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Community > Posts By > harrypotter2
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Topic:
Four Worms and a lesson
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Oh brother.
 lol
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Topic:
Condom
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Topic:
I love you
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A guy goes to a tattoo parlor one day to have the phase "I love you" tattooed across his penis as a suprise for his wife. He goes home to his wife who later desires to give him a little oral sex. Just about the time she ready to do her thing, she backs off, stunned, and says: "There you go trying to put words into my mouth again!"  
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Now THAT is some funny shi t.
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Topic:
It's a Fact of Life!
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Topic:
I will seek and find you.
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I will seek and find you. I shall take you to bed and have my way with you I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan. I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop. I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you. And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days. All my love, The Flu Now, get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu shot! 
Damn Tom. You had me going for a minute there.
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THE FOLLOWING ARE ACTUAL STATEMENTS FOUND ON INSURANCE FORMS WHERE CAR DRIVERS ATTEMPTED TO SUMMARISE THE DETAILS OF AN ACCIDENT IN THE FEWEST POSSIBLE WORDS. INSTANCES OF FAULTY WRITING SERVE TO CONFIRM THAT EVEN INCOMPETANT WRITING MAKES HIGHLY ENTERTANING READING: I saw a sad moving sad faced old gentleman, as he bounced off the bonnet of my car. Coming home, I drove into the wrong house, and collided with a tree I haven’t got. I collided with a stationary truck coming in the opposite direction. A truck backed through the windscreen into my wife’s’ face. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car. The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed into the embankment. In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telegraph pole. I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached the intersection, a hedge sprung up obscuring my vision, and I did not see the other vehicle. I had been driving for forty years, when I fell asleep at the wheel. I was on the way to the doctors with rear end trouble, when my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I hit the pedestrian. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car…… and vanished. I told the policeman I was not injured, But on removing my helmet, I found that I had a fractured skull. I was sure that the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road, so I struck him. The pedestrian had no idea which way to run. So I ran over him. The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy, in a small car, with a big mouth. I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows. The accident was caused by me waving to the man I hit last week. The accident was due to the man narrowly missing me. I left my Austin 7 outside, but came out later, and to my amazement, there was an Austin 12. To avoid collision, I ran into the other car. There were plenty of on-lookers, but no witnesses. The water in my radiator accidentally froze at midnight. I was scraping my nearside on the bank when the accident happened. I collided with a stationary tree. There was no damage done to the car, as the gatepost will testify. The accident was due to the road bending. The other man changed his mind, and I had to run into him. I told the idiot what he was, and went on my way. One wheel went into the ditch. My foot jumped from the brake to the accelerator pedal, leapt across the road to the other side, and jumped into the trunk of a tree. A cow wandered into my car. I was later informed that the cow was half witted. She suddenly saw me, lost her head, and we met. I was taking a friend home, and keeping two yards from each lamppost, which were in a straight line. Unfortunately, there was a bend in the road, bringing the right hand lamppost in line with the other, and of course, I landed in the ditch. If the other driver had stopped a few yards in front of himself, the accident would not have happened. I misjudged an old lady crossing the street. Driving out of my driveway at 7am this morning I drove into a bus. The bus was five minutes early. I can’t give details of the accident as I was somewhat concussed at the time. Wilful damage was done to the upholstery by rats. I blew my horn, but it did not work, as it had been stolen. A lamppost bumped into my car, damaging it in two places. The car in front of me stopped suddenly, and I crashed gently into the bumper. The other car collided with me without giving warnings of his intentions. I unfortunately ran over a pedestrian, and the old gentleman was taken to hospital, much regretting the circumstances. I thought the side window was down, but it was up, as I found out when I put my head through it. I consider no vehicle was to blame. But, if either vehicle was to blame, it was the other one. I looked for the sign, but the more I looked, I couldn’t find it. My breaks weren’t working and the other driver wouldn’t move over, or let me pass. So I ran into him. The other driver had not wound his window down, and I broke my hand trying to hit him. AN AUSTRALIAN STATEMENT. I saw two kangaroos copulating in the middle of the road. I hit them, which caused me to ejaculate through the sun roof.
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Topic:
Blonde Revue of the Year.
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January - Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight. February - Couldn't work in a pharmacy because the bottles wouldn't fit into the typewriter. March - Got excited when she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months because the box said "2-4 years". April - Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out. May - Couldn't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets. June - Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope. July - After losing in a breast stroke swimming competition, complained to the judges that the other swimmers were using their arms. August - Told her blonde friend to hurry when trying to get into their locked car using a coat hanger because it was starting to rain and the top was down. September - When asked what the capital of California was: answered "C." October - Hates M &M's because they are so hard to peel. November - Baked a turkey for 4 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 120. December - Couldn't call 911 because there was no "11" on any phone button.
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Topic:
Pregnancy
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Hmmmm. A bit of self massage does improve its stature.
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Topic:
The Human Body
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Well. I have 12", but don't use it as a rule!
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Topic:
Fart Stories
Edited by
harrypotter2
on
Sun 12/27/09 02:10 PM
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Topic:
Toms Christmas Party
Edited by
harrypotter2
on
Thu 12/24/09 01:21 PM
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  A Very Merry Christmas to One and All.
Here's the Christmas online Dinner Menu. 
IRISH SALMON FOUR WAYS with Petit Ratatouill e, Watercres Creme Fraiche and Horse radish Cream SEARED IRISH BANTRY BAY KING SCALLOPS with Mushy Peas, Wilted Spinach and Curry Oil SHAVED FOIE GRAS with Rhubarb and Warm Brioche PROVENCALE VEGETABLE TERRINE wi th Pesto , Mozzarel la and a Black Olive Tapenade CHAMPAGNE SORBET LOBSTER CONSOMME with Lobster and Herb Tortellini ARTICHOKE VELOUTE with Ceps and a Truffle Croute TRADITIONAL ROAST TURKEY with Roast Potatoes , Brussel Sprouts, Thyme and Apricot Stuffing, Spicy Sausage , Bacon and Shallots PAN-FRIED FILLET OF TURBOT with a Herb Puree, Orange Foam and Mous seline Potatoes MERRION FILLET OF IRISH BEEF WELLINGTON with Truffle and Foie Gras Sauce FEUILLETTE OF CREAMED LEEKS AND ASPARAGUS with Saffron turned Potatoes, a Tomato Concasse and Chive Beurr e Blanc ALL SERVED WITH POTATOES AND VEGETABLES BRIE DE MEAUX with Winter Truffle, Rosemary Crisp Bread and Grape Chutney CHRISTMAS PUDDING with Brandy Ang laise and Vanilla Ic e Cream TRIO OF CHOCOLATE with a Chocolate Brownie , Milk Chocolate Mousse and White Chocolate Sorbet PASSIONFRUIT SOUFFLE with Kumquat Marmalade and Coconut Ice Cream COFFEE with Miniature Mince Pies Canapés and Starters Pitta Crisps with Two Dips Lightly Spiced Butternut Squash Soup Main Course and Accompaniments Roast Turkey with Harissa Butter and Spiced Gravy Baked Couscous Stuffing Cinnamon Glazed Carrots Cranberry and Ginger Relish Golden Roast Potatoes with Saffron Dessert and Petits Fours Orange Blossom and Rose-Scented Pannacotta with Pomegranate and Orange Blossom Syrup Turkish Delight A selection of Cöcktail drinks. A-Bomb A Day at the Beach A Fuzzy Thing Absinthe Cocktail Acapulco Cocktail Acapulco Gold After Dark After Eight Alabama Slammer Alexander Alien Secretion Almond Joy Amaretto Sour American Graffiti American Sour Americano Angel Kiss Appletini April in Paris Avalanche B-52 Bacardi Cocktail Bahama Mama Banshee Beach Blonde Bellini Betsy Ross Between the Sheets Bewitched Bikini Martini Black and Blue Martini Black Barracuda Black Cat Black Eyed Susan Black Magic Black Pearl Black Russian Black Tie Black Widow Bloody Brew Bloody Mary Blue Heaven Blue Lagoon Bon Soir Boston Cocktail Boston Sidecar Bourbon Old Fashioned Bourbon Street Iced Tea Brady Alexander Brain Hemorrhage Brown Cow Carmel Apple Shot Cherry Pie Chocolate Heaven Coffee Alexander Cosmopolitan Cranberry Juice and Vodka Creamsicle Creepy Crawler Jello Shots Cuba Libre Daiquiri Dark Angel Kiss Deep Blue Sea Deep Dark Secret Desert Sunrise Devil's Kiss Devil's Poison Dry Martini Eden Eggnog Martini Emerald Isle Everybody's Irish Flying Kangaroo French Connection Fuzzy Navel Gibson Gimlet Gin and Tonic Gin Fizz Godfather Golden Dream Grasshopper Green Machine Punch Harvey Wallbanger Recipe Hot Buttered Rum Recipe Hot Peppermint Patty Cocktail Hot Toddy Hurricane Irish Car Bomb Irish Coffee Irish Dream Italian Stallion Jackalope Jamaican Kiss Jamaica Me Crazy Japanese Slipper John Collins Kamikaze Kentucky Cocktail Kir Royale Lemon Drop Long Island Iced Tea Mai Tai Magnolia Blossom Manhattan Margarita Marlon Brando Martini Midnight Snowstorm Mimosa Mojito Molotov Cocktail Moontini Morning Glory Mounds Bar Cocktail Mudslide Old Fashioned Orange Freeze Orgasm Drink Paradise Punch Pina Colada Pineapple Cosmopolitan Pineapple Margarita Pink Flamingo Pink Slip Pink Squirrel Pumpkin Chai Pumpkin Eater Pumpkin Martini Pumpkin Pie Martini Rob Roy Rum and Cola Rum Punch Rum Runner Return to Top of Complete List of Cocktails Salty Dog Sangrita Save the Planet Sazerac Recipe Scotch Collins Screaming Orgasm Screwdriver Sea Breeze Sex in a Hot Tub Sex on the Beach Shamrock Silk Stocking Singapore Sling Ski Lift Cocktail Slippery Nipple Snake Bite Snowball South of the Border Stars and Stripes Strawberry Daiquiri Teacher's Pet Tequila Sunrise Texas Tea Tiger Milk Tom and Jerry Tropical Storm Turkey Shoot Velvet Hammer Whiskey Collins Whiskey Sour Recipe White Angel Kiss White Russian Zombie 
And for after Dinner Relaxation, feel free to visit: Sauna Solarium Hot Tub/Jacuzzi Lounge bar with Log 
Casino Gym Heated Swimming Pool Disco  
A very Merry Christmas to you also Tom. I'll have one of everything from the menus and a doggy bag.
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There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day he got one addressed to God. He opened it. It said: Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me? Sincerely, Edna The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened & read. Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it might have been those bastards at the post office. Sincerely, Edna
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Topic:
Depression/Suicide
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I called a depression helpline yesterday and was greeted by the following automated message: If you need help with alcohol problems, Press 1 If you need help with smoking problems, Press 2 If you need help with drug problems, Press Hash As none of these helped me, I was feeling so suicidal I decided to swallow 1000 aspirins to kill myself. But after I'd swallowed the first two, I felt better. I was feeling very depressed after 9/11 and 7/7,so I called a suicide hotline. They transferred me to a call center in Pakistan. When I told them that I was feeling suicidal the operator became really excited and asked if I could get there soon and did I know how to drive a truck.
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Topic:
40 Year Old Curse
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Topic:
Cough Cure
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The owner of a drugstore walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall with an odd look on his face. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" The clerk says, "Well, he came in here at 7 AM to get something for his cough. I could not find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxatives." The owner says, "You idiot! You can not treat a cough with laxatives!" The clerk says, "Oh yeah?" Look at him-he's afraid to cough!" 
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Topic:
What's in a Name?
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Topic:
What's in a Name?
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Topic:
MERRY CHRISTMAS, LADIES
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