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Community > Posts By > harrypotter2
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Topic:
Bottle of Merlot
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A young girl goes to the family doctor and says, 'Doctor. I'm getting married next week and am a bit anxious, and have a few questions." The doctor replied, Don't worry my dear, I'll try to help you in any way I can," "Well" She said "When my boyfriend got undressed the other night, there was a long dangly thing hanging between his legs. What was that?" "Ah Replied the doctor with a smile. "In medical terms it is known as the 'Penis' in everday usage it is more commonly known as a 'D*ck.' "I see. And on the top of the d*ck, there is a round dome shaped thingy" "Yes" Answered the doctor. That is commonly known as the 'Helmet' or 'Bell End' "I see." Replied the girl. "And about 22 inches behind the bell end, there are two round things. What are those!" "HOW FAR?" Exclaimed the doctor. "About 22 inches." "Well" Said the doctor. "I hope for your sake, they're the cheeks of his butt!"   
OMFG!!!!
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Topic:
Colonoscopy
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I went into my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam. His new nurse, Evelyn, took me to an examining room and told me to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see me. She said that he would only be a few minutes. While waiting I observed that there were three items on a stand next to the exam table: A Tube of KY jelly, A rubber glove And a beer. When the doctor finally came in I said, "Look Doc, I'm a little confused as this is my first exam .. I know what the KY is for and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for? At that Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. He flung the door open and yelled to his nurse .. . . . . . "Damn it, Evelyn !!! I said a BUTT LIGHT!!!"
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A man came down to breakfast to find on his plate, 1 sausage, 1 egg, 1 rasher of bacon and a sock. He said to his wife. “Why is there a sock on my plate? “She replied. “You came home drunk last night got into bed, laid on your back and said, ‘Can you cook my sock?” 
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It has been announced by a Newspaper company in Guilin China that an edible newspaper, after, several months of tests is to go on general sale. The paper is made from a wet weather resistant rice paper which will on disintegrate when it comes into contact with human salivas. The ink is made from coloured vegetable oils and is said to also contain nutritional non fatty starches. . It is calculated that , if adopted by other countries, it would revoluiionise the newspaper industry, and also make a saving of more than 64% on wood use worldwide. APRIL FOOL!!!! 
 
DAMN Tom. I fell for it.
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Topic:
NELSON MANDELA
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Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Japanese man, clutching aclip board and yelling, 'You Sign! You sign!' Behind him is an enormous truck full of car tail pipes. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Japanese man starts to yell louder, 'You Sign! You sign!' Nelson says to him, 'Look, you've obviously got the wrong man', and shuts the door in his face. The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Japanese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, 'You sign! You sign!' Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Japanese man back, shouting: 'Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!' Then he slams the door in his face again. The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, hehears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Japanese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, 'You sign! You sign!' Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him: 'Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?' The little Japanese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says: (It's a beauty) (Wait for it) (Get your best Japanese accent ready) 'You not Nissan Main Deala?'
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Topic:
Viagra v Marijuana
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Two Viagra pills walked into a bar. They sat down next to two marijuana plants who were engrossed in an animated discussion. “I don’t get it,” one marijuana plant said to the other, “Why aren’t we legal? Nobody’s being hurt by us.” One of the viagra pills scoffed at them. The marijuana plant turned to him and asked, “What’s your problem, don’t you think we should be legal” "No", the viagra pill replied. "We’re hard-on drugs.”
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Topic:
Drunk again
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Topic:
A Mans Man Love Poem
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Topic:
Do YOU Need to Pray at Work?
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Topic:
The Lone Ranger and Tonto
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YUK!!!
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In a Japanese Prisoner of War camp during the Second World War, the Commandant called the three senior officers of the British, American and Italian prisoners into his office and told them. “I will release a prisoner from each of your countries if they can complete a task I assign to them.” The officers call for their best men, and they are sent into the commandants’ office. “I want each of you to go into the jungle, and come back with 100 of any one particular item,” says the commandant. "And then I will I will reveal the second part of the test to you.. “At no time are you permitted to laugh. If you laugh at any time; Instead of freedom, you will spend the rest of your time as a POW in solitary confinement.” Half an hour later, the British soldier returned. The Commandant asked him, “OK Tommy, what have you brought back?” The soldier replied.” “I’ve got 100 peanuts.” “OK.” Said the Commandant, “I want you to bend over and stuff the peanuts up your rectum. Don’t forget. If you fail, it’s solitary confinement for the duration.” The squaddie dropped his pants, and proceeded to comply with the Commandants’ instructions. ’97, 98, 99, 100.’ The soldier stood up to attention, with a straight face, and the Commandant congratulated him. ”Well done. You may collect you belongings, wish your comrades goodbye, and you will be handed over to the Red Cross officials at the border.” An hour later, the American GI returned, and the Commandant asked him. “What have you brought back ‘Joe’?” “I’ve got 100 grapes.” Replied the GI. “OK, I want you to bend over and stuff the grapes up your rectum. Don’t forget, if you laugh, you will spend the duration of the war in solitary confinement.” The American dropped his trousers, bent over, and proceeded to comply with the Commandants order. “97, 98, 99…” He strained, then suddenly fell to the ground in convulsions of laughter. “You fool. You idiot,” shouted the Commandant. “You could have been free. You only needed one more grape. Instead, it’s solitary confinement for you. Why did you laugh?” “I couldn’t help it,” spluttered the GI, tears streaming down his cheeks. “I’ve just seen Luigi coming through the gates with a sack full of coconuts!”
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Edited by
harrypotter2
on
Mon 03/01/10 07:08 AM
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OMG Tom. WHERE do you get this stuff? I cried and almolst choked several times reading that.
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Topic:
New laws of the universe
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Topic:
Internet VIRUS Warning
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1. If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what you want. 2. Don't go out without ID. 3. Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by pissing on their shoes. 4. Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it. 5. Leave room in your schedule for a good nap. 6. Always give people a friendly greeting. A cold nose in the crotch is most effective. 7. When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as soon as you're dragged shamefully out from under the bed). 8. If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss. 
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