What does a caterpillar do on New Years Day?
Turns over a new leaf.

A mother passing by her son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed
was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow.
It was addressed, "Mum."
With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter, with Trembling hands.
"Dear, Mum. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.
I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene
with Dad and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so
nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Mum. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy.
She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.
We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!! Don't worry Mum, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love, your son, John.
P.S. Mum, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just
wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school
report that's on my desk. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to
come home."

A repeat but funny .

MOMS ARE MOMS......
A 50 year old lady, who suddenly started learning how to swim instead of her usual routine work of going to a Church !!!!

Everyone was curious and asked her: "why the change in your interest to swimming now a days?"

The lady, with a look of helplessness replied: "Whenever my son and daughter-in-law quarrel each other She ( Daughter-in-law) always asks my son : - "If your mom and I fall in water, whom will you save first?"

And because I do not want to put my son in a difficult position, so I am learning how to swim!"

A few days later husband and wife were quarrelling again, and the daughter-in-law unreasonably asked: " now tell me! If your mom and I fall in water, whom will you save first?"

Husband replied:
"I don't have to get down in the water, my mom knows how to swim, she will save you."

Wife refused to relent: "No, you have to jump in the water, and have to save one of us"

Husband replied: "Then you will surely die.... because I don't know how to swim .... and my mom will definitely save me first."

NICE

An Australian man was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.
The Australian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.
The American snapped his gum and said, 'You Australian folk eat the whole bread?'
The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, 'of course.'
The American blew a huge bubble. 'We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside the loaf. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia .'
The American had a smirk on his face.
The Australian listened in silence.
The American persisted, 'Do y'all eat jam with your bread?' Sighing, the Australian replied, 'Of course.'
Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, 'We don't. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds and the leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Australia .
The Australian then asked, 'Do you have sex in the States?'
The American smiled and said 'Why of course we do.' The Australian leaned closer to him and asked, 'And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?'
'We throw them away, of course!'
Now it was the Australians turn to smile.
'We don't. In Australia , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States . Why do you think it's called Wrigley's?'🤣🤣🤣

Totally funny .

Why don’t elephants like playing cards in the jungle?
Because of all the cheetahs.

What do you get if you cross a cat with a tree?
A cat-o-logue.

Why didn’t the dog speak to his foot?
Because it’s not polite to talk back to your paw.

What do you get if you cross a woodpecker with a carrier pigeon?
A bird who knocks before delivering its message.

Funny all Julie..keep it comin

A brunette yells to a blonde on the other side of the river, "Hey how do I get to the other side of the river?" The blonde yells back, "You are on the other side of the river!"

Funny .

WHO DIDN'T SLEEP WELL AMONG WIFE AND HUSBAND??

Wife:why is your jacket smelling a lady perfume?
Husband: because I was sitting next to a lady in the meeting and she was so close to me..
Wife: What about the lipstick on your shirt?
Husband: there's this lady who was promoted at work so I hugged him to say congratulations..
Wife:And the used condom in your pocket?
Husband:stop asking me silly questions,,I want to sleep..
Wife: (crying) at least me after using them I don't bring them home...
Husband:(angry) what did you just say??
Wife:stop asking me useless questions I want to sleep...

funny,Poetry.Thnks for coming into this thread...more jokes

Joke: Turning a Nice Profit in air; Looks relevant today, Isn't it?


A blonde and a lawyer are sitting next to each other on a plane. The lawyer asks the blonde if she wants to play a game, "All you have to do is ask a question and if I get it wrong or don't know, I'll give you five dollars, then I ask you a question and if you get it wrong you pay me five dollars."

Like
"No," she says. "I just want to sleep."

He keeps asking and she finally gives in when he says he will pay her 500 dollars, but she still only has to pay five dollars.

"What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" he asks.

She gives him 5 dollars. "What goes up the hill with four legs and comes down with five?" she asks.

He pulls out his laptop and searches it, but finds nothing. Then he emails his friends.

After an hour, he still hasn't got an answer, he hands her 500 dollars. Then he asks her: "So what is the answer?"

She hands him 5 dollars: Blonde was from Gujarat, you see

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked,

"How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said,
"About 2 hours." The guy left.
A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked,
"How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left.
A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked,

"How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half." The guy left.
The barber turned to his friend and said,
"Hey, Bob, do me a favor, follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back."
A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, "So, where does he go when he leaves?"
Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said,

"Your house!".

The barber fainted..

Lollllllll...!

Oh Shame!