That's right!! It's not who raises them. It's how they are raised. A happy single parent here.

Can I just say one thing without (hopefully) offending a bunch of people? I've read a lot of talk about how kids don't need their dad and the reasons why they don't need that particular dad. Ummmmmmm, didn't you pick him? Why in the world are we bashing people that we picked to marry and have kids with? My ex turned out less than stellar this last year, but I'm still not ruling out the possibility that he can regroup and get himself back on track and be a better father. I'm the one that started this mess by choosing him and having babies with him.....I'm not going to just blame everything on him and make my kids walk away from him.

Before you say it......obviously abuse/true neglect of any kind changes the whole scenario.

Just playing devil's advocate as well. Sometimes our anger gets in the way of allowing us to see both sides of a story.

I believe every child DESERVES two parents who need THEM.A child looking out the window hoping their parent decides to come see them is so heart breaking to me.I experienced this with my daughter and stepdaughter while I was still married. You can't tell your kids what the other parent is doing or vent to them. Especially if the other parent is the same sex as the kid.Always remember kids idolize thier parents even the bad ones and they may think it's how they should be. Keep hoping though. A few years later and I can allow my ex to get my girl every other week for a whole week. Any of the bull***t it goes back. People get off track sometimes. And sometimes they find their way again.Sometimes.As far as raising a child of the opposite sex; I can't be a good example of a woman for her,but I can try to be a good example of a man. I can treat every lady like I would want my daughter treated and hope she sees. For now I tell her she can have all the boyfriends she wants, they make good soup.

AMEN!!!

There may be some truth here. now my oldest is 12 and lately her mother has shown some interest, although I think its too late now. I like the attitude toward role-modeling. but not the boyfriends!!

I do not believe that a child NEEDS both parents. My mom raised me by herself, I never even met my dad or know anything about him other than his name. I turned out just fine without him in my life. I am 32 now and decided at the age of 15 that if he didn't want to take the time to find me then he must not have wanted me. My mom never spoke ill of him but that didn't matter his actions, or lackthereof, speak for themselves. I don't miss not having a dad, how can I miss something I never had.

So I must agree with others in saying that, while its nice to have 2 parents, a child's world will not shatter if he doesnt have a one of them. Especially if that child never knew the missing parent.

I dont think children need both "parents" in their life. Afterall who teaches a child what a parent is in the first place. We the parents do. My son has no idea what a dad is because his father has never once been around. He is better off than being hurt by his father. JMO

This a subject that I have thought over many times during my life time. It is very emotional subject for so many people who work very hard at being good parents wheather they are getting the help they should or not. IMHO very few parents get even remotely close to what they should from their spouses, their families, or society in general. That makes me very sad and I have devoted most of my life to trying to support families of every kind of configuration.

From what I have experienced and seen hundreds of times over the parent child relationship is the most critical relationship for BOTH parent and child that exists. When it is broken or damaged it hurts everyone involved to some degree or another. A pain they both will carry a lifetime. Often with lasting influence in their lives. Since I have worked hospice with seniors I can tell you it is the single most common "last issue" that people address. When I worked with inmates, pregnant teens, and veterans they almost always drew down that feeling loss about parent child issues was a core problem. They are not necessarily "blameing" parents they just know it is significant and somewhere the processes that they depended on failed to help them fully work it out. The are hurt, angry, and often overwhelmed trying to figure out why they were brought into a world that only plays lipservice many times when it comes to families. I tend to agree.

It will probably not be popular but I have come to believe it is a myth that there are parents that "just don't care". Some may be failing parents, actually doing more harm than good in certain settings,but most people care about their child at some level. They may really screw up how they express it and over lay great rage at the parent that is at least to some degree more successful, and that is very hard on everyone but they feel a bond to their child.

Time and again I have seen the most flawed parent make attempts at parenting or express profound greif (often masked as indifference, anger, or addictions)at failing. Sadly and I believe mistakenly they think or are made to believe , or are forced to act like they don't care. If it upsets you and re-opens wounds every time you see your child you naturallly withdraw from the process. Parents that are struggleing alone can do a great service to their child to try to set aside the pain and move forward. It is terribly difficult I will be the first to admidt that. But if you can try to open the door and smooth the way for an absent parent the rewards you will reap in the long run will far out way the costs. Please do not think you have failed because your child may not have contact for many years. Parenting is a lifetime gig and an absent parent that comes forward even later in life is a blessing. You do not stop learning from a parent unless you close the door to it or death does. Even in death a child learns how a parent contributes to life.

That too often outsiders amplify the difficulty of parents haveing sucessful relationships with their children infuriates me. In the best interest of children I think the courts need to come down and come down hard on anyone who deprives a child of their parents. Anyone who steps in and tells or an absent parent to abandon or neglect their responsibility to their child or missappriates funds that should go to the child should be prosecuted for abuse. If every single person that has felt the sting of abandonment or even just parental failures would commit them selves to not making the problem worse it would get much better. Please be certain as you move on with your lives that you do not do it at some other families expense.

When absent parents fail it hurts the child and believe it or not the remaining spouse. It also hurts society greatly because we are left with the fall out and the cost is staggering. I also believe that the misdirected subsidy programs do more harm than they do good in many cases. Children should not be made to feel they are a financial resource to anyone. They should feel provided for and parents should provide for themselves. With subsidy the absent parent sees less need to step into shoes that are filled. Parents that brag that they can do it alone more often than not will. Not only from the biological parent but any other person that might want to co-parent.

Parents with marginal or no skills need help not criticism and loathing. People who come to parenting never having known parenting rarely know how to do it comfortably and they usually do it with both hands tied behind their back. Non custodial parents get little or no help improveing their skills. If you are suffering for the absecense of skills of a parent contact the people you put in office and make these services a priority. Unfortuneatley for fathers this is even more true. In these economic hard times programs that used to exist have vanished. Media in many cases addresses fathering in the worst possible light. It is very sad that it is sometimes more efficient to just extract the father than improve him. Once he is extracted you can pretty much assure that the child/parent relationship will never be the same.

I will say until you have lost custody of a child you can not possibly know how degradeing, humiliateing, or helpless it makes you feel. Even if you agree to it or are forced into it for the best interest of the child You can not imagine the excruciateing pain you feel when your child is accustomed to your absence. Or expresses fear or anger at you for a your abscence that is rarely your choice. Even when parents act angry or indifferent toward their child it is because they felt rejected. Or overwhelmed. Being rejected by your child is a stinging experience that you NEVER forget. Because society is so two faced about what it expects out of the non-custodial parent they never have sound ground to stand on. The constant put down is grinding. It is also grinding on chldren that hear it constantly. If you think that you are not expressing these views and hurting children you are kidding yourself. People are human and evenin their silence the condemnation is felt.

I will also say this as a mother that it is too easy to forget that the bonding process we have starts in the womb and we do have a biological advantage at bonding. It is probably good that we forget some of the misery of pregnancy and labor but it does give us a decided investment that fathers don't as readily have. That Fathers have tremendous pressure in our society not to bond and be macho or immature personally makes me crazy but I have to admidt it exists and encourage parenting behavior. That fathers are even openly discouraged to seperate and not distract the mother child interaction is truely sad. They are too often told that their greatest value is labor to support the bills and not made to feel that their efforts are "love made visable". That the courts even allow parents to ONLY contribute financially is obominal. Custodial and non-custodial parents should be court ordered into the life of a child not out. Maybe that includes a breif abscence to learn parenting skills, correct addictions, or work out an interpersonal relationship with the custodial parent but I see very few cases where total absence is warranted. Father's need to learn just like Mother's do (please invert this term if you are a custodial Dad) by exerience and sometimes failure what works. When you do it every day you can very easily forget how much you have learned and how that constant access put you at a decided advantage. Children change every day but when you live together you tend to flow along with those changes. A non-present parent is running to catch up. If you want a good relationship you have to reach back and give them the information they need. This doesn't mean be their teacher or their buddy just be honest and tell them what you know.

That there are more than one way to parent in any given task is too often forgotten. If you are the present parent you have to be decisive and you get used to doing things your way. Just because it is right for you doesn't make it right for the other parent. I can't tell you the number of times given the long view you will find yourself thinking that the ideas that seemed most ridiculous at the time made more sense and you will wish you would of considered it.

It is important to NOT get stuck on stupid and try to force someone into something they don't want to do. Not always when a parent is excludeing a child from a situation are they doing them a disservice. Sometimes when the absent parent is absent it IS the best thing. When a non-custodial parent's life is not going to accomodate your child it is a GIFT to your child that they admidt that they are too inadequate, selfish, or out of control of the situation to bring your child into it. Sad fact is when you no longer want someone to be your partner they are more than likely going to meet that need with someone else and your child is likely to be replaced with whatever. It sucks but it is reality. People fill the voids in their life. First in time First in line sounds good in theroy but it doesn't square with reality or human nature.

That our society has come to the point that almost every father questions paternity is a sad fact. It makes it very easy for fathers to question what they are obligated to do. As women we have to accept what responsibility in that mind set we contribute too. How serious are we at selecting the men we parent with? How often are pregnancies really planned? How many women do you know that are not 100% sure about paternity? How many women do you know that have outright lied? How many times have you heard someone say to a man in spite "You aren't the father."? How many times do we tell a best friend or other before we tell the father WE are pregnant? How often do we turn to anyone but the Father first to address parenting issues? We might be pregnant but we GET pregnant with their child and they need to hear that, see that, feel that, and live that from every angle in society and the personal relationship begining to end. When you goad someone into their responsibilities you are doing a child a favor. The opposite should make you hang your head in shame. The very notion that we can do a "good enough" job with out them is damning many of us to have to do just that. If we give them the excuse we can not fault them for taking it. Or society from inflicting it on us.

The whole notion that one parent "owes" the other parent for supporting their child is part of the problem. EVERY parent should be in the position to adequately support EACH child they bring into this world. I can't believe that, sorry if this sounds sexist, women are still clinging to the storybook idea that Prince Charming will be able to carry the load of paying the bills alone or without motivation. It isn't going to happen. Most will get tired and decide they have to get something out of the deal. If your budget leaves him without options and choices it is highly likely that he will leave. This is NOT gender specific. You guys wonder why women leave and strike out on their own? It is because they at least have a chance of improveing the lot they see they have. You make a woman feel like a servant and or a slave they will rebel. They figure if you make a baby somehow some way they will make you at least help so you might as well do it from the get go and prevent the divorce that may give you some freedoms but usually will cut down your resources and options. You defintely need to get the facts across to the next generation. If as a society we ingrained that responsibility on every parent then children's needs would be met in "abundance" by working together everyone would benifit. That is why nature requires two parents. Children's needs are abundant. In reality it takes two parents working to make ends even wave at each other. If you are a single working parent you are deludeing yourself if you think you are raiseing your kid alone. The ex, babysitter, your parent's, the schools, "friends", the state, or even your older children are helping you. It is great to save face and fake it until you make it with bravado about being able to do it "alone" but you will never make me believe that a single parent sees that position in life as optimal or even desireable. They are whistleing in the dark. Often because they have been convinced they have no other choice. Sadly, I admidt, sometimes it is true. Most services you depend on will let you down here and there. They and you may be adequate, it may get the job done, but it is not and never will be the best thing for a child to have an absent parent. It makes the remaining parents load much to heavy and sacrifices have to be made. Sacrifices that often do affect the perspective a child developes about relationships, resposibilities, and self preservation not to mention self esteem.

A child that has a model that parenting is making them the parents "whole life" has a very heavy burden to do no harm to the parent. That is nearly impossible if their is only one parent trying to be two. Being just the best parent you can be individually is a Herculean job. Children see the sacrifices that parents make and it is very hard for a child to reconcile what is right when one parent is is forced or forces that role on themself alone. Children learn what they live. They will consciously and some times unconciously repeat what they know. Being a martyr is not the optimum position to be in as a parent. It certainly won't make your child respect you. It might even make them resent you. Soething they may never tell you.

What I believe to my very core is that every child draws their identity from BOTH parents and to deny a parent puts the child in the position of denying half of who they are. It doesn't make a whit weather it is the same sex parent or not a child will have characteristics of both and need the perspective of both to be a fully developed person. Having two parents gives perspective and balance. Not to have it leaves a painful ache that they may deny to fit into the world or please the parent they have been trained to be grateful to but it is there and it effects people. Sometimes in only small ways and sometimes in ways that take years and years to show. A child's great love for either parent puts them in a position to have to denie the absent or submissive parent to some degree. To betray a parent NEVER feels right to a child. If you really talk to children they will sooner or later admidt a burning desire to know the absent parent better. They may feel guilt or shame but they will have that desire. It is only normal to know all that makes you you. Children may not want to have them be the guardian but to know them, and interact with them is almost universal. Often they do it secretly. And that secrecy is a loss for both parent and child. Children have magical thinking about their parents and left to draw their own conclusions they will find something heroic about both if their view is not poisoned. Present or absent. Good parents will to some degree or another nurture this as it is integral to the child's self view. I am not advocateing lying, far from it, that only betrays your child another way but realizeing the wound and letting it heal is honorable and benificial..

What really bothers me is I have seen it time and time again that child that is raised to believe that a parent child relationship is disposable will see other relationships as disposable wheather it employers, friendships, lovers, spouses, and sometimes children. They very VERY often see themselves as disposeable. The rate of dangerous or suicidal behaviors is staggering. Whenever a parent is absent the child feels left behind and they have to learn to deal with it. Sometimes they get very good at it. What is a shock to many single parents is when their child goes on into their adult life is that they often do it quite independently. Many single parents have very difficult times seperateing from their children and it is a major physical and mental stressor for them that needs to be prepared for. Sadly in the crush of being a single parent many parents are not ready. I see many custodial parents collasping financially when their children leave home. With little or no resources for parents without children this can be a serious issue resulting in homelessness. A problem that is spreading like wildfire. That is a terrible burden to put on your child and to be avoided if at all possible.

It is cruelty to a child to ever make them remotely feel that they just don't matter enough to a parent. It is more harmful to give a painful explanation than no explaination. Especially to young children that often can be unaware or at least distracted from that one parent is absent. People can recover after a divorce and move on. It usually takes a couple of years. If you get pissed off and set the wheels in motion for abandonment the child suffers the most. The only time you do not want to at least attempt an reasonable accomodation is when domestic violence truely is present. You know in your heart if that is the case. Don't deny it if it exists. Don't embellish it if it does not. It is terrible for a child to feel they have to defend a parent.

Trying to force the issue ALWAYS amplifys the child's loss. The BEST thing a parent can do is go on with there life and be as relaxed about the absence as possible. IF a child wants to address it let it come from them. Assumeing a child is acting out because of the absence of a parent is frequently wrong. Children act out because they are reacting to the presence of a stressor and 99% of the time it is the reaction from the existing parent about the absent parents if it is even related. Children act out for tons of reasons. Children sense when either parent is in pain, angry, dissappointed, resentful, or over worked so check yourself first. Because children think they are the center of the universe, something single parents re-enforce every day conciously and unconsciously, and they blame themselves. If a parent who is present can go on business as usual when the absent parent fails to perform the child can at least hold his sense of peace and security. Do not assume that what you do not challenge you endorse. Children will develope their own feelings of right and wrong in a relationship over time. They will see what is a strength and a weakness in both parents. And because they want to they can get over a lot. It is not wrong to love a failed parent. Thank God because we all fail every day more than we know. Don't try to be better than the absent parent focus on being the best parent you can be. It is true one sucessful parent is better than two failing or compeateing parents. Children hate taking sides. It tears them apart.

What I have seen, and felt, is the resentment that the choice of how to feel about things is taken away when a present parent or society in general trys to tell you how to feel about and absent parent(s). Or the pressure a child feels constantly made to address how they feel about their parents present and absent. If a present parent is distressed it very stressful for a child and they feel forced to betray feelings they have. Being directly or subtley cornered into addressing your parents feelings; especially ones you have no control over is very distressing. When you have to do it as a child it is confuseing, scary, depressing, and often just too much to figure out. When you do it as an adult it isn't exactly easy either. That most barely adults are forced into addressing issues is really sad. They have enough to cope with seperateing from the nuclear family situation. I am a big believer that if childsupport is ordered it should be ordered until the child is 21 or has left home for 24 months. Then the custodial parent has a resonable time to readjust their lifestyle. That is in the best interest of the CHILD. So what that the Ex may benifit. Get over it.

That is NOT I repeat NOT to say that children who do not have one or both parents do not become functioning contributeing members of society because they do, often actually over compensateing if anything, by majority. The question might be does it demenish their potential and IMHO I don't think anyone can truely say that. We can attempt to squew the statistics to show that single parnting often leads to poverty to some degree or another but I never have, and never will, use financial success as a measure for parenting or human potential; especially at measureing human value in society or one on one relationships.

I do think at least some adversity actually contributes to a child's success in life. If a child has this very predictable congruent life where every one performs as planned they don't have a lot of inconsistency or failure to problem solve and learn from. Some children benifit quite nicely from seeing their parents correct their mistakes. Especially when parents take responsibility for what is their mistake. It may seem like blameing the victim in some situations but we sign up for ALL eventualities when we decide to parent and there are no free outs because the parent you choose doesn't turn out. I know it sucks and nobody gets a crystal ball to know the future but deal with the now.

While I agree that it is benificial for children to have models in their life of good relationships I do believe that the idea to provide role models is basiclly flawed. First off children pick their own role models. Yes a parent might create an oportunity for their child to have good people to select from you can not control weather they will select or maintain the relationship. You are powerful just not that powerful. Sorry.

I personally think it is a terrible idea to move in a substitute role model on a day to day basis and encourage a bond based on a room mate basis. By it's very basis it is a temporary relationship and the child will experience significant confusion about who is in charge and what relationships mean not to mention a significant sense of loss when the dependency enevitably fails because the roommate moves on with there life. To think that a second long distance relationship is going to meet a childs needs is ludacrist. I personally feel that if you are a single parent you are doing everybody a favor not coplicateing the nuclear family with anyone else. At least until you are firmly established as the head of your family. ANYONE who chalenges that should be seen as a threat and removed. I have major problems with Nanny's as Co-parents and I think it is lazy parenting if you allow it. I also have seen far too many parents regret it in the long run.

I also think picking a potential spouse for their anticipated role as a co-parent is a very dangerous idea. First and formost relationships have to be based on the primary parties haveing a working relationship that meets their needs. You settle for someone just to be your child's parent you child and your spouse will eventually know it and there will be trouble. Your kid is not adopting your spouse as a parent they will at best tolerate them in the begining. Many, even most re-marriages fail or at least go through several YEARS of transition. For some children this will be the straw that breaks their back. This is a choice I really advise going into with great caution and lots of time. If you are very lucky and work at it very thoughtfully you can eventually depend on a step-parent but more often than not it will only fill a portion of the child's needs.

IMHO Children NEED to identify with their biological parent because of the shared identity. If that biological parent is not there the remaining parent, or parents, still need to instill a sense of pride and acceptance of whatever positive attributes that can be identified. It doesn't seem that great a streach to find something about a parent that you saw fit to have a child with. Even in the case of rape or prostitution if the gift of life is all that person donates you can encourage a child to have a feeling of goodness and position at being in the world.

I hope as folks read my view that they take them as no more or no less than my views. I fully understand that there are exceptions and that my views are based on my many life and work experiences and not yours. If I walked a mile in your moccasins I might feel very differently. I don't know so I ALWAYS leave that door open. Why I take the time to share them is to contribute what I have lived and what I have learned from many people so that it provokes thought and you to take away whatever is positive to you. Assign the value you think it is worth. Have a blessed day and know that I pray for you, your families, and your successes.

i don't know about if they need both, but i will say that the child who has two loving, nurturing, attentive parents is far better off, in every way, than the child that only has one.

I think its important to both the child and the parent that both be a part of his or her life. Love is the most important thing to a child and its free to give so give some John

this is still going

interesting

when did the single parent home become the norm

and when did the crime rate increase

just a thought

but hey

what do i know