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Community > Posts By > harrypotter2
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Topic:
Penis Van Lesbian
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Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. lol
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Or any other financial capital for that matter. Do you think I have a warped sense of humour? OK. You have to travel by subway to the financial centre of ANY major city around the world.. 1. Make sure you are in a compartment which is packed with financiers. 2. Set the alarm on your cell phone to your 'Ring' tone. 3. Set it for 15 minutes into your journey on the subway when you are sure that you won't be at the central financial area for at least 30 minutes. When you are nice and comfortable and the alarm goes off, all the financiers will look at you wondering why you have a signal 100ft plus below ground, and will start checking their cell phones. Now you have their attention, say, "Oh hi. How are you?" Then. in a LOUD voice, say, IT'S GONE UP HOW MUCH?" SELL SELL SELL For Godsakes Get rid of it!" Now surrepticiously turn yourself away from the others and say, Still only loud enough for those around you to hear, "For Godsakes keep this quiet, Don't mention it to anyone else, but just make sure you unload that stock!" 4. Put your cell away and start mopping your forehead with your handkerchief, and keep lookinhg at your watch until you arrive at the financial district. 5. Ensure you don't travel on the same route for at least 6 months.   
I'll have to try this out. lmao 
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Topic:
Just Not His Day.
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What a bummer.
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Topic:
Side by Side
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We got married on Friday. The guests didn't leave until Monday. When they were all gone, we were alone, Side by side. We got ready for bed then. That's when I nearly dropped dead when Her teeth and her hair, She laid on the chair Side by side. Then she took her eye out, (Singular) It was just a big glassy ball Both of her legs She unscrewed then And hung them on the chair by the door I was so broken hearted. 'Cos most of my wife had departed. I slept on the chair There was more of her there, Side by side. 
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Topic:
Cough Cure
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John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted. Bob, the owner, had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last. Just then a man came in coughing and he asked John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside ad leaned against a lamp post. Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired. "He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once," John explained. "Ex-Lax won't cure a cough" Bob shouted angrily. "Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post. "Look at him. He's afraid to cough."
ooops
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A nursing home decided to give the old men milk of magnesia and viagra at supper time. The milk of magnesia helps them sleep, and the viagra keeps them from falling out of bed.
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Topic:
Kens Story
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It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman. My name is Ken. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Janet. When I took 'early retirement' last year, it became necessary for Janet to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed. Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points. When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the lawn. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for awhile. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too. I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Janet. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Any man will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism with your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other... Signed, Ken It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman. EDITOR'S NOTE: Ken died suddenly on May 27th. The police report says that he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club rammed up his backside, with only 2 inches of grip showing. His wife Janet was arrested and charged with murder; however, the all-woman jury found her Not Guilty, accepting her defence that he accidentally sat down on it...] 
I found it hilarious.
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A man went out with his buddies for a night on the town, ending up in a house of ill repute. A week later, he was at his doctor's office, complaining about the large green lump on the end of his private part. After a thorough exam, the doctor consulted a large book, flicking through it until he finally looked up. "I'm afraid this is quite serious. You know how boxers get cauliflower ear?" "Yeah," said his patient. "Well," the doctor said, "it appears you've developed a brothel sprout!" 
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Topic:
Short But Sweet
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Two friends are talking in a bar. One says to the other. “My mother-in-law died yesterday. She sat in the chair, laid back, closed her eyes, and that was it.” “That’s the best way to go.” replied his friend. “Yeah, it is.” said the first. “But the dentist crapped himself.” I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on the train and think, ‘I’ll have that! I’ve entered my pet eagle in an avian showbiz contest… It’s called Britain’s Got Talons. Last night my wife let me go on top. I love bunk beds! As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a taxmans funeral, a voice screamed from inside the box, “I’m not dead! I’m not dead!” To which the vicar shouted back, “Sorry, the paperwork has already been done!” “I’ve got a little baby, he’s two. He doesn’t speak, he’s a slow learner – he’s only got two words: car and map. I’m really worried he’s trying to escape. If his next word is passport we are in serious trouble!”
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A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a Construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us." "Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, " and will you be working on the house again this week, too?" The little girl replied, "I will, if those a$$holes at Lowe's ever deliver the damn sheet rock..."
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Topic:
Optional Extra
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Patient: "I got your estimated price for upcoming surgery. Don’t you think it’s rather prohibitive?" Doctor: "Actually, the surgery price is only 10% of the estimate. The rest is totally optional." Patient: "Really ? Now, that’s a relief. Are you sure it’s up to me not to choose this optional whatever it is?" Doctor: "Absolutely!" Patient: "Great! By the way, may I ask what is this optional extra is about?" Doctor : "Sure . It’s for anesthesia!"
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A nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways. She decided she would take her lunch; sit with the workers; and talk with them. She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating. Sporting a big smile, she walked up to the group and asked: "And do you men know Jesus Christ?" They shook their heads and looked at each other... very confused. One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?" One of the steelworkers yelled down, "Why?" The worker yelled back, "'Cause his wife's here with his lunch."
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Topic:
Make My Horse Laugh
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There once was this bar with a sign in its window. It read, "Anyone who can make my horse laugh will have all the drinks they want on the house." So this guy walks in and asks if he can give it a try. The bartender says "Sure." The cowboy walks out there and whispers something in the horse's ear. The horse starts laughing hysterically. The guys walks back to the bar and the bartender gives him the drinks. The next night the same guy and the same thing happens. The third night the sign is changed to making the horse cry. The guy goes out side and a few minutes later he comes back over to the bar and the horse is crying. The bartender says "Ok. You can have your drinks but first tell me what you did to make my horse laugh." The cowboy said, "I told him my privates are bigger than his." "OK. but how did you make him cry?" The cowboy replied, "I showed him."
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