.

So St. Peter turns to the husband, and he asks him how he died. The husband tells him the story, and St. Peter shakes his head in sorrow.

He then turns to the second man, and asks him how he died. The man tells him that he was washing the windows on the 12th story of an apartment building, when he fell. By some miracle, he managed to catch hold of the edge of the balcony two stories below, and hold on. But before he could pull himself up, some LUNATIC came out and stomped on his fingers, and he fell. Amazingly, he landed in a dumpster, and was in pain, but still very much alive. Then, the lunatic from the 10th floor came out, and threw a refrigerator over the railing, crushing him to death.

St Peter again shakes his head in sorrow. He then turns to the third guy, and asks him how HE died.

The third man says, "Well, I was hiding in the refrigerator when..."



-Josiah

very funny

My friend always told me that he didn't go skinny dipping, he went chunky dunkin

That would be pretty neat

I'm starting to run out of jokes...used to tell them on field trips in school, having a hard time remembering them.

Once upon a time, a grandfather advised his grandson that if he put a pinch of black powder on everything he ate for the rest of his life, he would lead a long, healthy, happy life. The grandson took this to heart, and so put a pinch of black powder on every meal for his entire life.

He died in his sleep at 107 years old, and left behind 4 children, 9 grand children, 27 great grand children, and a 12 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.


all in fun,
-Josiah

Three archaeologists went down into the remote jungles of South America, searching for lost Incan ruins. After a time, they are ambushed by a tribe of natives, knocked unconscious, and carried back into the village.

Later that day, when they all awake, their wrists are tied to a pole, and the entire tribe is lined up watching them. The chief, adorned in an ornate feathered costume, approaches them, and he says in a deep booming voice, "Prisoners! You each have a choice to make. Your choice, is death, or UNGA BUNGA!"

The first archaeologist tell the chief that he is not ready to die, and so he chooses unga bunga.

The chief makes a grand gesture, and says, "UNGA....BUNGA!!"

A tribesman comes out of a nearby hut, with nothing on, who is hung like a horse. Literally. He has his way with the first archaeologist, who is left battered and broken, feeling all the world like he was dying.

The chief then turns to the second archaeologist, and asks him which he chooses.

The archaeologist, also says that he is not ready to die, and so he chooses unga bunga.

Again, the chief makes a grand gesture, and says, "UNGA...BUNGA!!"

Pretty soon, the second man is in worse shape than the first, and the chief approaches the third archaeologist. The other two archaeologists tell the third to choose death, as nothing can be worse than unga bunga.

The third archaeologist, in tears, tells the chief that he cannot choose unga bunga, and so he chooses DEATH!

The chief turns to the crowd, extends his arms to the sky, and proclaims in that booming voice, "DEATH! BY UNGA BUNGA!!"


all in fun,
-Josiah

You've heard of Mahatma Gandhi, of course. As many of you know, and some of you are now finding out, he often walked around barefoot. Given the nature of his view on things, and some of the things he did, he had a mystical sort of feel to him. He was also a vegitarian, and sometimes had severely bad breath. All of these things put together makes him a:

super-callused-fragile-mystic-plagued-by-halitosis

(say it out loud, if you don't get it, and think of mary poppins ;) )


all in fun,
-Josiah

What did the old man with alzheimers say as he was pissin' into the wind?

"Aaaaahhhh, it's all coming back to me!"




all in fun,
-Josiah

Gus, Steve, and Mike are driving across country on a road trip, when their car breaks down on a desolate stretch of road. They decide to get out and walk to the next town, to see if they can get a tow truck. After a few miles, it starts getting dark, and cold, and they decide to stop at a nearby farmhouse, and see if they can get a place to stay.

They approach the house, knock the door, and pretty soon, a gnarled old farmer answers the door, with a sawed off shotgun held in his hands, and pointed at them.

"What the hell do yall want? Don'tcha know this is private property?"

"Well yes, sir," replies Steve, the braver of the three, "but our car broke down a few miles back, and we were wondering if you might be able to put us up for the night."

The farmer looks them up and down, considers for a moment, and then motions for them to follow him inside. When the last of them closes the door, the farmer turns around, faces them, and tells them that he has three different places that they can sleep. One place in the barn with the sheep, one with the pigs in the sty, and one with his eighteen beautiful daughters. However, he warns them (shaking his shotgun for emphasis,) that if he finds out that any of them has touched any of his daughters, he won't hesitate to shoot them.

Gus decides to sleep with the sheep, since he doesn't think he could keep his hands off of them. Steve decides to sleep with the pigs, since he also doesn't think he could hold back. Mike, with no choice, has to sleep with the daughters.

The night passes, and the three resume their walk to the next town. Mike turns to Gus, and asks him, "How do you feel? Sleeping with the sheep and all?"

"I feel like a sheep," Gus replies, with a grunt. "How do you feel, Steve, after sleeping with the pigs?"

"I feel like a pig. How about you Mike?"

"I feel like a golfball," says Mike.

"A golfball?"

Mike looks at them, winks, and says, "Yeah, you know...in and out of those 18 holes..."



all in fun,
-Josiah

Q: What do you do with 365 used rubbers?

A: Melt em down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.




All in fun,
-Josiah

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a rooster?

A: A rooster goes "cockadoodledoo," a blond goes "anycock'lldo"


bad, I know

*hug* sorry ladyblack67, insert politician instead of lawyer, and it still works just fine

all in fun,
-Josiah

Deep in the woods, in a place where people rarely visit, lives a rabbit that was born blind. For years, he has run the same path, knows every root, and every bump or rock. One day, running down this same path, he trips and tumbles over what seems to be a large stick in the path.

There comes a hiss from behind him, that startles the rabbit, and he asks "Who's there?"

To which the snake replies, "It's me, are you blind?"

The rabbit tells him that, in fact, he is. As it turns out, the snake was also born blind, and the two end up talking about the difficulties of their positions. After a time, the rabbit confesses to the snake that, since he was born blind, he really doesn't know what kind of animal he is. The snake tells him that he also doesn't know what he is, and so the two strike a bargain. The snake will feel the rabbit, and tell him what he thinks he is. The rabbit will then feel the snake, and tell him what he thinks he is.

The snake feels the rabbit, and he tells him "You've got long ears, a fluffy little tail, and long powerful back legs. I think that you're a rabbit."

The rabbit, then much relieved to know what he is, then feels the snake, and he tells him "Well, you're cold, slimy, and you've got no balls. I think you're a lawyer."

Get Off of My Cloud---Rolling Stones

Tumbling Dice in my pants

I Can't Get No Satisfaction in my pants

Brown Sugar- Between The Sheets