These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
__________________________________
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
______________________________________
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
_____________________________________
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? _____________________________________
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken? ______________________________________
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time? ______________________________________
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated? ______________________________________
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
______________________________________
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you per formed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. ______________________________________
Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
Q: What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
______________________________________
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
______________________________________
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? _________________________________________________
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

Nick the Dragon Slayer was an official in the King's
court. He had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle the
beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts, but he knew the
penalty for this would be death.
One day he revealed his secret desire to his
colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King's
chief doctor. Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he
could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy
his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to
arrange it.

Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed
to have Horatio the Physician arrange it and that he
would gladly pay the 1,000 gold coins for the chance
to satisfy his desires for the Queen.

The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of
itching powder and poured a little bit into the
Queen's massive brassiere while she was taking a bath.
Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew
intense.

Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address
this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King
and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for
four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that
tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the
Dragon Slayer had present the antidote to cure the
itch.

The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer.
Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon
Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he
quickly put it into his mouth, and for the next four
hours, worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous
and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was
eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left
satisfied and as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer
found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of
1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied,
Nick the Dragon Slayer could have cared less, and
knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report
this matter to the King shooed him away with no
payment made.

The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive
dose of the same itching powder into the King's
loincloth. The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon
Slayer...

Can't say that I relate to this one, but you ladies might get a kick out of it.

For years and years they told me,
Be careful of your breasts.
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them.
And give them monthly tests.

So I heeded all their warnings,
And protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully,
And I always wore my bra.

After 30 years of astute care,
My gyno, Dr. Pruitt,
Said I should get a Mammogram
"O.K," I said, "let's do it."

"Stand up here real close" she said,
(She got my boob in line),
"And tell me when it hurts," she said,
"Ah yes! Right there, that's fine."

She stepped upon a pedal,
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate came slamming down,
My hooter's in a vise!

My skin was stretched and mangled,
>From underneath my chin.
My poor boob was being squashed,
To Swedish Pancake thin.

Excruciating pain I felt,
Within it's vise-like grip.
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
My poor defenseless tit!

"Take a deep breath" she said to me,
Who does she think she's kidding?!?
My chest is mashed in her machine,
And woozy I am getting.

"There, that's good," I heard her say,
(The room was slowly swaying.)
"Now, let's have a go at the other one."
Have mercy, I was praying.

It squeezed me from both up and down,
It squeezed me from both sides.
I'll bet SHE'S never had this done,
To HER tender little hide.

Next time that they make me do this,
I will request a blindfold.
I have no wish to see again,
My knockers getting steam rolled.

If I had no problem when I came in,
I surely have one now.
If there had been a cyst in there,
It would have gone "ker-pow!"

This machine was created by a man,
Of this, I have no doubt.
I'd like to stick his balls in there,
And see how THEY come out!

1. What do Jell-O and a woman have in common?
---They both wiggle when you eat them.

2. What is a Yankee?
--The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

3. What do women and condoms have in common?
---They both spend more time in your wallet than
on penis.

4. What do you call two skunks that are 69ing?
---Odor eaters.

5. What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
---A Lickalotopuss.

6. Why do men name their penis?
---They like to be on a first name basis with the
one making most of their decisions.

7. What is the difference between snowmen and
snowwomen?
---Snowballs.

8. What does a rooster have that a man wants?
---A hard pecker.

9. What kind of bees give milk?
---Boo bees.

10. What do gay men refer to hemorrhoids as?
---Speed bumps.

11. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
---They both like a tight seal.

12. Why do only 30% of women get into Heaven?
---If it were more, it would be Hell.

13. What has three teeth and sixty feet?
--- The front row at a Willy Nelson concert.

14. What is the new gay Internet address?
--- c: enter

15. What did the lesbian frog say to the other lesbian
---They're right! We do taste like chicken!

16. What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in
common?
---The balls are just for decoration.

17. What did the banana say to the vibrator?
---What are YOU shaking for? She's going to eat
ME!

18. Why do girls rub their eyes in the morning?
---They have no balls to scratch

19. What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
---Erotic is using a feather ... kinky is using
the whole chicken.

20. What is the difference between ooooooh and
aaaaaaah?
---About three inches.

21. How do you make a hormone?
---Don't pay her.

22. What do you call a gay dinosaur?
---A Megasorass.

23. How many men does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
---One..Men will screw anything.

24. What do Michael Jackson and a grocery bag have in
common?
---They are both made of plastic and dangerous
for children to play with.

5. What is the mating call of a blonde?
--- "I'm sooooo drunk!"

Eight Words with Two Meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female......Any part under a car's hood.
Male..........The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female......Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.........Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female......The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male..........Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.......A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...........Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female......A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male..........Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female......An Embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male..........A source of entertainment, self-_expression, male bonding.

7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female......The greatest _expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male..........Call it whatever you want just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.......A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male...........A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

edit: apparantly the word beginning with C and ending with K is ****'d out.



A priest in a small rural town was very fond of the
ten chickens and one
handsome **** rooster he kept in a hen house behind
the rectory.

One Saturday night the priest discovered that the ****
rooster was missing.
At the same time the priest heard rumors of cockfights
being held in town.
Shocked and dismayed, he decided to say something
during Sunday Mass.

During Mass he asked the congregation, "Who among you
will confess to
sporting a handsome ****?"

All the men stood up.

"No, no," he said. "That's not what I mean. Who among
you will confess to
having seen a handsome ****?"

All the women stood up.

"Oh, no," he said. "That's not what I mean, either.
Who among you will
confess to having seen a **** that doesn't belong to
you?"

Half the women stood up.

"Oh Lord," he said. "Perhaps I should rephrase the
question. Has anybody
here seen my ****?"

All the choirboys stood up.

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, it's cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. It's OK, we'll work around it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no... a flash headache.
11. (giggle and point)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this won't take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunk first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on
personality.
30. I guess this makes me the early bird.

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall
of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man. "Whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's President Bush's clock?" asked the man.
"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

Female Prayer:

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep
One who's handsome smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed,
Knows how to answer "How big's my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to the end
And always be my very best friend.

Amen.

Male Prayer:

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac,
with huge boobs who owns a liqour store and a bass boat.

Amen.

"Gopher, Everett?" O Brother, Where Art Thou?

also, from the same movie...

"We're in a tight spot!"

Another Rainy Night (Without You) ---Queensryche (from Empire)

Joyful tears
Of love and life,
Angry tears
Of hate and strife
Streaking down my face,
A marathon between love and hate,
And I am a confused spectator

Internal emotions berate
Me with doubt...
A bastion is my mind,
In a sea of my demons
Calm within, without I'm blind
A standing pillar
Of light and hope,
Is my straining will...

Trying to cope,
With all my failure
Haunting images of hate and pain,
Virtuous visions of good,
Battling in vain
To control my spirit
I watch, with no control
And hope they simply mend
So that again I am whole...
I watch, hoping,
That I am not torn apart,
That all my demons
Will simply depart
And leave me to myself

JN 5/17/03

It's more than a thought,
More than a feeling
It's an aching within,
It's a state of being

It's a cascade of emotions,
It's a darkness inside...
A malady of the heart
That I cannot hide

Numb is my mind,
Dead is my soul
My heart is blind,
And I am far from whole

JN March 11, 2006

I'm so tired and so alone
I feel a longing for another
A chill within my bones,
An emptiness in my heart

All I feel is the dark
The dark, and the cold
This pain leaves a mark,
A scar that will not heal

It feels so empty and hollow
Walking this desolate path
Longing and pain are all that follow
Footprints leading toward the horizon

Accompanied by only the past
My soul worn ragged, my face thin
Longing for love that will last
But all I see ahead, is my abyss

Searching for one so fair
Fumbling in the dark, too blind to see
That there is nobody there
I long to find her, to love her

One that may relieve my pain,
But sometimes I cannot help but feel
That I am searching in vain
Searching...for someone that doesn't exist

JN March 28, 06

go **** yourself

In light of valentines day, I thought I might post this poem I wrote some time ago. It's titled...

"Your One"

I want to be the light
That brightens your day
Please say that I might
Have a place in your heart

I want to look into your eyes
And see happiness and love
I want to see your spirit rise
To hear you sigh in content

I want to carress your cheek
Hear you whisper in my ear
I want to hold you when you're weak,
Carry you until you are strong

I want to set your spirit free
Look upon your radiance
Please...let it be
Say that I can be the one

JN, March 28, 06

For many years
It held me captive
It preyed upon my fears
And blackened my days

It veiled my mind
Giving false images
Making me blind
Hiding the truth

It presented a false reality
Into which I bought
My mind created a duality
One to show the world,

And the other my quiet hell,
Hidden from everyone
They could not tell,
What boiled within

I fought so hard
To get away
To make that last yard,
My legs would not carry me

Through all the illusions
I wandered as a malcontent
Coming to false conclusions
Hating myself, for what I wasn’t


JWN, April 10, 2005

nine inch nails --- head like a hole

useless.

We always said...right before a party, "let's get useless."

The differences between Democrats and Republicans, on the whole as two "seperate" parties, are very minimal. Due to the nature of the American people, the most successful parties always fall closer to the center, between "right" and "left" wing. Both the Democratic and Republican parties straddle the line. For quite a long time, it's been essentially two parties that are almost the same running this country.

The real difference between the parties comes into play when they put forward a candidate that can think for himself...and even then, they need the backing of their parties, or they lose a lot of political power...this kind of keeps a "leash" on them, so they serve the desires of their party.

Anyway, your remark is right on the spot.


And as a side note...I think Obama would be an excellent president, although it's hard to say until someone is put into that position.