i ate a teletubby because i'm a pimp.

This'll be it for tonight, hope you folks enjoyed some of what I've posted


#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9. You can keep one handgun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8. If you admire a friend's handgun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7. Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you keep another handgun for a backup.

#6. Your handgun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5. A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4. Handguns function normally every day of the month.

#3. A handgun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2. A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the number one reason a handgun is favored over a woman

#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A HANDGUN.

How To Shower Like a Woman:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How To Shower Like a Man:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.
Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Pee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
Admire wiener size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.

not at all anonwho :P

Q.What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?

A: A cherry float.



Q: What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?

A: 1 US leader



Q: What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?

A: Beat it - we're closed.



Q: Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?

A: To find a tight seal.



Q: What's the difference between sin and shame?**

A: It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.



Q: What's the speed limit of sex?

A: 68; at 69 you have to turn around.



Q: Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?

A: She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"



Q: Why is air a lot like sex?

A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.



Q: What's another name for pickled bread?

A: Dill-dough.



Q: Why are Monica Lewinsky's cheeks so puffy?

A: She's withholding evidence.



Q: What's the difference between light and hard?

A: You can sleep with a light on.



Q: Why is sex like a bridge game?

A: You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.



Q: What's the definition of macho?

A: Jogging home from your own vasectomy.



Q: What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?

A: Their balls are just for decoration.

The government today announced that it is changing its
emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM because it more
accurately reflects the government's political stance.


A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.

Kirk was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man, who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

Kirk took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" Kirk asked.

"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food? Kirk asked.

"Are you NUTS?!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years.

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" Kirk asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said Kirk, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife Kim."

The homeless man was astounded, "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?"

I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

Kirk replied, "That's okay. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up beer, gambling, golf and sex."

A married couple was on vacation in Jamaica. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods when they passed this small sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, "You! Foreigners! Come in, come into my humble shop."
So the married couple walked in.

The Jamaican said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. They make you wild at sex."

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was.

The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"

The Jamaican replied, "Just try them on."

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.

The Jamaican then began screaming; "YOU GOT THEM ON THE WRONG FEET!!!"

We've all been there but don't like to admit it.We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work,
following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it.
No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not
exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If thisoccurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.


CAMO-COUGH A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, orto alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toiletwater. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermeloncoming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANAOMELET A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashesin the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using aCamo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Couldspend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom as empty. This
benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

D A M N I T O L
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

ST. M O M M A'S W O R T
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.

E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.

P E P T O B I M B O
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

D U M B E R O L
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

F L I P I T O R
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

M E N I C I L L I N
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as "You make me want to be a better person. Can we get naked now?"

BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

J A C K A S S P I R I N
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.

A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

N A G A M E N T
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him.

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"

The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied,! "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the husband asked." Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

1. ARBITRATOR: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonalds.



2. AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tried to do.



3. BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage.



4. BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with.



5. CONTROL: A short, ugly inmate.



6. COUNTERFEITERS: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.



7. ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living.



8. EYEDROPPER: A clumsy ophthalmologist.



9. HEROES: What a guy in a boat does.



10. LEFTBANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of money.



11. MISTY: How golfers create divots.



12. PARADOX: Two physicians.



13. PARASITES: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower .



14. PHARMACIST: A helper on the farm.



15. POLARIZE: What penguins see with.



16. PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.



17. RELIEF: What trees do in the spring?



18. RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife.



19. SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does.



20. SUDAFED: Brought litigation against a government official

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife, pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed up, we could get rid of your control top panty hose".

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.

The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said, "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."

This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his 'you know what' and with a death grip in place, said, "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the pool man, and your brother."

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.



Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favourite positions. One said, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."
"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy. "What is it?"
"Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, "Boy, these feel just like your sister's."

A 75 year old man went to his doctor to get a sperm count.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring meback a semen sample tomorrow" The next day, the 75 year old manreturned to the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened, and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this....First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing

She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arlene, the lady next door, and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeez'n it between her knees, but still nothing".

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor". The old Man replied, "yep, but no matter what all 3 of us tried, with our arthritis, we still couldn't get the jar open".

"I'm afraid of needles!"

S=the Symptom
F=the Fault or cause
A=the Action to be taken

S: Feet cold and wet.
F: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
A: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

S: Feet warm and wet.
F: Improper bladder control.
A: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

S: Beer unusually pale and tasteless................
F: Glass empty.
A: Get someone to buy you another beer.

S: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
F: You have fallen over backward.
A: Have yourself leashed to bar.

S: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
F: You have fallen forward.
A: See above.

S: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
F: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
A: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

S: Floor blurred.
F: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
A: Get someone to buy you another beer.

S: Floor moving.
F: You are being carried out.
A: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

S: Room seems unusually dark.
F: Bar has closed.
A: Confirm home address with bartender.

S: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
F: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
A: Cover mouth.

S: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
F: You are dancing on the table.
A: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

S: Beer is crystal-clear.
F: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
A: Punch him.

S:Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
F: You have been in a fight.
A: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

S: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
F: You've wandered into the wrong party.
A: See if they have free beer.

S: Your singing sounds distorted.
F: The beer is too weak.
A: Have more beer until your voice improves.

S: Don't remember the words to the song.
F: Beer is just right.
A: Play air guitar.

You bet

lol glad you liked them...the last one really cracks me up.